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School Bites

By JadeCB
(c) January 1999

Disclaimers: This parody is a sequel to School Sucks. You don't have to read it, but you would probably be better off to, otherwise you might not know what's going on. There are naughty words, sexual innuendo's, subtext, hettext, implied drug use and a bunch of bloody parakeets around here. If you read this and get an itchy pain behind your eyeballs and start listening to the voices and go out and buy your own parakeet, it's not my fault. I'll take no responsibility for that.

Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and all characters associated with either show, are the property of Universal/MCA. No copyright infringement is intended. The parody is © to me. ME!

The events in this parody follow the rift episodes "The Deliverer" and "Gabrielle's Hope."

School Sucks School Bites School Blows School B.S.


Gabrielle: Xena, please slow down!

Xena: I want to go to school!

Gabrielle: Why? I thought you hated school.

Xena: I do, but Callisto is following me and she's developed some kind of crush on me.

Gabrielle: For real? Are you sure it's not Solari?

Xena: Solari has a crush on me?

Gabrielle: Forget I said anything. Now about Callisto...

Xena: Callisto calls it a crush, but really it's, "I hate you, Xena." I see right through it though.

Gabrielle: Don't you want to stand and fight her?

Xena: Not today.

Gabrielle: Why?

Xena: I don't feel good.

Banshees appeared out of nowhere and began to circle around Gabrielle.

Banshee1: Gabrielle, we honor you.

Gabrielle: WHAT?

Xena: Didn't you bitches hear me? I said I didn't feel good. Get lost!

Banshee2: Let us banshees care for you!

Banshee3: Give me an E. Give me a V. Give me an I-L-B-A-B-Y! What does that spell? Evil Baby!!! Yea!

Xena: Gab, what are they talking about?

Gabrielle: I don't know, but when I snap my fingers they evaporate.

Banshee1: You are the chosen one, Hilda. I mean, GAB-RIELLE. (Gabrielle snaps her fingers) AHHHH!!!

The banshee evaporated.

Xena: Cool!

Gabrielle: Xena, I know we just became secret friends, but I wanted to buy your friendship--I mean, buy you something. (Hands Xena a package) So here, it's just something little.

Xena: (Starts to open the package) Really? What is it?!

Xena finally got the box open, and peeked inside. In the middle of some dyed parchment sat a small green parakeet, a ribbon stuck to its wing that said, "Bloody Hell 2."

Xena: No one has ever done anything so nice for me!

Gabrielle: I wasn't sure you'd like it.

Xena: I love it. Too bad about that not telling anyone we're friends thing, huh?

Gabrielle: (Sighs) Yeah. Hey, I just realized you didn't want to fight Callisto 'cause then she'd know we're friends!

Xena: Oops. And you realized that right after our tender moment. Sorry.

Gabrielle: It's okay. I'd pretty much forgive you anything. Even if you lied to me or tried to kill my evil kid...or dragged me halfway across Greece.

Xena: (Interrupts) Nutbread?

Gabrielle: Sure.

Xena: Yeah, I'd suppose I'd forgive you, too, say if that evil baby you were talking about happened to kill my kid or something.

Gabrielle: Weird.

Xena: What?

Gabrielle: Look at the pretty colors!

Xena: You're staring at a tree trunk. It's brown.

Gabrielle: Henbane?!

Xena: Yep!

Xena fed Bloody Hell 2 henbane laced nutbread, and watched as the parakeet started to freak out.

Physical Education (GYM):

Melosa, the gym teacher, walked idly around the gym, hoping upon hope that Xena wouldn't be there today. Xena had quite the reputation as a "gym killer." She had killed the javelin coach last month. A few lousy detentions for a life. Yeah, that made sense!

Xena walked into the gymnasium. Melosa groaned.

Melosa: Xena, you can't play on the discus team wearing leather pants.

Xena: Why not?

Melosa: Rules.

Xena: Rules? How does that apply to me?

Melosa: Don't make me get "Sparky!"

Xena: Oooh, I'm scared.

Melosa: And you most definitely can't play with a parakeet lounging on your shoulder.

Bloody Hell 2 continually moved in a circle on Xena's shoulder. He was trying to catch his feathered tail.

Melosa: Parakeets are not allowed.

Xena: No fair! Bloody Hell 2 can play discus!

Hercules: Shut up, Xe! I want to play!

Iolaus: Yeah, what he said.

Melosa: Change the pants!

Xena: But Hercules is wearing leather pants!

Melosa: That's different!

Xena: How?

Melosa: I don't know, it just is.

Xena: (Gives Melosa the look) Do you know what I did to the last gym teacher that gave me lip?

Melosa: I know. Look, I'll give you leeway, put the parakeet in your locker, Pirate Xena. Put on leather gym shorts, and we'll talk.

Just then a carrier pigeon flew by. It landed on Xena's shoulder. Giving a smooch to Bloody Hell 2, it waited until Xena took the message from it, then flew away.

Xena opened the parchment and read the message.

Hey X,

It's me, Gabrielle. I hope your gym class is going well. Please don't kill Melosa, she's the best gym teacher Greek Olive High will ever have. Anyway, I know school just started, but I wanted to say "Hi" to you. HI.

Your secret friend,


Xena: Does anyone have a quill?

Melosa fished around in her cool windbreaker track pants and handed Xena a quill.


