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Disclaimers: Ok..errmm..Xena and Gabrielle are owned by MCA/Universal/Renaissance, but they've come over to my house for a little vacation. This little bit o fun is for non-profit. Umm..what else? Subtext~ You decide.

by Silk
© 1998


"Honestly? A little to the left please."


"What? No. No. Your other left."

"Oh, nothing."

"Mmmm... that's better. Now put it in. Nice and slow."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Gabrielle, no offense, but you could be a little more enthusiastic."

"This enthusiastic enough for you?!"

"OW! Will you kindly remember that there's someone at the receiving end of that thing, please?"

"Sorry. I'm just..."

"Pull it out. I think I need the bigger one."

"Hold on. This one?"

"Yes. It should do the trick. Put it in. Slowly and gently this time."

"Yeah. Yeah. Slowly. Gently."

"Ooooo... this is much better. You were saying?"

"I was just saying that I don't see the point in all of this. It's a bit complicated just for..."

"You just wait until you try it. OK. Push it in and out a few times."

"Like this?"

"Yep. Ahhh...much better."

"Glad I'm useful for something."

"What was that?"

"Oh nothing."

"OK, stop. Just leave it in all the way and..."

"What about the other hole?"

"Hmm...I almost forgot about that. Put the smaller one in. Just be careful."


"Ooo...that's good. I'm glad you're here, Gabrielle. This just wouldn't be the same without you."

"Thanks. It's nice to know..."

"Twist it."

"Excuse me?"

"The little one. Twist it."

"I don't see what that's going to accomplish."


"Oh. All right."

"Ahhh... almost there. Now give me your hand. Hold your fingers right here. Don't move. I'll do all the work."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Will you stop that! I'm telling you you're going to love this. I got the idea from something I saw in Aphrodite's Temple."

"Whatever you say, Xena. You do seem to be... skillful at this."

"You just have to know how to put your mind to something. It's not really all that complicated."

"Aphrodite, hmm? Well I guess I'll give it a try after your done. When are you going to be finished anyway?"

"In a minute. Almost... Oohh.. this is going to be great! HEY! Did you move your fingers?"

"Me? No."


"Ok. Ok. Jeez... just a little. My hand is cramping."

"You have to pay attention. One wrong move and we'll have to start all over again."

"Fingers still. Mouth shut. Got it."

"Perfect. Now all I have to do is... Ahhhaaaa!! That's it!! OH YES!!"

"Can I have my fingers back now?"

"Hmmm? Oh sure."

"Nice smirk."


"You seem mighty pleased with yourself."

"I couldn't have done it without you, Gabrielle. You know that."

"Yeah. Yeah. At least we know a sidekick's good for something."


"Well what?"

"I thought you wanted to try this."

"I do, but..."

"But what?"

"I'm not going to do it with you standing there."


"Give me a break here, Xena. I think I know what I'm doing. Just push this in and out right?"

"Yes, but..."

"Look. I can't get anything accomplished with you staring at me like that."

"But..." *sigh* "Fine. I'll wait outside. Tell me how well it works ok?"

"I'm sure it will be fine. Now stop moping."

"I'm a warrior. I don't mope."

"Riiiggghhhttt. Not moping. Got it. Now will you get out of here so I can use...what is this thing called again."

"I'm calling it a toilet."

"Hmm...will wonders never cease. At least I get to be the first one to use it."

"Just as long as you're satisfied."

"I'm sure I will be."


"Xena?" Pause. "Xena?! Where's the parchment?!"



The End



Sooo... how many groans did I get? That a two or three groaner? Hehe.. I know I'm supposed to be on vacation from ff, but it's not like this is a story or anything. Just drivel.

Xena: Warrior Plumber

Open 24 Candlemarks a day

This is actually sort of a companion piece to "Harder Please", but I couldn't disclaim that because it would spoil my fun;}

Have Katiepult! We're planning on sacking Hera's temples, now that she's gone, for a bit of fun. Care to join me?
"Bard? Where? Didn't you read the 'Gone Pillaging' sign?"
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