Convert this page to Pilot DOC Format
(c) March 1999
Disclaimer: This parody is the fourth installment of an ongoing series. School Sucks, School Bites, School Blows, and then this one! You will probably enjoy this more if you read them in that order. If you start with this one, you might have no clue as to what's going on.
Subtext, hettext, elftext and bad parents can all be found in this parody. There's also a lot of drug use, naughty behavior and naughty words (though not *that* naughty, I'm not that horrible!). If this is something that will offend you, please don't read it.
Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and all characters associated with either show, are the property of Universal/MCA. No copyright infringement is intended. The parody is © to me. ME!
The events in this parody follow the episode "The Bitter Suite."
|School Sucks||School Bites||School Blows||School B.S.|
Gabrielle sat alone in Mr. Talmadeus' office. She was waiting for him to give her the time of day, but she didn't think it was ever going to happen. Glancing at the posters hanging on the wall, she couldn't believe what some of them said.
Henbane: Good for you. Bad for your parents!
Do you want to be an opium smoker for the rest of your life? (This one had a picture of Xena underneath it)
Help wanted at Cyrene's Inn. Girls with Syphilis or body lice need not apply.
Autolycus strolled in a moment later in an Amazon outfit, complete with fake breasts.
Autolycus: (Gives Gabrielle an odd look) What do you think I need to see the shrink for?
Gabrielle: Do you dress like an Amazon often?
Autolycus: It's a compulsive disorder...so yeah.
Gabrielle grabbed a nearby "Mz. Warlord" magazine, rolled it up and handed it to Autolycus.
Autolycus: What do you want me to do with this?
Gabrielle: Hit me.
Gabrielle: Hit me! Hit me with it!
Autolycus: Sounds kinky. Okay.
Meanwhile, in the hallway...
Ephiny took a drink of water from the bubbler and looked up at Joxer.
Ephiny: She's been in there for thirty minutes.
Joxer: She's hogging Mr. Talmadeus. The rest of us have problems too, you know?
Ephiny: I can't believe I'm even talking to you.
Joxer: What's that loud whacking noise?
Ephiny: Mr. Talmadeus is probably playing with his talgamite sword again.
Joxer: You're probably right.
Xena, standing on a snow bank that used to be white, but now was black, brown, and yellow, wailed loudly.
Hercules was driving in his chariot that Zeus, his guilt-ridden father, felt obliged to buy for him. Spotting a huge slush puddle beside the snow bank Xena was standing on, he grinned.
Hercules: (Yelling) Hey, Xe!
He drove the chariot straight through the giant puddle. It formed a small tidal wave and went up and over Xena, coating her completely in snowy goo drops. She was drenched.
Xena: (Screaming) I'm going to kill you, Hercules!
Hercules: I'm counting on it!
Now Xena would have enough emotional ammo to fuel her desire to kill him for a year. Herc was so excited!
Ares (Mr. Ares to everyone else but Xena) materialized beside her, smirking at her present condition.
Ares: Nice vocals. Hey, did you just get splashed?
Xena: Boy, you're swift.
Ares: By Hercules! Bwhaha. Oh come on, this isn't like you! Standing on a dirty snow bank wailing and waiting to get splashed. You're full of rage, and revenge.
Xena: Did I mention my bird is dead?
Ares: Embrace your dark side Xena. Go and do something naughty.
Xena: You're right. Can I have ten dinars to buy some opium?
Ares: (Looks in his godly wallet) Sorry, Discord wiped me out to go and buy some milk. I'm broke.
Xena: Figures. Well, I'm off to go and beat up Gabrielle.
Ares: Okay. Hey, wear some rings.
Xena: Good idea.
Ares: She's a wuss. You'll annihilate her.
Autolycus, still hitting Gabrielle, has no clue that she has started to hallucinate.
A hand, belonging to Callisto, reached out and smacked Gabrielle.
Gabrielle: You're not real. You're in my mind.
Callisto: It's kind of vacant in here. I thought I'd rent some space. By the way, Xena made us both. She shaped our lives, changed our fate, and killed our beloved pets.
Gabrielle: No. I killed hers. Bloody Hell 2 is dead because of my bird.
Callisto: Because of Xena you had a bird. Think about it, if you didn't know she had a parakeet before, would you have even asked for one on your birthday? If you didn't know she was going on that field trip to that place made up to look like Britannia, would you have gone? I think not!
Gabrielle: Maybe you're right.
Callisto: Of course I'm right. And you hate her for it, don't you?
Gabrielle: For what?
Callisto: For betraying you, failing you, becoming my best friend. You hate her, DON'T YOU?
Gabrielle: (Screams in the hallucination and in real life) MAAAAYBBE!! OOOOuch!
Callisto: Oh, cool! I didn't think I could get you to admit it!
Autolycus: (Stops hitting Gabrielle) Well if it hurt you should've told me to stop!
Xena ran past Ephiny and Joxer, and kicked in the door of Mr. Talmadeus' office.
Xena: I'm here to kick your ass!
Gabrielle: What did my ass ever do to you?
Xena: (Is momentarily stumped by the question) Does it matter? I'm still going to kick it.
Ephiny: I won't let you do it, Xena.
Xena: That's okay. I can kick yours, too.
Mr. Talmadeus finally woke up in the boy's bathroom and wondered where all the yelling he could hear was coming from. He made his way to his office, not noticing Joxer sprawled out, unconscious in front of the door.
Mr. Talmadeus: What's going on in here?
Xena's fist landed on Ephiny's arm.
Ephiny: Ow! My arm! (To Mr. Talmadeus) Xena's trying to kick Gabrielle's ass, Mr. T!
Xena circled Gabrielle like an eagle looking for its prey.
Xena: (About to hit Gabrielle) I'm going to nail ya, Gabby!
Mr. Talmadeus: Xena you hit her and you'll spend all of next week entirely with me playing "Self-Esteem Twister."
Xena dropped her hand and glared at Mr. Talmadeus.
Xena: (To Mr. Talmadeus) You know I hate "Self-Esteem Twister."
Mr. Talmadeus: I hope you girls can settle your agreement in a mature way. Now get the hell out of my office. You kids act like you have problems or something. Well, I'll tell you, you don't have problems until you're forty years old and wondering why in the hell you fell asleep on a chamber pot.
