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© Copyright 1997 by F.S.
This story may not be sold and may be archived at public sites only with direct permission from the author. Any archive must carry this entire copyright statement.
See Childhood's End (Parts 1-2) for the complete disclaimer statement and other notes from the author.
The faun shifted uncomfortably. It just didn't make sense. He had got what he had wanted, but all he could think about was the image of the bard as he took her light from her. He shivered. Something had happened to the girl then, something unnatural. She had screamed ... the sound had made even Pan, a supposedly great deity, want to hide under a rock and never come out again. It was the sound of a soul in torture, as if was being ripped apart at the seams. Then ... Pan closed his eyes. The results had not been pretty. Gabrielle had changed, so much that Pan had thought for a heartbeat that she was a different person. Her face had taken on an icy demeanor, and her eyes sparked with a fire that usually burned only in predatory creatures such as a wolf or an eagle. As she sauntered away from him, Pan had an unsettling image of a lioness stalking prey.
There was another thing, too ... something more subtle, yet chilling nonetheless. Being a god, mortals had always had this "feel" to his senses. Pan had always looked upon them as if they were some inferior species, only suitable to play around with, regarding them as they, themselves, would have regarded an amusing pet. Now, there was nothing even remotely amusing about Gabrielle. In fact, Pan would think twice in calling her inferior. The cold precision and power that flowed from her body told him that if anything, he should make sure that she wouldn't come and hunt HIM. Loathe as he was to admit it, even if he was a god, Pan wasn't so sure that he could handle her if the bard took it in her mind that she wanted his hide. It seemed that a soul light did more than just brighten a human's existence ... it was the thing that kept a human ... human.
Pan tried to shrug that idea off. It wasn't his problem now, was it? It was Gabrielle who made the decision, not him. However, a little voice in the back of his head, one that he had never heard before, kept nibbling away at that argument. It kept telling him that HE was responsible for whatever Gabrielle would now do. After all, he had created her present state of being. Pan scoffed. Him? *Responsible*? The word usually did not enter his vocabulary. Why should he be responsible? He was a deity, wasn't he? He had the power ... why couldn't he do what he wanted with it? Yet, try as he might, the nagging voice refused to be silenced. Instead it made him feel worse. Pan groaned. May Chaos forbid ... was he actually growing a conscience? If he were, what did it want him to do? Give back the light? But that would be a selfless act ... and he did *not* deal in selfless acts. It would totally ruin his reputation as a carefree and reckless spirit! Pan stamped, annoyed. He could not let that happen. Besides, he liked having Gabrielle's soul light. It gave the world around him a different view. For the first time in his existence, he seemed to notice things ... how bright the sun was or how refreshing life seemed to be. Normally, things like that would have been a blur to him. After all, the importance of life is little when you live forever. Now it was as if his senses had been awakened, and he saw the land in a much different view. Now he understood why mortals did the things they did.
"Baa?" a soft voice asked him. Pan turned around to see one of his favorite pet goats limping toward him. Its leg had been carefully and lovingly wrapped in a splint, and it looked quite comfortable as it nuzzled the faun. Seeing the little creature, Pan felt a lump form in his throat as he fingered the bandage around its leg. The cloth looked startlingly familiar, which made him feel even worse. Why in heavens' name did that mortal have to be so GOOD?!?! It made him feel sick, not to mention very ashamed. Well, at least he could make sure that the girl had not come to any harm. He owed her that much. Sighing, Pan began walking toward where he had last saw the bard, thoughts still in turmoil.
"Get out of my way!" he warned. The woman did not reply, but just raised the staff she was carrying into attack position. A slow smile spread across Corvin's face. He remembered her ... she had been the one who had hit him a couple of days ago, making him lose face in the eyes of all his men. Besides, wasn't she one of Xena's top commanders? His lips curled into a sneer as he studied her for a moment. She was injured now and would be easy prey. He brought his sword up to attack position. Perhaps if he took her head back to Falceus, he might regain the warlord's favor. Lost in his thoughts, he was unprepared for the first blow she gave him as she darted around him, staff aiming across his back. Only the slimmest margin of luck saved him from a crushed spine as he turned and stumbled away at the last moment. He caught a glancing blow, but the fat cells in his stomach cushioned most of the shock. Angered by the pain, he lashed back. Although he was not the smartest of men, nor was he the best of all soldiers, Corvin was quite adept when it came to swordplay, especially when he wasn't drunk. In truth, that was the only thing he was good at. However, the young woman fought extremely well despite her injury. In fact, she did not even seem to notice any pain but instead fought with an intensity that chilled even Corvin's crude soul. As he looked into his opponent's eyes, Corvin began to feel the grip of pure terror. There was nothing in her eyes ... no fear, no rage ... *nothing*. He could as well have been fighting a force of nature. There was no way he could win.
