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Xena: THE THIEF OF SECRETS

or

CAPER, CAPER

by Ryan Dever

Continued: ..... We fade through various people at the wheel over two days until

SCENE 18

EXT. THE BOAT. DAY.

SALMONIUS
Land ho!

XENA
Make ready to come about.

Alexandria stretches across the horizon, a great city, the biggest any of them have ever seen. The arms of her harbor wall curl out to greet them and there, on an island, at the tip of the eastern wall stands the Pharos. Three hundred feet high it is the tallest functional building in the world. Its sides are exquisitely polished and sculpted marble in a three tiered stack. The base has four sides, the middle, eight and the top hundred and fifty feet is cylindrical, capped by a glass cage which, even in daylight is slightly brighter than the sky.

GABRIELLE
There's a couple of tow boats rowing out to meet us.

XENA
(to Autolycus) It's beautiful.

AUTOLYCUS
(to Xena) It's huge. I'm glad I don't have to break into it.

SALMONIUS
Lower the sail. They'll check our manifest and bring us in.

SCENE 19

EXT. THE BOAT. DAY.
COMPOSITE SHOT: Gabrielle and Autolycus stare in awe up the side of the Pharos as the boat is towed into the harbor. We get a really good sense of scale as Gabrielle climbs the mast more than thirty feet above the water and still cannot see the top. Its walls slide by monolithically taking up the whole background.

She looks to the deck, Salmonius is dealing with the port officials, Xena is at the wheel, but farther out to sea there appears to be trouble on another ship. The tow boats for it are hurriedly retreating. A man stands on the prow of one of the two smaller vessels and waves two flags. He apparently gets the attention of someone at the top of the Pharos and starts his semaphore. When he is finished something truly scary happens, no blinding flash of light, no warbling death ray sound effect just a shimmering column of heat which sweeps across the water and touches the other ship. Instantly its lighter materials (sails and clothing) burst into flame and soon the heavier ones follow as the heat ray mercilessly cooks the ship, and all its contents, to ash.

Xena, Gabrielle, Autolycus, and Salmonius are stunned. There is a perfunctory silence from the port officials then

PO#1
Your papers are in order. You will be given until three quarter sun tomorrow to complete your business which is stated as the sale of... (checks his papers) thirty urns of olives. Hmm, perhaps you could make me a deal on some I have many Greek and Thracian friends.

SALMONIUS
What-what happened to that ship?

PO#1
(instant suspicion) Can you not read semaphore? You're a sailor.

SALMONIUS
Merchant.

XENA
(to Sal) I read them, sir. They were carrying a plague.

SALMONIUS
Couldn't they be cured?

PO#1
At the risk of infecting the greatest city in the world? No. There's no cure better than death. Now, where are the documents which will act as your berthing fee.

SALMONIUS
Ah...

GABRIELLE
Right, here. (hands over her scroll case)

PO#1
(With disdain) Hmh, travel journals. Well, local customs and histories are always useful.

Autolycus covertly hands Gabrielle the case he stole from Dadelus.

GABRIELLE
.. and these too.

PO#1
Ah, technical plans. (to Sal) Now, here are the names of the people you must talk to for market space. (gives Sal a list) And you, young lady, must take these (the scrolls) to the library and have them fill out this form which must be returned to the harbor masters office by night fall. If any of you wish to sleep anywhere other than this ship you must make those arrangements yourself. Thank you, and good trading.

PO#1 exits with PO#2 who has done nothing but scribble math on a clipboard and count on his fingers all this time.

XENA
(to Autolycus) Now we know why they want you to steal it.

AUTOLYCUS
I'll say.

SALMONIUS
What? He's a thief ? Xena , could I have a word with you. (takes her aside) First, you don't tell me that people are dying around this guy and now I find out that he's supposed to steal that! How can he steal something that we can't even see the top of!?

XENA
Look on the bright side you're making a profit.

SALMONIUS
I could be loosing my life! I want to go home. Did you see what that thing just did?

AUTOLYCUS
Keep it down, man, you're attracting attention.

SALMONIUS
You... don't talk to me about attracting attention, people are trying to-

AUTOLYCUS
Hey! Remember, any profit you turn on this is coming out of my pocket.

SALMONIUS
What good is money if you're not around to spend it?

SCENE 20

INT. THE LIBRARY. DAY.
With the cameras balanced for the interior the light that spills through the door is a hot, dusty white. Gabrielle enters and goes to the desk. Her eyes are still adjusting to the comparative gloom.

ATOZ
How may I help you?

Gabrielle, who is looking about her, hands him the slip of paper.

ATOZ
Ah, books for duplication. I'm Mr. Atoz.

GABRIELLE
Gabrielle.

ATOZ
Follow me please.

