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Xena: Warrior Princess, and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess, together with the names, titles are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction.

NOTE: All works remain the © copyright of the original author. These may not be republished without the author's consent.

This story may be best classified as a Hurt/Comfort Story involving the characters Xena: Warrior Princess and Gabrielle. Readers who are disturbed by or sensitive to this type of issue may wish to read something other than this story.

This story depicts a love/sexual relationship between two consenting adult women. If you are under 18 years of age or if this type of story is illegal in the state or country in which you live, please do not read it. If depictions of this nature disturb you, you may wish to read something other than this story.

COMMENTS: If you read Where Water Falls and The Widow, both stories make reference to the geography of their secret place. Shush! Don’t tell anyone! Probably falls in the time frame of after If The Shoe Fits If you care to make comments or just want to chat, please feel free to do so.


Love Is No Practical Joke
August 1999



There is nothing funnier than a great practical joke, unless you’re on the receiving end of it. Gabrielle was going to get Xena if it was the last thing she did before heading off to the Elysian Fields. Timing was everything and planning was the foundation for foolishness.

What to do to her, what to do? The Bard scratched her head to get a fire started. I could stand up on the bed and scream at the top of my lungs, while she was still asleep. ………..she’d kill me, for real! Maybe I could loosen the hitch on her saddle and when she put her foot in the stirrup she’d fall on her butt! No! Argo might spook or do something that could get her hurt. Then there’s the old fire in the barn trick, with a sack full of burning horse manure. That would be a riot to watch the Warrior Princess stomping out……..She probably wouldn’t talk to me for a week.

"I’m bored! I need to get something going and start some action so I can fill a new scroll." The Bard mumbled to herself.

Standing on the edge of the river just outside of their cave, Gabrielle worked her moves with the staff. Speed and accuracy were essential to be good with the staff. There were also many sets and combinations of moves that needed to be practiced. This was all well and fine but Gabrielle was not in the mood for discipline, rather she wanted to goof around. Her target was Xena but she just couldn’t come up with the right plan yet.

It had been a couple of moons since they did the mud pit at the Amazon village. It was a big success with all the training Amazon’s as well as the significant leaders. This was a wonderful addition to the obstacle course and a prime tension reliever. This was old stuff and being the Queen of the Amazon’s, Gabrielle felt she needed to be creative every so often. Xena was always a great help in testing these new ideas on; however, the Queen was coming up empty handed!

Hmmm! Tension reliever. I have a great idea for a tension reliever Xena! I need to get you into the crazy position that we tried a couple of days ago. Tough on the bench though! Ha!

The Warrior had gone out to get some meat for dinner. They had been up at the cave for three days and life was sweet. This was their time to bond sexually and spiritually. It was a time for healing external wounds and even a few internal abrasions. Xena had been gone for close to two candlemarks and that made Gabrielle’s mind a playground for mischief. She walked around the inside of the cave and kicked at a piece of wood. The Bard took a drink from the internal stream that ran along the edge of the inside of the cave, which was spring fed from deep within the earth. She looked around and hummed softly to herself. Her eyes got wide and a dirty smile came across those pink lips as her teeth shone bright.

"That’s it!" She said with a renewed enthusiasm. Running over to the shelf, which was no more than a long depression in the rock wall, she picked up a half of an arrow that had been sitting there so long she couldn’t remember why. It was the half with the feathers and the nock. She went over to the food stores and took a hand full of raspberries, crushed them in a bowl. Taking the mess in the bowl with one hand and the arrow half in the other, she moved outside and lay down on the rocks next to the water waiting.

Her wait wasn’t too long as Argo and the Warrior came from across the river. Xena’s eye caught the Bard lying on the ground and she screamed, "Gabrielle! Oh gods, no!" She jumped off of Argo and came running up to her in total panic.

Gabrielle’s body started shaking as she tried to keep her composure, then the lids opened on those green eyes and she started laughing as she got to her feet. That’s when Xena lost it and slapped her across the face. "Smack!"

"Don’t you ever do anything that stupid to me again!" Xena cursed. "Damn Hades! What in the world were you……"

The Bard stood there for a brief moment in total shock, holding her face. She ran from her sight under the waterfall and into the cave, tears pouring out of those eyes that just a moment ago were filled with fun and mischief. She never said a word, just dove into her bearskin and wept bitterly. Xena was still angry and she stayed outside the cave for a considerable time, jamming a branch into the ground as she sat on a rock steaming. A candlemark had passed and Xena’s rage came down to a level to where she could think again.