How are we supposed to remain secret friends if you keep sending me notes on a carrier pigeon?


Xena attached the note to Bloody Hell 2 and watched as he flew away. She'd rather have her parakeet on someone else's shoulder then in a locker.

Callisto: Who was that from?

Xena: No one.

Callisto: No one? Xena, it has to be from someone. Who? Borias?

Xena: No.

Callisto: Draco?

Xena: No.

Callisto: (Callisto's eyes water) Not...not Lao Ma, right?

Lao Ma: Did you forget that I was here, Callisto?

Callisto: No, I was ignoring you.

Xena: No. Don't worry about it, Callisto. It doesn't concern you.

Callisto: Every thing you do concerns me, Xena.

Callisto watched curiously as Xena went to the bubbler to get a drink of water. Lao Ma stopped Xena from taking a drink, took a drink herself, then passed the water from her mouth to Xena's mouth. Now Callisto was pissed.

Xena: (Wipes her mouth) Thanks Lao, I was thirsty.

Lao Ma: I can quench your thirst.

Callisto chucked a bottle of Gatorade at Xena.

Callisto: So can Gatorade.

Xena: Girls, please. I'm going out with Burrito...(Sigh) I mean, Borias.

Lao Ma: You and Borias will help me rule Chin.

Callisto: (Mimicking Lao a whiney nasal voice) You and Borias will help me rule Chin. (Normal voice) Gods Xena, you aren't considering doing that are you?

Xena didn't answer, because she had gone to the locker room to change her pants. Callisto got even more pissed.

Melosa: Callisto, what's wrong?

Callisto: Uh, nothing. Nothing at all. Sorry, dear.

Melosa: Uh..sure.

Xena came out of the locker room dressed in leather shorts.

Melosa: Much better, Xena.

Xena: Whatever. Let's play discus.

Xena sprinted across the field and tackled Hercules, making them both fall to the ground.

Herc: Whoa!

Melosa: That's not discus!

Xena wrapped her hands around Hercules' throat and squeezed, strangling him.

Melosa: Xena, you really must stop trying to kill Hercules.

Herc: By the gods, someone believes me!

Xena: (Kisses Herc full on the mouth) Sorry.

Herc: If you kiss me like that all the time I wouldn't mind your killing attempts half as much!

Everyone took their seats on the bleachers.

Autolycus was up for the first discus throw. He stood on the line, grabbed the heavy disc, attached his grappling hook to it and threw it as far as he could.

Melosa: 88 yards. Very good, Autolycus.

Autolycus: (Begins reeling in the discus)(Picks it up nonchalantly off the ground, and shoves it in his shirt) Thank you. (To himself) Never know when you'll need a good discus!

Melosa: Xena, your turn.

Xena walked up to the line and threw the discus with all her might. It flew off of a tree and headed directly for Hercules' neck. Luckily, Hercules had picked up a giant rock and the discus bounced off of it, and flew past Salmoneus' head, where Xena's hand finally reached out and grabbed it, holding it in place.

Salmoneus: I-I..I..Came to talk..b-but I think I'll pass.

Iolaus: You scared "SPARKY!!!!"

Xena shrugged and sat back down on the bleachers.

Hercules: (Whispers to Xena) Nice try. (Xena kisses him) Keep trying!

Melosa: Callisto, you're up.

Callisto stood on the line, screamed her war cry, and let the discus fly from her hand. It flew around the field, hit a tree, clipped a birds wings, gave Iolaus a haircut and landed firmly in the oracle's skull.

Callisto: (Turns around and points at Xena) It was her. I didn't kill her!

Xena: Was not. Stop blaming me for everything!

Melosa: Callisto, I'm going to have to give you detention for killing the oracle.

Callisto: No fair! It wasn't me! It wasn't me!

Melosa: Callisto, go to Salmoneus' office. NOW! And drag the Oracle with you.

Callisto: Do I have to?!

Melosa: YES! (Clears her throat) And as for the rest of's time for javelin toss. Lao Ma, you're up first.

Lao Ma: Thank you Melosa. For allowing me the pleasure of tossing the javelin first. I accept this gift with the utmost respect, and will use it wisely.

Lao Ma concentrated on the javelin that was lying on the ground, inanimate. Slowly it started to rise off the ground. Within seconds it was flying through the air, and hit the target 200 yards away.

Xena: Teach me to do that!

Lao Ma: Try.

Xena came down from the bleachers and stood next to Lao Ma. She set her eyes on the javelin, and concentrated. The javelin didn't move. Xena's face turned five different shades of red. Lao Ma laughed lightly, an amused smile plastered on her face.

Xena: What?

Lao Ma: I'm sorry, Xena. But you're trying to force the javelin with your will.

Xena: What else is there?

Lao Ma: There are wires. (Lao Ma points to the sky, and thin, almost invisible wires are suddenly noticeable).

Xena: Well friggen-A! I never thought of that. Isn't that..cheating?

Lao Ma: Oh and what do you suggest? I move it with some sort of special powers? Get real!


Xena stood outside of her mother's bordello (Remember, mom calls it an INN), waiting for the field-trip chariot. Bloody Hell 2 flapped around on her shoulder, hepped up on caffeine and opium fumes. Cyrene came out of the inn holding a bottle of mead.