Mr. Talmadeus: Nothing, get out.
Gabrielle looked out the window of the Amazon. She was waiting for Xena to come and try to beat her up again. Although this time she wouldn't stand much of a chance. Surrounding their "Queen", or at the very least their, "Soon to be prom queen, so kiss ass now" friend, stood Eponin, Solari, Ephiny, and a few other lesser people.
Hercules: Don't worry, Gab. I won't let Xe hurt you.
Gabrielle: That has always bugged me you know.
Hercules: What bugged you?
Gabrielle: How she let you call her Xe, and I couldn't call her Na.
Hercules: Did you do her?
Everyone watched Gabrielle closely to gauge her reaction.
Gabrielle: (Angry) No. (Hiss) I liked Perdicus, remember?
The Amazons snickered at that.
Gabrielle: Shut up.
Ephiny: Perdicus, yeah right. (Elbows Eponin in the ribs) And I'm dating Phantes because I really like the way he swishes his tail.
Eponin: I know why you're dating Phantes. And personally, I find it just a tad disgusting.
Ephiny: Can I help it if I have a hoof fetish? Furk off, Eponin. That's the last time I gossip with you.
Eponin: Oh yeah? You know what I heard about Xena?
Ephiny: (Eager) What?
Eponin: Nothing. You are no longer gossiping with me.
Solari: (To Gab) I really want to be your body guard, Gabrielle. But the fact of it is, I have this huge crush on Xena, and I can't raise a hand to her.
Gabrielle: Come on, Solari!
Solari: (Whine) I can't. I'm sorry.
Gabrielle: Worthless friends!
Joxer: I'll save you, Gabrielle!
Gabrielle: Where'd you come from?
Joxer: I work here! Haven't you seen me? I've worked here for two years!
Gabrielle: (Shrug) Nope. Sorry.
Suddenly Xena's warcry could be heard throughout the small establishment. Looking out the window, Gabrielle spotted Xena, sitting on a huge black stallion.
The eager spectators crowded outdoors and stood in front of the building. The Amazons immediately stepped up to protect their friend.
Xena showed them all what she was holding. A small Greek Inn Keeper Madam Barbie Doll was in her hands. Its hair had been dyed to match the exact tone of Gabrielle's. It wore a small T-shirt instead of the peasant dress and apron that particular doll usually wore. The T-shirt read, "Hi, I'm Gabrielle. I'm a parakeet killer." Xena got off of the horse and stood in front of them. Ever so slowly she tore off each of the dolls arms. The Amazons visibly flinched as each plastic appendage was torn off and thrown into a nearby puddle.
Xena: What's that? Gabrielle lost her arms, you say? How unfortunate!
Iolaus: Xena, you've officially become crazy!
Xena: (Glares at Iolaus) Should I go get my kit and make an Iolaus doll?
Iolaus: (Gulp) No!
Solari: Whoa! Xena's in a warriorhaze!!
Eponin: A warriorhaze? What's that?
Eponin: It's when she's so angry everything becomes hazy. She's just really, really pissed!
Solari: Xena! Warriorhaze me, baby!
Eponin: Solari, you're scaring me.
Solari: Sorry, Ep.
Gabrielle: Who cares? I don't care about her being in a warriorhaze. That's her little name for stoned! I just want to know what this is about! Xena?
Xena: Just a point.
That said, Xena grabbed a nearby stick and shoved it through plastic Gabrielle's head. Its plastic face was now pinched in a permanent snarl. Then she went for the kill. Taking the plastic version of Gabrielle to a pile of dog doo, she stood her upright in the mess and left her there.
Solari: That was awful! Gab....Gab! She stuck you in dog doo, Gab!
Gabrielle: As if I wouldn't have noticed anyway, Solari!
Solari: Xena, you can stick me in dog doo! Can we go out and like, shoot some arrows or something? And then you can coat me in dog doo!
Xena: Solari, how many times must I tell you?
Solari: I know, I know...you hate me, don't make you hit me....blah blah.
Xena: Good girl. (To Gabrielle) Anyway, I think I've made my point. I never want to talk to you again. You were a horrible secret friend, a worse regular friend, and I know for a fact that you ripped up your chamber pot carpeting for a top to wear to the school dance.
The crowd collectively gasped.
Gabrielle: Oh yeah? Well...well...(Sob) I just don't have a come back...so you might as well leave now.
Xena glared at her, and left.
Cyrene's Inn (A.K.A. 'Da bordello):
Xena, curled up on her bed, wondered what she should do about Gabrielle. She really didn't want to have to play "Self-Esteem Twister" with Mr. Talmadeus. Who would? It was a day of, "I guess I have nice eyes." or, "Borias told me I looked magne-feces at the school dance. That made me feel a little nice." It was so boring. And usually made Xena feel worse about herself than she did before she played it. Of course, if he found out what she had done with her Innkeeper Madam Barbie she would be forced to play. She sighed loudly. Oh well, might as well get stoned, she thought. Digging in her secret stash, she located what she was looking for. Nothing like a little opium to help ease the pains of a horrible day.
Xena lit her hookah and took a toke.
A knock on her door startled her.
Meg: (Nervous) Xena? Your not like, doin' opium again, are ya?
Xena: Go away, Meg. I'm busy.
Meg: But your mother said to come up to your room. (Whispering) I've got a john.
Xena: This is my furkin room. Go do your naughty stuff somewhere else!
Meg: Okay, Xena. Cyrene's gonna be mad, but that's fine with me!
Gods, would the hooking never stop? Xena wondered, taking another toke. The room became slightly hazy. Blaming it on the smoke, Xena never realized that she was right about to pass out.
Callisto: Absorb thyself in this great sea of the booze of life. Dive deep in it, until thou has lost thyself. And having lost thyself, then thou shalt find thyself hugging a chamber pot and having a headache the next morn'. Even as it is written, she found her dwelling in the great mead, as in an alcoholic therein. Aleph, am I. For my unfathomable will the hangover hath its beginning. In my boundless supply of henbane are the types and patterns of all things.
Xena, floating in what looked like water, dived underneath it and took a huge sip. It was mead! She was floating in mead! Gods, she must be in Elysia!
Callisto: Xena! (Pulling on Xena's arm) Xena! Come on, you have to get out of the mead!
Xena: Why? Callisto, come in and get smashed!