"I give up! I yield!" he screamed desperately as he felt himself trip and fall. But she didn't seem to hear. Corvin watched as she brought her staff upward to strike the blow that would crush his skull ...
[She's going to kill him!] Xena thought wildly. Almost unconsciously, she reached for her chakram. The weapon whined through the air, just in time to block the bard's blow. As the staff was knocked out of Gabrielle's hands, the bard turned to give the warrior a chilling look before grabbing Corvin's sword to finish the job.
"Gabrielle! Stop! What are you doing?!?! He's down ... you can stop now!" Xena yelled as she ran over to them. Gabrielle did not even hesitate. She brought down the blade. Xena lunged forward and collided with the bard, knocking her down before she could kill the soldier. To her utter amazement, Gabrielle threw her off the moment they landed, and in seconds Xena found that she was fighting for her own life.
"Gabrielle, why are you doing this? I don't understand ... this is not like you!" Xena said over the clang of their swords. The bard did not answer. "Gabrielle, we need to talk about this. Why are you fighting me? What happened to you?" It was to no avail. The bard kept pushing relentlessly forward, and Xena realized dully that for once in her life, it was she who was on the losing side of the sword. Even if she wanted to kill the bard now, Xena doubted that she would have the chance. Gabrielle seemed to be possessed with some inhuman strength and battle cunning ... each of her moves was perfect and precise to a point even the Warrior Princess could not achieve. It was almost as if another person had taken the place of the bard, one who knew the ways of a warrior and did not hesitate to kill. Xena shivered as she locked eyes with her friend. They held an vacant look that Xena did not recognize. Even when she fought the most vicious warlord there was always something there. Fear, arrogance, blood lust, battle passion ... some human emotion. However, Gabrielle's eyes were empty. Xena bit back her fear. It was as if her friend was no longer human ...
"Gabrielle!" another voice interjected. Xena realized that the others had now joined them.
"Stay back! I don't know what's come over her!" the warrior yelled as she blocked another blow from Gabrielle's sword. However, that distraction was all that Gabrielle needed. Lunging past Xena's defenses, she was able to land a blow that slashed Xena's arm and nearly jarred the sword out of her hand. Biting back the pain, Xena watched and waited for the bard to finish her off. Gabrielle was bringing her blade around ...
"Gabby, please stop! You're hurting Xena!" A small form suddenly ran in between the two, and with a numb feeling of horror, Xena recognized Jilly. Gabrielle turned for a split second, and Xena saw that she was going to kill the child. Acting on the opening now presented to her, Xena struck out with her sword, hoping against hope that her blow would not kill ...
"BAAAAAAA!" A white object exploded into the scene, knocking Gabrielle out of the path of Xena's sword, and effectively neutralizing the danger that the bard herself represented. Xena was bowled backward, and Jilly found herself flat on her stomach. The warrior was up on her feet in an instant, and she ran over to where Gabrielle lay on the ground. The goat, however, blocked her path as it baa'd insistently. A familiar flash of light replied to the little animal, and Xena found herself facing Pan again.
"That was quite interesting." The demigod sounded a little shaken and more than a bit uncomfortable. If Xena hadn't known better, she would have said that Pan looked ... guilty. But that was impossible ... gods did not feel guilt ... "Although not quite what I had in mind. I guess it wasn't such a good idea to fool around with you mortals."
"Tell me what did you do to her!" Xena demanded as she pointed her sword at the faun. "Why did she attack me? What's going on?"
"Put that thing down! You're going to poke someone's eye out." Pan waved an annoyed hand and the sword leaped out of the warrior's hand and buried itself tip first into the ground, far out of Xena's reach. The faun shifted nervously as the pair of ice blue eyes boring into him became even more outraged. He thought for a moment, and seemed to come to some sort of a decision. "Relax. I've just come to return something I borrowed. That's all."
"You haven't answered my questions!"
"Maybe this will." The god pulled out a round, glowing object. Although it was mostly gold in color, it also contained every hue of the rainbow and the colors swirled as the orb pulsed in time to some unknown rhythm. It was one of the most beautiful things that Xena had ever seen in her life, and she longed to touch it with her hands and feel its surface. Breaking her gaze from the luminous sphere, she turned to Pan, puzzled.
