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Attention Shoppers

By JadeCB © 1999

Disclaimers: Xena: Warrior Princess and company belong to MCA/Universal. All characters are owned by them. Them. Not me.

There is a naughty word in this story. If naughty words bother you, skip this. If weird stories that don't make that much sense bother you, skip this. If the idea of Xena and Ares being together makes you sick...well then puke. Do you hear me? Puke. Otherwise, er, enjoy!

This is meant to be funny....ya know, just...chill.

A chilled breeze alerted her to his presence.

"What do you want, Ares?"

"What I've always wanted." He said, appearing before her in a flash of blue light.

A voice rang over an intercom. "Blue light special. Holiday wrapping paper, aisle two. Ninety percent off."

"You wanted gift wrap?" Xena's eyes narrowed. "I wanted gift wrap."

"Once again--" the voice interrupted, "That was a blue light special, aisle two, holiday wrapping paper, ninety percent off."

They somersaulted at the same time, Xena landing at the blue light before him. She grabbed all the gift wrap and headed toward the check out.

Ares materialized before her. "That's my gift wrap Xena."

Snort. "Huh, it's mine now. And at ninety nine percent off, so there!"

"I can't believe you're doing this to me." Ares said, looking sullen.

"Who's your gift for?" Xena asked.

Ares shuffled his feet and watched as the man before Xena sheepishly paid for a box of tampons and some fishing bait, hoping that there wouldn't be any pricing problems.

"I can't say." Ares said, stamping his feet impatiently. "Who's your gift for?"

"Price check on tampons, please. That's price check on tampons." The cashier said over the intercom. The man blushed and tried to make himself appear smaller but to no avail.

Xena grinned evilly. "Oh, I can't tell you that."

"Does that mean you bought me that rifle like I wanted?"

"If I told you that would ruin the surprise."

"Well it is my three thousandth birthday. You only turn that once, you know."

"Yes, and it's my..." Xena trailed off, watching as the man before her finally paid for his products.

"Twenty ninth birthday, I know." He smirked.

Xena stuck out her tongue. "Ya only turn it once, ya know. Old man."

"I resent that." Ares replied, stroking his sideburns.

"Maybe I should get you a wheel chair and a box of depends, huh?"


The cashier turned to Xena, "Hi, how are you today?"

"I'm just fine..." Xena squinted at the young lady's name tag. "Gabrielle. How are you?"

"Great. You know, working here and all." Gabrielle rolled her eyes and looked at Ares. Mmmm, delicious.

Ares, still stroking his sideburns, wondered how Xena got her basket at the checkout so fast after the blue light special.

Xena put her items on the counter, looking at Gabrielle with trepidation. The little shit had better not do a price check.

Gabrielle watched the woman (she would've looked, but since the lady wasn't an employee she didn't come with a nifty "please don't tell on me, this isn't really my name" nametag) as she unloaded her basket.

Ares smiled seductively at Gabrielle. Gabrielle sighed, then looked toward what was in Ares' hands. It was perfect! Ooh, bingo! She didn't know why, but for some reason she wanted to hurt this woman, she wanted to hurt her for ever squinting at her nametag and going through her register!

Ares placed the items with Xena's stuff. As it was, she had her face stuck in an issue of the National Enquirer. Too into an article about the Jacksons, Xena never looked his way.

Gabrielle hesitantly put her hand on her phone. No, she shouldn't. She really shouldn't. Oh, but she had to! Hitting intercom she said clearly, "Price check, F.D.S. feminine spray and tampons!"

Xena's face went stark white. She turned and glared at Ares.

"That was not funny." Turning back to Gabrielle, she said "I don't want those. I have no clue how they got in my basket."

Biting her lip to keep from laughing, Gabrielle put the items under her counter.

"Hey, weren't you the woman who bought a rifle from here a few weeks ago?"

Xena groaned. "No, you must have the wrong person."

"She bought a rifle?" Ares asked, his interest piqued.

"A really nice one. Said it was for some hunk of a God's birthday."

"No way! She said that?"


"I'm going to get you fired!" Xena said angrily, paying "Gabrielle" and leaving. Ares waved her good bye as she walked toward the service desk.

"Hi there, how are you doing today?" Gabrielle screamed in her mind. Gods, she hated saying that over and over again.

"I'm a God. I'm good all the time, baby."

"Uh, okay." Gabrielle looked through his items, searching for anything she might be able to use as a weapon.

"So, when do you get off work?" Another seductive smile. "I'd really like to do the blue light special with you."

Gabrielle looked at him blankly. "Wasn't that your girlfriend?"

"No, no, I don't know her at all."

Ah ha! Gotcha! Quicker than the eye could see, Gabrielle grabbed her phone, pushed intercom and yelled out, "Price check, Hemorrhoid Creme and Jockey underwear, the tight fit, for men!"

Ares clutched his heart. "That was low! I--" Ares licked his lips as he slowly caressed her nametag, "Real low, Gaaa-brielle. I like you."

Xena pushed her basket back to Gabrielle's register, and grabbed Ares by the ear. "Let's go."

Gabrielle raised her eyebrow. "Thought she wasn't your girlfriend?"

"Um. Ouch, Xena!"

"Come on, Ares. Now."

"Can't I at least pay for my Scrabble game?"


Whine. "Xena."

Glare. "No."

Whine. "Please?"

Glare. "No."

Ares pouted, but followed Xena out the automatic doors.

Xena groaned when Ares got on the mechanical horse.

"Xena, you got a quarter?"


"Now, Xena!"

"Look, are we going to have another argument? The last therapist said we couldn't stay together if you kept this up."

"Hey, just because I want what Borias got doesn't mean we're not a good couple."

"Borias and I weren't in front of a department store on a kiddy ride!"

"And that stops you why?"

"You disgust me."

"I hate you."

"I hate you, too."

"Want to get married?"


The End

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