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THE THIEF OF SECRETS
or
CAPER, CAPER
by Ryan Dever
SCENE 1
EXT. MEDITERRANEAN SEA. DAY.
The sun burns white hot as we pan down a cloudless sky to a heat shimmered horizon of saltwater. Smoldering debris floats in front of the camera. A body is wrapped about one of the timbers. There is splashing off screen and then a hook catches the timber. Sailors drag the also smoking and burned body to the deck of a dow (Arabian ship). The eyes flutter, he is alive. A Persian man, obviously in charge, parts the crowd and steps forward.
IBN FADLAN
Where is the fleet?! (takes the man by the soggy collar) The rest of the fleet! Where is it?
We see now that there is an almost perfect seam between the man's left side, which has 4th and 5th degree burns, and his right which is salty and sun blistered but not burned.
MAN
Pharos....
IBN FADLAN
What?!
The man falls dead to the deck.
SAILOR
Pharos, Ibn. It is Greek for light.
SCENE 2
INT. TENT. NIGHT.
It is a beautiful night and the tent is lavishly decorated. A slight breeze moves the fabric lending a ripple to the light. Autolycus gazes into the eyes of a luscious concubine. His hands, of course, are elsewhere.
FATIMA
Oh, your hands are so dexterous.
AUTOLYCUS
That's how I make my living.
FATIMA
(taking this to mean something along the lines of 'Hey I seduce bimbos like you all the time.') What!
AUTOLYCUS
Huh? Oh, I'm a... jeweler. Takes lots of patience. (Fatima's necklace vanishes from her neck. She does not notice.) And dexterity.
FATIMA
(giggles) I'm glad I was wrong about you.
AUTOLYCUS
(kissing her hands and biting the stones out of her rings as he goes.) What ever do you mean?
FATIMA
At first I thought you were just like my master. You would try to buy me as he has with all these trinkets.
AUTOLYCUS
Is that where you got them all. Speaking of your master when will he be back?
FATIMA
I don't know.
As Autolycus sucks the gem from her navel he sees a shadow on the front of the tent.
AUTOLYCUS
Too soon I fear. Fatima my sweetmeat, I must be going.
Autolycus points to the shadow. She looks, then back, Autolycus is gone.
FATIMA
Oh, phooey.
SCENE 3
EXT. BACK OF THE TENT. NIGHT.
Autolycus rises into the frame, brushes invisible dirt from himself and walks away looking like the cat that not only ate the canary but did it while granny was watching and then used her toothbrush. Shadows move along behind him. He cocks an eyebrow hearing them. The grappling hook drops from his sleeve to his hand. A figure clad entirely in black silk moves for him. The hook finds a tree limb and Autolycus is off.
AUTOLYCUS
Yo-dilay-hee... (the rope is severed and Autolycus lands on his back) ough!
A scimitar comes to rest on Autolycus neck. Throughout this scene we will never be sure how many men surround Autolycus. He looks disgusted with himself but quickly
AUTOLYCUS
Say, is that your concubine back there? Very nice. She was just telling me that a short, blond, guy with a huge scar on his face had taken all her jewels and well I was just going after him when I seemed to have had some equipment troubles you should never buy equipment from traveling salesmen, but I digress, as I was saying I was after the succulent young woman's accoster when I ran into you fellows and I think if we hurry-
When Ibn Fadlan speaks his tone is flat and measured, there is nothing menacing about it except the words. He never looses his temper.
IBN FADLAN
Be silent. You are Autolycus, the king of thieves. We have a task for you. (there is something distinctly royal about that 'we')
AUTOLYCUS
Hey, I don't know who you guys have been talking to but I'm no mercenary. At least not a cheep one anyway.
IBN FADLAN
Silence.... You will go to the library of Alexandria, there you will find and appropriate the secrets of the Pharos. They will be in the Cryptic Vault.
AUTOLYCUS
Cryptic Vault? The pharoes? (as in Egyptian kings) What kind of obscure grave robber do you think I am?
IBN FADLAN
Silence. 'Pharos' not 'pharoes'. It is the name of their light house. The Cryptic Vault is where the most secret information is kept.
AUTOLYCUS
So you want me to filch the files for the Pharos, eh? (tries to sit up but the scimitar keeps him there.) I could do that, for a reasonable fee. What are you offering?