"What does that have anything to do with this?"
"It belongs to you friend," he said quietly as he looked at Gabrielle, who had gotten up and was now facing both of them. He released the ball, and it floated toward the bard. The young woman held out a hand, and the sphere glowed even more brighter, expanding to include the bard's whole body in its light. For a breathspan, Gabrielle was surrounded by a golden halo. Then the light was absorbed by the bard, and Gabrielle fell down with a soft sigh. Xena started to go over to her, but Pan stopped her with a glance.
"She'll be all right. She's whole now," he said.
"I'm really starting to get annoyed ..." Xena warned.
"I guess I do owe something of an explanation. Your friend tried to pay a price that I could not accept. Indeed, I had no right to ask for what I did. That is something of which I have been reminded thoroughly," he winced. "And besides, I do owe her a favor for saving Bambi here." Pan patted the goat fondly. "In short, it was not Gabrielle's fault that she tried to kill you. She had no control over her actions because I took her soul light away."
"YOU DID WHAT?!?!" Xena yelled, anger and rage brimming over.
"Calm down! Sheesh ... you're so touchy. Anyway, she gave it to me in order to ensure the safety of the villagers. I had no idea that this would happen. It seems like not having a soul light can bring about grave consequences with you mortals. It even has some unpleasant side effects for us gods. It isn't fun at all, you know, to have a conscience. It's strange. It's your greatest power, one that not even a god could control. However, it is also your weakest point ... the thing that keeps you ... human, in all your flaws and glory. You saw how she fought without her light. Have you ever seen anyone else fight like that? She could have killed all of you easily, without a second thought. She wouldn't even feel any remorse. She wasn't burdened with her emotions any more." Pan backed away from Xena's murderous glance. "Hey, it was interesting! But don't get mad at me ... I've returned it," Pan said defensively. "Not that it ever really belonged to me anyway."
"I guess I can thank you for that," Xena growled.
"Can you actually believe that I was really beginning to worry about what would happen to her, you, and the village? Plus, I had the feeling that I wasn't doing the right thing ... and, man, that can really feel bad! Guilt, bah! I don't know how you mortals handle consciences. Especially one like Gabrielle's. It was driving me crazy." Pan shrugged. "So it was as much for my own sake as it was for hers. Chaos never meant for us deities to have such power. And I say let you mortals have it. Who needs morals anyway?" he grinned, but looked at Xena with a trace of sadness.
"Protect her well, Warrior Princess. You hold a treasure far more valuable than you could even guess at."
"I know," Xena whispered as the god disappeared. Gabrielle was already stirring, and within moments, the bard was up, blinking blearily. Xena helped her stand, and both leaned on each other for support as they looked at the last dying rays of the sun.
The wind was sweet and cold as it blew through Gabrielle's hair as she stood alone on the hillside. She closed her eyes and just let the invisible fingers sweep through the strands. She could feel the warm rays of the sun, too, as it gently caressed her face. Gabrielle gave a half smile as she remembered her surprise when the sun had first come up the day after Falceus' defeat. It was almost unthinkable then that the world could keep on turning after so many momentous things had happened. However, go on turning it did, much to Gabrielle's amazement. She fingered her staff as the familiar pain welled up from the depths of her soul. So much had happened ... Gabrielle was still bewildered by it all. Had she really commanded a small army? Almost killed her best friend? It had not been easy, in those few days afterward, when the full realization of what she had done finally sank in. Despite Xena's insistence that she was not responsible for her actions, Gabrielle could not take the image of her almost killing her best friend from her mind. As it were, Xena did not get off without any harm. Gabrielle winced when she thought of the arm wound that the Warrior Princess had received by her hand. How could anyone forgive her for that?
Also, the kind attentions of the villagers had made things worse. They had begun a celebration in her honor. Normally, Gabrielle loved parties, for they provided a chance for her to break loose from the stresses of life on the road. Now the festivals only made her sick. How could they celebrate what she had done? She was the one who started all the trouble in the first place. Gabrielle curled herself into a ball on the emerald grass. No. She did not deserve to have this recognition. She had not done anything great! So despite all the heartfelt pleading for her to join them, the bard had avoided the parties and celebrations as best she could. It was funny how something meant to bring joy could bring so much pain. Now she knew why Xena normally avoided celebrations in her honor. Gabrielle curled into a even tighter ball. As if it wasn't bad enough that she had almost killed her best friend, now Gabrielle did not know how to even face her. She remembered the hurt look on Xena's face when she had pushed the warrior away. The bard moaned. She knew that Xena only wanted to help, but how could she make the warrior understand? She was not worthy enough to travel with Xena anymore ... how could the warrior even want her back?
