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by Danae

The characters of Xena: Warrior Princess are owned by MCA Pictures and used here without permission. Much of what I have written below is a take-off or spoof of another’s work. I have done my best to give credit where credit is due. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this foolishness.

This collection of absurdity contains adult themes of a sexual nature.

Feedback is welcome at

NOTE: For most of the second and third seasons of Xena: Warrior Princess, some dear friends/bards and I have attempted to entertain one another with our own XWP literary creations, which we have exchanged privately. What you will find here is a assortment of some of my efforts. Like Gabrielle’s varied scrolls in Argo’s saddlebag, these pieces are diverse, both in subject and format. Most are intended to give you a chuckle. A few are more serious. Since some of these scraps were inspired by specific episodes or events in the Xenaverse, I have included explanation, where applicable, to put the pieces in context. I hope you enjoy them, and I thank those special women who have encouraged and/or tolerated this folly over the past many moons.

New Releases You Won't Find In Your Local Video Store | Nothing
The Sidekick and the Stone | Top or Bottom
The New Zealand Adventures of Mother Goose | Stand By Your Bard
When A Bard Loves A Warrior | Ms. Lawless
Xenites' Kids Say The Darnedest Things | You're Lost In A Xenite Haze If....
Confession Of A Xenastaffer | Xena's and Gab's Music Preferences
A Joke | Entrees You Won't Find On The Menu At Threadgill’s
Interview With A Pink Lady | 15 Politically Correct Ways To Say That Joxer Is Stupid
Another Joke | Top Ten Things LL Could Do If XWP Is Cancelled



TIRED GREEN SPORTS BRA (aka Fried Green Tomatoes) - Drama.

An unhappy Thracian woman finds life inspirations and develops an interesting war cry when she befriends a no-nonsense old Potidaean bard who tells her a riveting tale of two “best friends” back in the late 5th century BC (oops, make that the 1st century... no, make that the 9th century... er... the 1940s... er... oh, never mind). The bard’s tale begins with a youth from Amphipolis witnessing her brother’s death and withdrawing into a lonely, hostile existence. A young innocent girl later comes along and catches her totally off guard. Solid Grecian charm and satisfying dual subtextual story lines. Done to a raise of the eyebrow, spicy and nice, but not quite true to the book.

THE COLOR BILIOUS (aka The Color Purple) - Drama.

Steven Sears’s earnest screen adaptation of Melissa Good’s powerful novel about an always-hungry Potidaean woman who was abused by her father. This film was praised as poignant drama by some, judged as profoundly romantic by others. Affecting performances, despite lengthy installment genre. Surprisingly, although nominated in 50 categories, failed to win a single Argo Award. For one of the actresses, this film led to a very profitable second career as Ellen DeGeneres’s psychologist.

PERSONAL SKILLS (aka Personal Best) - Drama.

Aspiring bard finds herself torn between her writing coach and her lesbian campfire-mate, who becomes her lover. Running, somersaulting, and henbane smoking have never been filmed more lovingly. Homosexual themes handled with wit and very accurate move-in-the-morning-after-the-first-date lesbian soap opera style.

BARD OF THE MONTH (aka Claire of the Moon) - Drama.

Bard at a literary retreat finds herself attracted to another writer. Lesbian love story tries to be matter of fact, but winds up being subject to the water-retention time of the month instead. Includes nice love scene on a recycled beach.

THE CHILDREN’S CANDLEMARK (aka The Children’s Hour) - Drama.

Adapted from Renee O’Connor’s play about action adventure actresses accused of lesbianism by the loyal opposition after they are tossed into a well because they tried to help a young boy. Lunacy, be forewarned: this film does not have a happy ending.

QUEEN GABRIELLE (aka Queen Christina) - Drama.

An Amazon Queen refuses political marriage to a Trojan solider named Perdicus and abdicates as leader of her tribe. She then leaves the province and falls in love with a warrior princess from Amphipolis. Spellbinding performance from O’Connor in one of her finest films. She and Lawless generate extraordinary subtextual passion.

THE FISH TANK (aka The Bird Cage) - Comedy.

New Xeland version of the French farce “La Cage aux Folles.” A young, bardly, lesbian mother learns that her daughter has become betrothed to the god of war, and his new evil boss wants to meet her. Great performances by Renee O’Connor in dual lead roles. Lucy Lawless is hilarious as the neurotic, drag king step father. The middle of the film is slow, but is revived by the appearances of a giggling, suicidal, blonde maid.

LUCIA (aka Julia) - Drama.

Absorbing true story taken from Renee O’Connor’s novel “AOLregretimento.” Her life-long friendship with Lucia drew O’Connor into the subtext acceptance movement. Beautifully acted. Won three Argo Awards.

CHERRY (aka Peach) - Short.

Mysterious warrior woman pulls up on her horse and, using only 27 words, convinces a young bard with a baby to taste of nature’s bounty before it rots. This film won the coveted Is She or Isn’t She Argo Award.

SUBTEXT AND MAINTEXT (aka In and Out) - Comedy.

Young, blonde... er... red-headed bard is accused of being gay. This news surprises not only her family and friends but the naive bard herself, who is engaged to the boyfriend of the week. The bard continues to insist that she is straight until a tall, dark magnum of a woman gives her a long, deep, knee-bending smooch. The bard’s suspicions about her true sexuality are confirmed when she hears a tape of the song “Grease” and is unable to resist the urge to do an Amazon line dance in her living room.

THE SWEATING GAME (aka The Crying Game) - Drama.

After a beach-front beauty contestant kidnapping attempt goes sour, a warrior princess goes undercover in a recycled castle where she becomes involved with the emcee’s drag queen lover. Unusual, adult, and very distinct drama, highlighted by amusingly-clad characters, hilarious contestant bios, complicated relationships, and outstanding performances, including memorable exposure in a steam room. Notorious for its “secret,” but camp enough to survive even if you know the twist.

XENOS XENA (aka Victor Victoria) - Comedy.

A guilt-ridden warrior in the 8th century BC poses as a man with the help of a kleptomaniac’s body and then becomes the talk of the Forum. Sparkling, perceptive script about sexual identification and red gummy bear substances. Terrific Amazonian background music and midriffs, uproarious slap stick, and an unforgettable kiss in the twilight zone. Director LN James won an Argo Award for this film, due largely to her subtle interpretation of substance-coated fingers on lips.

