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How in the heck do you disclaim something like this???

Some of you may remember that TZ and I wrote a little story called Hunger together. What you might not know is that while we live on different coasts, we wrote the entire thing "Live". Got to give credit where credit is's all Betsy Book's fault. Yep. Without the Xena Warrior Palace, TZ and I wouldn't have met more formally or strike up a friendship and corrupted hundreds of people. Joke! Don't kill me, Betsy! I have 10 children and a Xena collection to support! *EG*
Seriously though, (that just has to be an oxymoron when in conjunction with either one of us) the Palace, since it's a real time chat environment, allowed us to write Hunger in two sessions (that's not including sending email after email afterwards, going over word preferences and rewriting).

Well, now we’re writing Agony the next one in the series and thought you all might enjoy some...ummm...outtakes. Call them bloopers if you will, or bouts of raging insanity. *VBEG*

This is what happens when two bards, who are both a little loopy to begin with, get together and, with an audience of one to egg them on, write an alt story. All grammatical errors have been left as they were found. This is NOT a skit, but a live conversation and we felt you should see it as it was spewed. *EG* Spelling has been corrected though.

So, this is dedicated to hobbes, who had to put up with both of us numerous times and has the patience of a goddess, but the mind of a sewer...she fits right in. *S*

PS - Yep, there’s alt in them there hills!

A NitWit Guide For Alt Fanfic Collaborators
by Silk and TZ
copyright 1999

We open our little debacle in the midst of an intense scene that our two insane conspirators are creating. Let’s watch the Mistresses of Mayhem work, shall we?

Silk: Like a hummingbird to a flower, I kiss her there, my tongue slipping out and tasting the faint salt on her skin.

Silk: And it comes from her, as faint as my own words before, a moan.

TZ: my loins burst into flame and I fight the urge to overtake her at once.

Silk: LOL

Silk: I was trying to picture it and all of a sudden, I got the WRONG picture

TZ: <raspberry> I’m eating cereal. give me a break <G>

Silk: her laying there trying to douse herself

Silk: with a bucket of water

TZ: that's "Thirst", dear <EG>

hobbes: hehe

Silk: nono...loins burst aflame

Silk: LOL

Silk: *snicker*

Silk: oh gods...

TZ: was not a good idea to drink some milk just then...

Silk: okay, okay...

hobbes: naughty grrrl

Silk: LOL

hobbes: LOL

TZ: cut 'burst into flame'?


TZ: stop laughing... I’ll give myself away in here <G>

hobbes: hehe

Silk: I'm just picturing her running towards the lake, a trail of smoke

Silk: LOL

TZ: that did it...

Silk: hehe

Silk: oh boy

TZ: my biscuits are burnin' ... my biscuits are burnin'

Silk: LOL

hobbes: LMAO

Silk: *coughing*

TZ: ok...

TZ: done giggling?

Silk: OMG...okay, get a grip here

Silk: okay...ready for umm...action

TZ: my loins surged with a primal desire

Silk: smoke signals anyone?

TZ: ??

Silk: hehe

hobbes: behave

TZ: action...

TZ: ok, calm down, and think sex.

hobbes: you know--if you posted one of your sessions--that would entertain people

Silk: *G* I was just thinking that

TZ: I’d be locked up as a lunatic <G>

hobbes: irrelevant comments and the works

Silk: I'd be right there with ya

TZ: hehe

Silk: ok, back to burning parts

hobbes: no smoking section

Silk: hehe

TZ: we're surging with primal desire instead? better, y/n?

Silk: sure

Silk: surging?

hobbes: humming

TZ: thrumming, throbbing

Silk: thrumming

Silk: don't want to be throbbing yet

Silk: *chuckle*

TZ: yeah, we haven't hit the swollen bud yet...

hobbes: hehe

Silk: *EG*

Silk: The making of “Agony”

Silk: a fool's guide to story writing

TZ: where were we? a had b's shift undone, valley of breasts naked?

End Part One gets me. LOL

Part Two of the Insanity of Two Bards and One Voyeur -

We now join our duo in the middle of another creative bout. Let's quietly tiptoe and listen in, shall we?

Silk: So I do what I have no choice in doing and paint her breast with my kisses.

TZ: driven by a force I can no longer control, I return to my feast.

TZ: as my mouth plays upon her responsive mound, my hand captures the other and begins to gently knead

Silk: responsive mound?

Silk: "Hey you! Lick me over here!"

