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School Blows

By JadeCB
(c) January 1999
divideandconquer@iname.com

Disclaimers: This parody is the third installement of the "School" series. You would be better off to read the first two (School Sucks and School Bites) before reading this one, otherwise you will probably have *no* clue as to what is going on. There are naughty words, subtext, hettext, implied drug use, sexual innuendo's, and a bunch of bloody parakeets in this parody. You were warned.

Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and all characters associated with either show, are owned by MCA/Universal. No copyright infrigement is intended. The parody itself is (c) to me. ME!!

The events in this parody follow the episode "Maternal Instincts."

BIOLOGY:

Mr. Kaleipus: Today we're going to learn about three headed hydras. Actually, we're going to dissect them. And we owe it all to Hercules and Iolaus, who went out and killed this monster.

Xena: Oooh gee, thanks guys. Just what we need, more study and dissection.

Hercules: Shut up. That thing wasn't easy to kill.

Xena: Could've done it blind-folded boys.

Mr. Kaleipus: Xena, is that a parakeet on your shoulder?

Xena: Yeah. Why, did he crap on me or something?

Mr. Kaleipus: Oh no. No. He's just...cute is all.

Xena: His name is Bloody Hell 2 and he's not CUTE. (To Bloody Hell 2) No offense.

Hercules: Xena's only friend is a ten dinar parakeet. Well that, and a "secret" friend. What's her name? Lariel?

Xena: Gabrielle. But her mom calls her Gah-Brielle.

The class begins to dissect the hydra.

Autolycus: You know, this would make a great date for Ceberus.

Xena: Too bad it's dead.

Mr. Kaleipus: Xena, begin slicing along the neck path, yes, like that. My, you're very skilled with a dagger.

Xena: I have many skills.

Hercules: Way overused, Xe.

Xena: Bite me!

Hercules: Gladly.

Xena begins slicing along the neck of one of the hydra heads and "accidentally" missed it, aiming for Hercules.

Mr. Kaleipus: I saw that!

Hercules: Oooh goody! Another kiss.

Xena leaned over and kissed him.

Autolycus: Hey, can you start trying to kill me?

Xena: Maybe later.

The bell rang a little while later. When Xena was about to leave Mr. Kaleipus stopped her.

Mr. Kaleipus: Xena, you really should give me that parakeet.

Xena: No. It's my parakeet.

Mr. Kaleipus: If you cared about the parakeet, you'd give it to someone who can give it a nice life.

Xena: What are you talking about? Bloody Hell 2 has a deluxe parakeet mansion complete with a new cuttlebone and a honey seed stick!

Mr. Kaleipus: Do you really want your bird to live in a whore house?

Xena: My mother runs an inn.

Mr. Kaleipus: Sure.

Xena suddenly sniffled, and realized Mr. Kaleipus was right. She couldn't bring Bloody Hell 2 up in a whore house. It only took the original Bloody Hell two months before he was prancing around in mom's underwear and smoking opium. NO! This would not happen to Bloody Hell 2. Bloody Hell 2 would have some self-respect.

Xena: You're right.

Mr. Kaleipus: What?

Xena: I can't keep this parakeet. If it stays with me it'll become like me. Or at the very least start prancing around in mom's lingerie and wearing miniature heels. I can't let that happen. Take him.

Mr. Kaleipus: Okay. The parakeet of Xena will be raised as my own.

Xena: *sniffle* (Hands Bloody Hell 2 to Kaleipus) Give him cuttlebone often. Make sure he doesn't get into any glue, and by the gods don't let him be a warrior!

Mr. Kaleipus: I hear ya. Okay, get out before you change your mind.

Xena: I'll bring the mansion over here later.

Mr. Kaleipus: No, don't come back. I'll get him a brand new mansion.

Xena left trying not to cry. That would ruin her bad-ass image.

CALLISTO HAS A SLEEP-OVER:

Arleia: (Callisto's mom) Callisto, honey, a few of your friends are here.

Callisto: (From her room) Which friends?

Arleia: Who are you children?

Gabrielle: I'm Gabrielle, and this is Autolycus, Hercules and Iolaus.

Arleia: I had no idea Callisto even had friends.

Autolycus: We're not friends, really. Most of us just know each other from the school shrink.

Arleia: Ooooh. That explains it. Callisto's room is down the hall, (sarcastic) follow the scorch marks on my nice wooden floor.

Callisto: (Walks out of her room) I told you Velasca did it!

Arleia: Whatever. (in a sweet voice) Callisto, can you go get your father a mead?