What was she thinking of? I thought she was badly wounded or maybe dead. I knew I shouldn’t have slapped her after I did it but it was just a raw reaction to my shock. I love her so much, that I don’t know how I’d live without her. I’d better go talk to her. Maybe I should wait? No! The longer I wait the worse it will get.

Xena tossed the branch into the water and began the long journey in to apologize. The two pheasants were field dressed, so Xena brought them along and dropped them on a boulder inside the cave that they used as a preparation table. It was right next to the little stream that probably made their home one of the first homes with running water.

The Warrior walked up to the side of the bed where Gabrielle was lying on the bearskin and nudged her hand asking, "Are you all right?"

There was no response, so Xena kneeled down next to the Bard, trying again. "Please talk to me my friend. I’m not good at apologizing but I’m trying to change." Xena pleaded.

"Listen Gabrielle." Xena said in a soft voice filled with love and remorse. "I didn’t mean to slap you but I was so scared that you were dead. I wouldn’t be able to live my life without you; do you know that? I want us to grow old together laughing away the hours or contemplating the why’s of the world."

The Bard looked up at Xena with a red mark on her cheek and said, "The wise of the world? You mean like the prophets, priests and shamans?"

"No, silly! The why’s, like why can birds fly and why don’t fish drowned and why do I love you so much? Look at your cheek, it’s all red." And Xena’s eyes began to pool as the tear ran down her cheeks. "I’m so sorry my love. I would never do anything intentional to hurt you."

The Warrior removed her armor, wrist guards; sword and chakram then wet a cloth in the cool running water and placed it on her sweetheart’s cheek. Gabrielle rolled over on her back, holding onto the damp cloth.

"Xena, I know you didn’t try to hurt me. I was being foolish, jumping around here trying to figure out a practical joke to pull on you. I never guessed that it would have been taken so seriously by you. I guess I forget sometimes how much you love me." Then Gabrielle ran her fingers through Xena’s raven hair and caressed the side of her face. The Warrior’s big blue eyes sparkled by the contact when all of the sudden the Bard gave her a little slap. Xena’s eyes popped wide and they both started to laugh. Then it got quiet again.

"Make love to me Xena, it will help make the hurt go away."

The Warrior sat on the bed, which was a large stone landing, knee high off of the floor and big enough to hold two full bearskins. The smoke curled up through a natural shaft in the ceiling from the fire burning three strides from the bed. Xena pulled her boots off, stood up and walked over to the woodpile, throwing several more pieces of wood on the burning pile to take the chill out of the air. When she turned around Gabrielle had removed everything except her breeches. The Warrior took off her leathers and hung them on a small tree they had cut down and trimmed the branches back to about a hands width from the trunk. This made a nice place to hang things up on and was braced between a low spot in the caves ceiling and the floor.

She walked over to where Gabrielle had heated some water earlier and washed up a little even though the water had cooled some. She felt more refreshed and in the mood for some contact. Moving over to the bed, the shadows and flames light danced across her naked body. Two green eyes were transfixed on her every move. Xena had quite the physique and it was a pleasure for her lover to watch her fluid motion in her natural state.

"OK, you’ve moved around enough to arouse me. Come settle down over here." Gabrielle scolded gently.

The blue eyes locked onto their target and the Warrior approached but as a lover. She pushed Gabrielle’s hair back away from her face and moved her own face close enough to feel her partners breath. Their eyes focused on each other, lips parted slightly and they came together easily in order to feel that first contact of flesh against flesh. Lips swollen all ready from being worked up meshed, as the tongues felt each other’s out, bonding again. Their juices mingled and the loving began much like a musician begins to create a melody. Each and every move each touch, another note until there are many notes. The Bard broke free and kissed her lovers neck, sending chills up and down her spine, then kissed her once again. They reclined on the bearskin and the song continued. Gabrielle ran the tip of her tongue across the very top of Xena’s nipple, feeling the texture and the life in it, at it rose to meet her. She slipped it into her mouth and darted her tongue around and around, causing a soft moan to escape the lips of her soulmate. Xena was wet and waiting with great anticipation for her lover to continue on down. Blonde hair sliding over Xena’s breasts made the Warrior squirm as her lover placed soft kisses on her stomach, running her hand along the inside of her thigh. The Warrior spread her legs easy and the Bard ran her fingers ever so slowly over the dark hair that covered that special place. Slowly she worked just one finger into the wetness that told her she was wanted. Removing the finger, she placed it in her mouth and sucked it clean. "Mmmm! So good!" Gabrielle said as she moved on. Next she moved her mouth to where the heat was rising and kissed and toyed with the opening then moved her tongue into the warmth while the flowing juices ran down her chin. Moving to the nerve center, she worked her tongue to that special place where everything came together. She could feel the smooth inner flesh that craved to be licked and fondled with that educated muscle she used to create the fire. Gabrielle tried to go slow but the fever had them both in harmony as she brought Xena to climax.