Silk: hehe

TZ: I hate writing good sex scenes


Silk: it's cute

TZ: I need a thesaurus <G>

Silk: just a sec

Silk: bosom, bust, chest, teat, udder...hehe

Silk: her responsive udder

Silk: LOL

TZ: responsive flesh, flushed skin

Silk: that works

Silk: flesh one

TZ: you are terrible... don't make me laugh. now I have pictures of two cows going at it.

Silk: ROFL

Silk: Xena: Warrior Heifer

hobbes: LOL

TZ: Mad Cow Disease by Silk and TZ

Silk: Gabrielle: Amazon Holstein

Silk: we're just too sick

Silk: LOL

TZ: of course, Xena would grow horns just to be butch

Silk: ROFL

Silk: just imagine...

Silk: a cow flipping through the air

TZ: I am...I am <G>

TZ: moowowooowowowoo

Silk: yiyiyiyimoooo

Silk: oh gods...

Silk: LOL

hobbes: *snort* *cough cough*

TZ: I’ve just cut off the flow to your udders, you have thirty seconds to spit out that cud...

Silk: ROFL

hobbes: stop stop!

Silk: who needs a chakram when you have a cowpie?

TZ: <ahem> Mr. TZ is going to start questioning my sanity

Silk: hehe

hobbes: you mean he hasn't yet?

Silk: cowchip I mean

TZ: hey, you can throw them and burn them for that pleasant evening complete with a moooving campfire scene.

Silk: LOL

hobbes: shall I fetch the paddle?

Silk: are my source...of milk

TZ: well, that problem with the centaurs would be solved...

TZ: <deep breaths>

Silk: *calming down*

TZ: <wiping tears from eyes>

Silk: *trying not to picture two cows beating the shit out of a bunch of raiding longhorns*

TZ: where the hell were we?

Silk: TZ: as my mouth plays upon her responsive mound, my hand captures the other and begins to gently knead

TZ: but,'ll be gored... I don't give a damn, Gabrielle. I’m in a mooood to bust some steers.

Silk: LOL

Silk: I have many moos

hobbes: oh God, we've created a monster

hobbes: you two are udderly impossible

TZ: Xena, you can't leave me... I need yoooooo

Silk: Tell me again why I need a steer?

Silk: and then there's the episodes...

Silk: Heifers just wanna have fun

TZ: is there a dairy maid on the farm?

hobbes: cold hands, warm udders

TZ: adventures in the milk trade

Silk: Hoofs, Heifers, and cow patties

Silk: Necessary Milking

hobbes: the mooovers and the milkshakes

Silk: Adventures in the leather trade

Silk: *snicker*

hobbes: have leather, will travel

Silk: Quest...for a milkmaid

TZ: skim milk of the past

Silk: the Milkman AKA the Deliverer

TZ: *groan*

Silk: *EG*

Silk: and it's sequel

Silk: Gabrielle's Calf

hobbes: shooting the bull, cows unite

TZ: but Xena...she's just a calf. that's no calf, Gabrielle. that is a vessel for veal!

Silk: ROFL

TZ: <innocent blink>

Silk: *G*

Silk: We ok?

Silk: hehe

hobbes: what do you call veal? Jailbait

TZ: I’m ok

Silk: that would be Forgiven, hobbes...Tara

hobbes: hehe

Silk: actually, we could call that ep... Tenderizer

TZ: bet Xena had no problem jumping over that moon...

TZ: ah...hickory, dickory, dock..... and the cow jumped over the moon?

Silk: Xena: The Destroyer of Barns

Silk: wrong rhyme, TZ

hobbes: Gabrielle, Amazon Dairy Queen

Silk: that's the mouse one

TZ: hey diddle diddle?

Silk: yep

TZ: diddle...diddle...diddle... hmm.... <EG>

Silk: hey diddle diddle the cat played the fiddle and the cow jumped over the moon

Silk: there's a spoon in there somewhere

TZ: it's consorting with the fork

hobbes: the spoon ran away with the fork

Silk: *snicker*

TZ: the hussy

Silk: ok, back to business?

TZ: I’ll be good <G>

hobbes: responsive mounds


This one gets kinda naughty ;} This is also the last bit we have for you. *G* Come on, say it. You know you want to. All right, I'll say it for you. THANK THE GODS!!!

Silk: exposing the length of her to the night and my hungry eyes.