Callisto: NO! He's a drunk. Tell him to get it himself....if he can walk straight.

Arleia: Callisto, don't make me beat your ass in front of your little friends.

Callisto: (Tears well up) Mom, I thought we had this discussion already.

Arleia: No, you had a discussion. I nodded my head and pretended to listen. Go get your father a mead.

Callisto walked to the kitchen, uncorked a barrel, and filled a cup full of mead. Instead of giving it to her father, she drank it and burped loudly.

Pankos, her father, was too drunk to notice.

Callisto: Daddy, these are my friends.

Pankos: Hmm...mmhmm.

Callisto: Daddy! Speak in a sentence! Just this once.

Pankos: Hmm. mmmmhmm...okay.

Callisto: Forget it.

Hercules: So, are we going to go into your room or what?

Autolycus: Always trying to get into girls rooms, huh Herc?

Hercules: Shut up.

Callisto: I guess we can go in there.

The small group walked into Callisto's room. Gabrielle actually screamed.

Callisto's room was covered wall to wall with sketches of Xena. Xena sitting proudly on her horse. Xena carrying books from school. Xena on her horse with Borias (what an eye opening picture that was). Xena giving the finger to "Sparky" behind his back. It was absolutely frightening.

Callisto: As you can see, I have a bit of a Xena obsession.

Hercules: (Looking at the Xena/Borias picture) I like this one. Can I keep it?

Callisto: NO! Don't touch anything.

Hercules moved to sit on the bed, not noticing the spiders all around it.

Hercules: Ahhh! Do you sleep with these ugly little spiders?

Callisto: (Pointing in her closet) And the rats. (shrugs) They're my pets, what can I say?

Pankos: Mmmhmmm, Callisto.

Callisto: (Walking into the livingroom, leaving everyone alone in her room) WHAT?!

Arleia: (Yelling) Your father said more of your little friends are here! Who told you that you could have a sleep-over anyway?

Callisto: Daddy did. (Opens the door) Xena, Velasca.....Little dork boy (Joxer)?! Come in.

Pankos got up from the couch and steadied himself.

Pankos: Xena? Cyrene's Xena? She's here?

Arleia: Don't even think about it, Pankos!

Pankos: (Pouts) But she's cute. And Callie gave me this really nice picture of her on a horse with her boyfriend.

Arleia gives Callisto a, "You're going to get your ass whooped when your friends leave" look.

Callisto: Sorry mom.

Xena: Callisto, it's odd that you invited me.

Callisto: Then why did you come?

Xena: Because Meg is using my room again. I swear she wants my life almost as much as you do.

Callisto: (In a shrilly voice) What?

Xena: Just kidding. No one wants my life as much as you do.

Callisto: Thank you, dear.

Pankos strolled by, barely able to keep himself upright. Xena whacked him on the ass.

Xena: How are ya, Pankos?

Arleia: You little tramp. You might as well work for your mother, you do enough of it on the side.

Callisto: Mother! (Smiles) Good one!

Xena: (Decides to be mean) Say Callisto, where's that little cat you used to have?

Callisto's lip trembled.

Xena: Remember how it used to scratch at the couch?

Callisto: Shut up, Xena. I'm warning you.

Xena: (As they walk into Callisto's room) Oh, that's right. I killed it. (Xena walked into Callisto's room) What the f*ck?

Callisto: Do you like it? It's my shrine for you.

Xena: You drew all of these?

Callisto: (Insane look in her eyes) I drew until the charcol made my fingers bleed. Didn't they come out fantastic?

Xena: Yeah, I must admit your attention to detail is stunning.

Joxer: U-Uh-Um guys, hi. (Someone hits Joxer in the nose) OW!

Callisto: So now that we're all here let's do something. Any ideas?

Hercules: Spin the mead cup? No, no, that won't spin well..how about spin the dagger?

Gabrielle: Sounds good to me.

Xena pulled out her boot dagger, and laid it on the floor. The group formed a small circle (making Gabrielle shudder with campfire memories), and sat down.

Pankos: (Burp)(Yelling) Hey...you..mmmm...you....mmmnnn kids...better....nnnnnot be playin' no spin the dagger in there!

Callisto: (Insane smile) Daddy spoke in a sentence!

Pankos: Especially you, Callie. I know you're...you're on hen...something..henbane.

Callisto: (The insane smile disappeared and was replaced by a pout) Okay, daddy. You've talked enough for the year.

Iolaus: Which one of us gets to spin first, huh?

Xena: I want to spin.

Callisto: It's my house.

Xena: So what? You want to be like me, so therefore you must watch me spin. That way your spin will be equally as good.