The Bard rolled over as Xena tried to regain her breathing and they rested in each other’s arms awhile. A quarter of a candlemark passed and Xena began to talk, "You know Gabrielle, when we first met I liked you and the way you handled yourself. You had energy in the way you talked, your body language, everything about you drew me to you or at least opened the door to let you in. So I thought, ‘Why not let her come with me?’ As time passed between us and the moons rolled by, I would have periods where I would say to myself, ‘why have her keep tagging along? She talks too much!’ I never had an answer, even when we got to hate each other because of what my past life had done to me. There was so much crap, which still returned to haunt and torment me. But you stayed through it all, when I was too blind to see how much you cared. My single mindedness and blind rage for Caesar cost us both dearly with losses that could never be regained."

Xena stopped for a time to regain her composure, as a vision of Solon jumping from a tree to surprise her, filled her mind. Gabrielle struggled too, thinking of Hope but more in the way of what might have been if it was possible that Hope had been a child conceived in love. She said nothing as a tear fell off of her cheek to the bearskin she was lying on.

Continuing, Xena said, "Through all of our experiences together both good and bad, no matter how angry I have gotten with you, I have never stopped loving you Gabrielle. What I found in you took away all of the wanting of each and every man or woman out there, who could give me their body for a night, week or whatever way I could use them to manipulate life to my benefit. I found a connection in you as a friend, as a partner and as a lover. If ever your heart grows cold for me, it would cause me the greatest of pains that I cannot even imagine. But loving you as I do, know that if you would need to walk a different path from the one we travel together, then I would be powerless to stop you. I can only give you my love; I can’t make you give it back. When I hold you and touch you, when I put my head to your chest and hear your heart beat, I know that we are real. When we laugh together over the silly things that happen spontaneously throughout our day, it waters my heart. When we have shared the sudden sadness of someone’s death, like when we lost Terreis, I have felt our souls weave a tighter bond."

Xena leaned up on one elbow and looked Gabrielle in those deep green eyes and said, "Please don’t ever leave me my love."

Gabrielle’s eyes glistened with tears that were getting ready to leave their home and told the Warrior, "I love you Xena. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes I don’t like you or what you have made a choice to do but I always love you. You’re my Warrior and I’m your Bard. I know that there have been times in our relationship that we found comfort in another person, whether it was an extra long kiss and a hug or maybe a deeper commitment. I also know that what happened to you and your life in the past is something that we do not have the power to change. And even if the gods granted such things as we know they do from time to time, I would stay as I have with all our memories. They make up who we are, they tell our story. "

The Bard sat up and looked Xena in the eyes and smiled saying, "Where ever our paths lead, I hope and pray that they will remain together always but if they split apart for whatever unknown reason, I will always love you Xena."

The Warrior stood up and placed a couple of small logs on the fire and returned to the bed.

"How’s your cheek feel sweetheart? I bet it doesn’t hurt as much as my heart does?" Xena tried to lighten the conversation.

"I’ll be fine my love. It was a good reminder of who is the Warrior! I was really foolish for doing what I did to you Xena. Love is no practical joke!"

It was just getting dark and Xena began to fill the bucket from the stream. It would take about ten to twelve trips but the bath would be worth it. While she took care of heating the water, Gabrielle prepared the pheasants, along with some fresh fruit, carrots, and white radishes for dinner. The two women, each in their own mind thought of the days events and how important it was to open their hearts to each other. Xena pondered, I can never be so angry as to turn my back on Gabrielle or our garden will be overcome with weeds.

As Gabrielle mused, I sometimes forget that what we have is sacred.

Outside, a lone falcon flew over their retreat keeping watch. This was the place that Borias had left them and Gabrielle had so wonderfully named, ‘Home.’


The End

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