[Nonsense. You're babbling complete nonsense and you know it.] A strangely familiar voice broke harshly into her thoughts. Gabrielle blinked. Now even her mind was turning against her! [You've been feeling sorry for yourself for two weeks now! Isn't that long enough? Quit being so selfish! Think about what Xena feels ... you know how she feels! She would never push you away, silly bard!]
"But I hurt her, and I made such a mess of things ..." Gabrielle muttered aloud.
[Did you now? Did you really mean to hurt Xena?] The voice in her head persisted.
"No, but I ... I'm different now. I can't handle these problems!"
[Hmph! Can't handle the problems now, eh? Or *won't*? Maybe you don't have the strength to do it on your own, but who says you have to do it alone? Xena's there! You know that! Or are you afraid to take your own medicine?] her mind voice said accusingly. [Xena knows the pain you're going through. You know she'll help you. You're just hurting yourself AND her by being too stubborn to admit that! And quit moaning and groaning about how much you've changed and how horrible you are! You know the inside to your soul ... and it's not horrible. Now get up and get going!]
Gabrielle looked up. For the first time in many days, she felt like she knew who she was again. She knew what to do now. The wind tugged at her hair, beckoning, and Gabrielle obeyed its call. She grinned faintly as she got up from the grass. As annoying as it may sound, it was good to hear from her conscience again.
From his hiding place in the bushes, Pan gave his own mischievous grin. "I haven't lost that mind touch thing, have I, Bambi?" he asked his goat. "These mortals are soooo gullible. Hey, I had to do it! No telling how long she would have moped about otherwise, and her own conscience wasn't doing such a great job! Now, that should take care of my good deed for the century ..."
"Don't you just love a great party?" Janya grinned as she and Martis approached the Warrior Princess. "Still, it would be better if our resident hero joined in."
Xena looked at the both of them and shook her head. "Parties are not one of my favorite ways to spend my free time."
"Come on, everyone loves a good party now and then." Martis smiled as he put a arm around Janya and hugged her close. "Grab a guy and let's hit the dance floor. I'll show you some moves that would put your dagger dance to shame." His grin grew wider as the sounds of an Amazon drum began to drift through the air.
"You could at least join in our celebration dance after making us come all this way," a new voice joined them. Xena nodded to Queen Melosa as the Amazon walked up to them. "It is an awful breech of conduct if you don't."
"After all, you didn't save any of the action for us," Tyldus snorted. Xena favored both of them with a small smile. "Although we do have to thank you for giving us peace and killing the tyrant Falceus. And also ... for my grandson's life and that of my daughter-in-law." His eyes clouded for a moment before clearing. "We all owe you a great debt."
Xena turned away, "It's not me you owe, it's Gabrielle. It was her plan that stopped the war between you and Falceus' army."
"We would thank her if we could find her. Where is our Amazon princess, anyway?" Melosa cocked an eyebrow. "It is highly impolite of her to miss all this."
"She's been ... by herself most the time, or in the woods," Janya replied softly as Xena looked at the ground.
"It's not her fault," Xena spoke up defensively. "She needs to be alone." [She doesn't even want to speak to me ...] her mind wailed forlornly. Gods, did it hurt to know that. Gabrielle was in such torment, but there was nothing Xena could do but wait until the bard had come to terms with herself. Melosa and Tyldus, both seasoned warriors themselves, understood immediately and backed away from the question. Silence fell uneasily. Finally, Xena broke it.
"What do you plan to do now that you're free of Falceus?" she asked Martis and Janya.
"Well, we're thinking of setting up a regional council. We heard about a new idea that happened in Athens ... rule by the people." Martis shook his head. "We don't know if it can be done, but we're willing to try. We're tired of being ordered around by one person with absolute power. Maybe if everyone had a voice in the government, then we can ensure that a tyrant will never hold our lands again."
"We can do so much." Janya's eyes sparkled. "We're going to make this a slave-free area ... I think all of us have spent too much time in slavery to ever commit that sin again. Most importantly though, we want to make it a land dedicated to peace. We've seen enough warfare to last us several generations." She looked up at Martis and smiled softly. "We want our children to be able to say that they've never picked up a sword in anger ... only in defense."
"You have a good start already," Xena told them. "And if you ever need additional help to defend your land ..."