Callisto: Makes sense. Spin.

Xena gripped the dagger by the handle, and spun it around. After a few circles its sharp edge finally found its destination by pointing at Gabrielle.

Hercules: Whoa! I can't wait to see this!

Xena leaned forward. Her lips barely brushed Gabrielle's when Autolycus pushed her out of the way and kissed Gabrielle himself.

Xena: No fair! That was my kiss!

Autolycus: Face it babe, that kiss never would've made it past Callisto's mom's secret videocam.

Xena: What?!

Autolycus: Callisto's mom is a censor.

Callisto: (Blank look) What's that?

Autolycus: Never mind. Someone else spin.

Callisto let the dagger loose, and watched as it went in circles. Callisto watched it intensly, hoping that it would point to Xena. When its circling finally died down, it pointed at Velasca.

Callisto: (Angry) What a gyp!

Xena: You two have to kiss. And if Auto's videocam theory is correct, than you'll have to get in the closet to do it.

Velasca: I am not getting into a closet with her.

Callisto: Oh, like I want to get it in with you. I don't think so.

Gabrielle: There's ambrosia cookies in there.

Callisto: There is not, it's my closet dumb-ass.

Gabrielle: Okay, but I looked in there before. Nice Solstice ambrosia cookies in the shape of seashells. Seriously.

Velasca: Really?

Xena: Yeah, I saw them, too. Next to the dead spider and an old sweatshirt I wore when I was a freshman. How'd that get in there, Callisto?

Callisto: I stole it from our gym class freshman year.

Xena: I knew it! Get in there!

Callisto: (Whines) But Xena! I really don't like Velasca. She's got bad breath.

Velasca: You need deodorant.

Callisto: Piss off!

Velasca: Whatever. I don't need or want a kiss.

Callisto: Well that's something we have in common.

Xena: If you two go into the closet, I'll give you each twenty dinars.

Velasca: I could use money, however. I'm in.

Velasca opened the closet door, and stepped inside.

Velasca: It's a little warm in here, Callisto. Why?

Callisto: (Stepping into the closet) I like to keep it at exactly 68 degrees. That way the stray locks of Xena's hair that I cut off won't curl.

Velasca: Oh. Sorry I asked.

The door suddenly closed and locked.

Callisto: Xena? Hey, Xena...what's going on?

Hercules: You two need to kiss. We're not letting you out until you do.

Xena: Hey, what's this under Callisto's bed? A diary?

Callisto: Xena, no..Xena! Don't touch that! Don't do it, Xena! I'll never be your personal stalker again!

Xena gave her evil-eyed look around the room, daring each of them to oppose her reading of Callisto's diary. No one put up a fuss.

Xena read the first passage into the diary aloud so they all could hear it.

Diary D-EAR,

Today I saw her. Xena. The senior who beat up my older sister, Punky, last year. Punky was a senior then, but having been humiliated she soon finished school and ran off to study at a hairdressing school in Athens, which is where I strongly suspect the art teacher, Mr. Vidalis, hails from. He's always eyeing my blonde locks with a look of distain.

Anyway, the moment I set eyes on her I knew she was meant for me. Well, not for me, but she killed my cat Mr. Snuggles, and no one gets away with that. Yeah, like her hunk of man Borias (but I'll call him Burrito when I talk to her, because that'll subtley piss her off) "accidentally" ran Mr. Snuggles over with his chariot. Sure, I'll believe that.

Oh well. I have to stop writing, mom is whining about dinner not being made, and dad's drunk again. I'll write soon.

Xena: Bwhahahaah!

Callisto: (Whines) Xena, please stop reading that!

Diary D-EAR,

That does it.

Mom and dad are fighting, because it seems dad went to Xena's mother's whore house (Xena always calls it an inn, even though we all know what it really is), and ended up sleeping with Xena.

Xena glared around the room waiting for comments. No one said a word.

Like we needed that. Now not only is she responsible for the death of my cat, the humiliation of my sister, but now SLEEPING WITH MY FATHER!

It's unacceptable!

When her underwear (Though I'm not too sure she wears any, and trust me I look) is up on the flagpole at school, she'll know...SHE'LL KNOW true humiliation. And I will have my revenge!

Gotta go potty. I'll write more later.

Hercules: Potty, Callisto?

Callisto: STOP READING!

Diary D-EAR,

I think Xena's sleeping with Mr. Ares now. I'm SO JEALOUS. It's not fair.

I miss Mr. Snuggles.

Xena: Callisto, I never knew you were this entertaining. Oh well, we're out of here. Have fun in your closet.

