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Arguing on the Ides

By JadeCB
(c) 1999

Disclaimers: This is a parody. It has major spoilers for "The Ides of March" as well as a few for "Paradise Found," and "Crusader."

Insensitive Jerk Disclaimer: I will admit I am more than insensitive in this! This is, as I said--a parody!!

The two crosses were close, perhaps too close.

"Xena," Gabrielle managed, "When I said I loved you..."

Xena perked up (as much as she could, dying and all), "Yes?" she asked, smiling despite her overwhelming urge to hurl.

"I..I didn't mean it." Gabrielle turned her head so she wouldn't have to face Xena.

"What?! I mean, when you said you loved me, it did sound a little different from the vision. It wasn't as---" she broke off.

"As what?" The sometimes non-violent, sometimes too violent bard questioned.

"It wasn't, wasn't as whiny, Gabrielle."

"What?! I wasn't whiny enough?"

"You just said you don't love me. So I guess you loved me in the vision, and didn't in real life."

"Excuse me, we're dying and I just revealed something staggering and emotionally gut-wrenching, and all you can say is my 'I love you, Xena' wasn't whiny enough?"

"That's right. In the vision it was more of an" Xena paused and drew a deep, very painful (yet oddly ticklish) breath, "'I loooove YOU, Xeeeenah' type of thing. Totally not with the lack of emotion shown here. Case dismissed."

"You can't just dismiss me Xena. I'm right beside you, on a cross, dying because of you."

Xena looked at Gabrielle shocked. "Oh, so now this is my fault?!"

"Well, I was under the impression that Caesar was your old leg-breaking flame, not mine."

"So it's my fault. That's nice."

Callisto watched them from the ground.

"I think you're right, Gabrielle. It is Xena's fault! I blame her for everything!" she yelled up to them.

"Don't you have to go burn in hell or something?" Xena yelled down to her old nemesis.

"Oddly enough, there's no fire down there."

"Smoke?" Gabrielle wondered, "There has to at least be smoke."

Callisto sighed. "No, Satan has made Hell a non-smoking environment. I think he has bad lungs and doesn't want to tell anyone. No smoke, no fire, no skinny dipping in the bubbling cauldron of flesh, no feeding Zoso with our mortal enemies, no parties past midnight, and most importantly...."

"What?" Xena asked, intrigued.

"Absolutely no massaging his horns." Callisto finished.

"Bummer." Xena said softly.

"Hey, Callisto! I know you killed my husband and all, but if I said thanks would you get me down from here? I want to go build a hospice with some chick who's in a coma. I'm sure if I give her a kiss she'll wake up. It worked with Xena."

Xena snorted. "No, you were kissing me when I woke up. I was calling you 'Borias' and you were saying 'Jes, dat ees me, Seena.' I'm still upset with you over that."

Looking at Xena with narrowed eyes, the bard flexed and moved her hand muscles painfully, managing to do what she thought was impossible.

Giving Gabrielle the look, Xena asked, "Are you flipping me off?" Suspicious glare. "You are, aren't you? You're on a cross, your hands are nailed, and you're flipping me off!"

From the ground Callisto giggled like a maniac. "Oh, I'm so glad I vowed I'd stay till you both dropped dead!"

Xena looked down at Callisto. "You want some of this, Smokey?"

Callisto's maniac look disappeared and was replaced with a pout. "I don't appreciate your thinly veiled jabs at my burning family, Xena."

"I don't appreciate you taking her side! Of all people!" Xena focused all of her energy on her hands, ignoring the pain, and gave Gabrielle the two fingered salute.

Gabrielle gasped. "I'm so sorry I didn't leave with Joxer like I had planned."

"This certainly is chock-full of truths I'd rather not know." Callisto said. She decided to try some powers, seeing if she had any, aside from being sword proof and ultra fast. Hey! She could fly! Flying up to be face-to-face with her most hated foes, she sat down on some thin air and got comfortable for the show.

Xena wiggled a little to see if she could move around. "And what was all that yoga, flower sniffing crap you were going on about?"