And, don’t flame me for this last one....

NEW XELAND HEARTS (aka Desert Hearts) - Drama.

Sensitive (but explicit) lesbian romance set on Auckland filming location in the 1990s. Lawless is a care-free rebel who seduces younger, vulnerable, and sometimes wordless American actress.

(Most of these reviews were based on Blockbuster Video critiques. Melissa Good’s fanfic Home is Where The Heart Is and L.N. James’s tale Hints are referred to.)

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The following filk occurred to me in June 1997, at the conclusion of Season Two, after reading Joanna’s fan fiction story Coming Out, which featured the hilarious Potidaean Chorus. Additionally, this story was written not long after Renee O’Connor gave her first live AOL interview/chat and shortly after XWP writer/producer R.J. Stewart commented during a Whoosh interview (Issue #9) that (and I paraphrase) Xena and Gabrielle would never be portrayed as lesbians.

(from A Chorus Line)
As Performed by Renee O’Connor

I was so excited because I’m gonna go to Universal’s
School of the Performing Arts.
I mean, I was dying to become a convincing actress.
Anyway, it’s our first day of acting class, and we’re in
the auditorium, and the teacher, Mr. Stewart,
puts us up on the stage with our arms around the
waist of the person in front of us, two by two,
one in back of the other.
And, he says, “Okay, we’re gonna do improvisations...
Now, you’re a sidekick in an action adventure series,
and you’re a lesbian, and you’ve got the hots
for the heroine.
Okay, go!”

(Music begins)

Ev’ryday for a week, we would try to feel the passion,
Feel the passion... Sapphic desires.
Ev’ryday for a week, we would try to sneak a kiss in,
Sneak a kiss in... Under the stars.
And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
To see what I had inside.
Yes, I dug right down to the bottom of my soul,
And I tried... I tried!

And everybody’s goin’, “Whoosh... whoosh...
I feel a rush, I feel the soap, I feel her up...”
And Mr. Stewart turns to me, and he says,
“Okay, Renee, what did you feel?”
And I said...

(long musical beat)

“Nothing. I’m feeling nothing.”
And he said, “Nothing could get you kicked
off AOL.”
They all felt something. But, I felt nothing.
Except the cravin’ for a big ole Mexican meal!

But I said to myself,
“Hey, it’s only the first week. Maybe it’s
They don’t have lesbians in Austin.”

Second week, more advanced,
And we had to be a vampire,
Climb up bodies,
Learn to fish.
Mr. Stewart, he would say,
“Very good... Except Renee. Try Renee.
Think small and furryish.”
And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
To imagine how a woman’s... er... lips felt.
Yes, I dug right down to the bottom of my soul,
And I tried to melt.

The others yelled, “Nothing!”
They called me “Nothing.”
And Stewart allowed it, which really made me insane.
They were so nasty. They called me irritating.
Until I was nearly driven to smoke some dried henbane.

And Stewart kept saying,
“Renee, I think you should transfer to Disney.
You’ll never be convincing as a lesbian. Never.”

Sweet Jesus!
Went to ‘Bound,’ praying, “Jennifer Tilly,
Give me pointers,
Give me pointers.” On my knees.
Went to Meow Mix, begging all the femmes,
“Help me feel it.
Help me feel it, pretty please.”
And a voice from down at the bottom of my soul
Came up to the top of my red... er... blonde head.
A voice from down at the bottom of my soul,
Here is what is said,
“This man is nothing!
This school is nothing!
If you want something, go find a mate named Lucy.
And when you find her,
You’ll be convincing.”
And that’s how I finally mastered this subtext thing.

Two years later, I head that Stewart lost his voice.
And I dug right down to the bottom of my soul
And rejoiced...

(Renee stops singing... starts ranting)

Cause that varmit has a lot o gall sayin Lucy an I’ll
never be portrayed as lezzies. What in
tarnation was he thinkin?! I might notta
said nuttin on AOL, but least I had the
gods given sense to keep mah trap shut!
Why, Ise tempted to take mah staff an shove it...

Xena appears onstage and pulls Renee off by her ear.

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(Based on the fairy tale The Princess and the Pea, by Hans Christian Anderson)

Once upon a time, there was a warrior princess who wanted to have alternative action adventures with a sidekick... but she would have to be a REAL sidekick. The warrior princess traveled all over the known world to find one, but nowhere could she get what she wanted. Oh, there were a great many sidekicks, but it was difficult to find out whether they were real ones. There was always something not quite bardly nor irritating about them. Once, she’d thought she found one in a hot tub on another action adventure show, but there was something not quite female about him. So, the warrior princess went home, and her blue eyes were sad, for she would have liked very much to have a real sidekick.

One evening, a terrible storm came on. There was thunder and lightening. Just as the warrior princess was about to test her flying parchment idea, the rain began to pour down in torrents. It was dreadful! The warrior princess was reminded of the storms which had tossed her ship in the Tasman... er... Aegean Sea when she was still an evil warlord. And, she remembered how she’d longed for a seasick sidekick’s wrist to pinch in the middle of those raging storms.

Suddenly, a knocking was heard at the door, and the warrior princess’s mother went to open it. There on the doorstep was a sidekick. But, good gods!... What a sight the rain and the wind had made her look. She was drenched. Water ran down from her red... er... blonde hair, and her early-first-season shirt. It ran down into the top of her ugly long skirt and out again at her feet. She didn’t carry a staff. She didn’t carry a bag. She didn’t carry Egyptian Henna. She only carried a scroll. Nevertheless, she insisted that she was a real sidekick.

“We will soon find out,” thought the warrior princess’s mother, arching an eyebrow at the girl. She said nothing and went to prepare a pallet for the unexpected and very talkative guest. She stripped all the blankets off the pallet and placed a stone on the base of it. Then, she took twenty mattresses and lay them on the stone, after which she then lay twenty down quilts on top of that. Then, the mother showed the sidekick where she had to spend the night, and the girl climbed in thankfully, albeit a little scared of that high place and a little hungry for pork liver with melted cheese over the top.