Callisto: (Whine) I can't! I rented this costume! Get out, now!
Xena finally noticed that Callisto was dressed in a rejected Senticles' Helper costume. Reluctantly she got out of the mead.
Xena: Hey! I'm naked!
Callisto: (Grin) I know. Quick, pretend you're asleep.
Xena closed her eyes. Callisto leaned in and kissed her passionately.
Xena: Whoa! What gives?!
Callisto: It's all about symbolism, dear. Besides, M'lila bet me five dinars that you'd let me do it.
Xena: Damn that M'lila.
Callisto stared at Xena. She realized she was supposed to be doing something. Oh yeah, singing.
Glad that you're feeling strong
Thought I might lose ya
Don't use words sing a song
(Looks at her outfit) Made in Malaysia?
Oops, I mean, this is Hallusia!
Xena: (Holding her head) Please don't sing!
Callisto: Fine. Did I ever tell you that you are a very bad girl?
Xena: What are you my mother?
Callisto: No..it's just, I mean, you did sleep with my father.
Small dog: She slept with your father? Eeew! I wouldn't be her friend.
Xena looked in awe at the tiny dog that just talked.
Xena: Who in Tartarus asked for your opinion?
Small dog: This is hallusia. I can state my opinion anywhere! So bite me!
Xena: (Whispering) Callisto, I think that dog is stoned.
Statue: Don't talk about the dog like that. You said that as if she wasn't even in the room with us.
Xena: AHHHH!!! I want to go home.
Callisto: You can't go home just yet. You have issues. You need to come to terms with your friendship with Gabrielle.
Xena: Is Gabrielle in Hallusia?
Callisto: (Sigh) I knew you liked her more than me. If you want to know if Gabrielle is here yet or not, you need to recite a poem to me.
Xena: I can do poetry. Sure.
A campfire glowed dark in the night
It grabbed a small bird who put up a fight
A day later in its cage it laid an egg
At the same time your father was doing Meg
Callisto: You're trying to get me riled and this isn't even real!
Xena: Where's Gabrielle?
Callisto: I don't know, I was lying.
BACK AT GAB'S HOUSE:
Gabrielle was infuriated. There was nothing worse than having a doll version of yourself stood upright in dog doodie. She took her nutbread off of the fire and sat down at the kitchen table. Tearing off a still steaming chunk of bread, she bit into it heartily.
Hecuba walked in, wondering what that delicious smell was.
Hecuba: Gah-brielle, what are you doing?
Gabrielle: Eating nutbread mom.
Hecuba: I thought your father and I told you not to eat that stuff.
Gabrielle: It doesn't have any henbane in it.
Gabrielle: Of course. I wouldn't do that sort of thing. (Crosses her fingers behind her back) Dad should have some, too.
Hecuba: Ooooh Herodotus, come and have some nutbread.
Herodotus: Be there in un momento, dearest.
Gabrielle: You two are making me sick.
Hecuba: What was that?
Gabrielle: I said Xena stuck a doll version of me in some dog sh*t.
Hecuba: Don't use that language young lady. You almost made me choke on this nutbread. Which tastes delicious by the way.
Hecuba: Maybe we should give some of this to that girl who's always here. What's her name? Lyla? Lilnius?
Hecuba: Yeah, that's it.
Gabrielle: Why not? Lila! Get over here and get yourself some nutbread, fruitcake!
Lila: Don't call me names Gabrielle.
Gabrielle: I'll call you whatever you want. And you WILL like it.
Lila: Okay, whatever. (Takes a bite of nutbread) Mmm, this is great!
Herodotus strolled in, took a seat, and bit into some nutbread.
Herodotus: This is quite good.
Gabrielle: I thought it came out nice. The bread rose nicely.
Lila: I didn't know you could cook.
Gabrielle: Why are you talking to me?
Lila: Sheesh, never mind.
A half an hour later:
Herodotus: So then, the donkey says to the horse, "Yeah, get a load of this one." and the horse says....
Hecuba: (Excited) What does it say? What?!!
Herodotus: It says...I can't remember. Bwhahaahahah!
Hecuba: You know what, Herodotus?
Hecuba: (Wistfully) Sometimes I wonder why we had Lyla.
Lila: It's Lila.
Hecuba: Whatever. Sometimes I wonder why we had her.
Herodotus: Why, it was to entertain Gabrielle of course.
Hecuba: (Laughs) You're right. Well, that and we did need the extra help for our illegal coffee business.
Herodotus: What was our motto, dear?
Hecuba: Let's get down and make some more hands to pack the grounds!
They laughed together while Lila's eyes teared up.
Lila: You two are awful parents. Anyone told you that lately?
Herodotus: (Surprised) My gods, child. I had no idea you could talk.
Gabrielle: I'm really tired. I'm going to bed.
Lila: Gab, the little elf over there (Points to nothing) wants to know if you're sure there was no henbane in this nutbread.
Gabrielle: Tell your little elf friend that I swear by the gods I didn't drug you guys.
Lila: The elf said he wants to take you to prom.
Gabrielle: (Eyes narrow) Tell the elf I said no!
Lila: The elf wants to know why you're being a stuck up bitch.
Gabrielle: (Angry) It said that?
Lila: No, (Sob) the elf is mad at me 'cause I put words in his mouth.
Gabrielle: Serves you right. Besides, (Gab points to another invisible elf) I'm taking this elf to the prom, right after I beat up this tree (points to invisible tree). Tell your elf I said sorry.
Lila: He said okay, he guesses he'll take me. I'm a last resort. (Sniffle) Damn elves!
Gabrielle went to her room and shut the door on her drugged family. Finally, silence at last. Closing her eyes, she fell into a deep drug-induced sleep.
Callisto: (Voice over) Changeless this great deep of elemental stardom remaineth forever pure. Because of this it possesseth the quality of instability and diva-ism. From low budget movies do all big stars have their beginning.
Gabrielle: All right, where the hell am I? Why am I not in my room lulled into a great deep drug-induced sleep like I had hoped? What the hell?
A white, gold plated, six horse stretch chariot pulled up in front of her. Joxer gallantly stepped from the chariot to the checkered floor. He looked different. Wearing a tux, with his hair slicked back, Joxer looked like every girls "Seventeen Winters" Magazine dream date! Gabrielle began to drool.