They pass from the smaller front hall through double doors into a huge open space. It is three stories tall with balconies at each level, books cover every surface. There is a great deal of activity here.

GABRIELLE
Oh wow.

ATOZ
This is the catalogue and index room. Duey! (a young man comes over) Duey this is...

GABRIELLE
Gabrielle. (to Atoz) This is just an index? How do you keep track of it all?

ATOZ
Duey is much better at these things than I am. I'll leave you with him. (exits)

DUEY
You have books for duplication, Gabrielle? (he is obviously taken with her)

GABRIELLE
Yes. How do you find anything in here?

DUEY
Tell me what subjects your books are on and I'll show you. (she hands him the scrolls) Well, this is a travel journal. That would go in travel or one of the cultural sections. We have ten base categories, within those there are subcategories and within the subcategories it's alphabetical... more or less. If we left it to Mr. Atoz it'd be strictly alphabetical. Which is pretty ridiculous when you consider that a lot of the things we have don't even have titles.

During this they have crossed the index, Duey has sorted his keys and opened a door into a room with regular rows of shelves which seem to run to the vanishing point. They have climbed a spiral stair case and gone to a duplication room. The room is full of scribes and is well lit by windows and sky lights.

DUEY
This is where your travel journals will be copied. There are separate copy rooms for each section.

GABRIELLE
Oh, I have these too.

DUEY
(with new admiration) Did you design these?

If we look closely we might notice that these are plans for a hot air balloon. Da Vinci-esque.

GABRIELLE
No, they were given to me as part of the docking fee.

DUEY
We keep technical stuff like this in a special section. The Cryptic Vault, sounds imposing doesn't it?

SCENE 21

INT. LIBRARY. DAY.
Gabrielle and Duey stand in front of the Cryptic Vault as it's thick steel door swings open. They enter. Nothing but them touches the floor. The bookcases and tables hang from heavy chains that reach to the ceiling. Naturally there is a slight swing to things. A skylight provides light. We get the impression that Gabrielle isn't supposed to be here but Duey is hoping to make some points.

DUEY
This is where we keep all the secret stuff. City plans, aqua-ducts, weapons, armor, ships....

GABRIELLE
Your harbor, the light house...?

DUEY
Yeah. Even have plans for the library in here. It's completely secure. As you can see the floor is pressure sensitive and the skylight is covered by steel shutters after we close.

GABRIELLE
Pressure sensitive? How do they do that?

DUEY
Hydraulic. Feel how it shifts under our weight. There's a layer of water underneath. Any pressure and it sounds an alarm. I don't know exactly. It's a secret, of course.

Duey pauses in front of the door to the secure copying room.

DUEY
Uh... you're not supposed to be in here so-

GABRIELLE
(having gotten her look a lot easier than expected is completely understanding) Oh of course, I'll wait outside while you give those to the scribes. Wouldn't want to get you in trouble.

Gabrielle exits the vault and waits. Duey emerges.

DUEY
It will take a few hours to finish copying your books... (Gabrielle braces for the date question) I have duties to attend to but you are welcome to brows the library while you wait. There are reading rooms up front.

SEGUE: a number of shots of Gabrielle reading various books and loving it. The final shot is Gaby under a table with her back to its leg. We pedestal-up and a stack of books on the table dissolves into...

SCENE 22

EXT. STEPS OF THE LIBRARY. DAY.
...the steps of the library. Autolycus mills about amongst the columns at the top of the steps, Xena leans against a stone lion. The lion isn't in the traditional British style it's Hellenistic or Phoenician.

AUTOLYCUS
What's taking her so long?

XENA
Relax. There's a lot to copy.

IBN FADLAN
(off screen) Perhaps our thief is nervous because his life is at stake.

Autolycus instantly vanishes.

XENA
Who are you?

AUTOLYCUS
(apparently a disembodied voice) He's the one who 'hired' me.

Xena gets menacing and is about to take Ibn by the collars. Ibn Fadlan doesn't even flinch.

IBN FADLAN
I should like to apologize for the misguided attempt on your companion. The agent responsible has been corrected.

XENA
Corrected?

IBN FADLAN
With extreme prejudice. At the time we did not realize how well our thief had made his plans. After the fact of her being a bard came to light all made sense. There are many fine tea houses in this city and tea always makes conversation more civilized. Won't you join me.

SCENE 23

Establishing shot of Salmonius selling olives. Pan to

INT. TEA HOUSE OFF THE BAZAAR. DAY.
Xena, Autolycus and Ibn Fadlan are seated around a low table on cushions. Ibn Fadlan smokes a hookah as the tea service is laid before them. The bustle of the bazaar can be seen through the window behind them. Perhaps it isn't a window, to save money the tea room could be an awning off the side of a building with railings, a sort of patio-bar. Ibn Fadlan, ever the proper Arab, begins to serve the tea to his 'guests'.