The next morning, the warrior princess and her mother asked the girl how she slept. “Oh, not good!” she said. “I hardly shut my eyes the whole night! I kept trying to find that one patch of pallet that didn’t feel like it had a boulder on it. Gods only know what was in that pallet. It was something very hard, and now I am black and blue and bilious all over.”

By this answer, they knew the girl was a real sidekick, because she had felt the stone right through the twenty mattresses and twenty down quilts, not to mention the warrior princess herself who had snuck into the pallet and beneath her in the middle of the night.

Only a real sidekick could be as sensitive as that. So, the warrior princess at long last had found her real sidekick with whom she began to speak in subtext. And, the stone... It became one of those many recycled stones which fall on Callisto every week.

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“Okay, next question... ‘When engaging in sex, do you prefer to be on top?”

I fail to respond immediately, and you look up expectantly from the scroll you’re reading. “Well?” you prod. “Come on... five points if you answer ‘yes.’” You wink playfully and ready your quill over the parchment.

I settle back against a tree and give you a coy smile. “It depends on my... er... your mood.”

You blink your understanding and lovingly hold my gaze for a moment. Then, you continue your teasing. “Xena, it’s just a silly Amazon butch test... you’ve got to answer one way or the other if we’re going to find out how butch or femme you really are. Now, what’s your response... top or bottom?”

My eyebrows crease, and I stare at the sky pensively.

Becoming impatient, you scan the subsequent questions while you await my reply. “What the hades is quiche?” you mumble to yourself, before glancing at me again. Your velvety voice lures me out of contemplation. You unsuccessfully attempt to read my blank face. “For Zeus’s sake!... just answer the question. Top or bottom?”

“Gimme a moment,” I stall. “I’m pondering my... er... position on this issue.”

Your eyes roll and you resume your perusal of the test.

“How do they define ‘on top?’” I ask finally. “Do they mean physically or psychologically?”

Now, your brow furrows. Your lovely eyes tell me you can’t believe I’m turning this into a philosophical discussion, but the twinkle there betrays the fact that you enjoy these rare occasions when I become analytical. Trying to hide a grin, you feign a heavy sigh. “Xena, they didn’t provide a glossary with this test. They mean ‘on top’... you know... do you prefer to be dominant or passive... the giver or the receiver... the seducer or the seduced? This isn’t a difficult question.”

I arch my left eyebrow at your familiar sarcasm. You know this question IS difficult because, for me, it has no absolute answer. But, you also realize, for the sake of this game and because I can’t help myself when it comes to you, I will try to choose an answer. And, you are curious, because my reply will determine the nature of what has suddenly become verbal foreplay between us.

I peer into your eyes, trying to gauge your mood... for it will determine my own, as well as my response to this damned question.

Almost from the beginning, our souls have been so connected that they seem to react instinctively to each other, harmoniously mirroring one another’s longings. On any given night, our mutual waves of desire may carry me on top of you in an exhilarating rush... or, the undertow may pull me beneath you into depths of ecstasy.

My mind is instantly crowded with erotic musings. There are times I am so moved by your presence in my life that a powerful passion drives me to sweep you up with what almost amounts to ferocity. Your soft words of caring in my ear often compel me to push you back on the blanket in a blind, urgent need to please you. Your expressive reactions have evoked cries from my throat and an insatiable craving to feel you, taste you, and take you. My consciousness is flooded with every instance that I have wanted to ravish and linger over you and be so very ‘on top’ that you become profoundly, deliciously, and safely defenseless in my arms. I am overwhelmed to conceive that you trust me to bring you to and from that helpless place.

I also am reminded of when I have wanted nothing more than to languish in sensual indulgence underneath you and receive all of you into myself. I have yearned to follow where you lead, allow anything you desire... to open myself to your ardor and relish the pleasure of your hands and mouth... your intensity all over my body. I grin as I remember the moments I have watched you struggle to maintain your control as you moved over me, sometimes giving in to your own desperation... falling down into me, thrusting against my wetness, looking down at me through your brimming tears as the billows of my orgasm crash against yours. At times like that, I want to be so very ‘bottom’ and I am certain that I could live the rest of my days in that receptive place beneath you. It warms my heart beyond words to know I can trust you to not let me drown in your deep blue sea of release.

I am in awe that you make me feel so comfortable... so eager... so satisfied to be both top and bottom... to be trusted and to trust.

No... with you, I’m not sure I can say which place I prefer to be.

Your gentle hand on my thigh brings me out of my reverie. I notice that you have rolled up the scroll. You grasp my hand and urge me to stand.

“Don’t you want my answer?” I ask, as your coax me toward the blanket.

You stop and reach to tenderly hold my other hand too. “I already know your answer,” you murmur against my lips. “But, tell me anyway... what do you prefer?”

My entire being is aching to tell you. I pull you closer to me and tighten my fingers through yours. “I prefer to be NEXT to you... forever.”

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The following are nursery rhymes which Gabrielle just might have recited to her young, evil spawn.


Star Light, Star Bright

Star light, star bright,
First to come into sight.
I’m going to try with all my might
To get Xena out of her shift tonight.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Row, row, row your boat,
Quickly away from the horde.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, Xena.
Off their leader with your sword.

Mary Had A Little Lamb

Xena had a little horse;
Whose saddle was often wet.
And with every chapter of alt fanfic,
The bigger the “saddlehorn” seemed to get.

Jack Be Nimble

Joxer be nimble.
Joxer be quick
Joxer get away from Gabby’s stick.
Don’t you dare say “Rise and shine.”
Lest you want a chakram to slice off your dick.

Jack & Jill

Bard and Princess
Went up Mt. Nestos
To tape a sequel to Destiny.
The horse went bump,
Lucy broke her rump.
And, Renee should have won an Emmy.

Rock-a-bye, Baby

Rock-a-bye, Gabby, on a rope bridge,
When Velaska blows, you’ll hang on the edge,
When the bridge breaks, in a ravine you will fall.
But Xena will catch you, staff, scrolls, and all.

Little Miss Muffet

Xena, the warrior,
With her sword beside her,
Sat eating her porridge and beans.
Along came a sidekick,
Who sucked hard on her neck
And left a hickey for Joxer to see.

Mary, Mary Quite Contrary

Lao Ma, Lao Ma,
With your spouse in a coma,
How do you get your grins?
“Washing Xena’s hair
And making love in the air,
At my spa in western Chin.”