Velasca: Hey! You can't just leave me in here with her! There are spiders in here.

Autolycus: Later babes!

The small troop walked out of Callisto's room, followed the scorched hallway, and made their way to the front door.

Arleia: Where are you children off to?

Gabrielle: Ah, Callisto's boring. We're leaving.

Arleia: Where is she?

Iolaus: Do you care?

Arleia: Good point. Bye kids.

All: See ya!

Callisto, in her closet, was not very happy.

STUCK IN THE CLOSET:

Callisto: I can't believe Xena did that to me.

Velasca: Callisto, she's your enemy. Of course she would.

Callisto: But it was mean.

Velasca: Yeah...and?

Callisto: Nothing.

Velasca: Want to kiss anyway?

Callisto: No. I don't need a kiss. I've got my spiders.

Velasca: What's so important about these insects anyway?

Callisto: Nothing. They're just fun.

Velasca: Explain.

Callisto: You know, you can name them and then make them do things.

Velasca: Play acting?

Callisto: Well...yeah.

Velasca: Can I try?

Callisto: I guess.

Callisto handed Velasca three of her "pet" spiders.

Callisto: First you have to name them.

Velasca: Okay, this one is Ephiny. This one, Gabrielle. This big, superior spider with the big chest, and the really weird blue eyes will be me.

Callisto: Okay. Now do something with them. And don't let them near Xena's strands of hair. I'll never forgive you if they make a nest there.

Velasca: Got ya. (Imitating Ephiny) Gabrielle had the mask before you Velasca. (Imitating Gabrielle) Yeah, Terreis gave it to me, loser. (Imitating herself) You will all see, I'm going to be PROM QUEEN. That MASK WAS MINE!

Velasca grabbed a nearby flint, and lit the spider posing as Gabrielle on fire. The spider posing as Ephiny started to book it to a safer corner of the closet.

Velasca: I've got a special place in my heart for you, too, Ephiny!

Velasca flame-broiled the spider posing as Ephiny.

Callisto: Those were my favorite. Thanks for nothing.

Velasca: Well what are you going to do about it?

Callisto: I'm going to strangle you!

Callisto wrapped her hands around Velasca's throat and squeezed.

Velasca: (Choking) Sorry!

Callisto: That's better.

Velasca: Hey, Callie, look!

Velasca held a tin of cookies in her hand. Stamped across the front of the tin in bright green letters were the words, "AMBROSIA: Cookies your grandma dreamed of making, but she sucked at cooking so she bought these instead."

Callisto: Open 'em!

Velasca opened the tin revealing a bunch of shell shaped ambrosia cookies.

Velasca: Food of the gods!

Together the two girls dined on a feast of ambrosia cookies. When they had demolished the entire tin their eyes changed to an eerie bright blue, and Velasca's chest suddenly got five times bigger. They were goddess' now.

Bloody Bastard flew in through Callisto's open window. In her beak, clutched tightly, was a small plastic pink and blue ball with tiny bells on the inside. The bells made a merry jingle as the small parakeet dropped the ball. It landed on the wooden floor. It bounced, jingled and hit the closet door hard, unlocking and opening it.

Callisto: Did the door just open?

Velasca: Yep!

Callisto: Do you think we could've opened it with our godly powers?

Velasca: I don't think so. That was locked pretty tight.

Callisto walked out of the closet, and stared at the small parakeet. The closet door closed and locked behind her.

Velasca: (Slightly muffled) Hey! No fair, why do I have to stay in the closet? Callie?

Callisto: (Streches) A parakeet. I've always wanted a parakeet.

Bloody Bastard, having used all of her strength to carry the plastic ball, fainted.

GAB FINDS OUT THE TRUTH:

Gabrielle: Where's Bloody Hell 2, Xena? I haven't heard you talk about him in a while.

Xena: I gave him away.

Gabrielle: What? You gave him to someone else?

Xena: I had to.

Gabrielle: Why? He's a bird! He should know his owner!

Xena: Do you really want Bloody Hell 2 to grow up in a whore house?

Gabrielle: Well, not really. But you live there.

Xena: So what?!

Gabrielle: I can't believe you gave away my present.

Xena: I'm sorry.

Gabrielle: (Sarcastic) Yeah, that makes up for it.

BIOLOGY A FEW DAYS LATER:

Xena: Mr. K, how's Bloody Hell 2 doing?

Mr. Kaleipus: He's all right. I finally got him to stop whistling like a moan.

Xena: Really?

Mr. Kaleipus: Really.