AUTOLYCUS
Look, mac, I'm not interested tea. All I want is to do the job and get Tarterus between me and you as fast as I can.

XENA
(accepting the cup he offers) Thank you.

IBN FADLAN
You should be more like your friend, thief. She understands, she is content to wait.

AUTOLYCUS
It's not her life you threatened.

IBN FADLAN
Death comes to all who wait but is that what motivates you still? After seeing the prize and the obstacles is it not something else? One does not become the king of anything without a taste for what gets one there. Would you not agree Warrior Princess? I am sure you would not deny that war can be an unsightly business and that often the best way to avoid war is by the mutual respect of the adversaries.

XENA
Power needs its balances. Not enough to win, or, too much to lose.

IBN FADLAN
Precisely. Risk and sacrifice must be weighed against what one hopes to gain. But if one side should have undue advantage over the other foolish leaders could let such considerations fall to the dust. Bronze against stone inevitably wins, steel against bronze inevitably wins but that (points out the window to the top of the Pharos which can be seen over the buildings) is lightning against sticks and stones.

XENA
I don't know what's in that hookah, friend, but from where I sit that tower's a little big to be anything but defensive.

IBN FADLAN
What if it were not? What if the technology could be made portable?

AUTOLYCUS
What if! Who in Hades are you?

IBN FADLAN
A dealer in secrets. Who owes who. Who owns who. That tower is making certain... eastern interests very nervous.

XENA
And if we steal the plans they'd have the power too. A balance. Quid pro quo?

IBN FADLAN
Precisely. With the return of mutual threat, the return of mutual respect. I read a fascinating book from the library here. It's by a man named Sun Tze, in it he says "All battles are won and lost before ever they begin."

XENA
You would prefer that they don't begin.

IBN FADLAN
I like your friends, thief. You could learn much from them. (he leaves)

XENA
That could be the scariest man I have ever met.

AUTOLYCUS
Good, I thought it was just me he gave the willys to.

Gabrielle enters in an unusually good mood.

GABRIELLE
It's about time I found you guys.

XENA
You're looking chipper.

GABRIELLE
You should see all the books they have. (Autolycus opens his mouth to speak) Okay, found the vault, know its traps, got a way in... but you have to take me with you.

AUTOLYCUS
I'll be the judge of that.

The following speech becomes a VO segue to the next scene.

GABRIELLE (VO)
It's all measured off in my paces. From the front door to the index room is ten paces. The index itself is twenty-two paces plus two for the walls at either end. Stop, turn right, go eight paces, stop, left seventeen paces. Stop. Left again, twenty-six paces. Right twelve paces and you should see a sky light to your right.

SCENE 24

EXT. ROOF OF THE LIBRARY. NIGHT.
A grappling hook comes over the edge followed by Autolycus, Gabrielle, and Xena. Gabrielle lines herself up with the front of the building and marks off the paces as above. Her own VO narrates. The roof is dotted with skylights. When they get to the appropriate one it is covered with steel shutters.

AUTOLYCUS
Why didn't you just say, 'look for the only one with steel shutters'?

GABRIELLE
(covering not having thought of something so obvious) Well, there could have been others.

AUTOLYCUS
Yeah and if you put wheels on my grandmother she'd be a-

XENA
Shut up and pick the lock.

Autolycus looks at the lock. It's solid and shiny almost like a modern Dudley.

AUTOLYCUS
These guys are serious about their locks. So-

he puts a chisel on the hinge and pops the pin.

AUTOLYCUS
Simpletons.

working quickly he unputties the glass and removes the beading. The pane lifts easily out and a look of concern crosses Autolycus face. The pane is narrower than his shoulders but he's not saying anything. He gets Xena to help him rig a rope which he lowers into the room. He tries to enter but can't fit, removes all his equipment but still can't.

AUTOLYCUS
Aw, bull pucky!

XENA
What?

AUTOLYCUS
I can't fit.

XENA
You want me to try?

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, sure. If my shoulders can't fit you think yours' will?

both look at Gabrielle. CUT TO

SCENE 25

INT. CRYPTIC VAULT. NIGHT.
A shaft of blue moonlight off center in a black frame. A black line, the rope, hangs motionless in the light. Gabrielle spirals down it and stops. Her toe hooks a pre-tied loop and she removes something from her belt. Arching over backwards until horizontal she extends her arms. CLOSE-UP of the hand crossbow as it fires. CLOSE-UP of the dart sticking into a bookshelf with line attached. CLOSE-UP She ties the thin line to her belt then FULL SHOT pulls herself to the bookshelf which sways on its chains. She searches for the volume she wants, removes it and slides out to neutral.