"You have stout allies," Melosa spoke up. "Peace is never kept easily, but when it is had, everyone benefits. We need to talk about forming trade routes and communication lines among our people ..."
"Enough! You humans will talk politics until the sun falls into the sea!" Tyldus pawed the earth good-naturedly. "All will fall into place in time! Come, the night is young, and it is time to celebrate the victory of life and freedom!" So saying, he led the group toward where an Amazon dance had begun.
Xena hung back and watched them go before turning away to find her own solitary path back to the village. There was so much to think about. Her mind spun in circles, asking questions without answers. Most of all, though, Xena felt afraid. Ever since Gabrielle returned to the village, the bard had remained separate from the warrior, almost as apart as when she had been fighting Xena. She closed her eyes. What if ... what if the bard had finally decided to leave her side for good? Did Xena now remind her of memories too painful for the bard to bear? Just thinking about it made her soul quiver. She wanted to know ... yet she was afraid that she already knew the answer. However, when Xena had tried to broach the subject, Gabrielle had pushed her away. Xena fought back the urge to wail in despair.
If only there was some way to convince Gabrielle to stay with her. Yet, if Gabrielle wanted to go ... Xena sighed. Could she stop her? Should she? Xena let her hands drop helplessly to her side. She hated this feeling of not being in control! She was a warrior who had taken charge of her life for as long as she could remember. Now, though, she felt as helpless ... as a child. Going into Jalen's tavern, the warrior sought out the room which Gabrielle had holed up ever since the festivals had begun. However, to her surprise and dismay, all the bard's belongings had been packed. Xena felt her stomach clench in fear. Had Gabrielle decided to leave without even telling her? Xena shivered as her eyes swept over the room. [I've been left so often before by ones I love ... Lyceus, Marcus, ... Father ... not you, too, Gabrielle. Not when I finally found out that it's okay to need someone so much ... please ... I don't want to be alone ...]
"She's waiting for you." A voice suddenly broke into her thoughts. Xena turned to find Kala looking at her compassionately.
"What?" Xena looked up, hope lighting her eyes.
"She didn't abandon you." Kala gave the warrior a kind smile. "She would never do that to you, so don't worry. She gave me instructions to tell you where to meet her."
"But why all this haste?" the warrior wondered.
"I think Gabrielle's ready to move on. She left before you did because she didn't want to create a big scene, which both of you leaving at the same time would have certainly caused. She's already said goodbye to me, but I don't think she wants to face the others yet. They still bring back painful memories for her."
"Like I do," Xena whispered. "I just wish she would talk this out with me ... I want to help her."
"I know you do. But like your trial at the Apollo's spring, Gabrielle has to face herself alone." Kala shrugged. "That's the way of life."
"But she did help me at the spring." Xena shook her head at Kala's puzzled look. "It's hard to explain. She was there for me. I need to be there for her. That's just what we do for each other. Always," she stated firmly.
"I'm not one to argue then." Kala looked at Xena fondly. "You've come a long way, warrior, from the last time I saw you. And so has Gabrielle. You're right though ... she does need you to come after her. I'm very worried about her, you know. Gabrielle's view of the world, and her view of herself has been badly shaken. She needs to someone to confirm her to her that she IS worth something. I don't think anyone else can give her that but you."
"I know," Xena replied simply as she got up. "I've got to go, but there's one more thing I have to do before I leave."
"Wheeeeeee!" Jilly shouted as she and Xena galloped over the green fields of Cyanthus. "Faster!" she giggled. Argo complied and soon, they were racing the wind. "This is FUN!" Jilly breathed in excitement as Xena slowed down the horse. The warrior gave the little girl a soft smile.
"I'm glad you enjoyed it," she said.
"I've never ridden a real war horse before! Wait till' I tell Dylan and little Xena!" Jilly's eyes sparkled with joy as she threw her arms around the warrior's neck.
"Jilly, that's what I have to talk about," Xena said somberly as she dismounted and lifted the little girl off the horse. "Little Xena's not going to be coming back."
"Why? Gabby promised she would be. She's my bestest friend. I want to play with her." Jilly's eyes showed confusion.
"I know that, little one, but you see ... little Xena is gone. She'll miss you a lot, but she can't come back to play. She has some really important things to do and she would love it more than anything to come back to play with you but ..."
"She's a Warrior Princess, right?" Jilly said sadly. "She can't play when she's a warrior princess, nor cry, or other stuff like that. I wish she could though." The little girl patted Argo wistfully. "She was so much fun. Tell her I miss her, 'kay?"