IBN FADLAN
Your life.
AUTOLYCUS
Oh, very generous but I'm afraid I'm already in possession of that. (uncomfortable silence.) I mean, I could say I was going to do the job and then just disappear. You'd never find me.
IBN FADLAN
We already have.
AUTOLYCUS
Oh sure, with a trap. I mean what thief worth their salt wouldn't go for a dish like that. And she was nice looking to.
IBN FADLAN
No trap. We found you.
AUTOLYCUS
What!? You mean her old man's coming back! We gotta get out of here.
IBN FADLAN
He will not be returning. (this is a polite way of saying he is dead)
AUTOLYCUS
You're not leaving me many options here are you?
IBN FADLAN
Death.
AUTOLYCUS
Oh, yeah, that. Tell you what, I'll make you a deal. For the piddling some of ...oh... my life, I'll do the job for you.
IBN FADLAN
You are wiser than your face.
The indeterminate number of figures fade back into the shadows.
AUTOLYCUS
oh, hey yeah, thanks..... jeez you'd think they were born without mothers.
Brushes himself off again and turns to leave. Remembers that Fatima's master will not be returning and actually decides to return what he has stolen.
SCENE 4
INT. TENT. NIGHT.
Autolycus enters. Fatima is curled on her pillows. He crosses to her.
AUTOLYCUS
Fatima there is something I should -
He stops mid-sentence as her body, mostly bellow frame, rolls toward him. Autolycus raises his hand, there is blood on it.
SCENE 5
EXT. DADELUS' WORK SHOP. DAY.
In the yard outside the shop Dadelus is getting an assistant to test an odd looking stick with handlebars and a place to stand. The assistant falls over repeatedly.
DADELUS
No, no. Like this.
Dadelus takes the stick, gets on and begins to bounce. It's a 'Pogo-stick'.
DADELUS
Weee... I knew it would work!
We get Dadelus' POV as he bounces. A few assistants watching as the camera springs up and down.
ASSTANT#1
Can I try?
ASSTANT#2
No, I want to try.
A cloaked figure in the background yells into the shop.
AUTOLYCUS
Hey everybody look at this!
All the assistants rush out and soon it's a mess of "Woah cool!" "Me next!" "No me!"
SCENE 6
INT. DADELUS' WORK SHOP. DAY.
Autolycus walks in like he owns the place, goes to a rack of scrolls and runs his finger along the index.
AUTOLYCUS
C,D,E,F. Farming, no. Fishing, no. Fission? Ah, flying. They'll like that. Wings, ornithopters. Buttresses? Bubble. That ought to do it.
Goes to the appropriate slot and pulls the case, tucks it under his arm and starts to stroll out. An unseen worker appears from under a table, grease smudges his face. He is eighteen.
WORKER
Oh! I'm sorry, can I help you?
AUTOLYCUS
(fiddling with his mustache) Um well...
WORKER
You must be the merchant here about the new toy contract. Everyone should be out front I don't know how you could have missed them. I'll just call-
AUTOLYCUS
Oh that won't be necessary.
but it's to late the boy is on his way out. Suddenly he stiffens and falls back, Autolycus catches him. There is an arrow in his chest. Autolycus looks about frantically but sees no one. The boy coughs and Autolycus turns back to him. Immediately he begins shredding the boys shirt to use as packing on the wound. There is a note wrapped about the shaft which reads "We're watching", in Greek of course. Autolycus quickly wraps the wound and makes for the window.
AUTOLYCUS
Hey! HELP! HELP! This man is injured!
as soon as people come through the door Autolycus vanishes out the window.
SCENE 7
EXT. BEACH. DAY.
Xena is ridding along the waters edge practicing tricks with Argo. Gabrielle lies on her back watching a kite, the handle of which has been lazily stuffed under one leg. She has an unfinished scroll in one hand and an undipped quill in the other. Argo thunders past and Gabrielle turns to admire Xena's form as she springs from one side of her mount to the other. Autolycus appears far up the beach and Xena rides to meet him.
AUTOLYCUS
Oh thank the gods, I found you. You have to help me.
XENA
(From on high) I don't have to do anything, thief.
AUTOLYCUS
Look, babe, I saved your life once now here's your chance to return the favor.