Xena: I'm glad.

Mr. Kaleipus: Xena, something does disturb me.

Xena: What's that?

Mr. Kaleipus: Someone wrote, "Mr. K is dead and so's his little bird" on my chalkboard today. Do you know anything about that?

Xena: Must've been Callisto.

Mr. Kaleipus: Are you sure it wasn't you?

Xena: Of course it wasn't me.

Mr. Kaleipus: I don't believe you.

Xena: I don't need to waste my time writing silly notes to my teachers on the chalkboard. If I want to give them a message they'll get it with a dagger.

Mr. Kaleipus: I was just asking..gods.

CALLISTO AND BLOODY BASTARD CHAT:

Bloody Bastard sat on a small stool in the custodian closet. Callisto stood above her, spraying her with a squirt bottle and preening her feathers as best she could with her fingers.

Callisto: Do you think Mr. Kaleipus got our message?

Bloody Bastard: Chirp.

Translation: He got it.

Callisto: Good. I can't wait to see Xena's face with Bloody Hell 2 dies. Stabbed, stabbed through the heart. Pierced to the soul with such delicious pain! More cuttlebone?

Bloody Bastard: Tweet.

Translation: Sure.

Callisto: So what's Xena's role in all of this?

Bloody Bastard: Chirp. Tweet. Lalalalal. Chirp.

Translation: When Bloody Hell 2 goes, so goes the world.

Callisto: A furkin parakeet is going to cause the earth to go into darkness? Sha-yeah that'll happen.

Bloody Bastard: CHIRP!

Translation: Do you doubt my father's abilities? 'Cause he'll take your skanky ass on right now!

Callisto: Try me!

Bloody Bastard: Tweet. Tweet.

Translation: Father says for now he won't kill you. He needs your help, but after that you're so dead when he explodes from your hair-dryer.

Callisto: Uh-oh.

Bloody Bastard: Chirp.

Translation: I need to go talk to Gabrielle. Catch ya in a bit?

Callisto: Where else am I going to go? Hurry up though, okay? I'm inhaling pine-sol and I don't think I can handle much more.

GABRIELLE SPILLS THE BEANS:

Bloody Wanker looked up at Gabrielle, dazed. She wondered why the chick hadn't noticed her feathers all around the floor of her cage. HELLO?! Gawds, was the girl daft? Parakeets losing feathers meant only one thing: stress!

Ephiny: Gabrielle, what are you telling me?

Gabrielle: When I went camping with Xena, Bloody Wanker laid an egg and had a baby bird.

Ephiny: Really? Cool.

Gabrielle: Not really. Xena thought it was evil at the dance and tried to drown it in a bowl of spiked punch.

Ephiny: What is she on?

Gabrielle: Opium. Remember?

Ephiny: Oh yeah. Well, I gotta go. Phantes is expecting me.

Gabrielle: Don't eat too much hay.

Ephiny: HEY!

Gabrielle: Yeah, don't eat too much of it.

Ephiny, realizing there was no way to get herself out of that nasty one liner, let the joke drop.

Ephiny: See ya.

A few moments later Bloody Bastard flew inside of Gabrielle and Lila's room through an opened window.

Gabrielle: (To Bloody Wanker) What the hell happened to your feathers? You look ugly now.

Bloody Wanker: Chirp.

Translation: You too, ya furkhead. You do realize I'll be pooping on your shoulder the next time you take me out of the cage, right?

Bloody Bastard decided that she couldn't be seen well enough on the floor. Flying up to the top of the cage, she pranced around and did a horribly offensive (to her) birdie dance. She shuddered. There was nothing worse than doing a birdie dance and looking cute.

Gabrielle: Bloody Bastard! (Bloody Wanker seeing Bloody Bastard, repeatedly starts to bang her head against a small mirrior) I'm so glad you're home!

Bloody Bastard: Tweet?

Translation: You are?

Gabrielle: I love you!

Bloody Bastard: (Is tweetless)

Translation: I'm speechless.

Gabrielle: After Xena gave Bloody Hell 2 to Mr. Kaleipus, I thought I'd never see you again. It just reminded me so much of you. Xena gave her parakeet away, I did the same to ensure that you lived, and you did!

Bloody Bastard: (Excited) TWEET! CHIRP!

Translation: Oooh. Thanks for the location of Bloody Hell 2. I'm out of here!

Bloody Bastard gave one last tweet, and flew back out of the window.

Gabrielle: Damn bird.

MR. K IS DEAD AND SO'S HIS LITTLE BIRD:

Mr. Kaleipus walked into his biology room. It should've been empty, but he heard a small rattling sound.

