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A SLOW BOAT TO CAIRO
or
CAPER, CAPER part 2
by Ryan Dever

...Continued

SCENE 18

INT. XENA & GABRIELLE'S CABIN. MORNING.
Xena pulls back the curtains and light floods the room. Gabrielle whimpers.


XENA
C'mon get up.

GABRIELLE
Shhh. ooo.

XENA
Fair enough but you're going to have to eat. I'll bring you something. (she waits for a response but apparently Gabrielle is dead) What would you like me to bring you?

GABRIELLE
Some very quietly scrambled eggs and a muffled tomato juice ooo

XENA
I wouldn't normally say I told you so but-

GABRIELLE
Get out.(pleading) please. Oh ho-ho

SCENE 19

EXT. DECK. DAY.
As Xena walks to the dinning room she over hears Samuel giving Helen a dressing down. The following is in the background as the camera follows Xena.

HELEN
I don't know what could have happened.

SAMUEL
Well it cant happen again. I'm going to have to change all the locks that you had keys for.

HELEN
Will it cost much?

SAMUEL
Not after I take it out of your pay. Use mine for now. (hands her his keys)

INT. DINING ROOM. DAY.
Xena enters. The cook stands behind a breakfast buffet. Michlos and Siduri are at a table arguing quietly but intensely.

SIDURI
But just last night you said that a price could not be put on-

MICHLOS
We can not afford-

SIDURI
To save starving children?

MICHLOS
I will have no more discussion of this!

they both see Xena and fall silent.


XENA
(to the cook) What'a ya got? (the cook lifts the covers off the steaming pans) mmmm eel. Bacon, apple sauce. (grabs a plate and starts to load up) Grapefruit juice. Have ya got any quietly scrambled eggs?

COOK
At the end. She's got a hang over, huh?

XENA
...and a muffled tomato juice. I'll take it to her when I'm done. (picks up a pancake. Flops it back and forth) What's this?

COOK
You put syrup on them.

XENA
Really?

From off screen we hear Helen scream. CUT TO

SCENE 20

INT. HALL. DAY.
Helen stands shaking at the door to Prosperino's room. Xena is the first to arrive followed by Michlos, Siduri, the cook, Achnautn and finally Autolycus who makes eye contact with Xena. Xena looks at Helen who points into the room. Xena enters.

INT. PROSPERINO'S ROOM. DAY.
Prosperino lays dead in her bed one hand dangling to the floor. Xena places the hand back in the bed and closes Prosperino's eyes. Rigor is setting in.

SAMUEL
(from the corridor) What?! What is going on here? (enters)

XENA
Prosperino, died in her sleep.

SAMUEL
oh.. um,.. (quickly turns to the door) Move along! Show the dead some respect. Stop gawking. Helen, go see to the rest of the rooms. (closes the door) Of all the inconvenient-

XENA
(reminding him that she is still there) Well have to keep her someplace cool until we make port.

SAMUEL
Of course, I'll arrange something in the hold. (exists)

Xena begins to untuck the sheets in preparation of moving the body. She stops and picks up a tiny dart, not much more than a thorn really. Its tip is dark with poison. She looks about the cabin but all is neat and in place, even the gem which she picks up. It doesn't make sense, nothing was stolen and they're on a boat so the killer couldn't get away. THE SKIFF !!

SCENE 21

EXT. DECK. DAY.
Xena stands where the skiff was tied the diamond pendant still dangling from her hand. She turns back to the deck.

XENA
Samuel!

SAMUEL
(entering) Yes? What are you doing with that? (the diamond)

XENA
We have to account for everyone on board. Prosperino was murdered and the skiff is missing.

SAMUEL
What!?

XENA
I found a poisoned dart on her bed but nothing seems to be missing. At least not the most valuable thing.

SAMUEL
They're all having breakfast.

SCENE 22

INT. DINNING ROOM. DAY.
Xena and Samuel enter. Everyone is there except Gabrielle. Achnautn is worried because he realizes that Prosperino's death was probably not natural and he saw the kid in the hallway. Autolycus is nervous but cool because he has the stone and if anyone is going to suspect him its Xena. Simon is thoroughly pissed because the dart only had sleep poison on it and he still doesn't have the stone.

SAMUEL
Everyone is here except, your friend.

XENA
She was in our cabin all night.

Simon sees the gem and his eyes go wide.


SAMUEL
(whispering) So somebody murdered her, took nothing and then stayed on the boat?

XENA
Maybe whoever it was killed her, took the gem, lost the skiff, or saw that it was gone and returned the gem so that there wouldn't be anything to connect them to her.