XENA
Excuse me? (dismounts menacingly)
AUTOLYCUS
Someone's gonna kill me unless I do what they say.
XENA
And that would be returning what, exactly?
AUTOLYCUS
I didn't steal anything... yet. They want me to break into the library at Alexandria.
GABRIELLE
(entering) Really?
XENA
They want you to break into a library? I don't get it.
GABRIELLE
Not just any library, the grand repository at Alexandria.
XENA
They have some over due books they don't want to pay the fine on?
AUTOLYCUS
No, crazier then that, man. They want me to steal the plans for a lighthouse. And if I don't do it there gonna kill me.
SCENE 8
EXT. SAME BEACH. LATER.
they've obviously been talking a while.
AUTOLYCUS
...so then I figured, I need backup and you owe me one. I knew the kid (Gabrielle) would be able to figure out the library faster than I could.
GABRIELLE
Kid!? I'm the Queen of the Amazons.
AUTOLYCUS
Yeah and I'm the king of thieves, so what.
GABRIELLE
So if you want my help you'd better apologize.
AUTOLYCUS
All right already. I'm sorry you're a kid.
XENA
This is not productive. This Cryptic Vault?
AUTOLYCUS
Is in the library. I've done some checking and you can't get into the library unless you've got something they want to copy. That's where the... Gabrielle comes in. She can get in, find the vault and tell me what it looks like. Then all I have to do-
XENA
Is break in and steal the plans and you want me backing you up.
AUTOLYCUS
Something like that. Alexandria is well guarded but what I'm really worried about is the guys who want me to do this. They've killed at least two, possibly three people just to prove they could find me anytime they wanted.
XENA
Bodyguard to a thief's not very glamorous.
AUTOLYCUS
More glamorous than being a dead thief. And since when have you been a glamour girl?
XENA
We're going to need a way into the city, some cover. I think I know just the man for the job.
SCENE 9
EXT. THE MARKET AT NAXOS. DAY.
A close-up of a customers feet wearing squirrel bladder sandals. The feet shift from side to side making odd balloon squeak and fart noises. The feet stop, we hear money change hands then the feet bounce happily on their toes and walk away.
SALMONIUS
Another satisfied customer. (there is the sound of more people behind him) Salutations, and welcome to Sal's Squirrel Sandal Shoppe. How can I help you?
HURTICLIES
You can start by giving me back my money!
SALMONIUS
Hurticlies!?
HURTICLIES
Those swords you sold me fell apart when it rained. They were talcite.
SALMONIUS
They were for decorative use only. I can't-
HURTICLIES
Tell that to Throttleus. He lost three brothers that day.
Indeed, Throttleus does not look happy, nor do any of the dozen or so others.
SALMONIUS
Normally there's a no money back-
SCENE 10
EXT. THE MARKET AT NAXOS. DAY.
The market is packed with booths and signs. Ropes criss-cross the air dangling fabrics, fruit and what-have-you. Autolycus is talking to a tailor. The plans he stole from Dadelus are spread between them.
AUTOLYCUS
So you could have it cut by tonight but when could you have it sewn by?
Salmonius, totally flustered and out of breath, runs into Autolycus.
SALMONIUS
Help! You have to help me!
AUTOLYCUS
Hey, don't wrinkle the suit.
SALMONIUS
They're going to kill me!
AUTOLYCUS
I've had worse done to me. Take it like a man.
There is obviously no help here so Salmonius runs away. Autolycus is immediately buffeted and trampled by Hurticlies et.al.
AUTOLYCUS
Hey, watch the suit.
SCENE 11
EXT. THE MARKET AT NAXOS. DAY.
Gabrielle leans too casually against a wall, to her right is an open door which is swung out to the street. There is a rope tied to the door's handle. Her eyes slide left and Salmonius enters the shot robes a-flap, sandals making odd farting noises. He hurries past without seeing her. Hurticlies et.al. enter at full tilt, Gabrielle bumps the door closed with her hip. The rope rises and the pursuers sprawl over it. She stretches as though yawning and unknots another cord which covers them in blankets. She casually strolls away. CUT TO
SCENE 12
EXT. THE MARKET AT NAXOS. DAY.
