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School Sucks

By JadeCB
© 1999

Disclaimers: Naughty words, sexual innuendo's, subtext, hettext, implied drug use and a parakeet named Bloody Hell are all in this parody. If you can't take any of this, um, don't read it. It's for your health, really. You were warned.

Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and all characters associated with either show, are the property of Universal/MCA. No copyright infringement is intended. The parody is © to me. ME!

School Sucks School Bites School Blows School B.S.

Herodotus and Hecuba were sitting at their kitchen table. They were waiting for their daughter, Gabrielle, or as Hecuba liked to call her, "Gah-brielle," to come home from "Greek Olive High" cheerleading practice. They had a little something to discuss with their daughter.

Gabrielle walked home from school, trying to wriggle back into the long skirt her mother made her wear. This was the third day she had managed to get away with changing at school. How many times must she tell her mother you can't cheer in a skirt that goes past your ankles? Placing the short skirt in her bag, she walked through the door of her home--To find her parents staring at her.

Hecuba: Gah-brielle, we have something we need to discuss with you.

Herodotus: Yes, that's right.

Gabrielle: Well, what is it? Did I get a delta on my report card or something?

Herodotus: Gabrielle, we got this scroll from your principal today.

Herodotus slowly opened the scroll watching as Gabrielle's face changed many different characteristics.

Herodotus: Let me read it aloud so we all can hear. "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Valdez, sorry we don't want any coffee from you people, nor do we want your donkey as our school mascot. Remove the offensive thing immediately. We thought you were 'regular' farmers! (Herodotus and Hecuba look ashamed for a moment) Let me also take the time to say that upon locker inspection we found a half pound of henbane laced nutbread in your daughters. You should deal with this as soon as possible. Your daughter is suspended for two days, and when she comes back she'll have detention with the rest of the ingrates for a month. With this detention she also needs to take therapy classes every day with the school therapist. Group sessions. P.S. She's also kicked off of the cheerleading squad."

Gabrielle: WHAT?! I don't eat nutbread laced with henbane. They're out of their minds! I'm a cheerleader!

Herodotus: Not anymore.

Gabrielle: This totally sucks!

Lila: (Comes in from school) Gabrielle, how come ya wouldn't walk home with me?

Gabrielle: Face it, Lila, you're a dork. Why would I want to walk with you?

Hecuba: Gah-brielle, you really should be nicer to your sister.

Herodotus: Forget about Lila. (Looks at Lila) Sorry, honey. (Lila goes to her room to cry) I want to talk about the henbane!

Gabrielle: That's it! I'm running away from this dump! And I'm taking some coffee!

Herodotus: Gabrielle Valdez, you get back here young lady!

Hecuba: At least tell us where you're going!

Gabrielle: That would defy the purpose of running away. (She slams the door, then opens it again) Have a nice night!

Gabrielle left, slamming the door one last time.

Later she found solace with her friends down at the "Amazon".

Solari: Gabrielle, that really bites that your parents think you were on henbane.

Gabrielle: I am on henbane.

Ephiny: (Gasps) By the gods Gabrielle, do you know how lethal that stuff is?

Gabrielle: (Eyes start to tear) I know Eph, I know. But I just have so much stress!

Ephiny: Okay, well you can stay at my house.

Eponion: (To Ephiny) Hey! You're staying at my house!

Ephiny: Yeah, and now so is Gabrielle. It's not my fault my parents don't like my centaur boyfriend.

Two days passed. Gabrielle got ready for school not bothering with the long skirt this time.

Gabrielle, Ephiny, Solari, and Eponion were walking through the halls when they all spotted HER.

Solari: Is it really her? Bestill my freshmen heart!

Gabrielle: Is it really who?

Ephiny: It's Xena. Solari has had a crush on her since the first grade when Xena slammed her head into her desk for not letting her play with the class pet fish.

Gabrielle: Well, she's cute--But I like Perdicus.

Ephiny: It doesn't matter. Xena's dating Draco anyway. They're a couple of punks. Regular suspensions and detentions. Hey, you'll probably see them in your therapy sessions.

Ephiny paused to slam Joxer into the nearby lockers, watching as all his books fall onto the ground. They all laughed at his distress and went to class.

Joxer: (In a squeaky pre-pubescent voice) Hey! What did I do?

HOME EC 101:

Gabrielle: (Chewing on some nutbread) So tell me more about this..Xena.

Eponion: (Writing "This sucks" on the desk) Well I heard she slept with Mr. Ares, the history teacher, just to get an alpha.

Gabrielle: He's kind of cute.

Ephiny: Yeah, I'd do him for an alpha.

Eponion: What about Panties...(At Ephiny's look) I'm sorry, Phantes?

Ephiny: Well, I wouldn't tell him.

Gabrielle: Ephiny! You're saying you'd sleep with someone else and not tell your boyfriend?