Jilly paused for a moment, gazing deep into Xena's eyes before suddenly smiling, her voice full of wonder. "You're wrong, you know. Little Xena's not gone," she said, with the undiluted belief that only a child could possess. At Xena's puzzled look, the girl whispered conspiratorially. "... 'Cause no one can ever beat her! Not even the bad guys! Little Xena'll always be there ..."
"You may be right ..." Xena said thoughtfully.
"Of course I am. Side kickers are like Warrior Princesses. They're almost never ever wrong," Jilly declared.
"I'll try to keep that in mind next time I see my partner." Xena gave Jilly a wry grin. "Speaking of which, I better go now. Run along back to the village and give those notes I wrote to Kala, Janya, and the Amazons. They're goodbye notices." Xena explained when she saw Jilly fingering the papers curiously.
"Why do you have to go?" Jilly asked. "I don't want you to leave."
"I know, but I can't stay. I have a friend that needs my help." Xena turned to get back onto Argo.
"I bet it's Gabby. She looked really hurted." Jilly sounded sad. "I hope you can help her. She's really nice. I like her a lot!"
"So do I," Xena said wistfully. "I've got to go now ..."
"Will you and Gabby come back and visit me sometimes?" Big brown eyes turned to look at her pleadingly.
"We'll see," she smiled at the child. "Go on back to the village ..." Xena commanded her firmly.
The little girl hesitated again. "Xena?"
"Now what?"
Jilly gave her a shy smile. "I wanna be like you and Gabby when I grow up."
She gave the surprised warrior another hug and a quick kiss before running off towards the village. Xena watched her go until she was sure that the little girl had reached the village safely. Her heart felt a little lighter despite the coming task she faced. Someone wanted to be like her? That was a change! Xena wished the girl luck. Jilly made it sound as if her job was child's play. The Warrior Princess swung onto Argo's back. Now, if only facing Gabrielle would be so easy ...
"Hello," she said softly.
"Hi," Gabrielle replied, not looking up as she gazed into the flames. Xena took a seat across from her friend and waited patiently. Finally, the bard smiled wryly and looked up. "Thanks for coming."
"Always. Although this beck and call thing usually grates on my nerves. I'm a warrior, not a messenger," Xena joked gently, then straightened "Seriously though, I really wish you asked for my help earlier, Gabrielle. You should know that I'm always here for you, just like you're always there for me."
"Some things you just have to do alone." Gabrielle shrugged. "I spent a lot of time thinking ..."
"Well, that's a change," Xena teased, trying to lighten the bard's heavy mood, and Gabrielle rewarded her with another tiny grin.
"Jokes, Xena? You really are in a good mood. Well, as I was saying, I've been thinking these two weeks, and the only thing I came up with is that I can't work through this alone."
"You don't have to," Xena told her calmly. "That's the mistake I always make."
"It is ironic, isn't it?" Gabrielle said suddenly. "I'm usually the one who has to get you to talk and you're the one who's the party pooper. This whole adventure's turned everything upside down."
"Doesn't matter. It's just my turn. Now what's been the problem? Why have you been hiding from everyone? And me?"
"I've never rallied anybody to war before, destroyed a child's innocence, and nearly murdered my best friend," Gabrielle said quietly. "It's a little hard to get used to. I didn't know if you wanted to be near me after that."
"And all this time, I thought you were the one that didn't want to be near me." Xena shook her head. "What fools we are, not to know each other better. Listen to me, Gabrielle, and listen well. That part about killing my innocence ... I was the one who chose to be what I am. There was nothing you could have done to shield me from the truth forever. My past is a part of me, no matter what I do to try to erase it. Just know that you're helping me deal with that section of my life. And about rallying the people to war ... well, I know all about that."
Gabrielle shuddered. "I feel sick inside, knowing I was leading people to their deaths, for a cause ..."
"A good cause ..."
"But just words, nonetheless."
"Just words? Gabrielle, you should know that words sometimes hold more power than life itself! The cause you fought for was just one. The people who followed you believed in it. Most importantly, they fought on their own accord. You didn't force them into war; they were ready to go and you just showed them the way."
"But Xena, the power I had, to cause such destruction ... and people got hurt ... killed ... because of me ..."
"It was THEIR choice to fight. They knew the stakes. You were a good leader .. and you didn't let the power you had go to your head. That's the most important thing. You didn't enjoy warfare ... you just did what you had to." Xena shrugged. "Unlike the power I held, you were willing to let it go when the time came. If you're worried about almost becoming a warlord yourself, forget it. No offense, but you really aren't that type of person. The way you fought was defensively, and with the least amount of bloodshed possible. Notice I didn't say effectively ... if it was me, I would have found another way to defeat Falceus and take control of his army, quickly and efficiently. Of course, it would involve a lot more casualties. However, if you were hungry for power, that wouldn't have mattered to you."