"I'm not talking to you. Don't you have something you want to kill? Maybe a few of your closest friends or something?"

"Good one!" Callisto said, adding her two dinars.

Xena realized she had a good weapon she hadn't used yet. "When I said you had hands like a sailor--I meant it."

Amarice looked at Eli expectantly.

"What?" He asked.

"Aren't we going to save them?"

"I'd rather not. Let's run, shall we? I'm much better at doing that. From dogs, evil Gods and the like."

"I didn't think it's possible, but I think I hate you more than I originally did." Amarice thought about it for a moment, "But you know, I'm not overly fond of Gabrielle, either. Xena's pretty cool, but she likes Gabrielle so I don't think we'll save her. Let's run!"

Brutus watched Caesar fall to the floor. Having been stabbed a few dozen times, Caesar was dead. And it wasn't pretty. For a moment he wondered at the lack of blood, but then decided that didn't matter, as long as he was dead. Debating about killing the rest of the senate and stealing all of Rome's money, he placed his dagger on a nearby table. Nah, he couldn't kill the whole senate, could he? It was an idea....maybe while they were sleeping.

Looking down at the face of his onetime hero, he kicked him a few times, half-expecting the dead Roman Nobleman to jump up and order him crucified. The senate, made up of old Roman men who spent way too much time in white robes for his taste, clapped him on wildly.

"Kick him again!" someone yelled.

Brutus shrugged and kicked the corpse again. "I want his body burned." he told them. "I want his body burned, I want his head cut off, and I want to make sure he can never, ever, eat anyone's brains again!"

The senate stared, then clapped their hands in a frenzy, and began to kick their onetime respected leader.

Brutus left the palace to see if he was too late to save Gabrielle. He thought she was kind of cute, even if she did talk too much. Maybe he could save her. Then again, if she was dead, he thought, no big loss there.

Brutus came upon the crosses. There was a woman he didn't know, sitting in thin air, alternating between pinching Gabrielle on the nose painfully, and smacking her numerous times. She was yelling, "Does this feel good, huh? Do you think Joxer likes it? Yeah, didn't think so, crybaby."

"Xena, Gabrielle, I'm here to save you." He said. What was that? Brutus squinted. They were! How utterly rude! They were flipping him off.

"You're kind of late, Brutus." Xena said sarcastically.

"What makes you think I'll let you save them?" Callisto asked, chomping down on her new favorite snack--snowflakes.

"Well, because you're starting to disappear, flicker, and lose your nice seat in the sky."

A huge rumbling sound could be heard, as a hairline crack began in the snowy ground beneath them. In less than a moment the crack opened into a huge smoke-free, fireless pit.

Satan, complete with a red hot pitchfork, peeked up over the crack. His horns were glowing, and he coughed pitifully.

Brutus wondered how it was he hadn't pissed his pants yet.

Satan realized he had forgotten something. Ducking back into the pit and grabbing what he had forgotten, he jumped out of the crack to land in front of Xena and Gabrielle.

"He looks like Bacchus." Gabrielle whined. "I hated Bacchus."

"His makeup's better." Xena said, checking him out.

Satan cleared his throat and then zapped Callisto out of the air. Standing beside him, Callisto snarled, "But I want to watch them die! You can't take that from me, you big giant wuss!"

Nonchalantly, Satan threw Callisto into the pit. "What a pain in the ass she is." He said in a voice that reminded both women of Vidalis. "So not a lady!" Looking down into the pit, he yelled, "And do my dishes while you're at it, ya worthless piece of blonde fluff!"

"Hi, excuse me, Satan was it? I don't like the term blonde fluff, okay? Could you try not to use it in the future?" Gabrielle asked him.

"I'll try dear. Dreadfully sorry." Satan rolled his eyes, and looked at Xena. "Could you do me a teeny tiny little favor?" he asked.

"What? What is it? Kill someone? If you haven't noticed I'm nailed to a cross so get on with it!"

"I was wondering if it were possible for you to just lay down your sword and be mine. So would you? Would you put down your sword and allow me to suck out your soul and burp you up later? Please? I would be so grateful."