Ephiny: Gabrielle, we're in high school. We can sleep with whomever we want.

Solari: Not me.

Solari kept writing "Solari N' Xena" on the desk then wiping it off fearing that Xena would find it.

Eponion: Give it up, Solari. Xena will never go for you.

Solari: You don't know that!

Eponion: If anything she's more of Gabrielle's type.

Gabrielle: Me? But I like Perdicus! He's the football star! Who do you think I go out there and cheer for?

Ephiny: I would say I cheer for Phantes if he could make the team. Damn four-legged handicap!

Miss Bianka: Girls, girls..please quiet down, we're trying to make cookies.

They were all quiet for a moment, until Gabrielle got whacked on the head with a baseball-sized chunk of cookie dough.

Gabrielle: What in Tartarus was that?

Craning her neck to see who the next Babeius Ruthius was, she felt the impact on her head as she got whacked with another ball of dough.

Ephiny: It was Velasca!

Velasca: I hate you, Gabrielle!

Gabrielle: I don't happen to think fondly of you either.

Velasca: You slept with my boyfriend.

Gabrielle: Huh? I'm a virgin!

Velasca: (Starts laughing insanely) I KNEW IT! I knew if I said that I could get you to admit it!

Velasca walked up to the chalkboard and wrote "Gabrielle Valdez, child of coffee, IS A VIRGIN" on it.

Gabrielle: HEY!

Ephiny: Whoa, she's got it bad for you.

Gabrielle: I didn't do anything to her!

Solari: You stole her bacchae mask from the last harvest festival. She really loved that mask.

Gabrielle: That mask was rightfully mine. Terreis gave it to me before she moved to Macedonia, so I don't know what Velasca's problem is!

Ephiny: (Yawns) Boy this home ec thing's a piece of cake!


Gabrielle walked slowly into the office labeled "Shrinkage." She didn't like the sound of that. "Man, this is for retards and punks. I don't want to go to this!" she thought. Oh well, it was required. She took her seat.

Mr. Talmadeus sat down and examined his group of students in need of shrinkage. He sighed. Great group.

Xena. His regular.

Hercules. He wasn't quite sure why he was still here.

Iolaus. Gods he was annoying, he could prattle on for an hour about how he couldn't get his curls to go the right way in his hair.

Autolycus. The little thief! He'd stolen his pouch of dinars five times already.

Gabrielle. The cheerleader. Just dandy.

Joxer. The school dork, poor kid already sported bruises from today.

Draco. Xena's boyfriend, just there to make sure Hercules didn't try to hit on her while she was away from his side. Nice.

Callisto. He didn't even want to get in to her problems.

Mr. Talmadeus: Okay kids. Most of you know the drill. This is Gabrielle. She's new, and she'll be with us for a while. Apparently the school board finds her in need of shrinkage. First things first. Welcome to "communicating with your family and friends" each of you say an adjective that best describes you. Remember that nothing leaves this room.

Joxer: Lonely.

Gabrielle: Funny. Warm. Caring. Outgoing personality and an all around cheery disposition!

Mr. Talmadeus: I said "an" adjective..not a whole bunch of them.

Xena: I'm what Gabrielle is.

Herc: Bastard.

Xena: I'm not a bastard! I don't think...

Herc: Not you, sunshine. Me!

Callisto: FIRE!

Mr. Talmadeus: Callisto, fire is not an adjective, it's a noun.

Callisto: Hiss HIIIIISSSSS.

Mr.Talmadeus: Never mind. Okay lets skip this and get to the personal problems. Let's start with you, Xena, since you have so many.

Xena: HEY!

Mr. Talmadeus: Let's start with the opium. Still doing it?

Xena: Yes.

Mr. Talmadeus: That's not good. What about that man I've been seeing picking you up after school in his chariot.

Draco, seemingly sleeping before, is now wide awake.

Draco: What???

Mr. Talmadeus: Yeah the guy...wearing all the armor. Speaks with some funky accent.

Xena: (To Mr. Talmadeus) Shut up! (To Draco) Draco, I know now isn't a good time to tell you this, but I've met someone else.

Xena smiles sweetly at Draco.

Draco: (Jumps up on his desk) What about fighting at my side and celebrating your dark side?

Xena: You know I don't go to prom.

Mr. Talmadeus: Okay. Enough! Gabrielle, what are you here for?

Gabrielle: Well, like,, my parents got a scroll from "Sparky" you know, the principal, and he found like, um, henbane in my locker, so now I've been like, you know hanging out at the Amazon and doing henbane all night.

During Gabrielle's speech Callisto threw a boot dagger at Xena. Xena threw it at Draco. Draco threw it at Hercules. Hercules set it down to be handed over to the principal. He's a good boy.

Mr. Talmadeus: Why do you do henbane? You're such a good girl.

Gabrielle: I'm not a good girl! And school sucks! I know I may be a cheerleader and all that, but I mean...I cheer all the time for Perdicus, and he never even looks at me!