Silk: stupid balloons haven't caught up yet

TZ: during kiss: our tongues dance to the song that raging in our blood, our rhythm hastens with each passing second.

Silk: k

Silk: sorry, I'm singing right now

Silk: hehe

TZ: I growl deep in my throat and flex my hands as they begin to itch for her.

Silk: I would die for you, by Garbage

TZ: absolutely incredible song

Silk: perfect Xena song

TZ: yup

Silk: works for this story too

TZ: especially those moans <G>

Silk: oh yeahhh

Silk: LOL

Silk: "I will burn for you"

TZ: thrusting in time... ohhh ohhh

TZ: damn...wish I had a copy of that now...

Silk: "your just like me"

Silk: damn...ok...I’m ready

Silk: hehe

TZ: I would kill for you...beg and steal for you... I would crawl on hands and knees for you

Silk: "I would kill for you...I will steal for you...I'd do time for you...I will wait for you...I make room for you..

Silk: I'd sail ships for be close to be part of you...cause I believe in you

TZ: I’d die for you.... (additional moans)

Silk: I believe in you...I would die you

Silk: oh yeah

Silk: *sigh* all done

Silk: *S*

Silk: ok, where were we?

Silk: hehe

TZ: hehe... good. now I have to resist turning version 2.0 on <G>

Silk: *EG*

Silk: well, at least it was better than cows

Silk: hehe

hobbes: hehe

Silk: I would leak for you...I would eat grass for you..

Silk: I will chew my cud for you

TZ: I’d moo for you... give milk for you... I’d chew my cud ... blah blah blah

Silk: I will be a steak for you

Silk: hehe

Silk: sorry

TZ: lol@silk

Silk: me bad

hobbes: bad bad bad

hobbes: rump anyone?

Silk: LOL

TZ: Muber X&G sex scene - a rump hump

Silk: LOL

hobbes: *groan*-


Silk: hehe

TZ: dammit, Xena... we can't do a 69... I can't lay on my back like that.

Silk: rarely see those in ff

Silk: okay...seriously now

TZ: I growl deep in my throat and flex my hands as they begin to itch for her.

TZ: I like rump humps... ever read Getting It Right <EG>

hobbes: can you see Xena with a strap on as a cow?

Silk: roflmao

Silk: yes, I have TZ...I think

Silk: hehe

Silk: and a strap on for cows...that’s scary

TZ: hobbes! what would this strap on be made of??

Silk: at least they aren't elephants though

Silk: cowhide...all natural of course


hobbes: hehe

TZ: ok...

Silk: or we could just borrow from Katrina and have them use their tails

Silk: "quit swatting me, Xena!"

hobbes: hehe

Silk: *cough* sorry

TZ: cowtails are kind of on the limpy side...

Silk: *grins wickedly*

TZ: "oh, gods, Xena... I love how you whip me...

Silk: LOL

TZ: with your tail."

Silk: I can see a great come-on line

Silk: "Xena...kiss me, let's swap cud"

TZ: gab's patron goddess would be Artemoos

Silk: *EG*

hobbes: ewwww

Silk: *VBEG*

hobbes: got milk Xena?

TZ: spare me the pictures <EG>

hobbes: LOL

Silk: Mmmmm

TZ: "Gabrielle... you're so full of milk."

Silk: LOL

TZ: "It's all for you, Xena. Only you make me lactate so much."

Silk: *snicker*

TZ: imagine... instead of one swollen bud...there'd be eight swollen udders... whooo hoooo

Silk: hehe

Silk: Ok...

Silk: TZ: I growl deep in my throat and flex my hands as they begin to itch for her.

TZ: I want to ravage her now to ease this torture my body and soul have endured.

And THAT dear viewers is the end of this week's episode of Wild America. Stay tuned next week for...

TZ: Milk Dud, anyone? Oh wait, that’s Joxer Cow story and we don’t do those.

The End



Silk: It was all your fault!

TZ: HA! You’re the one who started it!

Silk: Four words, TZ... “Loins burst into flame”

TZ: *mutter*

Silk: Shouldn’t that be udder? *EG*

TZ ~

TZ: I cud-da been a serious bard.

Silk: One word - thesaurus.

TZ: Thesaurus? Was it a meat-eater or veggiesaur?

Silk: <sigh> Now I know why you're the NIT

Novice in Training
Sleep? What's sleep?

Warlord in Training
Have Katiepult. Will toss cow in India for free.
“Bard? Where? Do we act like bards? Don’t answer that.”

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