She swings to a suspended desk and seats herself with the rope still attached to her foot. The plans are laid open on the desk. She produces a sheaf of papers and a roller. The handle of the roller she, uncaps, fills with an obviously strong smelling liquid, and closes again. Then she starts the process of duplication: a blank page is laid on a written page, the roller covers the sheet, wait a few seconds, peel away a mirrored copy of the document, repeat for next page.

AUTOLYCUS
Hurry it up.

All goes well until the last page, the one with the lens description on it, when she runs out of fluid half way through without realizing it. She returns the book to its place and climbs the rope. Part way up she feels a tug at her belt. The crossbow dart is still in the shelf.

AUTOLYCUS
C'mon.

she fiddles with the line

AUTOLYCUS
Just yank it!

she does and all eyes widen as the string breaks. The dart flings free of the shelf and starts a SLOW MOTION arc in the direction of the tug. As it flips end over end it is painfully obvious that it won't get as high as Gabrielle. REAL TIME CLOSE UP of Gabrielle's face dropping from frame. SLOW MOTION CLOSE UP of the dart falling. EXTREME CLOSE UP, EXTREME SLOW MOTION of the floor, the dart enters the shot, CLOSER STILL as its tip rotates to the floor, less than a centimeter to go and it stops. The tip of the dart just hangs there motionless. FULL SHOT OF THE ROOM, Gabrielle hangs upside-down, arms fully extended, with her feet crossed tight on the rope, the noc of the dart between thumb and forefinger.

SCENE 26

EXT. ROOF OF THE LIBRARY. NIGHT.
Gabrielle emerges from the skylight, dumps the rope and tosses the dart to Autolycus. Obviously enjoying herself.

GABRIELLE
No problem.(she picks up her stuff and heads to the edge of the roof.)

XENA
What did you do to her?

AUTOLYCUS
Nothing. Afraid your little sidekick enjoyed herself?

XENA
She's good, Autolycus.

AUTOLYCUS
(over ridden by Xena) not bad

XENA
She's the only person I've ever met that was innately good. I don't want that to change. (not so threatening) I need that not to change, Autolycus.

AUTOLYCUS
(smiles at the fact that she was actually straight with him) I know. Don't worry, I've seen it before. Some people are just good at certain things. Think about it, this is a library, if anything was going to tempt her, this was it.

XENA
A little better.

AUTOLYCUS
She didn't even steal anything. These are copies, the books are still there.

GABRIELLE (off screen)
Are you guys coming?

XENA
And it was in a good cause, keeping the peace... oh and saving your life of course.

AUTOLYCUS
Now you're getting the hang of it. It's called rationalization, a lot of us less driven types use it.

SCENE 27

INT. THE BOAT. DAY.
Xena and Autolycus have the plans spread out before them and each is using a mirror to read them.

AUTOLYCUS
Three languages, this is ridiculous. (reads on) Latin again. (hands it to Xena)

XENA
Lucifer.

AUTOLYCUS
Lucifer?

XENA
It's a mineral, phosphorous in Greek. When it's pure it has to be sealed in wax ingots because it spontaneously combusts on contact with air.

AUTOLYCUS
Lovely. I guess that's what they use to get the light so bright.

XENA
I'd hate to be on the receiving end of that thing.

AUTOLYCUS
Balance of power should work. I mean, nobody would be crazy enough to start a war when both sides have a thing like that.

XENA
Here we go, "Gearing, Focus and Aiming". They lower a series of special lenses into place that focus the beam. "...see page eighteen."

AUTOLYCUS
It's over here somewhere. (searches) Got it. (brings his mirror up, then stops) Wait a minute! Half of it's missing! Gabrielle!!

GABRIELLE
(crashed in the background looks up blearily) ...uh?...yes. What?

XENA
(intervening) Half of the last page is missing.

GABRIELLE
(still foggy) What?

Autolycus shows her the page.

GABRIELLE
Oh,... your gadget must have run out of fluid. So?

AUTOLYCUS
So it's the most important part, sweetheart. They're gonna kill my ass dead 'cause of this! Because of you!

GABRIELLE
Well....we ...uh

XENA
We'll just have to go back and get it.

SALMONIUS
(entering) Okay, all loaded, no thanks to you. Time to cast off.

AUTOLYCUS
We have to stay another night.

SALMONIUS
Oh no we don't. Dates a-spoiling.

AUTOLYCUS
Yes we do.

SALMONIUS
No we don't.

AUTOLYCUS
I bought this boat!

SALMONIUS
And it'll be nothing more than a pile of ash if we don't leave when they tell us to.

XENA
Salmonius is right... but I have a plan. (she has that look in her eyes.)


Continued....