Cyrene: I don't know why you're so against this trip, Xena. It might do you some good to get away from the grind.

Xena: I don't want to go.

Cyrene: See that? You never want to do anything. Just sit there all day and night, waxing your sword and doing fajitas.

Xena: That's sharpening my sword and doing flips.

Cyrene: Whatever. (Hands Xena a fishing pole) Here's your fishing pole, honey. I know how lost you'd be if you couldn't go fishing. Besides, I think it might do you a lot of good to get some fresh air into those young lungs of yours.

Xena: I hate you.

Cyrene: Now, now. Don't be like that to mother. Just last year you were calling me the coolest mom in the world. Now you hate me.

Xena: Back then you let me smoke opium.

Cyrene: And I don't now?

Xena: You don't support my habit.

Cyrene: Hey, do I run an inn? I told you, you want opium, you work for it!

Xena: You want me to become a tramp?

Cyrene: Why not? Look at that young girl Meg I just hired. Looks just like you! Does great with the men, and dare I say a few of the ladies!

Xena: Mom, I don't want to take over the family business.

Cyrene: Just like your brothers. Ingrate.

A chariot, driven by Caesar, pulled up in front of Cyrene's, inn.

Caesar: Come on, Xena. We haven't got all day.

Khraftstar: Yes, Xena. Please, get on the chariot.

Xena: (To Cyrene) Mom, something's freaking me out about this set up.

Cyrene: (Pushes Xena into the chariot) Stop being such a freak, get your ass in the chariot and enjoy the wilderness.

Gabrielle jumped upfrom her hiding space, frightening Xena. She was wearing a "My secret best-friend is Xena" T-Shirt. Xena groaned, and held her bedroll closer to her.

Boudecia: Hello, Xena. You need to sharpen your sword.

Xena: What the f*ck? I sharpen my sword all the f*cking time! Didn't you just hear my mother bitching me out because of it?

Boudecia: Sorry. Thought you might like it if I said something you were used to hearing from me.

Xena: Sorry, Boudy. Gabrielle is freaking me out.

Tears were dangerously close to spilling from Gabrielle's eyes.

Gabrielle: I thought you---I thought you liked me, Xena!

Xena: I do. I do. (Points at Gabby's shirt) But don't you understand the concept of a secret?

Gabrielle: (Ignores the secret thing) Xena, I got a parakeet for my birthday!

Xena noticed a blue parakeet on Gabrielle's shoulder.

Gabrielle: Its name is Bloody Wanker.

Xena: Cool! It was your birthday?

Gabrielle: I sent you an invitation....

Xena: Was that the message I received that said, "Xena, Gabrielle's secret friend, is invited to her birthday party, which has only 300 of her friends that aren't a secret, attending?"

Gabrielle: (Sheepish) Maybe.

Caesar: (Almost jealous) How come I wasn't invited to your birthday party?

Gabrielle: I don't like you.

Caesar: Really?

Gabrielle: No, I think you're really cute.

Xena: Back off, he's mine.

Gabrielle: I thought you were going out with Baklava.

Xena: That's Borias. Why can't anyone pronounce that?

Gabrielle: So you're saying you're going out with Borias and Caesar?

Xena: Well, not really, but kind of.

Caesar: (Eating an apple) You see, Gabrielle, (He pauses to hand the reins to Boudecia) Xena and I, we have a love/hate relationship. We love to hate each other. And quite frankly, I love it when she wears those leather pants. (Xena grins widely)(Caesar feeds a bite of his apple to Gabrielle) So how are you, Xena?

Xena: I've been better.

Caesar: Mom trying to coerce you into working at her whore house again?

Xena: (Sighs) Yep.

Caesar: That sucks.

Xena: Tell me about it. So, how's Brutus?

Caesar: Yesterday he stabbed me with a piece of chalk. He nearly broke the skin!

Xena: That's too bad. He's always been a bit psycho.

Caesar: I know.

Meridian stood-up.

Xena: Ahh! How many people are hiding in this chariot?

Caesar: It's just me, you, Boudy, Gabrielle, Meridian, Khrafstar and your damn parakeets.

Xena: We have no chaperone?

Caesar: I thought that was Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: No. I signed up to be next year's though.

Xena: (Whispers) Good, I won't be here.

Gabrielle: What did you say?

Xena: I said, "Hey, where are the reindeer?"

Gabrielle: Oh. (Boudecia can be heard sniffling) Boudy, what's the matter?

Boudecia: My eye paint is smearing!

A few hours later they reached a clearing. Passing a sign sporting the words, "Another piece of Greece that we'll pretend looks like Britannia (Whatever that means)." they all decided that it would be a great place to set up camp.

Xena: I have to go potty. S'cuse me.

Xena wandered out into the woods looking for a nice place to pee, when she felt like someone was watching her.

Xena: Mr. Ares, I know you're around here.

Ares: (Wearing an "I'm the chaperone T-Shirt") Yeah, I'm here. (Points to his shirt) I have to be. It's my punishment from Zeus for messing around with the Furies during school.

Xena: You deserve it.

Ares: Xena, that's not why I'm here.

Xena: Why are you here? To watch me pee?

Ares: Um, no. You see, you shouldn't trust Khrafstar or Meridian. They're trying to bring a new evil into the world.

Xena: Blah..blah. Whatever. I don't care, okay? I didn't even want to come on this stupid trip. My mom made me.