Mr. Kaleipus: Bloody Hell 2, is that you?

Bloody Bastard watched Kaleipus walking into the classroom. She focused on a scalpel that had been left unattended to by a lazy student. It levitated in the air, waiting to be thrown into some poor, unfortunate biology teacher's chest.

Mr. Kaleipus: Gods parakeet, what are you doing in my biology room? I already have a parakeet.

Mr. Kaleipus finally noticed the scalpel dangling in the air. He gasped as it embedded into his chest.

Bloody Bastard chirpped in an insane way and made her way to where Bloody Hell 2's cage was located.

Bloody Bastard: (To Bloody Hell 2) Are you Bloody Hell 2?

Bloody Hell 2: Um, who's askin'?

Bloody Bastard: I know it's you. I'm just messin' with ya before I kill you. Sorry.

Bloody Hell 2: What did I ever do to you?

Bloody Bastard: Nothing. I just need to kill you so Xena will get really pissed and help my father enter the world.

Bloody Hell 2: Xena won't go into a rage for that. She doesn't love me. She gave me to the dead guy over there.

Bloody Bastard: Stop chirping. You're giving me a headache. This isn't a very safe place, is it? Oh well, I have to kill you now. Bye-bye.

XENA FINDS OUT THE TRUTH:

Xena was sprawled out on her bed reading the latest novel by, "Smellius Panties" entitled, "Unusual Battle Techniques." It was an interesting book about the art of war, and how a warrior could use their smelly panties and other unsual things to escape death while in battle. She was reading the latest example now.

A pair of smelly panties can come in handy during battle. Melana had just become a warrior, and didn't know many warrior arts. Melana knew one thing though, and that was that she hadn't washed her panties in quite a while.

The fierceness of the battle surprised her, and the smell of blood and burning flesh filled the air. Two warriors, with panties that were a little bit cleaner than Melana's, but not by much, moved around her.

The first one leveled a sword at her head. "I've got ya now ya nim bim!" He yelled, aiming to kill.

Did he just call me a nim bim? Melana wondered. She hated being called a nim bim! It was a double insult. First a nimrod, and then a bimbo. How dare this stupid warrior call her that?!

Melana did a dance that looked a little like a chicken flopping around with its head cut off. A-ha! She was victorious! In her hands were a pair of stinky, smelly panties. Doing a quick freak attack (though with the chicken dance how could someone not be expecting the stinky panties technique?) she threw her panties at the first warrior's face.

Expecting a sword or dagger and not the stench that assaulted his nostrils, the warrior screamed.

The second warrior, seeing what had happened to his comrade, ran away like the little wuss Melana knew him to truly be.

Xena laughed loudly, and stored that small tid-bit of knowledge away for future reference. She might need it at WU (Warlord University). Mental note, Xe. Start wearing panties or that entire technique can never be utilized. Finished with the book she closed it and set it on a small table beside her bed. She wished for a moment that her room didn't smell like Eau De Hooker, then let the opium that she had been smoking set in.

Xena woke-up twenty minutes later when a rock landed against her head.

Xena: Ouch! Damn it! A rock?

Xena noticed there was a small letter attached to the rock that had bounced off of her head.

Xena,

Bloody Bastard is still alive. Oops, sorry. I guess she didn't drown in the chamber pot like I thought she would. Damn bird. She's such an actress! Lying all still like she was really dead! And the gurgling effects! Who knew a parakeet could sound like that?

Bwhahaha. Can you believe it? The little furker is still alive.

The whole reason I'm writing you this letter is, well, I know you think she's like, totally evil or something, but she's not. SHE IS NOT EVIL SHE IS NOT!

Gabrielle

P.S. I might've accidentally let it slip that you gave Bloody Hell 2 to Mr. Kaleipus. Whoops.

Oh gods. Bloody Hell 2 was in some serious danger! With that thought still in her head another rock landed solidly against it, jumbling her thought and leaving her disorientated for a moment.

Xena: Furkin ROCKS!

Xena,

There are a few dead things in the Biology lab that don't belong in there. Wanna go dissect something that looks a lot like your former parakeet Bloody Hell 2?

By the way, I'm a goddess now and those cookies tasted great!

Love,

Your stalker who had nothing to do with anyone's death really. Seriously. It wasn't me. Anyway, I blame you.

P.S. I'm SO not inviting you to my next sleep-over!

P.S.S. I love floor cleaning chemicals almost as much as I love you! I'm so deliciously happy it's almost frightening. By the way, Velasca tried to kiss me. Yeech. Freaky Amazon. I knew sitting next to her during lunch would make her think I like her.