Joxer handed Gabrielle a bottle of fine wine, then placed a red rose in her hair.
Gabrielle: What gives?
Joxer: (Sexily) Excuse me?
Gabrielle: You're just..groovy.
Joxer: I know.
Gabrielle: Where am I? And how come I'm naked?
Joxer: You're in Hallusiawood. I'm going to make you into a star, baby.
The soft sound of music could be heard from an acoustic guitar that had suddenly appeared in Joxer's hands.
Joxer, the mighty
Here to guide you on your way
Stick with me you'll have it made
Joxer, in the middle of his song, dressed Gabrielle in a brand new Calvin Kleinius dress. Liking how the dress looked, he then handed her a diamond studded hand bag. Placing cool Armanius shades on her face, he smiled at what he had created--A diva!
(Singing) If you're in a land that's new
I'll make sure you don't get booed
(Giggle) My advice to you? Stay slightly nude!
I'm Joxer! Joxer the mighty.
WAR AND PEACE:
Small dog: Callisto, let's bring her to the (whispers)...
Callisto: Good idea. Come on, Xena.
Xena: Where are we going?
Callisto: You'll see.
A dark mysterious castle loomed in front of them. The small dog barked and barked. Finally, it gave up and yelled, "Open the furking doors, ya bunch of jerks!" The doors opened.
Callisto roughly pushed Xena inside.
Xena, looking around, noticed the place looked quite familiar.
Xena: Oh man, all of this and I'm back in the football field?
Walking through the field, she was surrounded by football players.
Football Players: (Singing)
Praise the winds of chance that blew
Xena's back where jocks are dudes
We would tackle and flex for you, brave Xena
When your mighty pom pom shook
We couldn't help but look
Callisto: You were a cheerleader?
Xena: Freshman year. Shut up, it's not funny.
Football Players: (Still singing)
You're feared and adored
Around you no one's bored
You've not lived until you scored, with Xena!
You're the warrior princess
Who's a drug addict it's true
Vhen you don't smoke jour opium
Ju get very blue
With one look you can freak us out
Make us angry and cause a bout!
Xena's home! Oh no! Xena's home.
Callisto: This is neat! It's like a pep rally just for you, Xena.
GAB'S FAMILY? STILL STONED:
Hecuba: I think Gab's dead. What do you think, Herodotus?
Herodotus: I think that means we lose business!
Hecuba: (Sarcastic) Damn ingrate would die on us right during the busiest time of coffee exporting.
Herodotus: She sucks. Let's kiss Lynda's ass.
Lila: It's LILA!
Herodotus: Okay. Whatever you want to be called, Lynda, is your business.
Hecuba: Say, Lynd-um, Lila, would you like some more nutbread?
Lila: No. I wouldn't want anything from you people.
Herodotus: She's funny, Hecuba. Can we keep her?
Hecuba: I think she's already ours, hon. I'm pretty sure we already keep her.
Lila: Shouldn't someone go and check if Gab is dead?
Herodotus: Go ahead. We'll just sit here.
Lila: (Angry) Fine, the elves and I are leaving. Catch you guys later.
Hecuba: Bye now, whoever you are.
Lila left angrily, her two invisible elf friends in tow.
Herodotus: Honey, do you think we've given Lila a complex yet?
Herodotus: (Determined) Then we must try HARDER!
Hecuba: For the sake of the COFFEE!
Herodotus: (Chews on another piece of nutbread) FOR COFFEE!!!!
Joxer, reaching his red carpet destination, helped Gabrielle from her seat in his chariot. Noticing the villagers lined up for autographs and pictures, he smiled and danced with her to the beginning of the carpet. Then he twirled her and let her go. Flashes from cameras blinded her. She grinned.
O'er bridge of tears
She's crossed and she's paid a fearful cost
Her privacy is lost, Gah-brielle
Now the fame has set her free
And she's traveled home to be
With peasants like you and me, Gah-brielle
You've been plucked out from the heart of our lives for so long
Hower: (Singing to a reporter from the Star Globius tabloid)
I caught her with Xena smoking pot from a bong
For like, what ails like your totally gnarly panacea
Try like the bitchin' drug store, not Poteidia
Go away, Gah-brielle, go away!
Gabrielle: That's a rather mean song. Jerks. Never did like Poteidia anyway.
Producers, directors and caterers
have made their mark on you
Leave their cheesy evil in the dust
If your parakeet had lived
we'd surely make her welcome, too
The villagers continued to take pictures of Gabrielle. One eager villager jumped the guard rail and yelled, "Please sign my peasant buttock! PLEASE GAH-BRIELLE!" A fast guard clubbed the over zealous fan into submission.
The guard tipped his hat in greeting.
Guard: Sorry about that, Gah-brielle.
Gabrielle: Um, no problem. (Looks around) Aren't you all supposed to be singing?
Unknown Villager: Shut up and stand there looking pretty, starlet!
Ares looked at Xena expectantly. Handing her a jump rope, he pushed her toward an invisible barrier.
Ares: Go on and kill Gabrielle.
Xena: Mmmmnnnokay. (Indecisive) Well, I'm not too sure I want to kill her just yet.
Ares: Why not?
Xena: It was just a ten dinar parakeet, you know, it wasn't as if it was my kid or anything.
Ares: But you loved your parakeet, right?
Ares: Then kill her.
Xena: It'll take more than that from you, Ares.
Ares: Fine, I'll give you ten more pairs of leather pants and enough opium to last a month.
Xena: DEAL! But with a jump rope?
Ares shrugged and pushed her toward the invisible barrier.
Lila placed a scythe in Gabrielle's hands.
Lila: You have to kill Xena.
Lila: Take her out, knock her off, do what I dreamed of doing to you and the parents every night.
Gabrielle: You're an angry person. I can only imagine your karma.
Lila: Who cares about my karma? We won't have to worry about that when I'm dancing on all of your graves! Bwhahaha.
Ephiny: Gab, are you sure you want to do this?
Gabrielle: Not really.
Lila: It'll get you on the Lettermanian show. You'll get the cover of Cosomosis!
Gabrielle: Yep, Eph, I'm sure. I mean, she's best friends with her own personal stalker!
Ephiny: Yes, but she was your secret friend first.
Gabrielle: Ah, so what.