Xena lit up a hookah and inhaled deeply.

Mr. Talmadeus: Xena, don't make me try to kill you and be all, "Who killed, Xena? I KILLED her."

Xena looked at Mr. Talmadeus wondering if he was serious or not. Finally, she put out her hookah and put it back in her knapsack. Damn shrinks.

Callisto: (Leans over and whispers in Xena's ear) Seen Caesar lately?

Xena casually leaned over and bitch slapped Callisto.

Mr. Talmadeus: Xena, don't make me have your horse whipped. I might want you torn limb from limb.

Xena: Whoops. "Who bitch slapped, Callisto? I BITCH SLAPPED, Callisto!"

Autolycus: Hey, you know, Iolaus, Joxer and I...well we're all here, too.

Gabrielle: Yeah, me too!

Autolycus: Who cares about you, blondie?

Callisto: (Looks up at him in a blank "My mother never fed me when I was little" way) Hey, don't call her that.

Autolycus: Listen, "Ultra Stain Remover with Bleach," I don't need to hear a lecture from you. Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm heading down to the CAF for lunch.

Mr. Talmadeus: Autolycus, before you go...

Autolycus: Yes?

Mr. Talmadeus: Give everyone their dinars back. (Autolycus sighs and hands everyone their dinars back) Now that, that's done, I want to apologize to Iolaus, for not being able to discuss just which angle his hair curls at. To Hercules, for not being able to discuss his evil step mother Hera, who once again is drinking out of the milk carton and blaming it on him. To Autolycus...never mind I'm not apologizing to you. To Draco for not discussing your self-esteem levels when you're wearing your chocolate sundae banana split hat. And last but not least, to Callisto, who didn't get to try to burn us all with her flint like she usually does. Go now, shrinkage dismissed.


Callisto: (To Velasca) I don't know why we got stuck with the foreign exchange students.

Velasca: Who cares? I just want my bacchae mask. That mask was mine. By right of the harvest festival, THAT MASK WAS MINE!

Krhafstar: Have either of you ever heard of the one god?


Velasca: Callie, chill..okay...chill. He was just asking a simple question.

Callisto: That's true. Maybe your little Britannia-headed self should mosey on over to Gabrielle's table over there.

Krhafstar: Never mind. My one god has taught me to avoid direct confrontation. I'll just wait. Maybe she'll go camping with me and Meridian..oh around the campfire we go.

M'lila stood in the lunch line speaking Gaelic to the lunch lady.

Lunch Lady: What's she saying?

Caesar: She said it's too late for it.

Lunch Lady: For what?

Caesar: The corndog. It's dead.

Lunch Lady: (Sarcastic) Oh, she's real bright.

Caesar: (Looking at his dish) No, the peas go on one side, the corn on the other. It's called divide and conquer.

Lunch Lady: Whatever punk, here's your chocolate milk now go sit down.

Caesar: I shall.

Lila: So Joxer how many times did you get beat up today?

Joxer: Three.

Minya: That's not too bad. I beat you up two of those times.

Joxer: (Smiles) That is true.

Lila: My parents don't love me. They're so concerned with their precious Gabrielle that they don't even notice when I leave the house at midnight anymore.

Hower: Going to roll nude in the coffee grinds again, Lila?

Lila: Don't knock it until you've tried it!

Joxer: I'm just sick of getting pushed into lockers. I mean what did I ever do to anyone?

Minya: You were born.

Joxer: Well I don't see you being miss popularity. If you were you'd be sitting with Ephiny and the rest of them.

Minya: Ephiny's overrated! I mean, so what if she won the freshman Amazon Queen dance title? Her skirt looked horrible and her feathers were lopsided.

Lila: It's rumored Gabrielle will win this year. One more thing for me to be ignored for.

Joxer: Did you say something?

Ephiny: So Gabrielle, what are you going to do about your henbane problem?

Eponion: Yeah you can't live at my house forever. You too, Ephiny.

Gabrielle: I'll go home tonight, Eponion. Sometimes my parents just tick me off you know?

The lunch lady looked at them curiously as though studying a group of Minotaurs out in the wildness. She walked over to their table. Picking a delicate dish off of her cafeteria tray, being careful not to spill it, she handed it to Hercules.

Hercules: What's this?

Lunch Lady: It's compliments of Xena. She said you two shouldn't fight anymore.

Hercules: She said that? That's so nice of her.

Lunch Lady: She said make sure you eat all of your almond covered vanilla ice cream.

Hercules: It's poisoned, isn't it?

Lunch Lady: I don't know. Taste it and find out.

Hercules sniffed at the ice cream. His face scrunched up in disgust.

Hercules: XENA! Its got rat poison it! She's trying to kill me!

Xena, from across the room, shot him an evil grin.

Xena: Did you see that Autolycus? I almost got him that time!