A HIGH ANGLE SHOT, we are above the ropes of goods and following Salmonius with a TILT PAN as he runs towards us. We tilt down until Xena's shoulders fill the screen, side to side. She is only slightly lower than the camera. She ducks from the shot and we get quick cuts; Salmonius feet running, Xena's hand grabbing the front of his robes, Salmonius' screaming face, his feet leaving the ground and finally a two shot. Xena and Salmonius face to face, she dangles him by the collar as she balances on a rope ten feet over the market as though this were the sort of thing anybody might do two or three times before lunch.
SALMONIUS
Oh, Xena am I-
XENA
glad to see me? You keep selling inferior weapons and you're going to get all the wrong people mad at ya, Sally.
SALMONIUS
oh I don't do weapons anymore. Strictly health products.
XENA
Yeah right. C'mon that blanket trap's not going to hold them forever and we have to talk.
She hops to a nearby roof and sets Salmonius down.
SCENE 13
INT. SECOND FLOOR ROOM AT AN INN. DAY.
The room is empty.
XENA (VO)
Just hurry up and get in there.
Salmonius comes through the window followed by Xena.
SALMONIUS
This not a very dignified way for a man of my stature to enter a room.
XENA
Of your stature? You'd have to be standing on Olympus for snakes to look up to you. (Sal starts to protest) Or maybe you'd rather be whooping it up with your satisfied customers?
SALMONIUS
Point taken. But I don't do weapons anymore and that's exactly the reason why.
XENA
Yeah you said, health products.
SALMONIUS
Like this, a toothbrush. It's a real hot seller at the vomitoriums.
XENA
A what?
SALMONIUS
A brush for you're teeth. Give 'em a quick scrub after you eat and wha-la, no more parsley stuck in there. Keeps 'em nice and white and if you use a sprig of mint it freshens your breath.
Gabrielle has entered during this last.
XENA
(examines the toothbrush, then to Gabrielle) Hey.
GABRIELLE
You were long gone before they even got their heads out. They don't know where he is.
XENA
Good. (to Salmonius) This is a good idea, Salmonius. (turns away)
SALMONIUS
That'll be two denars.
XENA
I just saved your life.
With her back still to him Xena slides her breast dagger from its much coveted hiding place and drops the toothbrush in, then replaces the dagger.
XENA
I have a proposition for you. (Sal gets a lecherous smile) How would you like to go to Alexandria?
An odd look crosses Xena's face and she does a flex and swivel of her midriff to fix whatever the toothbrush is doing.
SALMONIUS
(lechery is immediately replaced by dollar signs) Really? You know there's a great trade I've been trying to get going. You by olives here sell them in Alexandria use the money to buy dates and sell the dates here. It's perfect, a win win trade. No mater how bad things get there's always money for delicacies. There's just one problem, it's impossible to get into Alexandria. They have this standing policy, the price to dock there is a book they don't already have. Have you seen their library? Where am I supposed to get a book they don't already have?
GABRIELLE
Here.(she places her scroll case on the table)
SALMONIUS
We'll need money of course. For olives and a boat.
XENA
No -(cut)
SCENE 14
EXT. THE SAME ROOM. LATER.
AUTOLYCUS
- problem?! What do you mean I have to buy a boat full of olives?
XENA
It's our cover. We go in as traders, the fee for berthing a boat is letting them copy a book. That gets Gabrielle into the library she tells you where to find what you're looking for and we just sail away. Hey, it's your life not mine.
AUTOLYCUS
With or without those little red things in the center?
SALMONIUS
Without. Hey, you're that guy I bumped into in the market.
AUTOLYCUS
What? Oh, ah, sorry about that I was busy.
SCENE 15
EXT. THE DOCKS AT NAXOS. NEXT DAY.
They board the ship with their gear. Autolycus has a new rather large back pack which Gabrielle finds all the more interesting because he won't let her get a good look at it.
AUTOLYCUS
So is that it? We're loaded?
SALMONIUS
I'd feel a lot better if we had a crew.
XENA
(casting off) No time and who could we trust. Look at it this way, you'll make a bigger profit.
Gabrielle takes the wheel as they raise the sails.
XENA
We'll take three hour shifts at the wheel to make sure we don't get too tired.