Solari: (Appears from nowhere) Haha! I will fight you to the death and join my detention queen in eternal love and insubordination. Maybe we'll even get a goldfish together!
Gabrielle: Solari, get out of my way.
Gabrielle: If you don't get out of my way, I'm going to cut you in half with my trusty scythe then sew you up and do it again.
Solari: Um, I'm moving, sheesh, no..don't point that thing at me Gabrielle! Don't hurt me! EEEK!!!
Gabrielle: That was the toughest fight to the death yet.
Solari: What can I say? I'm a huge wuss.
Ephiny: We all knew that already.
Lila yanked on Gabrielle's hair, then pushed her through the invisible barrier. Xena and Gabrielle were facing each other. Each looking determined. Xena swung the jump rope around her head with evil in her eyes.
Gabrielle: What do you think you're going to do with a jump rope?
Xena: Tie you around the ankles and drag you all around the football field.
Gabrielle: I'm hurt, truly. I've got a scythe!
Xena, seeming to realize she had a sucky weapon, looked around her to find something useful. Spotting a large branch, she grabbed it. Swinging it around in an arc, she whacked Gabrielle over the head with it.
Gabrielle went down for the count.
Joxer, dressed now as a grim referee, walked over to Gabrielle.
Joxer: (Softly) One, two, three, four, five, six (Pause), seven, eight, nine, ten. That's a K.O. (A bell rings) (Holds up Xena's arm) The winner, with a knock-out, Xena!
Xena looked down at her outfit. What was once a nice outfit of dead cow and old sheep hair was now daisy dukes and an ugly pink and green neon tube top. Her hair was short and five different colors. That's when she noticed Ares. He was dressed in dirty overalls and his mouth was full of chewing tobacco.
Yer lost and khan-fused (Spit)
But I unner-stand. This once beeeeeloved fraynd has bin
knocked out by a branch (Spit)
Ya feel all alone, betrayed and adrift
It could be worse, yer head could be stuck in my pit
Xena stared at his armpits, which didn't look too appealing at the moment. He was right, it could be worse.
Ares: (Chew and spit) Are we gonna dance, darlin'?
Xena: You smell.
Ares: Purdy please?
Xena: I guess.
Now I'll be yer rock, yer strength and support
Yer close confidant--don't tell yer mom or she'll take me to court!!!
I know ya completely
Come melt into me
Unleash the power or yer body's flexibility
Ares: Never knew I had that word in my vocab-U-larah!
Ya have proved to yerself now that
ya knocked out that chick
That yer just like me
All twisted and sick
Our forces are meant to be merged into one
Between the sheets we'll have lots of fun
Let the music of war, with its lustful refrain (Spit)
Play so damn much it makes ya insane
Imagine how awesome
Together we'd be
So feel what I'm a' feelin'
Come melt into me!
Cyrene: Git yer hands off my spawn!
Ares: I was uh just a'dancin' Cyrene.
Cyrene: Gud. 'Cause no one gits laid without a two dinar securitay dee-posit!
Callisto: Xena, I thought my parents were weird.
Xena: Ares isn't my dad.
Callisto: I should hope not, sicko. Hey, did it feel good to whack Gab?
Callisto: Can I do it?
Xena: She's unconscious, she won't be able to feel it.
Callisto: Can I do it anyway?
Callisto picked up the hefty branch, and hit Gabrielle repeatedly with it. Finally, Xena tried to grab the branch away from her.
Callisto: Stop it! Let go! All of your anger will poison you!
Xena: No it won't.
Ares: Stop it! She's unconscious you nitwits!
Gabrielle: (Wakes up) Ouch, it felt like someone hit me with a giant branch.
Xena: I would never do that. Callisto did it. (Lets go of the branch) See, it's in Callisto's hands!
Callisto: Oooh, she's trying to frame me!
Gabrielle: (Points accusingly at Xena) You did it. (Whispers) You knocked me unconscious.
Xena: (Guilty) No. No...none of this is real. Joxer being a stud, Ares a loser...well that's real, but still. It's not as if it's actually happening.
Gabrielle: (Angry) You hit me.
Xena: Oh so what! You would've knocked me off with that scythe.
Gabrielle: At least I wouldn't have hit you.
Xena: What's that big thing floating in the sky?
Gabrielle: It looks like a giant dinar!
Xena: Hmm, I think it's us.
Gabrielle: Don't be ridiculous, we don't look like giant dinars!
Xena: You mean I don't look like a giant dinar.
Gabrielle: Are you trying to insinuate something?
Xena: Shut up.
Cyrene: Ya can git laid for two months wit that!
The future warlord and future bard got sucked up through the giant dinar. With a lightning flash they were suddenly in what was once Mr. K's class.
Echo: Whoooa whoooa whooooa.
Xena: That's annoying.
Echo: Annoying annnooooyyiiiiing.
Echo: Shhhhh hhhh hhhh.
Xena: Shhhhh! It's around the corner.
Echo: Shhhhhitsaroundthecorner orner orner ner ner.
Echo: Hahahah ahahahahahaha.
Xena: Stop laughing at me. It's not funny.
Echo: Unny unny unny ny.
Xena: Turn off the echo!
The echo mysteriously disappeared.
Xena: (Sighs) All about us.
Gabrielle: This is your fault.
Xena: Oh please. Who's the parakeet killer here? (Whisper) You.
Gabrielle: If you hadn't taken me on the camping trip none of this ever would've happened.
Xena: I didn't even know you were on the camping trip.
Gabrielle: Oh yeah.
My head is hurting beyond words
All that mead has taken its toll
I thought drugs would make me fly
My wings propelled out of control
My problems lie naked to the world
My drug addiction exposed
All my dinars spent on a meal
Better than working as Meg, I suppose
Gabrielle morphed into a chipmunk, and began to sing.
Gabrielle: (In Shrill voice)
My head is hurting beyond words
At Solstice I know I'm getting coal
Please tell me how can I leave
The pain and suffering of this role
Because of you this happened
Because you had to go and be with a man
It's you who should feel guilty because of you my bird is dead. What about a man?!
If only you had never brought me there.
If only you had left that can of RAID at home!
It's you who should be blamed!
You only did it for the fame!
Gabrielle: It's your fault!
Gabrielle: How could you?
Xena: Very easily.
The giant dinar returned. They both stared up at it in awe.