Ares: (Raises his eyebrow) Cyrene's alone? What about your brother Toris? Isn't he home?

Xena: Toris has gone fishing with Iolaus.

Ares: Oh well then, I've got to go. Have fun with Meridian and Khrafstar.

Xena: Wait. I thought you were our chaperone.

Ares: (Shrugs his shoulders) Just make sure Gabrielle doesn't kill anything, okay? (Disappearing) See ya!

Xena: (To herself) Why would Gabrielle kill anything? She's too lovable for that!

When Xena finally made her way back to the campsite, it was in complete chaos.

Caesar had gotten into a cat-fight with Boudecia over who had better eye make-up. Once he had that finished, he tied Khrafstar and Gabrielle up on trees and had started to smack their legs with rulers.


Gabrielle: Ouch.


Khrafstar: Ow.

Gabrielle: Xena, make him stop!

Xena: What am I supposed to do?

Gabrielle: I don't know, but that ruler hurts! (Caesar hits her again) OUCH!

Xena: Caesar, quit the sh*t.

Caesar: Make me.


Khrafstar: (muffled) Owie!

Xena pouted and grabbed a nearby fishing pole. Caesar threw down his ruler. He looked expectantly at Meridian until she handed him a fishing pole.

Khrafstar: Traitor!

Meridian: Calm down Khraf, it was just a fishing pole.

Xena and Caesar stared at each other, both of them willing the other to cast the line first. They cast simultaneously. It looked as though Caesar was going win, but Xena's hook knocked his hook a little to the left, so it missed her completely. Xena's hook landed solidly in Caesar's hand.

Caesar: (Looking all pissed off, while grabbing the hook and pulling it out of his hand)(Arrogantly) Well, that hurt.

Xena: Look everyone, I caught an ass! I mean, bass!

Caesar: Ha. Ha.

Xena: I'm sorry Caesie, want me to kiss it and make it better?

Caesar: (Turns his head) Nope.

Xena: Come on, please?

Caesar: I suppose. Though you aren't nearly as good at being motherly as Brutus is.

Xena: Give it up! Brutus is a psycho!

Gabrielle: Um, when you two are done flirting, if that's what you'd like to call it, could you um, untie us?

Xena: I don't know, you two kind of look better up there. Besides, more tent room for us.

Gabrielle: Xeeeenah!

Xena: Oh fine. Jeez. Baby.

Xena untied Khrafstar and Gabrielle.

Gabrielle, feeling as though Xena has somehow ignored her to be with Caesar, sat around the campfire with Khrafstar and Meridian. Bloody Wanker sat perched on a small stick by her side.

Boudecia, Caesar and Xena decided to go down to the river to fish.

Caesar: Nice day, isn't it?

Xena: It's okay.

Boudecia: It is nice and sunny. You just hate everything.

Xena: Hmm. Caesar betrayed me, I betrayed you. Move on.

Caesar: (Yawns) The fish aren't biting today.

Khrafstar and Meridian watched Gabrielle intently as she moved around the campfire. All they needed was for her to step on one poor unsuspecting ant. That was to be their blood sacrifice.

Khrafstar: Praise to the one god.

Gabrielle: (Perks up) Did you say something?

Khrafstar: No. You must be imagining things.

Gabrielle: Okay. I believe you.

Twelve people in blue robes entered the campsite and formed a ring around the flickering campfire.

Gabrielle: Hi, this is a private campsite, so you need to go and find your own campfire, okay?

The blue robed people said nothing back.

Meridian: Hey, let's recite poetry.

Khrafstar: Sounds good to me.

Gabrielle: Okay. I like poetry.

Meridian: (Takes a deep breath) Okay, here it is. (Looks at Khrafstar knowingly) From the beginning of time the One has been waiting to complete the circle. (Gab looks suspiciously around at the circle of blue robed people formed around the fire) The world that is His has reached a time of rejoining. The days of old are gone, and the new is before us. Tremble at His arrival.

Khrafstar: Coolness.

Gabrielle: Um, whoa, that's deep!

Meridian: But first, the door must be opened. The path of his arrival must be sanctified in blood. Innocent blood. ANT BLOOD.

One blue robed person grabbed Bloody Wanker off of her perch. Dipping her into a jar of honey, the blue robe then placed the parakeet on top of an overturned shoebox, and pinned her wings to it.

Gabrielle: Hey, that's my bird. What are you doing with my bird?

A different blue robed person brought forth an ant farm, stolen from a little ten year old boy they found on the science fair campsite. The blue robed person smiled in a blue robed way, and broke the ant farm over a blue robed knee.

The fire ants, sensing freedom and honey, made their way toward Bloody Wanker.

The blue robed people suddenly started to chant.

Meridian: Khraft, I don't think she's going to kill any of those ants.

Khrafstar: You think she'll let them kill her bird? It's her birthday present, she's not just going to let it die.

Meridian: I don't know, she's not moving. Come on, move. Step on the ants. Step on 'em!

Gabrielle tried to go to her parakeet, but blue robed people were holding her by the arms. She punched them out and ran toward Bloody Wanker.

Meridian: This world will end today. The hand of Dahak will sweep the earth, bringing with it the winter of a thousand years. Killing everyone who stands in the way of his world.

Khrafstar: Cool. Hey, Gabrielle, you might want to try and save your bird.