Two women in a tub,
And what do you think they said?
“Lost the soap, we fear.
Let’s get out of here.
And do it under the stars instead.”

Humpty Dumpty

Abby Gabby fell in the fire.
Abby Gabby may have expired.
All the show’s writers
Had better beware.
If they don’t revive Gabby,
We’ll kill them, we swear.

Hey Diddle Diddle

Hey diddle, diddle,
The star and her nipple
Renee jumped over subtext.
Liz Freidman laughed to see such folly,
Cause the lesbian fans are the best.

Three Blind Mice

One blind warrior, One blind warrior
See how she runs, See how she runs.
She scaled the castle like a bird on a wire.
Then saved her bard from big, scary fire.
Have you ever seen a woman never tire
Like one blind warrior.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Twinkle twinkle, bright, blue eyes
How I love those long, firm thighs.
Up above me in the night,
Warm and close, you hold me tight.
Twinkle twinkle, bright blue eyes
How I love your orgasmic sighs.

There Was A Little Girl

There was a warrior girl,
And she had damp, red curls
Right in the middle of her face.
And when she was good,
She was very very good.
But, when she was bad,
Well... according to alt fanfic, she was NEVER bad.

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I wrote this filk after seeing The Debt.

(to the tune of Stand By Your Man)

Sometimes it’s hard to be a warrior,
Giving all your love to just one bard.
If you have bad times,
She’ll have good times.
While your head’s stuck in a furkin piece of wood.

But, if you love her,
You’ll forgive her.
Even though she’s made you hoppin mad.
And, if you love her,
Oh, be proud of her.
Cause, after all, she’s got great abs.

Stand by your bard.
Give her your nose to scratch on.
Tell her you prefer her bilious bra,
When scenes are wet and tender.

Stand by your bard.
Speak more subtext in her ear,
And, tell the audience you are queer.
Stand by your bard.

Stand by your bard.
And, finally say you love her,
But, ix nay about offing the emperor.
Stand by your bard.

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(to the tune of When A Man Loves A Woman)

When a bard loves a warrior,
Can’t keep her mind on nothing else.
She forgets to ask if her child’s been found.
If the warrior’s bad, she can see it.
And, she thinks it’s wrong.
If she turned her back for an instant,
Xena would kill em all.

When a bard loves a warrior,
Spend her very last dinar
For a ticket on a faster boat to Chin.
She’d give up all of her comforts,
And stand in putrid slime.
Apologizing for the mess she got them in.

Well, our bard loves her warrior.
She gave it everything she had.
Trying to save her stubborn warrior’s soul.
Xenites... please don’t treat her bad.

When a bard loves a warrior,
Down deep in her core,
The writers can cause her such misery.
If Xena murdered the bastard,
She’s the last one to know.
Loving eyes can never see.

When a bard loves a warrior,
She can do her no harm.
She could not betray her or let her go.
Yes, when a bard loves a warrior,
I know exactly how the rift will end.
Cause, Xenites, without their love, there’d be no show.

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Obviously, this was written during December... 1997.

(to the tune Dr. Suess’s Mr. Grinch)

You’re a rare one, Ms. Lawless.
You’re every schoolgirl’s wish.
You’re as lovely as a princess,
You’re as charming a prince,
Ms. Lawless.
You’re a ripe juicy peach on a fine china dish.

You’re a goddess, Ms. Lawless.
But, you’re straight, and there’s the rub.
You speak in fluent subtext, and you visit the dyke pubs,
Ms. Lawless.
I would love to play Go Fish with you
In a sixty-nine-and-a-half-inch-tub.

You’re a brave one, Ms. Lawless.
You’re not scared to crawl on glass.
You display such tender sweetness with both Robert and Renee,
Ms. Lawless.
Given a choice between the two of them,
I’d bet you’d pick the tight-abbed lass.

You’re an icon, Ms. Lawless.
You’re a hot pink lady, too.
You’re in the sky with diamonds, and your eyes are furking blue,
Ms. Lawless.
Girlfriend, you’re so fabulous,
Some day drag queens will want to dress like you.

You titillate me, Ms. Lawless.
With your titillating peek-a-boo tit.
You’re a big relentless tease,
And you drive us out of our wits,
Ms. Lawless.
You are directly responsible for the extra load of
laundry lesbians do each week because so many
pair of panties have become unfit.

You’re a sly one, Ms. Lawless.
You might be able to fool the rest.
But, we know you really hail from Dayton,
And you want to swap spit with Ripley next,
Ms. Lawless.
The three words that best describe your acting ability
Are as follows, and I quote, “Hard Core Subtext.”

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This is a spoof of Kids Say the Darndest Things. In this case, the kids questioned were children of Hard Core Nut Ball lesbians.



“Eighty-four... Because by that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time going to Xena conventions.”


“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s not allowed unless you’re underwater or trying to get your body back.”


“I think you get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t so painful. Also, you got to be real careful who you look at when you get shot, or else you end up having to sit in a pond the whole time.”

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with a woman named Liz.”


“It’s like falling down a deep well but you don’t hate every minute of it.”


“Because sometimes one of them forgets to look both ways and gets hit by a flying tree.”


“I’m in favor of love, as long as it doesn’t happen when Xena is on television.”


“You should know how to work a VCR, because if you don’t record a Xena show while the other lover is at work, you’ll be in big trouble.”

“You have to be able to listen to your lover’s boring stories when you’d rather be riding real fast on your horse.”

“One of you should know how to write a check... Because, even if you have tons of love, there are going to be a lot of Xena t-shirts to buy.”

“A good lover should not slap her wife, even if the wife loses her clothes in China and gets her head stuck in a board.”


“Tell them that you own a whole big lot of Xena videos.”

“Don’t do dumb things like saying you like Perdicus.”


“If they touch each other on the arm a lot, but never kiss, they’re in love.”


“They are thinking, ‘Yeah, I really do love you ‘cause you don’t get mad if I stay up all night watching Xena videos and forget to feed the dog.”


“You must first practice on your girlfriend’s neck, but not too much or your eyes will turn yellow and you will grow fangs.”

“A person can learn by watching Xena kiss Gabrielle at her wedding over and over and over and over until the VCR breaks.”