Gabrielle: It's Dahak!
Xena: Dahak's a giant dinar?
Gabrielle: Ooh, I don't want to go in there. It's pulling us in!
Xena: No, it's pulling you in.
Gabrielle: Save me!
Xena: I'd rather not. (Watches as Gabrielle is pulled in) Oh, fine. I'll save you.
Hecuba: I'm going to check on Gah-brielle now.
Herodotus: What, and leave my wondrous speech about the donkey? I was going to tell you another joke, Hecuba. I'm shocked. Truly shocked, that you would leave my ramblings to check on our ingrate daughter!
Hecuba: You're boring me.
Hecuba opened the door to Gabrielle's room and walked inside.
Hecuba: Gah-brielle? AHH! Herodotus!! Gabrielle's dead!
Herodotus ran to Gabrielle's room.
Herodotus: No, she's just unconscious. She must've overdosed.
Hecuba: On what?
Herodotus: Can't you see, silly woman? She drugged us!
Hecuba: Ooh. She's so grounded if she survives this.
Herodotus: I'm with ya!
Hecuba: Well, let's cart her to the blacksmiths then.
Herodotus: (Sarcastic) For what? So she can get shod?
Hecuba: Well I don't see you coming up with any ideas.
Herodotus: Let's take her to Cyrene's Inn.
Hecuba: You act as if I don't know it's a whore house, Herodotus.
Herodotus: You mean the secret is out?!
Hecuba: I didn't want to tell you this, Herodotus, but since we're both stoned I figure it's all right. I'm in love with Cyrene.
Herodotus: (Sniffle) You're going to leave me?
Hecuba: Well not right this instant.
Herodotus: When then?
Hecuba: I wasn't planning to until I killed you with my trusty coffee grinder, then took over the business. I'm sorry, Herodotus!
Herodotus: Oh well. I knew something fishy was going on.
Hecuba: Horribly bad metaphor, dearest.
Herodotus: I know. Let's load Gabrielle onto the donkey and take her to Cyrene's.
Carting Gabrielle's unconscious form to the inn took a lot of strength. For the donkey. Damn, but he wasn't a pack horse, you know? He'd just appreciate a little rub down once in a while. And to be allowed in the stream to bathe. Donkey rights! DONKEY RIGHTS!
Reaching the front of the Inn, Hecuba and Herodotus realized they'd gathered a crowd that had decided to walk along with them.
Callisto: What's wrong with Gabrielle?
Hecuba: She's um, sick, child. Run along home.
Callisto: You're not my mother!
Hecuba: Thank the gods!
Together they carried Gabrielle into the Inn. Cyrene hurriedly rushed up to meet them.
Cyrene: Hello, woman-I've-never-met-before-in-my-life.
Hecuba: He knows, Cyrene.
Cyrene: Oh in that case...(Kisses Hecuba hello). How have you been, sweetie?
Herodotus: Oooh the horror!
Cyrene: You here for one of my girls, Herodotus?
Herodotus: Um, no. In case you haven't noticed, we're holding Gabrielle and she's unconscious.
Cyrene: And what would you like me to do about that?
Hecuba: Xena's a drug addict...don't you know any revival techniques for when she overdoses?
Cyrene: (Gasp) You mean someone can overdose?
Herodotus: (To Hecuba) That's right, hon. Let's just take Gab to the blacksmiths.
Cyrene: No, I might be able to help. But let me go and check on Xena first. I haven't seen her in, I don't know, about a year. I'll be right back. Bring your kid into my main room. The one that's empty. No moaners in there, I promise!
Cyrene hurriedly went up the stairs to Xena's room. She bumped into Toris.
Cyrene: Have you seen Xena, Toris?
Toris: Hi mom, haven't been home for about three months since that fishing trip with Iolaus. It's nice to see you, too.
Cyrene: Have. You. Seen. Xena?
Toris: (Screams) Bite me! I hate this house! I'm going out to wreak some havoc with Iolaus.
Cyrene: (Whistles) Absolutely useless.
Cyrene finally reached Xena's room. Trying to open the door, she realized it was locked, and locked tight. The opium fumes were getting to her. Taking a pin from her hair she deftly picked the lock and went inside. Xena was sprawled out on her bed in her underwear (the ones with the little pink minotaurs on them, how cute). She was just as unconscious as Hecuba and Herodotus' daughter. Her lips had a bluish tinge, and yet she was singing. Something about drinking mead. Figures, Cyrene thought. She would think of that even on her deathbed.
Cyrene: TORIS! Get in here! Bring that Hercules fellow that's in room two with Meg in here with you.
Toris ran downstairs and fetched Hercules. They both ran into Xena's room together.
Hercules: (Yelled) We were just talking, Cyrene, I swear! I wouldn't gyp you!
Cyrene: I don't care, boy. I need you both to lift up Xena and bring her into my main room.
Hercules: What's wrong with her? Oooh she's wearing the minotaur ones, I love those!
Cyrene raised an eyebrow. Actually, it was odd that Xena was even wearing underwear, the girl never did. Noticing a book on her dresser, Cyrene picked it up. Oooh, the smelly panties technique. That explains it.
Hercules: You want us to bring her downstairs in her underwear?
Cyrene: It's not as if she's naked, nice boy. Now do it!
Hercules and Toris hefted Xena up over their shoulders and brought her to Cyrene's main room. Hoots and hollers accompanied them on their way.
Atyminius: Is she dead? I'll pay extra if she's dead!
Cyrene: Toris, when you're done that go steal that weird man's helmet.
Toris: Consider it done, mom!
Cyrene: Meg, Penelope. I need you two to go and gather me as much snow as you possibly can.
Meg: (Grins) Yes, ma'am! Ya picked the best tramps for the job!
Cyrene: I know. Hercules, go out back and get me the tub, quick!
Herc ran outside and lifted the tub, bringing it into Cyrene's room.
Meg and Penelope gathered buckets full of snow until the tub was full. Then Cyrene had Hercules and Toris lift both girls and sit them down in it.
Cyrene: Now we need to keep them awake, and try to make them throw up. They need to get the drugs out of their system.
Meg: Ya sure do know a lot about drugs ma'am.
Cyrene: Meg, go to work!
Hecuba: (At a loss) How are we going to keep them up?