As Meridian and Khrafstar watch, fascinated, Gabrielle started to stomp on all the defenseless little ants.

Gabrielle: I hate you, ants! Die! Die! Come on and DIE!

Gabrielle, while stomping, dug through her nearby backpack and found a can of RAID. Being careful not to spray her bird, she sprayed like a crazed girl armed with a can of RAID trying to save her little ten dinar parakeet.

Khrafstar: I had no idea she was so violent.

Meridian: Must've been all that henbane she was doing before.

Khrafstar: I agree. Although somehow I think it might have to do with her social economic structure and her childhood background.

Meridian: You think she was abused?

Khrafstar: No. (Pausing to light a cigar) One might think that she has been, but rather, I think she was loved too much. Paid too much attention to as a child. Lord Dahak even hopes she's an only child.

Gabrielle stomped and sprayed until the ants were completely mashed. Suddenly coming out of the spree of ant killing she was on, she stared down at the bloody mangled corpses of the fire ants in her hands, which were now coated with their blood. The look in her eyes was apologetic at best, but nothing could bring back their lives.

Khrafstar walked over to her (careful to put out his cigar first, those things can start forest fires you know), and picked up some of the ant guts from her hand.

Khrafstar: Thank you, Gabrielle. You're going to help bring Dahak into this world. He needed a sacrifice, and not just one of flesh, blood, and of course fire ants. He wanted your purity, your innocence of evil. And you just gave it to him. (Taking the can of RAID from her hand, he sprayed it around the campfire like a madman) This world and all who are on it will be no more. The new kingdom of Dahak will rule. And your parakeet, Gabrielle, will bring it to us.

Gabrielle: NO!

Xena, while swimming and trying to drown Caesar, noticed a huge black cloud right above their campsite.

Xena: Do you see that?

Caesar: I can't see anything. (Gurgle) Let me up! Come on Xena! Let go of my head.

Xena: (Pouting) That's not what you say to Brutus.

Caesar: He's not trying to kill me.

Xena: That's what you think.

Boudecia: I see it, Xena. I wonder what that is.

Xena: I'm going to check it out.

Xena got out of the water, and headed back to the camp site. Careful to stuff Bloody Hell 2 into her cleavage for safe keeping, she unsheathed her sword and made her way through the forest.

The first thing she noticed upon stepping into the campsite was that there were dead ants everywhere.

Xena: Who did this?

Gabrielle: I did. The ants....(Sob) I just...stepped on them, and kept spraying...

Xena: Accidentally, you....

Gabrielle: No. I killed them. I murdered them. I sprayed RAID, Xena.

Khrafstar: Thank you, Xena.

Xena: For what?

Khrafstar: For making Gabby be your secret friend. If you hadn't, she never would've wanted that damn parakeet, and Dahak would not have been able to enter this world.

Khrafstar made a few funny faces and turned into the deliverer.

Xena: Ooooh. Boy, you ugly!

Khrafstar: (Touches his face lightly) Oh no! You're right. I am ugly! (Looking into the fire) You never mentioned this in your "sell your soul" contract. (The fire crackles) What the f*ck do you mean, "Look at the fine print?" That's not right! You lied to me, Dahak! You said you'd make me cool.

Xena: He lied. Isn't that unfortunate?

Xena punched Khrafstar in the nose.

Khrafstar: What are you doing? Why are you beating me up?

Xena: I'm just helping you get uglier, Sweet Cheeks.

The ground started to shake. The campfire erupted into a huge ball of flame from the can of RAID Meridian threw in it. A huge explosion sounded, making them all cover their ears for a minute. A claw-like hand spewed out from the fire, grabbing Bloody Wanker in its grasp.

Bloody Wanker: Chirp. Chirp. Tweet. Chirp.

Translation: Please, please don't let this thing take me. Help me, Xena! Help me! Listen you skank, stop fighting with the ugly boy and pay attention to me! It's all about you, isn't it? It's always about you!

The fire pulled Bloody Wanker all the way in, wrapping the parakeet up in its hot tendrils of burning flames. Strangely, it didn't burn the parakeet at all, it just seemed to envelope it in a bizarre deathly hug. The chanting started again, even though the blue robed people have disappeared.

Gabrielle repeatedly tried to get Bloody Wanker out of the evil fire's clutches.

Gabrielle: (Attempts to put hand in fire) Ouch. (Again) Ouch. (Again) What in Tartarus is wrong with this thing? It hurts me, but doesn't do a damn thing to the bird! (Again) OUCH! (Sigh) I give up.

Xena: Dude! (Checks her cleavage to make sure Bloody Hell 2 is still in there) I'm glad that's not my bird!

Xena defeated Khrafstar by holding up a mirror and letting him look at himself. Once she was done that, the fire smoldered out, and Bloody Wanker headed right into what was seemingly a bottomless pit. Xena ran in time to jump the pit and saved the bird.

Boudecia and Caesar came back from the river just in time to see Xena save Bloody Wanker.

It started to pour.

Caesar: Gods, our trip is ruined!

Xena: (To Gabrielle) Well, that was weird.

Gabrielle: Yeah, totally.

Meridian smirked, while Khrafstar tries to pull off his face like it's a mask.

Khrafstar: Yeah, well I hope you read the fine print Meridian, looks like Dahak shrunk your chest.