“I’m not sure, but I think you learn on the computer... You read all about it in a Xena story, then explain the rules to your wife and make your kids go to bed early.”


“Spend most of your time together talking about how much you hate Joxer instead of going to work.”

“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you spent good money on a Xena doll.”

“Don’t let the meat loaf burn because you are too busy watching Gabrielle’s tummy... That will mess up the love.”

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1.You continue to wear your Valley Forge Hercules and Xena Convention name tag on your jacket like a ski lift ticket, despite the fact that the convention was held nine months ago.
2.You try to guess if Lunacy is going to give a HIGHLY RECOMMENDED from reading only the first line of her fanfic reviews.
3.You lose sleep at night wondering whatever happened to Tendre.
4.You remember the days when you thought Katherine Forrest’s lesbian fiction was hot.
5.You keep trying to tune in WXWP on your car radio.
6.You don’t think twice about skipping this one.
7.You recently scared yourself by saying “by the gods” in conversation at work.
8.Wishes has replaced Sappho as your favorite poet.
9.You have printed or archived every fanfic story ever posted on the web, indexed them in a manner so complicated even Xenos couldn’t fathom, and coded them with your own rating symbols which resemble tiny naked Gabrielles.
10.When someone asks you which celebrity you’d most like to have lunch with, your answer is Mama ROC.
11.You experience DTs if you go more than two days without watching a XWP ep.
12.Alt fanfic played a huge part in your sex education.

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This was written mid third season, in response to many lesbian-friendly Xenites’ dissatisfaction with the course the show was taking.


“Give us, at long last, a TV series which features the love between two strong women,” they said. “It doesn’t have to be perfect,” they went on. “Use recycled extras, recycled scenery, and recycled music... whatever it takes... we don’t care... just let us finally see ourselves on the tube. After all these years without representation, let us be seen!”

“Okay,” we shrugged. “We’ll give it a shot. After all, you’re right... It’s about time lesbian love was portrayed as the beautiful, brave thing that it is. But, you realize,” we warned, “we’ll have to be clever and subtle. Society isn’t quite ready for this yet. We can’t be blatant about what we’re doing.”

“Of course, of course,” they nodded absently. “We understand. We’ll be patient and accepting of the restraints you must work under. We won’t mind, so long as you succeed in presenting true love between two women.”

They loved the first season. However, they almost couldn’t trust their eyes. They could barely believe we’d given them what they asked for. They even argued among themselves about whether the subtext was intentional.

“Intentional?!” we asked, dumbfounded. “Naturally, it’s intentional! We’re giving you what you were desperate to see... exactly what you asked for. We hope we’ve pleased you. But, remember... we cannot admit what we’re doing. For now, we must play society’s game. You said you’d understand. So, don’t question what you see and please trust our motives. We are doing our darndest to lay the foundation for a deep, faithful lesbian relationship in a weekly series.”

After the second season, they believed. They saw that we had indeed kept our promise. We gave them as much as we dared. They swooned. It was both tremendously satisfying and sad to behold their reaction. Satisfying because we were delighted that they so strongly identified with Xena & Gabrielle. Sad because we were poignantly reminded of the pitiful lack of their love on TV. No wonder they were so thrilled by our show. We had managed to give them a picture of themselves... for the first time in TV history! We were extremely proud to do this.

“Give us MORE!” they pleaded.

“More?” We exchanged looks among ourselves. “How much more can we risk?! The sponsors won’t turn a blind eye to much more than we’ve already gambled. We were lucky to get away with that kiss.”

Then, the most insightful of us spoke up. “This isn’t about touching or kissing,” she said. “This is about love... We can give them more love... show the world how profoundly Xena and Gabrielle... two women... can love one another. We can show what everyday life is like for millions of lesbians... sometimes heart-wrenching, sometimes calm, sometimes goofy, sometimes boring, sometimes incredibly sensual.” We all nodded with solemn comprehension.

We began to tape the third season. We boldly aspired to show the world that two women could withstand trials and storms comparable to those borne by the most resilient heterosexual lovers. We decided to bring Xena & Gabrielle through tests of fire. We attempted to show just how intense and pure lesbian love can be. And, we wanted to demonstrate that lesbians endure the same mundane and very human peculiarities of life that straight couples do. We were hopeful that society would be impressed and awakened. We were sure that our lesbian audience would be tearfully moved to see their own strengths dramatically represented each week.

“WHAT THE FURK ARE YOU DOING?!” they screamed.

“Excuse us?” we blinked, befuddled.

They were livid. “What in Tartarus are you doing to our girls?!”

“Isn’t it obvious?” we replied.

“Stop!” they shrieked again. “We don’t want to see tribulations! We don’t want to see struggles! We don’t want to see idiot friends like Joxer! We don’t want to see their love tested! We don’t want a sensational representation of real life!”

Again, we exchanged confused glances among ourselves. “What are you saying?!” we all cried at once.

They all rolled their eyes.

Once more, the wisest among us spoke up. “We’re doing our very best to show that two women can possess the emotional capacity to hang on to each other despite the worst possible circumstances.”

They doubtfully curled their lips and narrowed their eyes.

“We’re trying to portray what YOU many have lived all these years,” our colleague passionately continued. “We want to adequately demonstrate how strong the love between two women can be. We want to do justice to your lives and your relationships. We want to show that you are tough... that you don’t give up the moment the honeymoon is over... that you stand by one another... that you are capable of appalling weakness, but that you forgive each other your failings... that you take each day in stride, despite how silly or harrowing it may be... that you love one another unconditionally... always.”

A long silence followed.

“Oh,” they mumbled, embarrassed. “Never mind.”

