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Xena: Warrior Princess, Gabrielle, Argo and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Xena: Warrior Princess, together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright notices.

Pö-Ems which I have written

by Ryan Dever

Some of what follows may appear to be poetry. Don't be fooled, it's just rhymes. A bouncy little ditty isn't always a poem.


A traveling Bard needs to draw a crowd for business some how.

The Pitch

I have heard Ulysses’ laughter
As he bested boasting oceans
And Sirens singing sweetly
To the madness in us all

Did taste the bitter apple
Of sweet Troys’ harsh discord
And wept to see her trembling
At the feet of love with swords

The Bachae’ve touched my body
With blood and wine so deeply
That life did seem as fleeting
As the moths about a flame

Shall I tell you of a Goddess?
Eternally uncrying
For the loss of long dead loved ones
As they echo through her soul?

Or the smells of nut bread baking?
Of mothers breakfast making
To feed the boundless treasures
Of their labours’ rich reward?

Come! Feel the world as I do
Let joy and hope inside you
My secrets I’ll confide you
If you’ll whisper me some gold

Inspired by "A comedy of Eros"

Warrior's Buff

Rhyming smoochie kissie stuff
Lean mean warriors in the buff
Drop their drawers. Lift their skirts.
"Watch those ribs! They still hurt."

Grab your partner. Toss them down!
Slap and tickle on the ground.
Grass stains, grass stains everywhere
"I'm all green!" "I don't care.

Come hither, fetching beauty's beast.
Let our tensions be released."
"I should not, could not, Kama Sutra."
"Oh, please! I'll chocolate-cherry mouse ya."

"You always know just what to say,
when you want me in the hay."

Slather, slather, slither, slither
Hot bronze flesh both yon and thither
Rippling thews. Golden hues.
Endless moaning, "Oh!" and "Oo."

When all the sweaty fun is done
They lie back basking in the sun.


Writer, fighter, strawberry blonde
Jotting down lines and bathing in ponds
Friends with a killer, a thriller, a thief
Paladin to if you suspend disbelief

They're good as pure gold
though one fills me with fear
and the other'd quoth "Hold!"
then stab her pen in my ear

Travel the world with her warrior true
Oh, what a bardic thing to do
Everyone asks, "Are they or not?"
We'll never be sure, not in this time slot

Have you all caught the drift?
Is this thing making sense?
Shall I give you a lift?
Or will you help me down off this fence?

Of the death of Purdicus

Do you remember that summer’s day?
The night before, with me you lay
and all the world did seem at play
to we within our joy.

Since youth betrothed to you, and yet,
I’d never have thought I’d never forget
the man who would make me want to beget
a child with him to share.

One callous cut from savage pride
to exact her price apon the bride.
The wind itself through grass did cry
for "Oh, my Love had died!"

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