Cyrene: I have no idea. You act as if I'm a mother! (Looks at Xena) Oh.
Hercules: I'll help!
Toris: (Rolls eyes) Anything to stay next to two half-naked girls in a tub full of snow.
Hercules: Iolaus is waiting for you by the river with a fishing pole.
Toris: Yea! (To Cyrene) I'm out of here!
Cyrene: (To Toris) Thanks for all your help. See you next Solstice.
Toris ran out of the inn, hoping Iolaus really was down by the river waiting for him. Gods, but he loved fishing!
Cyrene looked at the two girls in the tub full of snow with disdain. Grabbing a handful of snow and a handful of Xena's hair, she looked at her for a moment, then smeared the frozen snow all over her face.
Hecuba: Ooh I want to do that to Gah-brielle!
Hecuba repeated the whitewash on Gabrielle. But neither girl stirred.
Cyrene: Hecuba, go into the root cellar, packed in some ice there's a small frozen porcupine that I dipped in some xanthalian phenem last year. Get it and bring it back here.
Hecuba: Sure! I'll be right back.
Hecuba made her way to the root cellar and found the frozen little animal. Having retrieved it, she went back into Cyrene's room.
Cyrene: Oh good, it hasn't thawed yet.
Hercules: Won't xanthalian phenem just make things worse for them? It causes horrible hallucinations! They're already drugged, it'll just intensify!
Cyrene: Are you a healer?
Cyrene: Then shut up.
Grabbing a glove and a lit torch, Cyrene readied herself for what she was about to do. She put the glove on, then grabbed the small animal. With the other hand she held the torch to its body, trying to thaw it out. She held the animal as close to Xena's heart as she dared, and watched as the prickly little beast started coming back to life.
The porcupine was frozen solid, but with some warmth, it soon began to thaw. Jeez, who turned on the heat? The porcupine wondered. You're frozen a year, and they thaw ya out when they need ya. Yeah, that's politically correct. You just wait until I get reincarnated into a human and you're a porcupine, glove lady. I'll get ya back!
Herodotus: What's this supposed to achieve?
Cyrene: You'll see.
Cyrene watched as the porcupine suddenly shot four of its quills at Xena, all of them landing directly in her heart. The response was instantaneous.
A deep breath. Damn, but she was cold! What was this? Snow!? I can't believe mom threw me outside again!
Herodotus: My gods, she's conscious!
Cyrene: Not really, she's just not _unconscious_ anymore. We still need to keep her up, and her delusions are going to be worse. Now for Gabrielle.
Cyrene held the porcupine near Gabrielle and watched as it did the same to her as it had to Xena.
Gabrielle: I didn't do it officer, I swear! I have no clue why Iolaus is in his underpants and eating henbane laced nutbread. Were you a giant banana in another life?
Xena: Mooooom. You threw me outside. Was my love not enough? I don't want to be a hooker! (Whine) I just want to be normal!
Cyrene: Well, that was a bit more than I wanted to know, let's work on keeping them up. Hercules, you first!
Hercules: Hey, Xe. Remember that time we went to that centaur party and you and Derek got it on?
Xena's eyes opened at this.
Xena: (Giggle) Yeah that was cool. Don't tell Borias.
Hercules: I would never do that. Xe, you have to stay awake. If you don't you're going to die.
Xena: (Mournfully) Who cares? No one cares.
Hercules: Not your mother, no. But I do and I'm sure Borias does.
Xena: That's sweet Herc. Remind me to try and kill you later.
Hercules: (Sniffle) My life wouldn't be the same without it. (To Gabrielle) Gab, remember when we were in Drama class and Xena's hair changed because the Furies cursed her?
Gabrielle: Ooooh yeah. She looked like a streaked version of Discord.
Xena: (Angry) Don't mock me while I'm unconscious, loser!
Gabrielle: A centaur? Wait until I tell Ephiny, and just about everyone else.
Xena: Damn it!
Hercules: No need to fight. Sheesh, you both are unconscious!
Xena: I think the correct term is, "Not with it" Herc.
Gabrielle: Yeah, we're here, but we're not.
Hecuba: What can we give them to make them puke?
Cyrene: More drugs? (Thinks about that for a moment) Never mind.
Herodotus: How about some of Meg's spicy cooking?
Cyrene: And what? Shove barbecue wings down their throats?
Hecuba: I've got it!
Hecuba ran out of the inn, only to return a few minutes later with a bunch of coffee and some unknown food products.
Cyrene: What do you have there?
Hecuba: Coffee, lamb ears, honey cakes, and goat gizzard.
Cyrene: That'll work!
Hercules: Xe, remember when we were in shrinkage, and Mr. T told you to stop head butting Draco, but you refused and you both got bloody noses?
Xena: Ooh yeah.
Hercules: And then you and Draco both head butted Mr. T, because you were pissed that he told you to stop.
Xena: I got detention...(Mutters) then I head butted Hades and I got insubordination. Had to spend all day in Tartarus...
Hecuba: Gah-brielle, remember when we brought Lila to Athens and made pretend we were leaving her there?
Gabrielle: Mom, we did leave her there. We had to circle back two weeks later because no one had realized she was gone.
GAB IS THE STAR:
They landed hard on a cement floor. Gabrielle had thankfully morphed back into herself on the way over there.
Gabrielle: Nice saving me.
Xena: Don't complain because I didn't catch you.
Gabrielle: I'll complain if I want. What kind of save is it when we both land on our ass?
Xena: I thought you meant save you from Dahak, not save your ass.
Gabrielle: Same difference.
Xena: Hmm, we obviously have to go through this together.
Gabrielle: Gods only know why.
Xena: Did you hear that?
Gabrielle: Hear what?
Xena: It sounded like something moved.
Something had moved. A coffin top. Gliding out of the coffin, Death made its appearance.
Xena: (Dreamily) He's scary.
Suddenly four other coffins were there. Joxer, Lila, Minya and Hower stepped out of the coffins. Each of them wore a pair of bifocals, plaid skirts (even Joxer, it's very in, you know) and pocket protectors.
Gabrielle: Great! We're surrounded by dorks.
It begins in a mall
Somewhere in West Gaul
She gets a perm, it's a mess, Gab's in pain
But the dress is a loan
And her acting skills are honed
She pretends that she likes her new mane
And on questions she acts all sweet and plays coy
It's her Barbie Doll competition, she'd like to destroy!