Autolycus: Yeah you almost nailed the big guy. (At her look) Well I know you nailed him before, but that was nailed in a different way! (Gulp) Sorry.

Draco: I'm going to raid your village! And-And kill your mother!

Xena: My mom can kick your ass.

Draco, knowing Xena's mom could probably kick his ass if she were so inclined, shut up.

Palemon: Autolycus, did you see Mr. Vidalis anywhere? I've been looking for him all over! I need a haircut!

Palemon looked at his hamburger with delight. He was so hungry. He bit into his small catsup package and accidentally opened it the wrong way. It squirted in all directions, but mostly into Xena's eyes.

Xena: I'm blind!! I'm blind! Does that catsup have sumac in it?

Mr. Vidalis: Oh hello, Xena. I've got just the thing for you. (Pours water into her eyes) All better!

Mr. Ares walked into the cafeteria. The droning that made up the students chatter (and at Xena's table, screams), suddenly went quiet. All the girls began to drool. All the guys wondered what the hell the girls were drooling for (except Mr. Vidalis and Palemon, they KNEW why the girls were drooling). His eyes roamed the room until they spotted his intended target, and he walked leisurely to it, to show off his firm bum that was incased in itchy, tight tweed teacher pants. What he wouldn't do for a pair of leather pants at the moment!

Mr. Ares: Xena, I need to talk to you for a minute.

Xena: I don't think so, Ares.

Mr. Ares: That's MR! MR. ARES!

Xena: Whatever.

Mr. Ares: Come with me right now or I'm giving you detention for a year.

Xena: Hey, I'm graduating this year, and I'm booked. NEXT!

Mr. Ares: (He caresses her face gently and she suddenly changes as she's looking at him. Her eyes glaze over) Now, Xena, you know you want to come to my class, now don't you?

Xena: Yes, I do.

Mr. Ares: Good girl.

Xena got up and blindly followed him to his classroom.

Palemon: Whoa, dude, did you see that? Mr. A like totally seduced Xena!

Autolycus: (Snort) Doesn't take much.

Gabrielle: Eponion, look, Xena's leaving the caf with Mr. Ares.

Eponion: Well he probably wants a nooner.

Gabrielle: What's a nooner?

Eponion: Never mind.

Once in Mr. Ares' class, Xena looked at him expectantly. What did the old loser want, anyway?

Mr. Ares: Xena, you know what I really want...

Xena: Yeah and I told you an "alpha" doesn't mean anything to me.

Mr. Ares: No, I want you to ride with me, be my warrior princess.

Xena: Warrior what? Oh please. If you don't mind I have a chili burger I want to get back to.

Mr. Ares: Think about it. No more detention, no more suspension. Just you and me. Why do you think I've been pretending to be a history teacher for all these years? BOR-ING!

Xena: Look, Ares, I'm not interested. Ask me again in a few years. K? I'm in the book.

Mr. Ares: (Rolls his eyes) XEeeee-NAH!

Xena made her way back to the CAF, picking her wedge along the way. Leather pants were the worst for wedgies.


Mrs. Smith: Today we're going to discuss what you do after the baby is born. (Holds a straw doll in her hands) (She hands it to Xena) Xena, what do you do with the baby once it's born?

Xena: (Picks it up)(Stares at it)(Hands it to Hercules) Take this doll.

Herc: I don't want it.

Xena: It's my doll, and the doll of Mrs. Smith. If the doll stays with me it'll become like me or its hay might start to fall out. So take it.

Mrs. Smith: Xena, you don't give the baby away. Delta, Xena, delta. One more delta and "Sparky" will take you off of the javelin team.

Xena: That bites! I was just trying to share!

Mrs. Smith: (Hands the doll to Hercules) Hercules, what will you do with this baby now that it's born?

Hercules: Well, Xena already gave me one. I don't think I'm man enough to take care of two. (Sobs) Besides Hera will probably kill them anyway.

Mrs. Smith: Callisto, what about you?

Callisto looked at the doll insanely. Then she took a flint and lit the doll on fire.


Gabrielle peeked her head into the classroom clutching her pass tightly to her. The pass gave her the power to join the class. She'd been after "Sparky" for an eon it seemed, just to join drama class. Well, actually it had been two weeks, but she was sick of having two study periods!

Mr. Vidalis: Okay now children, you know what to do. Hush. Hush now. BEHAVE!

The class became quiet.

Gabrielle: Excuse me, Mr. Vidalis? Hi, Um..

Gabrielle nervously handed Mr. Vidalis her pass.

Mr. Vidalis: Very well. You don't look much like an actress though. More like a cheerleader.

Gabrielle: Hey I can be an actress just fine!

Mr. Vidalis: Yes, and Cyclops' have two eyes, dear.

Hercules: Mr. Vidalis, when are we going to act?

Mr. Vidalis: Why right now you young talented boy, you!