Meridian looked at her chest and screamed.


Cyrene: Oh, it's you. Why did you knock?

Xena: Because you won't give me a key.

Cyrene: Oh yeah. How was your trip honey?

Xena: The weirdest thing happened, Mother. There was an evil fire, and Khrafstar got real ugly.

Cyrene: Is that the little foreign boy from Britannia?

Xena: Yep.

Cyrene: He was ugly already.

Xena: Yeah, but then Gabrielle's parakeet, Bloody Wanker, got caught in the fire's grasp, and Gabrielle couldn't get the damn thing out. [SMACK] Why did you hit me?

Cyrene: Language!

Xena: Gods. Anyway, it was freaky. (Xena looks around her kitchen and sees an "I'm the chaperone" T-Shirt lying on the table) Was Mr. Ares here?

Cyrene: (Looks like a caged rat) Um, yeah. He came here

Xena: Talk?

Cyrene: Yes, about your grades. You simply must do better.

Xena: Mom, I got an alpha.

Cyrene: Without sleeping with the teacher. You must do better on your own.

Xena: Moooooooom.

Cyrene: Xeeeeeeeenah. Now go to your room. (Xena heads upstairs to go to her room) No, wait! Meg's in there with a customer. Guess you can't sleep here tonight.

Xena: Eeeew. I thought I told you to stop using my room like that.

Cyrene: Do you pay room and board?

Xena: (Sigh) No.

Cyrene: Until you do, you don't have a say in this. As long as you live in my whore house little missy, it'll be run like a whore house, ya hear me?

Xena: Yes mom. Is that opium? (Cyrene sighs and hands Xena a fix) I'll be over at Borias'.

Cyrene: Night hon.

Xena: Night mom.

Cyrene: I like ya a little.

Xena: I like you a little, too. I guess.


Hecuba: How was your camping trip, hon?

Gabrielle: It was scary.

Hecuba: Rain isn't that scary, Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: I'm not talking about the rain. There was this...I killed some..ants..and then the grabbed up Bloody was...real--scary.

Hecuba: Herodotus!! Gabrielle's been at the henbane again!

Gabrielle: Mom, I haven't been doing henbane.

Herodotus: What's this? She's been doing henbane, again?! Gabrielle you're grounded.

Gabrielle: Come on! I'm not doing henbane, it's true.

Lila: What's true?

Hecuba: Herodotus, did you hear something?

Lila: I'm talking to you, damn it! (Lila starts eating nutbread laced with henbane in front of her parents) I'm doing henbane! I'm a crazy nut, like Gabrielle. You need to pay attention to me!

Herodotus: (Thinks for a moment) No, I don't hear anything.

Lila, pissed off, throws the nutbread at Gabrielle, making it bounce off her head and onto her lap. Herodotus picks it up.

Herodotus: (Waving around the chunk of drugged nutbread) Not doing nutbread!?! What is this, young lady?! NUTBREAD! Well, now we know who won't be riding the family donkey to the school dance.

Gabrielle: You promised!

Herodotus: Promises mean nothing in the face of drugs.

Gabrielle: It was Lila. The nutbread isn't mine.

Lila's eyes light up with joy. Someone actually mentioned her!

Hecuba: Who is Lila?

Gabrielle: (Eyes widen) Your other daughter, your youngest...

Hecuba: Doesn't ring a bell.

Lila: MOM!

Hecuba: Ooooh. (Laughing) That Lila! I'm sorry honey!

Lila: It's okay. I'm used to it.

Gabrielle: So I still get to ride the donkey to the school dance, right?

Herodotus: Of course, sunshine. Sorry we doubted you.

Gabrielle: No problem.

Herodotus: You'll have to package coffee with us until dawn though.

Gabrielle: Figures. Dad, there's something wrong with my parakeet. Can you check it out?

Herodotus: Of course. What's the matter with Bloody Wanker?

Gabrielle carefully hands Bloody Wanker over to her father.

Herodotus: How has she been sick?

Gabrielle: You know..puking....she seems tired. She barely even chirps anymore, and she keeps trying to eat my hair.

Herodotus: Well, what do I look like a veterinarian? I'm your peasant father for godssakes! (Throws Bloody Wanker at Gabrielle) You figure out what's wrong with the bird. I'm going to work on the coffee grinds.


Lila: Hey, this is my room, too.

The Writer: Oops.


Gabrielle placed Bloody Wanker back in her cage, and stared at her with worry.

Gabrielle: What happened to you at that campsite?

Two seconds later, Bloody Wanker laid an egg.

Gabrielle: DAAAAAADDDDD!!!

Herodotus ran in from outside.

Herodotus: What? What is it?

Gabrielle: Bloody Wanker just laid an egg!

Herodotus: You called me from the coffee grinds to tell me that? So what!!!

Herodotus went back to his precious coffee grinds.

Lila: That's weird, I didn't know Bloody Wanker had a partner.

Gabrielle: I thought Bloody Wanker was a lesbian. That means I've been reading her Sappho's works for nothing.

Lila: I'm sure Bloody Wanker appreciated it just the same.

Gabrielle: Why am I talking to you? Get lost.

Lila: Same old same old.