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The following are songs X & G would like to hear played at upcoming Xena fests and conventions. <g>


Rebel Woman
Kiss the Bride
Sisters Are Doing It for Themselves
The Bitch is Back
Love Bites
Can’t Fight Fate
I Will Survive
I Am Woman
I’m Still Standing


Blue Eyes
Isn’t She Lovely
Big Boned Gal
U Got the Look
Show Some Emotion
Lucy In the Sky
Kiss on My List
Along Comes a Woman
You Sexy Thing
Don’t Worry, Be Happy

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Three Wanna-be Xenites are standing at the gates of the Xenaverse, hoping to gain admittance for the first time. A veteran Xenite greets the three potential Hard Core Nut Balls. He says to them, “Girls, I’ll be tickled lavender to allow you into the Xenaverse, but, first, you must each answer one test question to determine if you are truly worthy of the lofty status of ‘Xenite,’ or if you are mere lowly worms from Steroid Boy’s quaint little cartoon. “Okay...” the veteran Xenite points to the first Wanna-be, “You first. The category is ‘Internet Trivia.’ Here’s your question... Which totally cool Xenite is webmaster of the most awesome on-line Xena page in the Xenaverse?”

“That’s WAY easy,” answers the first Wanna-be. ...“Mary Draganis, of course.”

Suddenly, many bells ring and lights flash and whistles sound... The gates of the Xenaverse open, and the first Wanna-be is granted entry. Then, the gates close again, and the veteran Xenite turns to the second Wanna-be. “Right... The next category is ‘Xena Trivia.’ Now, here’s your question: What is the Warrior Princess’s social security number?”

The second Wanna-be smiles broadly, confident in her response to this simple question. “Duh!... IM2-6E-4YOU, of course.” She giggles. “Leave it to Xena to take liberties with her digits.”

Many bells ring and lights flash and whistles sound... The gates of the Xenaverse open, and the second Wanna-be is granted entry. Then, the gates close again, and the veteran Xenite turns to the third Wanna-be. “I’m obviously not making these questions difficult enough. Here’s a toughie for you: In both Bat Morda’s story ‘The Binds That Tie’ and Katrina’s story ‘Warlord Daze,’ Gabrielle says the exact same line to Xena. In L.N. James’s tale ‘Queen,’ Xena says that very same line of dialogue to Gabrielle. What is that line?”

The third Wanna-be’s brow furrows deeply, and she rubs her chin pensively. “Wow... That’s a hard one.”

Many bells ring and lights flash and whistles sound...

Bat Morda’s tale The Binds That Tie, Katrina’s story Warlord Daze, and L.N. James’s tale Queen are referred to.

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This addictive sandwich is a unique combination of firm, white chicken breast and a well-aged piece of red(wing) meat. Topped with very blue cheese dressing and a special tangy kiwi sauce on toasted wry bread, it is accompanied by Grease-y fries. Tastes best when eaten after a toke of opium and should be handled with care, as the breast has a tendency to slip out of the sandwich. Served with a ripe, juicy peach on the side.


Starts with an appetizer of succulent hand-caught eel and been-there-done-that cock tales sauce. Next, you’ll drool over three naked slabs of lean Texas-style ribs served with a big, wet kiss from a sassy, blonde waitress or from a newly wedded warrior, whichever is in season. For dessert, you’ll be tempted to devour a mountain of bright, red cherries. Careful climbing that rubyfruit mound however... You might slip in the incredibly sweet, silky cream. This meal is so delectable, you’ll think the chef was touched by an angel.


One sausage link arranged between two new potatoes... on a stick... roasted tableside while you watch... to your liking or to ashes.

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I was fortunate enough to attend the opening night of LL’s run in “Grease” on Broadway. After the show, my companion and I hailed a cab back to our hotel. The cabby started questioning me about the show. He started talking about LL... And, what was that?!... Did he say he had given LL rides to and from the theater during the past week while she was rehearsing?! The cabby told me a little about her.. and, after much bribing on my part, agreed to take me to her hotel! I snuck up to her floor and knocked on her door. I was quite surprised when Lucy herself opened it...