Act 1: Herc saves Xena
Starring: Hercules, as Hercules.
Xena, as Xena.

Mr. Vidalis: ACTION!

Xena: I've got you now, Jerkules!

Mr. Vidalis: (Off stage) Xena, hon, don't change the words, okay?

Herc: Hello, She'smeana!

Mr. Vidalis: I said don't CHANGE THE WORDS!

Herc: We've been done this road before, remember? Last time you almost cost me a friendship.

Xena: This time, it'll cost you a life!

Xena's eyes lit up with what looked like real happiness as she said that. Herc was really starting to get worried.

Mr. Vidalis: CUT! What's the problem, Hercules? Is this your little, "Xena's out to kill me" thing? 'Cause if it is I'm sick of hearing it. She's just a defenseless little gal (Pinching Xena's cheeks) She couldn't hurt a fly!

Behind Mr. Vidalis' back Xena's was making "throat slitting" gestures.

Herc: You don't know her the way I know her!

Mr. Vidalis: I should hope not! I leave that department to Mr. Ares.

Xena: HEY!

Mr. Vidalis: And Draco, and you, and that guy with the foreign accent that picks her up in the chariot every day outside of school.

Xena: (Slightly insulted) Heeeey!

Callisto: Don't forget about me. Oops, sorry dear, just a slip of the tongue.

Xena: It's okay, it's an attractive tongue.

Iolaus: Whoa, subtext is maintext gals, cool it!

Callisto: (To Iolaus) Do you really want to try and make me?

Xena: I do!

Gabrielle: Hello people?! Let's cut the chitchat and get back to drama.

Mr. Vidalis: You're becoming much more likable Gabrielle.

Mr. Vidalis: Okay, in the next scene since Hercules is a wuss, we'll go with Xena and Iolaus in the hot tub. By the gods I don't know why you children felt the urge to write using yourselves as the characters.

Xena began to wash Iolaus' back.

Callisto: (Offstage) Xena, you do that well! You should hire yourself out part time as a backwasher....of course you'll call it backwashing, but we all will know what it really means.

Mr. Vidalis: Callisto, don't make me discuss your damaged hair in front of the class.

Callisto, insulted, remained quiet.

Xena: (Onstage) Oh, I can do much more for you than that, Iolaus. (Disrobes so she's wearing her yellow polka dot bikini, and gets in the tub with him) Much more.

Catcalls from the rest of the cast accompanied that. She gave them all "the look" The whistling stopped immediately.

Meanwhile...Mr. Ares didn't have a class...

The Furies, dressed in rags made from leftover janitor uniforms, were dancing on top of desks that had been pushed together to make something eerily reminiscent of a beauty pagent catwalk. Mr. Ares loosened his tie and watched the show, noticing that Alecto's rags have a nametag. "Art" is written in a small white box and was flying in the wind each time Alecto gyrated to the music supplied by the school band (who would remember none of this when they went back to their study periods).

Alecto danced, gyrated and had a seizure on her way to stuff her cleavage in Mr. Ares' face.

Mr. Ares: I called you here on business, Alecto.

Alecto: This is about that senior, Xena, again isn't it? You're obsessed with her.

Mr. Ares: Call it what you will. I think I made an excellent case against her. And I want a judgement, Art, um...Alecto. (Alecto nibbles his ear) NOW!

Alecto: Furies! (Picks up a mop and twirls it, watching the other Furies as they wash the writing off desks, not realizing it was time to judge..they're still gyrating with the music) Ares, god of war, has need of our judgement. You've all heard his complaint against the senior. How do you judge? (The first fury puts her squirt bottle upside down. The second one follows) It's unanimous. The Furies have found Xena guilty of all charges.

Mr.Ares: The sentence?

Alecto: What shall it be? Bad hair, or a bad reputation?

Mr.Ares: How about...bad hair...and a bad reputation?

Alecto: It's highly unusual to do both.

Mr.Ares: I'd be most appreciative.

Alecto: It shall be done. (Alecto gets back up on the runway made of desks) Hear me, gods and goddess'. Xena, the senior, has committed a terrible crime. She will be punished with bad hair and a bad reputation.

Mr.Ares: Cool!

*cut to Mr. Vidalis' drama class*

Iolaus: Do you do this for all your warriors?

Xena: Only special ones.

Iolaus: I hope there aren't too many of those.

*back to Mr. Ares' stripping good time*

Alecto: Oh, demons of the soul, over Xena's reason roll. Replace Xena's hair, with something that will scare! To Xena's rep, don't be kind. For every nasty secret we want you to find!

*cut back to Mr. Vidalis' drama class*

Xena: Right now there's (stops talking as she notices Iolaus is looking at her funny) What? Iolaus! What's wrong?

Iolaus: Uh..nothing, Xena.

Mr. Vidalis: Oh XEEENAH! What happened to your hair?