A few hours later Bloody Wanker's egg hatched to some scary music, complete darkness, and a ram that had wandered into their room from the barn. A new little parakeet came forth into the world. It was red, with red eyes and fangs. Making it bear quite the resemblance to Ozzy Osbourne.

Gabrielle: What an odd looking parakeet.

Parakeet: Tweet. Chirp.

Translation: GO TO TARTARUS! I'm going to eat birdseed out of your skull!

Gabrielle: It's cute though.

Parakeet: (Innocently looking up at Gabrielle) Chirp.

Translation: I'm going to suck your eyeballs out and spit them back at you just for the mere pleasure it'll bring me.

Gabrielle didn't seem to notice Bloody Wanker banging her head repeatedly against a small mirror with beads. BANG. BANG. BANG. Chirp. Groan. BANG.

Gabrielle fed the baby parakeet some budgie seed.

Parakeet: Chirp. Tweet.

Translation: My father will kill you and all puny mortals like you. Live in fear you vile worm. Thanks for the birdseed though, I sure was hungry. Souls of the dying would've slaked my thirst much better, but for now...this'll do.

Gabrielle: Yep, a cute parakeet for sure.



A giant disco ball swayed from the middle of the huge gymnasium ceiling. To the beat of a bacchae band (who suspiciously only sing one song...something along the lines of "do it with me now") the ball would periodically release huge spikes and take out whoever happened to be standing underneath it. An unfortunate accident. Or at least that's what the school board would tell the "problem" child's parents. Salmoneus sighed. What a genius he was for inventing such a wonderful scum remover. Speaking of problems...Xena was on stage doing her dance of the three veils. Gods, he'd love to have her mother arrested.

Salmoneus: Xena, I'm sorry, but you can't do your dance of the three veils here.

Xena: It's not my fault, "Sparky," Autolycus made me do it.

Salmoneus turned around and looked at Autolycus accusingly.

Autolycus: I didn't make her do it. Do you see a sword in my hand? (He turns to Xena) Nice work, Xe! We'll have to go down to the Amazon and see if we can get ya a job.

Xena: Cool.

Lao Ma: Xena, would you allow me the pleasure of dancing with you? (She leans in to whisper in Xena's ear) We'll be on wires!

Xena: Sure! I'd love to dance with you.

Lao Ma quickly hooked Xena up on a harness, then put on her own. She smirked when she realized she even got Xena to change her dress. Now she was wearing a billowy purple silk dress. It complimented Lao Ma's cream colored dress quite nicely.

Lao Ma: (Cues the director) Now! (Both girls are lifted up in the air. Everyone in the gym stares at them). Isn't this cool?

Xena: Can they see my underwear?

Lao Ma: Do you really care?

Xena: Kind of. You see, I'm not wearing any.

Lao Ma maneuvered her wires so that she could look up Xena's skirt.

Lao Ma: You're right. Wow.

Xena: Did you just do what I think you just did?

Lao Ma: Of course not. Lao Ma is not a pervert. You just imagined it.

Borias walked into the gymnasium. Thump. Thump. Thump, went his boots on the newly waxed and buffed floor (Somewhere in the gymnasium was a pissed off janitor cursing Borias' name). He stared up in awe at the two chicks in the air.

Xena: BORY!

Xena, spotting Borias, fell flat on her face.

Lao Ma: (To herself) Damn, I didn't even get to...I hair clips with her...

Borias: 'Ello, Seena. I came to dance. Eye brought your outfeet.

Xena: (Gets up and looks at her punkass chainmail) Thanks Bory!! (Xena runs into the bathroom and changes) (A moment later) How do I look?

Borias: Magnee-feces.

Xena: You think I look like sh*t?

Borias: Magnee-feces. You know..magnee-feces.

Xena: Magnificent?

Borias: Ah, dat's the word eye was looking for. Sank you.

Xena: Well, anything not to be told I look like sh*t....

Gabrielle hopped, skipped and jumped into the gym. She was a tad nervous about how she looked. Her mother would kill her for wearing the outfit she was wearing now. It was a rust colored skirt, and a green top that looked like the carpeting they had around their chamber pot. Ah, but she felt so good in it. She didn't want to wear it at first, but Ephiny convinced her. Cautiously, she sniffed under her arms. Gods, she smelled like donkey! That was the last time she was taking that damn thing anywhere!

Bloody Wanker poked her head out of Gabrielle's BGSB. Why did that girl leave her with the evil parakeet? If you could even call it that. It wasn't even a parakeet. Just evil. Bloody Bastard kept staring at her with blood red eyes, chirping insanely. Not only that, but she needed to preen her feathers. She looked as though she could've been wearing a parakeet wig! Bah.

Callisto: Hey Gabrielle.

Gabrielle: Callisto. Why are you talking to me?

Callisto: I'm bored.

Gabrielle: Oh.

Callisto: (Points at Joxer, Minya, Hower, Lila and Perdicus) Look at those dorks. What a bunch of wallflowers.

Gabrielle: Hey, that's my sister!

Callisto: Ooh, how unfortunate for you.

Gabrielle: Ack. I don't like you.

Callisto: Fine. Your outfit sucks. What did you do rip it up from around your chamber pot or something? Yucko.

Gabrielle: (Gasps) I most certainly did not!

Callisto: Sure you didn't.

More banshees appeared. Hey! Banshees like to dance, too. Even bad-acting banshees liked to do a little waltzing now and then. That of course, in the middle of protecting something evil. They hardly ever got invited anywhere.