DANAE:Ms. Lawless??
DANAE:Um... My name’s Danae. Would you mind a quick interview?
LL:(looks both ways up and down the hallway) Sure, come on in.
DANAE:(steps inside; stares at LL) Um... Ms. Lawless... Why are you wearing your Xena costume?
LL:Don’t you believe everything Kevin Sorbo says? ...Lucy Lawless IS Xena!
DANAE:Ahh... I see. Okkaay... Xena, then. May I ask you a few questions?
XENA:Yeah... but you’ll have to make it fast. Gabrielle is on her way over... we’re going to Meow Mix.
DANAE:Renee O’Connor is on her way HERE?!
XENA:No... Gabrielle is on her way here. Renee O’Connor is NOT Gabrielle.
DANAE:Somehow I didn’t think so.
XENA:So, what is it you want to know?
DANAE:I wanted to talk with you about GREASE. Your opening night seemed to go very well. Congratulations.
XENA:Thanks. I was pissed that they wouldn’t let me go outside to sign autographs before the performance, but otherwise, yeah, it went well.
DANAE:Yes, that was a shame. There was quite a crowd expecting you to come out... heh heh.
XENA:(rolls eyes) Ha ha. ...You’ve been watching that Ellen show again, haven’t you?
DANAE:Sorry. Anyway, about GREASE... You did a fabulous job, but you seemed slightly nervous at the beginning...
XENA:Hey! I am NEVER nervous! My hands were shaking because I’m going through withdrawal.
XENA:(rings hands together and starts to sweat) Yeah... this is the longest I’ve ever been away from Gabrielle. These hiatuses are Tartarus.
DANAE:Oh, I see. I was surprised Gabrielle wasn’t in the audience tonight.
XENA:Well, she wanted to be there, but she had this rock-climbing thing to do or some such rot. And, you know... we’re saving our first public appearance together for the opening of Paramount’s Dyke World in Orlando. Besides, Tyldus said her presence at the show would only fuel the subtext rumor mill. That’s why Rob was there instead.
DANAE:Ah... smart guy, that Tyldus. Back to the show... You seemed to relax after that woman who played Marty winked at you.
XENA:(raises an eyebrow) Shhh! (runs fingers over her chakram) You won’t tell Gabrielle about that, will you?
DANAE:(gulps) No, no... wouldn’t dream of it. So, that wink wasn’t scripted?
DANAE:How bout that touchy-feely thing going on between you and Jan? Was that scripted?
DANAE:How bout when Sandy jumped into your arms and wrapped her legs around you? The crowd went wild when that happened. That wasn’t scripted either?
XENA:No. Gods, Sandy almost knocked me on my ass. Good thing I’m in condition.
DANAE:You know... I think the fans of XWP would love to see Gabrielle jump into your arms like that. Heh heh.
XENA:Are you kidding?... *I* would love that! But, Tyldus would never go for it. (sighs heavily)
DANAE:So, it’s fair to say there was a subtext thing going on in GREASE?
XENA:(bored look) You’re not too keen, are you? Haven’t you figured out yet that there’s a subtext thing going on in my entire LIFE?! Didn’t you read the Playboy interview? Didn’t you see PEACH?!
DANAE:Why, yes I did. You know, I thought that Maori woman in PEACH looked an awfully lot like Draco.
XENA:(rolls eyes) I thought you wanted to talk to me about GREASE.
DANAE:Oh, right... Where was I? You gave an outstanding performance... The tear in your eye when you sang “There Are Worst Things I Could Do”... very moving.
XENA:Well, that was easy... I just thought about the “Return of Callisto” ep... I still haven’t gotten over the fact that Gabrielle married Perdicus.
DANAE:And, those many times during the show when you had to make out with Kenickie... I’ll bet you wished it was Gabrielle with her hands all over you instead of him.
XENA:Please! That guy almost crossed the line! If he had put his hand on my butt one more time, my fingers would’ve been on his neck. He and I sorta have this understanding... he starts to get too excited, and I just whisper “You’ll be dead in 30 seconds”... works every time.
DANAE:I don’t know how you stood it. I mean, he had his lips all over you... and he was sweating like a pig. By the way, how is it that everyone else in the cast was sweating profusely under the lights and you weren’t??
XENA:I have many skills.
DANAE:Of course. How silly of me. It was great that they incorporated your battle cry into the show. The crowd almost jumped to their feet at that.
XENA:Well, that was a reflex reaction actually. That Cha-Cha woman sounded too much like Callisto. My instincts just took over.
DANAE:I must say, though, it was a bit strange to hear you talk about your ‘friend.’
XENA:It was strange for me too. You know that Gabrielle and I NEVER have our periods.
DANAE:That scene where you sang with the boys on top of the car was really great. You seemed just like one of the guys.
XENA:I AM just one of the guys. Gods, you’re slow.
DANAE:What you were doing with that bubble gum was awesome too... pulling the gum out of your mouth, wrapping it seductively around your finger... pulling it off your finger with your lips... Great tongue action going on there.
XENA:(grins mischievously) I have many skills.
DANAE:Oh, and the burp after you chugged the wine... very brassy.
XENA:Don’t tell Gabrielle about that. She’s always trying to get me to be more lady-like. Go figure.
DANAE:And, the teddy you wore in the bathroom scene... I almost passed out!
XENA:I prefer my shift... Gabrielle prefers me without it.
DANAE:Is there anything you would change about the show?
XENA:Well, first of all, I’d trash those pumps they made me wear... I felt like I had to slouch through the whole thing so I wouldn’t seem taller than the guys... hated it... My mother taught me to stand up straight.
DANAE:Anything else?
XENA:I’d talk them into letting me do the pre-show warm-up. Did you see how Vince Fontaine sat in that girl’s lap in the audience?
DANAE:Sat in her lap?! Geez, he practically straddled her face!
XENA:(naughty smile) Exactly. (whispers) Don’t tell Gabrielle that either.
DANAE:Is that all you’d like to change?
XENA:There is one more thing... I’d change the words to my solo...
DANAE:Really? How would you sing it?
XENA:Something like this... (launches into song)

There are worse things I could do
Than give you a kiss or two
Even though the audience
Thinks I am queer and speak subtext
I suppose it could be true
But there are worse things I could do

I could put my hand between your thighs
Make you moan and close your eyes
Press against you every night
Till you scream my name and hold me tight
Then trail my lips all over you
That’s a thing that I could do

DANAE:Wow! I like those words much better.
XENA:I think Gabrielle would too. Speaking of my bard, you’d better be going now. She’ll be here any second... er... fraction of a candlemark, and I don’t want to have to explain what you’re doing in my room. It’s going to be hard enough explaining why I kissed Danny Zuko. She barely bought that lame excuse about Ulysses.
DANAE:I understand. Thanks for the interview, Ms. Lawless... er... Xena.
XENA:Anytime... You know how gracious I am to my fans. Oh... and tell those bard friends of yours to go easy on the slave stories... I’d NEVER treat Gabrielle like that!
DANAE:I’ll tell them... but, you know, we’re all just suffering from Xena Withdrawal Syndrome. We had to resort to some pretty bizarre stuff to make it through the summer.
XENA:Mother of Zeus!... just pop in a tape... watch me deck Gabrielle in “The Reckoning” a few times... No need to write a 50-chapter tale of me whipping the shit out of her!
DANAE:Right. I’ll tell them. Thanks again for the interview.
XENA:Don’t make a big deal about it. (escorts Danae to the door) And, Danae...
XENA:Tell that L.N. James woman to get busy and write another sweet and steamy tale... Gabrielle LOVES those stories. They always... um... inspire her, if you know what I mean. (winks)
DANAE:Uh... yeah, sure... I’ll tell her. Bye, Xena. Battle on... er... I mean, Pink Ladies rule!

Okay... so maybe I didn’t REALLY interview LL. But, the part about the cabby was true! The guy claimed to have driven LL to and from the O’Neill Theater several times. He said she was “extremely nice, but too skinny.” <g>

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15.Missing the cream on his peaches.
14.A few lines short of a script.
13.A saddle without a horn.
12.An L.N. James story without an orgasm.
11.The Fool has fallen out of the tree.
10.One slice shy of a whole nutbread.
9.Doesn’t have all his co-stars in one hot tub.
8.If he had a twin, the twin would assassinate him.
7.A few scenes short of an ep.
6.He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
5.Not enough tail on his flying parchment.
4.If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
3.Doesn’t have all his porridge in one pot.
2.A few recycled extras short of a cast.
1.Forgot to pay the dinars due on his brain bill.

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This occurred to me after watching Forgiven.


Xena, Gabrielle, and Tara, all dead, are standing at Hades’s gate, awaiting entry into the Elysian Fields. Hades says to them, “Sorry, ladies, but we’re experiencing a space problem at the moment, and, until we have more room, I can allow only one of you to enter. The other two will have to hang out in Tartarus for a while. So, here’s the deal... You each must tell me how you died. Which ever of you had the most bizarre death can go into Elysium today.”