Xena boarded Borias' stolen chariot and drove to Autolycus' house.

Autolycus: Xena? What are you doing here?

Xena: Quick! I need your help.

Autolycus: Can I get a kiss?

Xena: Fine! (Kisses him deeply) Can we go now?

Autolycus: (Dazed) Sure. Where are we going?

Xena: To school.

Autolycus: Correct me if I'm wrong, but SCHOOL?

Xena: I want you to break in with me.

Autolycus: (Shrugs) I guess we can do that.

They drove as fast as they could to Greek Olive High. Xena was very upset. What if something had happened to Bloody Hell 2? She would never forgive herself is something had happened to the little pea-brain.

Autolycus picked the lock and a moment later they were in.

Autolycus: Where to?

Xena: Biology.

Autolycus: Hey Xena? Why didn't you get Herc to help you?

Xena: Herc can't open a milk carton.

Autolycus: (Snickers) Yeah.

They made their way to the biology class. Flinging the door open, they went inside. Oh no! Mr. K and Bloody Hell 2 were dead! Mr. K had a scalpel sticking out of his chest and Bloody Hell 2 was just a small little carcass fitting in with the rest of the dead animals in the room. Whoever did this would pay. Xena would make sure of it.

Autolycus: Do you get the feeling we're interrupting something, Xena?

Xena: Get out.

Autolycus: What?

Xena: I said get out!

Autolycus: (Whispering) Why do you want to stay in a room with dead things in it?

Xena: Shut up! Get out! This really sucks! My parakeet is dead!

Autolycus: So is Mr. K.

Xena: Who cares about Mr. K?! Bloody HELL 2!!! I didn't care about the heels, honestly Bloody Hell! I can't believe someone killed my bloody parakeet!

Xena scooped up Bloody Hell 2, and stuck him in her cleavage.

Autolycus: I don't even want to know.

CALLISTO AND XENA CAT FIGHT (MEOW):

Callisto walked into the Amazon. It was completely deserted, save a dead rat and a few kegs of Thesselian rum. Ah, that stuff tastes like crap anyway. She heard a slight ttttwhunk sound and felt a peculiar feeling in her stomach. ACK! There was a plastic cafeteria fork sticking out of her tummy! Turning around Callisto spotted Xena.

Callisto: Hurts doesn't it? Losing your little parakeet. Rips out your heart, your guts, your feelings. And all that's left is the empty cage, huh? Bet that hurt! That was for Mr. Snuggles!

Xena: Naw. Didn't bug me that much.

Xena pulled out Bloody Hell 2 from her cleavage and threw him at Callisto.

Callisto: (Picking up the dead bird from her top) Eeew. Xena! No fair! (Callisto spreads out Bloody Hell 2's wings, and starts talking through him, as though he's the one who's talking) Hey Xena. I'm Bloody Hell 2, and I'm dead. Do you know why I'm dead, Xena? I'm dead because you left me to rot while another little bird killed me. How could you, Xena? I thought you loved me. Though you did give me away. I guess you wanted me to die. You hated me, Xena!

Xena: Stop it!

Callisto: What's the matter?

Xena: You've got a booger hanging out of your nose.

Callisto: (Throws the dead bird on the ground, and wipes at her nose) You can't let me have any dignity can you? I hate you so much I love you! And all I can smell is floor cleaner!

Gabrielle ran from her hiding space behind the keg of Thesselian rum.

Gabrielle: Xena! What are you doing?

Xena: Fighting with Callisto, what does it look like I'm doing? Get lost. I hate you.

Gabrielle: (Surprised) You hate me? Why do you hate me? I didn't do anything to you!

Xena: Just get out. Bloody Bastard killed Bloody Hell 2. I'll never forgive you, bee-atch.

Gabrielle: By the gods, did you just call me a bee-atch?

Callisto: Sounds like she did, dear.

Gabrielle: Fine. You were a stupid secret friend anyway. And the entire school knows you're on opium and sleeping with Mr. Ares.

Xena: Well you probably told them anyway. Get lost! I'd rather get drunk with Callisto and end up in the same sleeping bag, then spend one more moment with you.

Gabrielle: Well, I can see where I'm not welcome.

Gabrielle left the Amazon and slammed the door behind her.

Callisto: (Twirls her hair) Well, you're boring Xena. I'm going to see if that psycho bird is still around. She's funny!