Banshee1: Gabriellllllllllllle. We mean you no harm. Please, no, don't snap your fingers. Wait, hear me out!

Gabrielle: What?!

Callisto: Whoa, you've got banshee-itis. Later, gator.

Banshee1: You're carrying the parakeet of darkness in your BGSB.

Gabrielle: What's a BGSB?

Banshee2: Bilious green sports bra. Personally though, I think you got it from around your chamber pot.

Gabrielle: AHH! Stop that!

Gabrielle snapped her fingers and watched as the banshee evaporated.

Banshee1: Listen, like, that parakeet is evil and I need to protect it.

Gabrielle: Get lost, it's mine. Find your own ten dinar parakeet.

Banshee1: Hey, fine, don't say I didn't warn ya when that leather clad ho-dog over there tries to kill it.

Gabrielle: Xena wouldn't do that.

Banshee1: Are you sure?

Gabrielle: Not really. Can you leave me alone now?

Banshee1: Fine.

The banshee (NUMBER ONE) left the gymnasium in search for more clothes.

Gabrielle spotted Perdicus leaning against the wall.

Gabrielle: Hey Perd, wanna dance?

Perdicus: Want to go steady?

Gabrielle: What? Just two weeks ago you laughed at me for asking you!

Perdicus: I've changed. I love you.

Gabrielle: Okay!


Solari approached Xena.

Solari: Wanna dance?

Xena: (Laughs) You want to dance with me?

Solari: Please? I'll ....I''ll just, really make me happy.

Xena: In that case definitely not.


Bloody Bastard flew from her secure hiding place in Gabrielle's BGSB, and onto Callisto's leather skirt. The blonde was much too busy wolfing down a chocolate donut to notice a small parakeet landing on her. Making sure her feathers were preened in an "I'm-an-evil-furking-parakeet" way, she forced Callisto's belt dagger out of its sheath, then propelled it toward Perdicus, who was talking to Gabrielle.

The dagger went flying, plunging into Perdicus' heart. Good shot! Bloody Bastard thought to herself, as she flew back to her hiding place in the chamber pot carpeting.

Gabrielle looked from Perdicus to Callisto, from Callisto to Perdicus.

Gabrielle: OH NO! Perdicus! (Whimper) (Softly) Xeeenah.


Xena: (To Solari) Oops, see ya! There's my cue.


Xena: (To Gabrielle) What? What is it?

Gabrielle: It's Perdicus. Can't you see that dagger in his heart?

Xena: You called me over here for that?

Gabrielle: Callisto did it!

Callisto: (Pauses in the middle of taking a bite from her delicious chocolate donut) I didn't kill him. (Taking the bite) It was that evil bird in your carpeting.

Gabrielle: What is it with you people and my top?

Xena: It is the color of puke.

Gabrielle: You too?

Callisto: Hey, since when did you two become friends?

Gabrielle: Xena's my secret friend.

Immediately one thousand students whispered to each other about Xena being Gabrielle's secret friend. It's not a secret any longer.

Xena: You told!

Gabrielle: Whoops.

Xena: What's this about an evil bird?

Callisto: (Explains) It flew out of her top. Using some sort of levitation it raised my dagger into the air, and threw it at Perdicus.

Xena: Bloody Wanker did that?

Gabrielle:'s the thing...when we came back from camping, Bloody Wanker laid an egg, and out popped Bloody Bastard!

Xena: (Grabs Gabrielle's top and gropes around for the bird) Ouch, the damn thing bit me! (Once securing the bird in her hand, she looks down at it) Gabrielle, did you notice it's bright red?

Gabrielle: I thought it had a pigment problem.

Xena: This bird is EVIL!

Gabrielle: It's not evil!

Xena brought Bloody Bastard to the food table and threw her into a bowl of spiked punch.

Gabrielle: What are you doing? That's my bird you're trying to kill!

Xena: You don't understand. You were at some kind of ceremony. If I wasn't so busy trying to drown Caesar, I might've been able to save Bloody Wanker (Pushing Bloody Bastard deeper into the punch bowl, covering her head completely). But this bird Gabrielle, has to die!

Gabrielle: NO! BANSHEES!

Banshee1: You think you can just call me any old time?

Banshee4: Yeah, banshees have feelings you know.

Gabrielle: Fight her!

Xena fought with the banshees while Gabrielle scooped up Bloody Bastard from her horrible "almost" death.

Gabrielle: (To Bloody Bastard) I'd put you in my top, but I'm cold enough thank you!

Gabrielle ran into the bathroom, aware that Xena had defeated the banshees and had started to follow her. She opened a window and let Bloody Bastard fly outside.

Gabrielle: (Watching as Bloody Bastard flies away) Be good!

Bloody Bastard: (Burp) Tweet.

Translation: What the hell was in that punch? I've got the oddest feeling running through my wings.

Gabrielle: (Pauses to take a deep breath) XEEENAH!

Xena: Gabrielle? (Xena hears the flush of a toilet/chamber pot...a chamber pot with flushing skills...the chamber pot has many skills) What is it?

Gabrielle: It's Bloody Bastard. She tried to peck my eyes out. So I...I flushed her. I flushed her.

Xena: Oh. Cool. That takes care of my problem. See ya!

The End

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