Gabrielle, confident in her story-telling abilities, brightens. Xena raises an eyebrow. Tara picks a piece of ear lobe from her teeth.

Hades points to Gabrielle. “You first... you had a pretty strange death, didn’t you?”

“That... yeah, that was strange, wasn’t it?” Gabrielle looks into space as she recalls the event. “You see, Xena and I were staying at an inn.”

Hades looks puzzled. “An inn?”

Gabrielle, having anticipated his surprise, quickly addresses his confusion. “We got the idea from a fanfic story.” She grins mischievously and continues. “Anyway... I had left Xena in the room because I had to go shopping for tampons and...”

“GABRIELLE!!” Xena’s eyes narrow angrily.

“Oh, chill, Xena.” Gabrielle waves her off. “This is fanfic... we can talk about your friend here.” Gabrielle clears her throat and goes on. “So, Xena had told me to make it quick and hurry back to our room. She said she wanted to introduce me to this new sexy type of foreplay. When I got back to the room, Xena was nowhere to be seen. I heard a noise out on the balcony, so I wandered out there. And, what did I see?... I saw two sets of fingers holding onto the balcony edge from the other side. I looked over the edge and saw Tara, trying to get into our balcony. Well, that was the last straw! I was fed up with her chasing Xena all over the known world! So, I pounded on her fingers. When she didn’t let go, I grabbed my staff and beat on her fingers as hard as I could until she finally fell. I looked over to see what I hoped would be her dead body splattered on the ground. But... noooooo. The little brat had landed right in a nice big bush and was struggling to get untangled from it. Well, my instincts just took over... I was insane with fury! I looked around and saw a hot tub in the middle of the room. With strength that comes only from a burning rage, I lifted that hot tub and heaved it over the balcony. Bullseye! It landed right on Tara, and, ding dong, the bitch was as dead as Lao Ma! I was pretty happy, but then Callisto appeared and started singing... asking me if it made me feel better to kill Xena’s little friend. Of course, that made me feel as guilty as a catholic warrior princess... In fact, it made me feel so terrible that I took Xena’s sword and killed myself right then and there.”

“Wow!” Hades exclaims. “That was really bizarre.”

Gabrielle smiles proudly. Xena scoffs. Tara picks dried bard blood from beneath her fingernails.

“Okay...” Hades motions toward Tara. “You next.”

“Well,” Tara snarls, “it was like this, ya see. I was practicing climbing up the side of a building, ya know? I mean, if a girl is gonna be like Xena, than a girl’s gotta practice her skills 300 times a day, right? Anyway, I got all the way to the top of this inn, see, and just as I was about to pull myself onto the roof, my foot slipped. I almost fell to my death, but, thank the gods, on my way down, I managed to grab hold of the edge of a balcony. I’m hanging there, praying to Athena that I’ll be rescued, when suddenly someone is pounding the dung out of my fingers. The person finally stopped, and I was like, pwaise Hestia! But, a few moments later, the person started up again, this time with a furkin stick! I couldn’t hold on any longer, so I almost fell to my death, but, thank Artemis, a bush cushioned my fall. I was just about to free myself from the bush branches when I looked up to see a huge hot tub speeding down toward me. And, well, here I am.”

“My, my!... That was REALLY bizarre!” Hades breathes, clearly impressed. He turns to Xena. “Okay, Warrior Princess, your turn. How did you die?”

Xena sighs heavily and rolls her eyes. After a long pause, she says, “Picture it... I’m naked, underwater, in a hot tub...”

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10.Star in her own weekly variety show, called “She’s a Little Bit Kiwi, She’s a Little Bit Lebanese.”
9.Develop and promote her own line of tanning-sponge products.
8.Run a virtual kissing booth at Lillith Fair.
7.Star in a revival of the Broadway musical “Kiss of the Spiduh Woman.”
6.Campaign to convince the world that there is no number six.
5.Model in magazine ads for peach-flavored dental dams.
4.Co-star with Gina Gershon as a truck driver in a remake of the movie “Convoy.”
3.Write her autobiography, titled “Bananas are not the only fruit.”
2.Open up a toaster-oven repair shop with Ellen DeGeneres.
1.Record a CD with kd lang, called “Even Cowhands Bare Their Boobs.”

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This was written during the summer between the second and third seasons. Rumors of Gabrielle’s pregnancy were already rampant.


(to the tune of Bitch by Meredith Brooks)

I sing a song of me today.
You thought I was straight, I know,
but I have changed.
Tried to tell you,
but you looked at me like maybe I’m a bacchae underneath,
lying through my teeth.

Last season I tried.
You must have been relieved to see my sapphic side.
I can understand how you'd be so confused.
I’m always touching you.
I’m a tease for every audience,
All rolled in subtext.

I'm a bard.
I'm a lover.
I'm a child.
I'm not a mother.
I’m a widow.
(That marriage was lame.
Boy, I feel ashamed.)
I'm a sidekick.
I fight a little.
I've got great abs in the middle.
You know you wouldn't want it any other way.
So take me as I am.
This may mean you'll have to see me with a man.
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous,
And I’m nibbling Joxer’s ear,
Tonight we’ll snuggle by the campfire,
and I’ll wipe away your tear.

I'm a bard.
I'm a lover.
I'm not a child.
I'm a mother?!
I’m a widow.
(I was insane.
Really, it didn’t mean a thing.)
I'm a sidekick.
I’m a blonde.
I love fishing in the pond.
You know you wouldn't want it any other way
Just when you think you got me in your arms,
The episode's already changin.
I think it's cool that pinch thing you do,
but don’t try it on me.

I'm a bard.
I'm a lover.
I've got a child?!
Who’s the father?!
I’m a widow.
(It was foolish.
I was trying to make you jealous.)
I'm a sidekick.
I’m a redhead.
I should have married you instead.
You know you wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm a bard.
I'm a Queen.
I'm an Amazon on my knees.
When you're horny,
When you suffer,
I’m the one to play your doctor.
I've been grieving.
I’m kissed.
Won’t say we did it on purpose.
You know I wouldn't want it ANY other way.

NOTE: No one’s sense of good taste was harmed during the writing of this insanity.

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