Gabrielle refused to be consoled yet, however. "The worst part of it all is that I remember trying to kill you and almost killing Jilly. I didn't feel anything ... it didn't matter if I killed you. I just didn't care ... all I wanted to do was hunt and kill ... life meant nothing to me." The bard's shoulders shook slightly at the memory. "And that's not the only time, you know. I turned like that even with my soul light intact ... remember the time with Callisto? It doesn't matter if you were the one who killed her...*I* was the one who wanted her dead ..."
"No! It *does* matter ... and if it helps, I didn't kill her for you," Xena said solemnly. "I did it for the sake of all innocents, so that no one else would die by her hand. She was my responsibility... you just became a convenient target. As for trying to kill Jilly and me, well, you didn't succeed."
"But I could have. I almost did. How do you live with that sort of memory implanted forever in you heart?"
"You just do," Xena replied evenly. "Do you know what I saw went into the spring of truth? I saw all the faces of the people I killed or helped slaughter, and I saw the full extent of the evil that had gripped my soul. One thing in particular, though. I remember a figure dressed in black, that reeked of death. It kept trying to catch me, and when it did, I fought against it." She shivered.
"It was no use though. You can't fight your own soul. It finally pinned me down, and started to reveal its cloaked face. However, instead of seeing my own decayed soul, I saw your face, and that of Hercules, Mother ... and all who had ever loved me. I saw all the people we've helped. Most of all I saw you, as you tried to defend a little girl's blood innocence. The whole time you kept shouting to me that you knew I wasn't totally evil, that there was still good inside of me. It gave me the strength to come back and be who I am today. I knew then that my soul light had not died altogether. It's very dim and covered by many layers of guilt and hate, and I will probably spend a lifetime trying to recover it again. When I do find that light though, it will be with your help. So you see, Gabrielle? We're all vested with equal amounts of both light and darkness in our souls, and sometimes, the darkness wins over the light. However, no matter how dark it gets, the light will never be put out."
"I don't know, Xena. I'm not the same person anymore. So much has changed ..."
"Yet so much has stayed the same." Xena gave Gabrielle a warm smile. "Do you remember what you said, on the last night before you left me at Apollo's temple? You told me ... that I wasn't a bad girl, and to you, I would never be. Well, I just want you to know that the same applies to you. You'll never be anything less than the most kind and noble person I've ever had the honor to know, not to me. Your heart is always in the right place, Gabrielle, even when you're giving up your soul light. Don't ever push me away again, okay? If there's one thing I learned, as much as I need you to be there for me, I need to be there for you even more ..." Xena turned away, her voice cracking with emotion. "Because I can't lose you ... I couldn't do this without you."
"Xena ... that's not true ..." Gabrielle said softly, knowing how hard it was for her friend to admit this.
"You know it is," the warrior replied simply. "I learned that much from this experience ..."
The bard regarded her quietly. "Xena ... just what do you remember about being a child?"
"Bits and pieces. It's like a very real dream." Xena's expression took on a wistful cast. "I remember being safe, warm, and protected by you. I remember the laughter and the sunlight, though I also remember the danger and feeling vulnerable and helpless against it. It was the first time in a long while that I've needed someone to defend me both physically and emotionally. It wasn't exactly comfortable, mind you, but in a way, it felt good to need someone, to be able to laugh and cry with abandon. I didn't know HOW tight I had become until I woke up from a child to a full-fledged Warrior Princess. I have a long way to go still, Gabrielle, and I know I'm not perfect. But I-I'll try not to block you out so much, if you promise that you'll do the same."
Gabrielle fought her surprise. A vow from the Warrior Princess was iron in grip ... for Xena to make a promise like meant a lot, and she was deeply touched. Perhaps they were both healing. The bard held out a pinkie.
"Promise, promise, and if I lie ..." she began, with a flicker of a smile in her voice.
"Kill me dead until I die," the warrior completed and hooked her finger into the bard's, swinging downward gently.
"It's official then ..." Gabrielle grinned.
Xena smiled back at her, blue eyes content. "You know what?" she said half-playfully and half-seriously. "Most of all, I remember the peace ... and it's still with me, even now. For once in my life, the voices of the past have a new tone to them."
"I just hope you're right about me ..."