GAB OFFS THE BIRD:

Bloody Bastard decided it was safe to go home and sit on Bloody Wanker's cage. She was waiting for Gabrielle to get home. Finally, three hours, thirty two minutes and five seconds later, Gabrielle came home.

Gabrielle finally realized that Bloody Bastard was evil. It wasn't Mr. Kaleipus and Bloody Hell 2 lying dead in the biology lab that convinced her, it was the way Bloody Bastard preened her feathers. What kind of parakeet would willingly wear an odd feather-style like that? It was horrible! And it did look evil. Opening a small bag of budgie seed that had been contaminated with rat poison, she poured it into the palm of her hand.

Gabrielle: You're a good little birdie, aren't ya? Yes you are. (Holds her hand out to Bloody Bastard) You must be hungry.

Bloody Bastard: Tweet.

Translation: Not really, but I guess I'll eat some of this budgie seed so I'll look more "cute."

Bloody Bastard ate all of the bird seed in Gabrielle's hand. Two minutes later she dropped dead.

Bloody Wanker looked from Gabrielle to Bloody Bastard and decided now would be as good a time as any to make a break for it. She escaped the cage, and flew out the window never to be heard from again.

Gabrielle poured more poisoned budgie seed into her palm. Not noticing Xena watching through the window, she held the budgie seed to her lips. Hmm, wonder how this tastes?

Xena waited, hoping that Gabrielle would actually be stupid enough to eat some, then sighed as the poisoned bird seed fell to the floor.

THE FUNERAL:

Ephiny stood on the bleachers singing a funeral dirge for the dead parakeets. Two small funeral pyre's burned brightly in the middle of the field.

Phantes: Whoooie! Eph! Great tunes, babe.

Ephiny: Phantes, we're at a funeral for Gaia's sake.

Phantes: Yeah....and?

Ephiny: Nothing. I'm still pissed about that whole football thing.

Phantes: You're pissed? I really wanted to go against those Mitoan dogs. Grrr. They've held the championship for five years straight.

Ephiny: It doesn't matter, Phantes. You still can't make the team.

Phantes: Babe?

Ephiny: Yes?

Phantes: There's a fly around my butt, and I can't reach it with my tail. Would you mind?

Ephiny: (Swats the fly, killing it) Happy now?

Phantes: That felt good. Thanks Eph. If I didn't have you I don't know what I'd do.

Ephiny: You'd get a fly swater, like all the other centaurs.

Phantes: Probably.

Gabrielle stared into the fire, tears streaming down her face.

Gabrielle: If I had done what you said....then none of this would've happened. Mr. K, Bloody Hell 2...

Xena: No. (Turns to Gabrielle) No. Don't you even speak his name.

Gabrielle: Xena?

Xena: No, you lied to me. I trusted you and you lied to me. And now my bird is dead, because of you.

Gabrielle: It was not my fault! Blame my parents for getting me the damn bird! Blame yourself...like you had to go and play with Caesar.

Xena: He enjoyed it.

Gabrielle: I'm sure he did.

Caesar: I did.

Gabrielle: Who the f*ck asked you?

Caesar: Whatever. I'm not the one who killed Xena's bird.

Gabrielle: Listen pretty-boy-who-wears-a-skirt, when I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.

Caesar: (Snort) Well, I'm not the one who wore chamber pot carpeting and smelled like a donkey at the school dance.

Caesar, upset, left in search of his true love, Brutus.

Gabrielle: He really annoys me.

Xena: I like him. No I hate him. I'm obsessed with him.

Callisto: I'm obsessed with you, dear heart.

Xena: Who invited you to the funeral?

Callisto: Who cares? Say, you're mad at Gabrielle, huh?

Xena: Just a little.

Callisto: Can I be your best friend?

Xena: I guess.

Xena sniffled, then looked at Gabrielle.

Xena: Gabrielle, I'm Callisto's best friend now.

Gabrielle: What?

Xena: Yeah, and I'm going to proclaim it to the world. So, anyway, I'm totally not your friend anymore.

Gabrielle: You suck.

Xena: I saw your father at my mother's inn.

Gabrielle: Low blow!

Xena: I'm leaving now you henbane fried loser.

Gabrielle: I don't need you anyway. I have Ephiny and the Amazons.

Gabrielle walked away leaving Callisto and Xena alone.

Callisto: Xena, you're not mad at the part I played in this, are you?

Xena: Of course not. You still mad at me for leaving you in the closet with Velasca?

Callisto: Not really. Can I have a fresh lock of hair? The locks in my closet are getting kind of curled.

Xena: No problem! Anything for my new best friend.

Callisto: This is going to be so cool!!

The End

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