We CUT TO A CLOSE UP of the notches where string meets bow. As the string is drawn we hear the catgut whisper. CUT BACK TO: Xena pricks her ears just before we hear the 'Tie fighter' howl of an arrow. Slow motion of Xena moving on Gabrielle who is also reacting to the arrow, looking as if she might try to catch it actually. Back to real time as Xena's hand closes on the shaft.
XENA
Are you crazy?!
GABRIELLE
What?
XENA
You were gonna try and catch it weren't you?
GABRIELLE
You do it all the time.
XENA
I am not you.
GABRIELLE
Oh, how politic. What you really mean is "I'm not you"!
Both are distracted from what is obviously a futile argument as Xena discovers a note wrapped around the shaft.
XENA
(to Autolycus) We just got a note from your friends. They tried to pin it to Gabrielle.
AUTOLYCUS
Sorry about that.
GABRIELLE
Sorry? They've been knocking people off randomly around you and you didn't tell us?
AUTOLYCUS
I did. Maybe not in so many words but-
SALMONIUS
Excuse me, did you just say that people are being killed at random around this man?
XENA
You don't want to know.
SALMONIUS
Okay. (walks away and hides below decks)
AUTOLYCUS
I told you they were dangerous. What's the note say?
XENA
"You're taking too long."
GABRIELLE
(looking to the horizon) Not much we can do about that now.
SCENE 16
Establishing shot of Xena at the wheel, it's night.
INT. AUTOLYCUS' CABIN. NIGHT.
Gabrielle cracks the door, peaks in, sneaks in, closes the door and looks for that bulky pack. She finds it, opens it and pulls out silk, silk, and more silk. Apparently the whole thing is stuffed with one giant piece of silk, no ends and no corners. Amidst the rhythmic sounds of the ship there is a creak. Gabrielle looks for a place to hide. SHOT OVER GABRIELLE'S SHOULDER as the door opens, Autolycus is looking out to the deck.
AUTOLYCUS
Call me when it's my shift.
He enters and the room is apparently empty. A tense moment as Autolycus goes to the far side of the bed but she's not there. Then he sits on the trunk to take off his boots which he drops behind the trunk, but she's not there either. He stretches and then loses himself in thought as his fingers drum on the chest. The camera closes on his drumming fingers. Suddenly he stands, snaps the lid open and rifles through the trunk, which contains not even one small Gabrielle, and retrieves a mustache comb and hand mirror. As he quaffs his 'stache he walks about the cabin and then mysteriously begins to talk to the mirror.
AUTOLYCUS
If you want to be anything other than mediocre you should try suede boots, those leather ones creak slightly when your weight shifts.
THE CAMERA PEDESTALS DOWN while holding Autolycus' face in frame. The room parallaxes behind him until we see Gabrielle braced between the rafters.
AUTOLYCUS
And you might want to work on your breathing, it's a touch loud.
GABRIELLE
You try breathing quietly while you're doing this. (she drops to the floor light as a cat)
AUTOLYCUS
Oh, I do. On a regular basis. Everyday in every way Autolycus is getting better and better.
GABRIELLE
You are completely unbearable. (makes to leave)
AUTOLYCUS
Still, the ceiling as a hiding place shows promise. (she slows) It takes most thieves years to think of that.
GABRIELLE
I am not a thief.
AUTOLYCUS
Oh, right, you're a scholar. Spend all your time with your nose in books.
GABRIELLE
Information. Knowledge, is more valuable than anything you could ever steal.
AUTOLYCUS
Wanna bet? (produces her scroll case) Why did you come in here?
GABRIELLE
Give me that.
AUTOLYCUS
Ah! (places his hand on her forehead as she goes for the case which he holds out of reach) First you're going to tell me what happened to that ring you lifted off me after we stole that Ark thingy.
She puts him in a thumb lock and drops him.
GABRIELLE
Someone stole it from me in a bar in Thival. (takes her case and releases him) Before I could find it's rightful owner.
AUTOLYCUS
Uh,... and after all I went through to get it.
but Gabrielle is already gone.
AUTOLYCUS
Shame, thought she might actually keep it. (the ring not the pack)
SCENE 17
EXT. THE BOAT. NIGHT.
Xena is at the wheel, Gabrielle enters.
XENA
You two have fun?
GABRIELLE
Don't even go there.
We fade through various people at the wheel over two days until
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