"I know I am. Trust me. Don't worry, your light is still there. I saw Pan put it back myself. I mean, if your light could actually teach a god humility, then it has to be some strong stuff, right? I don't think anyone could ever dampen it. Of course, if anyone else does try to take your light away again, I pity them. You blade is very sharp." Xena rubbed her arm while giving Gabrielle a wry glance. The bard traced the ground with her eyes, embarrassed.
"I'm sorry about that. Is it feeling better?" Gabrielle mumbled.
The warrior gave her a reassuring grin. "It doesn't hurt at all. Don't dwell on it. You really didn't really score a deep blow. It could have been worse."
"Tell me about it," Gabrielle shuddered.
"Let's just say I'm glad that there's not a whole army of you. Even I couldn't stop you then." Xena also shivered. An army of inhuman Gabrielles ... the thought was chilling. Of course, an army of regular Gabrielles was not all that comforting, either. Much as she loved her friend, one Gabrielle was all she could handle. Her eyes twinkled in amusement. "How's your side?"
"Doing better." Gabrielle gave Xena a hug. "Thanks, Xena."
"Your welcome. Just returning the favor. However, I don't want to be in your shoes when Queen Melosa catches up with you. You left without saying goodbye to anyone and that's highly improper of a Amazon princess." The warrior princess gave her a mischievous side glance.
"I just didn't think I could deal with them ..."
"Don't worry. They know," Xena replied. "You do have a way of suddenly popping off by yourself, though. You need to do something about it."
Gabrielle blushed as she turned away. "Point taken." She glanced in the direction of the village. "Do you think that Cyanthus will be all right?" Gabrielle asked as she bent to remove something from the fire.
"Yes. They'll have more plow animals than they'll know what to do with, but they should be fine, with people like Martis and Janya at the reins." Xena watched the bard as she handed her a large chunk of salmon that had been smoked in dock leaves.
"I'm happy for them," Gabrielle said. "You know, Xena, I still have a lot to think about, but I feel so much better. Gee, you'd make a good counselor."
"I learned from the best," Xena remarked as she bit into her fish. "This is good, but I really would have preferred rabbit."
"Well, er, my traps got tangled again," Gabrielle shrugged apologetically. "But if you're hungry, there's always more trail biscuits ..."
Both of them just laughed. Xena felt a delighted smile forming on her lips and decided to let it show. It felt so good to hear Gabrielle's laughter again. It was then she knew that her friend would be all right.
"Xena ... thanks for being my soul light this time 'round," Gabrielle said earnestly as she hugged the warrior.
"Gabrielle ..." Xena began, but found she could not say anything. Her throat was suddenly too tight with emotion.
The bard just held up a hand. "I know," she yawned. "I think I'm going to get some sleep. It'll be the first time in longer than I care to remember. So enjoy the silence while you can."
"Why?" Xena raised an eyebrow.
"Because tomorrow I'm going to have to write this story down and silence will be in short supply. I'll be babbling again," Gabrielle replied as she snuggled down into her bedding.
The warrior only gave her a patient smile.
After the bard had dropped off into a deep sleep, Xena went over to her saddlebags. Pulling out a small, wooden figure from its depths, she stroked it gently before returning to her place by the fire.
"I wouldn't have it any other way, Gabby," she whispered.
Also, I would like to thank Rebekah again for her help ... over the summer, my computer was hit by lightening, and I lost all my files, including this one. Through her help, and Imbri's, I've been slowly rebuilding what I used to have. This piece would not be in existence if it weren't for Rebekah sending it back to me and urging me to start over again. You two are the best!
Anyway, I'll stop babbling now and leave off with a poem that originally came tacked on with the piece. I'm a bard wannabe, NOT a poet, so RUN while you can! I won't be held responsible for the awful mauling of the written word that's about to occur.
Still here? Well, don't say I didn't warn you ...
Childhood's End
by Anon. (F.S.)
Born in light
but tempered in dark
set by Fate's wheel
on the shadowed path.
No chance nor choice
but like a leaf in the wind
tossed to the rhythm
of the drum at war.
Yet, Time turns again
and yields a new flame
to recycle within cycle
a soul within a soul.
Till the path is broken
and forks in 'twain
one towards future gold
other toward past grey.
A choice and a chance
to rekindle the fire
of youth and innocence
lost to destiny's hands.
Or to exchange Daisy rings
for Chakram's circle
and starlit laughter
for the warrior's cry.
Truth meets truth
choices and chances
So the decision is made
so childhood ends.