Xena's hair was parted down the middle and frozen into two pigtails. The pigtails were bleached "Callisto blonde" while the rest was still black as night.

Xena nervously touched her head.

Xena: AHHH! My social life will be ruined!

Callisto clapped her hands to her mouth and giggled like a lunatic.

The bell rang.


Xena walked down the hall trying to cover her head with a huge piece of parchment, but to no avail. Nothing hid her hideous hair. Everywhere she turned people were staring and making rude comments.

Perdicus: Hey, Xena, want to go make out behind the bleachers?

Xena: What? Are you f*cking nuts?

Perdicus: Come on, Xena, everyone knows what you're like.

Xena: (Goes warlord and starts beating on Perdicus) I hate you!

Perdicus: What for?

Xena: I'm not really sure, but I do.

Callisto: (Comes up from behind her) Do you want me to kill him?

Xena: Yeah, but I don't want you to have another year of detention Callisto. You are only a junior.

Callisto: Oh, and you don't think I'll be in detention anyway, is that it?

Xena: (Sighs) That's not what I meant and you know it.

Callisto: Look, when you slept with my father, beat up my sister and killed my cat, did I try to kill you?

Xena: Yes.

Callisto: Well you deserved it!

Xena: Your father was after me.

Callisto: My father gave you 100 dinars!

Xena: Shhh! I'm trying to get my reputation clean!


Cyrene, Xena's mother, had been called into school to have a meeting about her daughter.

Salmoneus: Now Cyrene, I don't really have a problem with your daughter.

Cyrene: Then why am I here? This is wasting valuable customer time at my

Salmoneus: Because everyone else has a problem with her.

Cyrene: Is this about her killing the gym teacher?

Salmoneus: No. I didn't realize she killed the gym teacher.

Cyrene: It was an accident. Can we finish this up, "Sparky"? I have a john in an hour.

Salmoneus: Don't-Call--ME--SPARKY!!! Anyway, I think she's having some sort of problem with Mr. Ares. She won't tell me, but I think he's trying to get her to sleep with him.

Cyrene: (Her mouth waters) Mr. Ares, eh? I wouldn't blame her if she did.

Salmoneus: That's disgusting!

Cyrene: Nonetheless, just what do you expect me to do with her? She's a problem child. Always has been since her brother died....

Salmoneus: She's in detention, let's go talk to her.


The kids crowded into the detention room. The regulars included Callisto, Xena, Draco, Autolycus and Perdicus. The oddballs were Gabrielle and Joxer.

Hades: Settle down, children. Xena, by the gods what happened to your hair?

Xena: I don't know. (Near tears) Can you fix it?

Hades: No. I'm sorry. It seems as though you've been cursed by the Furies.

Xena: No!

Hades: (Writes a message and puts it on a carrier pigeon) (Watches as it flies away) I just sent a message to Mr. Ares. I believe he had something to do with this.

Xena: (Sarcastically) Oh you don't say?

Callisto: I think it's quite a fashion statement dear.

Gabrielle sat down in front of the class. Turning around to look at everyone else, she notices that everyone else was sitting in the back. She quickly moved to the back of the class.

The class hushed up ten minutes later and was completely quiet save Xena sharpening her sword. The noise grated on everyone's ears, especially Hades, who was only there because Zeus made him. Zeus was sick of him letting mortals stay alive for a day or a month, simply because they did him a favor. Tartarus and Elysia didn't work like that. Either you were screwed or you were happy. One thing was for sure, if you were either, you were DEAD. Boy, did Hades learn his lesson with this assignment!

Hades: Do you think you could stop that?

Xena: No.

Hades: You know, when you die just who do you think you're going to see?

Xena: Does it matter?

Hades: I want you to stop. Stop it this instant or I'll sick Cerberus on you. You know "Sparky" would tell me I had every reason to.

Cerberus, in front of Hades desk, was drooling and wagging its tail in excitement. Each of the three heads looked in a different direction.

Xena: I don't care. I want you to take off your gloves. Does that mean you will?

Hades: (Looks flabbergasted) No.

Xena: Why? You got a wart?

Hades: (Smugly) I am god of the underworld. I don't have to answer that. And might I remind you young lady, I'm your teacher.

Xena: (Snicker) Then I don't have to put down my sword, now do I?

Hades: I can tell which side you're going on, sweetheart.

Xena stuck her tongue out at him. Cerberus looked as though he and his other two heads had seen a doggie treat. Xena quickly put her tongue back in her mouth. She was sarcastic, not stupid.

Perdicus: (Stands up in the now deathly quiet class) That's it! I can't take it anymore!

Gabrielle felt her heart patter.

Perdicus: I can't take all of the vandalism, the talking back to people and teachers I truly respect. I can't take the SMOKING in the boys room.

Hades: What's your point, Perdicus?

Perdicus: From this moment forth I will no longer be late for class. I won't write on desks, or steal from the lunch line.

Xena: Wuss.