Gab is the star; she becomes who you are
Not the stand in, but the star
Usually ends up in a bar
She will eat you alive, bitch slap and cat fight
Don't get in the way of her spot light
She doesn't care who you are-Gab is the star!
Learning fame is an art, you shouldn't ever fart
you will be caught, passing gas, you're a fiend!
Fame you sought, fame you wrote
fame you achieved
All your fame gave me substance
your lives are undone
it's your eve of dysfunction, go grab Xena's buns!
Death, Lila, Joxer, Minya and Hower all disappear.
Xena: That was weird!
Gabrielle: (Grabs Xena's butt) You're right!
Xena: Ouch! Let go of my ass. Freak! (Pause) I almost feel like we should be singing right now.
Gabrielle: Please, I'd rather not. I mean, I did just morph back into myself and I have no desire to be a chipmunk again any time soon!
Xena: You're right. Hey, I missed you. I didn't expect all that singing crap to start happening.
Gabrielle: I've missed you, too.
Xena: 'Nuff said?
Gabrielle: Sure. (Looks in awe at the big giant dinar that has appeared in front of them again) Xena, the giant dinar is back! Look, it's Bloody Hell 2. Bloody Hell 2 brought us to Hallusia! (Walks through the giant dinar) Come on!
Xena: (Tries to walk through, but burns her hand) I can't!
Gabrielle: Of course you can.
Xena: I can't! (Death appears) It's Ming T'ien. (Angry) I gave him that haircut!
Gabrielle: You gave Lao Ma's brother that horrible haircut?
Gabrielle: It's awful. Poor kid will never get out of grade school unscathed.
Xena: I know.
Gabrielle: (Bored) I suppose you'll have to tell me about it.
Xena: Yep. It all started when Lao Ma had to go to her wire dancing recital. The usual baby sitter flew the coop, telling Momma Ma that she didn't pay her enough. So Lao Ma used me as a last resort.
[Enter Flashback][Insert Lightning Flash Effect Here]
Lao Ma: Xena, be very careful with Ming. He's my little bro and I don't want anything to happen to him.
Lao Ma: Don't smoke opium around him. My parents would normally never allow you to baby sit, by you know, I've been working on this recital for a long time.
Xena: I hear ya.
Momma Ma: Be good, Xena. There's some left over pork chops on the kitchen table. Eat them for dinner.
Poppa Ma: No boys. Don't touch my knives, and stay away from my, "Goddess Aphrodite" magazine under my mattress. Last time you came here, it was stolen.
Xena: (Looks sheepish) Sorry.
Momma Ma: Here's three different carrier pigeons. Use them all in case of an emergency. They're well trained.
Xena: (Grunt) Ok.
Ming: I'm scared.
Poppa Ma: Stop being a wussy!
Momma Ma: Leave him alone, he's only nine!
Xena: Go on, get out. Good luck, Lao Ma.
Lao Ma: Thank you, Xena. You are most kind.
Xena: I know. Get the hell out.
[End flashback momentarily with lightning effect]
Gabrielle: Then what happened?
Xena: You don't want to know.
Gabrielle: Yes I do! Now tell me!
[Resume flashback with lightning effect]
Lao Ma and her parents went out the door to board the family chariot.
Xena: (Sigh) Well, they're off to the recital.
Xena: Are you always so quiet?
Xena: (Takes a bite of her pork chop) I'm the scourge sent by the gods to kill all of your toy soldiers. (Starts to pop off the heads of Ming's toy soldiers) Scary, huh?
Ming: (Tears well up) (Silence)
Chuang: (Through an opened window) Psst! Xena, Borias is here!
Xena: Really? Cool! (Turns to Ming) Ming, let's play a game.
Xena: It's called, "Let's stick Ming in the closet and see how long he can go without talking."
Ming: (Silence) (Thinking, "I am a big wussy.")
Xena grabbed Ming by the collar of his blue T-shirt, and stuffed him in a closet in his parents bedroom (of course she winked at him before closing the door). Then went downstairs to meet Borias.
Borias: Vhere's de child?
Xena: I stuck him in a closet. Is that okay?
Borias: Fine vit me!
Xena: Let's sword fight!
Little Ming escaped from his closet prison and headed downstairs to find his terrible baby sitter. The only problem was, Xena thought he was still in the closet, and as her sword descended it cut off Ming's long braid. Leaving him with a shaved head and a tiny little pony tail no longer than her pinkie finger.
Xena: (Gasp) Whoops! (Picks up the braid) Ming, I think you lost something!
Ming: (Looks at his braid and touches his head where the braid once was) WAAAAAAAAH! I'm (sniffle) telling!
Xena: No! No kid, don't do it! I'll give you anything to say you did it yourself!
Ming: I want the "Goddess Aphrodite" magazine!
Xena: You've got it.
[End flashback with lightning effect]
Gabrielle: And you thought that was bad?
Xena: Well "Goddess Aphrodite" magazine isn't exactly the nicest thing a nine year old boy could be reading.
Gabrielle: Did the Mas freak?
Xena: Just Poppa, but he got over it. He glares at me every time I go over their house though, because he knows I stole his magazine. (Looks at Bloody Hell 2 through the giant dinar) Bloody Hell 2, I'm really sorry I was such a sucky owner.
Xena hesitantly put her hand through the giant dinar. Gabrielle's clasped it through the other side, and pulled her in.
Gabrielle: I feel like I just got a few porcupine needles shoved in my heart!
Xena: Yeah, I felt like that a while ago.
Gabrielle: Is that a giant hot dog running in circles over there?
Xena: I thought it was Hercules. (Lets Bloody Hell 2 use her index finger as a perch) Anyway, Bloody, I was a really bad owner.
Bloody Hell 2: Chirp.
Translation: I forgive you. Now wake up damn it!
Xena and Gabrielle actually became "with it." They both stared at each other, then at the people surrounding them.
Gabrielle: We're home.
Xena: Are we? Why does mother have the body of a horse?
Gabrielle: You mean she's not a centaur?
Xena: At least we're together.
Gabrielle: (Looks down) Little pink minotaurs?
|School Sucks||School Bites||School Blows||School B.S.|
|Listings of works by JadeCB|
|Return to the Fan Fiction area|