"Look, normally I'd be flattered. But I have to be this mother of peace lady in the future. So, I just can't. You should've looked me up a few years ago, I would've loved you then!"

Satan sniffled. "Sorry, I kind of lost track of you. Very well then, I guess I'll leave you two alone."

Satan started to make his way back to the pit, but turned back and looked at Xena with huge, sad eyes. "I really hate my job. I like you a little though. So, I got you a new chakram. Hope you don't mind. And..well," He snapped his fingers and a bouquet of black flowers, a small dismembered teddy bear, and a box of chocolates in the shape of a skull appeared. "I really hope I'll see you again. Some day." Sniffle. "Will you at least come and visit?"

Xena sighed. "Fix my back and I'll visit you once, but just once. And don't let it get around."

Satan looked up at her gleefully. "Thanks!" With a snap of his fingers, her back felt better.

Getting a small part of what he wanted, Satan made his tail stick straight up, to show that he was happy. He looked at Gabrielle, "See you in about ten years, babe."

Gabrielle flipped Satan off, making him jump back into the pit with a huff.

"What a jerk." she said, shivering a little.

"Caesar's dead. He got stabbed by the entire senate. I have to go oversee the head cutting and heart staking." Brutus started to walk off.

"Aren't you going to save us?" Xena hollered.

"Well, I was going to, but now I'm not so sure."

Xena growled, making him stop in his tracks. "Fine. Fine, I'll save you, but you both have to promise not to eat my brains."

Xena groaned. "I promise!"

Snort. "I don't."


"What? I don't!"

Brutus looked at Gabrielle nervously. Pointing an accusing finger at her (suspiciously not his middle one), he said, "I knew it! I knew she was a brain eater! Has none of her own so she has to eat everyone else's! I refuse! I refuse to save you!"

"See what you did, Gabrielle? Just couldn't say you wouldn't, could you?"

"I am a little hungry." Gabrielle said, her stomach voicing its opinion on the matter. "So is Najara."

Xena looked at Gabrielle, aghast. "You didn't!"

"Okay, right before your fight with her, I grabbed a spoon and took a taste...of her brains. Mmnn. And you thought she was in a self-induced coma! Huh!"

"You're gross!"

Brutus finally managed to get Xena down off of her cross. He looked at her intently before flicking her eyelid with a finger.

"What was that for?" she asked.

"You had this snowflake on your eyelid and it was really annoying me." he answered, quite serious.

Xena decided to use her appearance for her. Marching toward Brutus with her arms extended in front of her, she looked at him vacantly, "I' NEED BRAINS!"

"Yaaah!" Brutus let loose with a girlie scream. "Don't do that!"

From her cross Gabrielle groaned. "Would you two stop playing around, you're making me even more hungry!"

Together they looked at Gabrielle.

"Should we save her?"

"I suppose." Xena said, sniffling.

"Damn right you're going to save me!"

Later, over tea, Xena looked at Gabrielle, searching her eyes for something.

"What? You've been staring at me for an hour!" Gabrielle exclaimed, covering her eyes.

"You weren't serious about Najara's brains, wanting to leave with her, and that Joxer thing, were you?" she asked, worried.

"No. But I do know about you and Ares." Gabrielle picked up her backpack (specially designed by Xena), opened it, fished around, and threw something at Xena.

Xena looked at her, guiltily. "Where did you find it?"

"Hooked on your breastplate, you hussy."

Cramming the God of War's earring into her cleavage, Xena laughed. "Truce? Do you love me again?" she asked, "Even just a little?"

Gabrielle thought about it. Leaving with Joxer wasn't an option, he just couldn't take her snoring. Najara, well, she was in a coma, she certainly wouldn't mind her snoring, but wouldn't be much help in a hospice. That left the comfort of her friend, who could take her snoring, her bi-polar condition and the random killing right after her three month pledge of non-violence. Yep, she loved Xena! And Gabrielle herself could overlook a few God of War munchies.

With a huge, scary psycho smile, Gab replied, "I loooooove YOU, Xeeeeenah!"

And with that, Xena knew everything was going to be all right.

The End

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