Gabrielle: (In a squeaky girly cheerleader voice) Oh Purdy, let's go steady!

Perdicus: (Laughs) What?

Xena: You want to go steady with that wuss?

Gabrielle: What do you care what I do?

Xena: I don't. I'm just nosy.

Mr. Ares sauntered into the detention room holding a pigeon message.

Mr. Ares: (To Hades) You wanted me?

Hades: Technically, yes.

Ares stared at Xena looking at the fine job the Furies did for him. Xena coverd her head and shrieks.

Hades: Did you do that to Xena?

Mr. Ares: It's completely absurd to think that the history teacher has that much free time.

Hades: Come on, we all know you're the God of War. These kids are delinquent, not stupid.

Mr. Ares: Fine. I'm the god of war. You all knew that anyway. And you're all my favorites. (Looks at Gabrielle, Joxer, and Perdicus) Except for you three.

Perdicus: Screw this place. I'm going home. (Throws Xena a scroll) Xena baby, if you ever get sick of that foreign guy that picks you up after school...send me a scroll. Chow.

Xena: (To Ares) Change my hair back!

Ares: Sorry no can do. You must avenge the death of your pet parakeet...what was its name? Bloody Hell? So original Xena.

Xena: I loved Bloody Hell! Who killed him?

Ares: It was your mother!

Xena: Mom didn't kill Bloody Hell!

Hades: Let's get back to this whole bad hair/bad reputation thing...

Xena: Bad reputation?

Hades: Xena, darling, Ares has told everyone this side of Mt. Olympus about you two.

Xena: Bastard.

Ares: That's my charm!

Xena: You weren't supposed to tell.

Gabrielle: (To Xena) I thought you weren't interested in alpha's!

Xena: I lied. Anyway, where's my mom? Send a message to her and tell her to get over here.

Hades: Can't we deal with this after school?

Ares: Actually Xena, your mother is already here.

Xena: What?

Ares: She's talking to "Sparky" right now about us.

Cyrene entered the room and started to chase Xena around the desks. To say she was pissed off would have been an understatement!

Cyrene: Xena what do you think you were doing sleeping with Ares? Not that I blame you, but still!

Xena: No one was supposed to know. (Stops running) Did you kill my parakeet?

Cyrene: What happened to your hair?

Xena: Ares got jealous of--er that guy that picks me up every day after school.

Ares: What's his name? Burrito?

Xena: Borias.

Ares: Whatever.

Cyrene: Some guy picks you up after school?

Xena: Can we get back to the problem at hand?

Cyrene: What?

Xena: Why did you kill my parakeet?

Cyrene: Oh that dreaded thing. All it did all day long was whistle!

Xena: Well the Furies punished me for it. I have bad hair and a bad reputation.

Callisto: You've always had the rep!

Cyrene: (Looking at Callisto) Oh, Xena, isn't that the little girl whose father you slept with?

Xena: MOM!!

Cyrene: Anyway, where are the Furies?

The Furies appeared in a flash of blinding blue light that would make K-Mart weep with the beauty of it (then of course, stick clearance tags on their foreheads). They stared self-consciously at their janitor uniforms.

Alecto: Who killed the parakeet? (Ares points to Cyrene) And the avenging party?

Ares pointed at Xena.

Cyrene: This is stupid. I didn't even kill the stupid bird.

Ares: Yes you did! You did it in cold blood!

Cyrene: I did not. I know...It really was an annoying bird. But I didn't kill it. If I killed everything that annoyed me Xena wouldn't be here right now. (At Xena's look) Sorry. But Bloody Hell died a tragic death, choking on some budgie seed. Change her back.

The Furies' squirt bottles assumed the upright position. Xena's hair returned to normal.

Xena: Thanks mom!

Cyrene: Anyway, I've got to blow this joint.

Callisto: You're going to blow something, all right.

Xena: Sh*t, Callisto! Please, take your anger out on me, not my mother.

Callisto: By hurting your mother, I'm hurting you. Isn't that right?

Xena: Yes.

Callisto: Well there you have it, Xee-nah.

Xena: Bye mom. I won't be home till the sun rises, okay?

Cyrene: Be good honey. And save some of that hunk of man for your mother.(Waves at the class) Bye kids. (To Hades) I'll see you tonight, stud muffin.

Hades: (Seductive) Expect it to be Elysia, buttercup.(Clears his throat) I expect none of you to repeat that!

Alecto: (To Ares) The other Gods will hear about this betrayal of sacred trust. Also about how you're sleeping with Xena, but that's not really significant, I just want to gossip!

The Furies disappeared, deciding to mop a nearby floor. Damn but that thing was dusty!

Borias walked into the class, not bothering to knock.

Borias: Eye am here tu peek up Seena.

Xena: (Jumps up) BORY!!

She kissed him passionately, making Ares pout.

Ares: I'm outta here.

Ares left the class in a huff. He hated when Xena flaunted her other boyfriends in front of him!

They kissed some more.

Tried to break a world record of not having to take a breath.

They used the age old tongue action technique.

Xena broke the kiss and catched her breath.

Xena: I've gotta go. See you later Hades.

Hades: Detention isn't over yet!

Xena: What's your point?


Borias: Seena, dew ju vant to go out tonight?

Xena: Naturally. Did you think I was going out with you for some other reason?

Borias: No.

Borias and Xena were onboard Borias' brand new chariot. On the trail they stopped at a "Griffin/Minotaur/Deer Crossing" sign, next to another chariot. Borias looked over at the other chariot, which was sporting gold hubcaps and eight purebred stallions.

Borias: Seena, are ju thinking vhat I'm thinking?

Xena: I seriously doubt we're on the same wavelength, Borias.

Borias: Look at dat other chariot.

Xena: Cool!

Meanwhile in the other chariot:

Marcius: I don't think we should've stopped here, honey. Look at those two.

Cindel: Really. What a little whore that girl is! Do you see the way she's dressed? Leather pants!

Marcius: No, I was talking about the way they're looking at our chariot.

Cindel: I'm scared Marcius!

Back to Borias and Xena.

Xena: Come on Borias, let's do it. (Borias goes for his pants) Not that kind of do it. Gods...

Borias: Oops. Sorry.

Together they jumped out of their chariot and land onboard Cindel and Marcius chariot.

Borias: Dew ju two vant to die?

Cindel: What did you say? (To Marcius) Did you understand a word he said? I think he's speaking Persian!

Marcius: Oh, and what am I a translator? I mean, we are in the middle of a chariotjacking, Cindel, the least you could do is shut up and listen.

Cindel: And what, spoil this man's Greek lessons. (Looking at Borias) (Talking slowly) IT'S (pause) DO (pause) YOU (pause) WANT (pause) TO (pause) DIE? Now is that hard to say? I mean, if you come to this country the least you can do is learn our language, idiot.

Marcius: (Talking to himself) By the gods I don't know what I did to deserve this. I'm going to Tartarus in this very chariot, I know it. And my wife couldn't even keep her mouth shut. That's all I ask. He asked a question, just answer it. It's that simple. But no! We must change it into something extremely insulting to our chariotjackers, giving them all the more reason to slice our throats open!

Borias: Seena, dees es veird. Vhat are dey saying?

Xena: I don't know. But they're really close to dying. (To Marcius) Do you wanna die?

Marcius: Certainly not.

Xena: Then give up the chariot! (She kicks Marcius shin) This is a chariot jacking!

Marcius: OUCH!

Cindel: I think we've established this is a chariotjacking already, smart girl. (She looks at Xena with contempt, then turns to Marcius) Marcius, this is your fault. You simply had to have those gold hubcabs, didn't you? (Imitating Marcius) 'Well hon, we can't go around with bronze hubcaps, then we'd look like the peasants!' Are you HAPPY now, Marcius?! You're going to get us killed!

Borias: Shut oop.

Borias kicked Cindel in the butt, and threw her off the chariot. Xena jumped on to their chariot while Borias disposed of Marcius. At a fast speed they took off down the path until they reach Cyrene's Inn.

Xena: Thanks for the ride home, honey.

Borias: Eet ees not a problem. See ju tomorrow.

Xena: Ju betcha!


Gabrielle opened the door to her home, careful not to let it creak too much. Hecuba looked up startled, and stopped putting coffee into little bags.

Hecuba: Gah-brielle!

Gabrielle: Mom!

They hugged.

Gabrielle: I'm really sorry about doing henbane mom. I'll never do it again, I promise!

Herodotus: Good girl.

Lila: Dad, I got an alpha on my geometry test.

Herodotus: I'm sorry did you hear something?

Lila ran to her room to cry.

Hecuba: We're just so glad you're not like Ephiny..going off and doing centaurs.

Herodotus: Yeah that was our major concern. Now...start packing some coffee. This needs to be shipped to Columbia tomorrow.

Gabrielle: It's great to be home!


The next day Gabrielle was walking to school when she met up with Xena on the trail.

Gabrielle: Hey! Xena!

Xena: Yeah...

Gabrielle: Need some company?

Xena: Not really.

Gabrielle: Come on, please?

Xena: I guess. So do you like Perdicus?

Gabrielle: Aw..he's just a friend.

Xena: Good.

Gabrielle: Why's that good?

Xena: Oh no reason...

Lila: (From far away) Gabrielle!! Wait for me!!

Xena: Did you hear something?

Gabrielle: No. Nothing at all. So can I be your friend?

Xena: Sure as long as you don't tell anyone.

Gabrielle: Why not?

Xena: You want me to admit I'm friends with a freshman? I think not!

Gabrielle: Okay. It'll be our little secret.

Xena: Yep... secret friend.

The End

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