AUTOLYCUS
What are you two whispering about over there?

MICHLOS
Yes, and what are you doing with Prosperino's necklace?

XENA
(realizing that she still has the necklace) I thought that the captain should hold it for safe keeping until we dock.

SIMON
Shouldn't her possessions be kept with her body until her family can claim them?

SAMUEL
(taking the necklace) She has no next of kin. She's been making this journey twice a year for as long as I've run this river. She's a widower with no children, was a widower.

AUTOLYCUS
Still, you should keep her personal effects together until we decide what should be done.

Xena gives Autolycus a look that says, “I'm watching you.” His look says, “I'm offended.”


SAMUEL
Yes, that would be best.

As Samuel turns the gem bounces off something and a small piece falls to the floor. Xena picks up the piece, looks at it, tastes it. Sugar.


XENA
Autolycus?

AUTOLYCUS
Yes?

seeing that he is already halfway out the door her look goes from “I'm watching you.” to “I'm going to kill you.” He bolts.


XENA
Autolycus!

SCENE 23

EXT. DECK. DAY. / EXT. UPPER DECK. DAY.

AUTOLYCUS
(Running for his life) You gotta believe me, Xena. I had nothing to do with that.

Running beneath the overhang of the upper deck he tosses folding deck chairs in her way which she ignores. They play ring around the tables for a bit. A crowd is forming.


XENA
You learned that sugar trick from me.

AUTOLYCUS
(keeping a poll between them) Well sure but- (she grabs her chakram) woah!

she lets fly. He grabs the over hang and swings to the upper deck.


AUTOLYCUS
(shouting down) Now don't be rash! Don't do anything that you might regret later. (he turns) AAGH!!

magically, she is there, and head butts him. The chakram ricochets off a post. As he teeters on the edge she grabs him with her left hand. The chakram ricochets off the paddle wheel. She reaches behind him with her right and catches the chakram then dangles him over the edge.


XENA
You killed that nice old lady, Autolycus.

AUTOLYCUS
(looking at the deck which seems much farther away now that he's dangling in space) What are you nuts!? Think about who you're talking to.

XENA
I am. I never thought even you'd stoop this low.

AUTOLYCUS
I've never killed anyone! Even when I saved your life I never killed anyone.

the crowd, after taking the stairs, is watching again.


HELEN
Please.

XENA
(to Autolycus. threatening to drop him) Where's the diamond?

HELEN
Please, he couldn't have.

XENA
You don't know him as well as I do.

HELEN
He, he was with me all night.

AUTOLYCUS
Yeah. Yeah! That's right I was. Oh thank you philandering ways.

XENA
(startled for a moment she sets Autolycus back on his feet but then) Didn't I hear you talking to the captain about loosing your keys last night?

HELEN
Oh! Yes, you did. Oh, Autolycus, how could you?

AUTOLYCUS
Aw, jeez. Now wait a minute.

the crowd starts to close in.


GABRIELLE
(entering softly) Xena, where's my breakfast? And what's all the shouting about? Can't a person suffer in peace?

XENA
I'm a little busy right now, Gabrielle. Prosperino was murdered last night.

GABRIELLE
Oh is that why Achnautn was trying to take the skiff?

XENA
What?

everyone turns to Achnautn who gives a nervous laugh


AUTOLYCUS
I know that laugh. Benny the Bamboozler.

Achnautn considers talking his way out of it, gets a good look at Xena's face and bolts. Once again the chase is on. Achnautn / Benny goes down the stairs and all the way to the front of the ship with Xena and then the crowd following. He is desperately looking for a way off. TIGHT SHOT of the dinning room door; Achnautn flashes through the frame, a second later Xena does the same, then a crowd of people, a few seconds later Gabrielle enters the shot slowly and pauses at the door.


GABRIELLE
Hmm, breakfast.

SCENE 24

EXT. DECK. DAY.
A terrified Achnautn reaches the front of the ship. Nowhere else to run.

ACHNAUTN
(to himself) But I didn't do it. This isn't fair!

he spots the guide wires that run from the deck to the smoke stacks and starts to climb. Xena rounds the corner and stops. No Achnautn. She looks over the bow but he's not hanging off the railing. The crowd arrives and does the same. The wire twangs, Xena sees him and starts to climb. Having done this sort of thing before she is much faster.


ACHNAUTN
I didn't do it! I didn't kill her!

XENA
Then why are you running?

ACHNAUTN
Have you ever gotten a good look at yourself ?

Having reached the top he stands on the rim of one of the smoke stacks which, naturally enough, is very hot. The expression “cat on a hot tin roof” comes to mind just before he hops off and slides down the wire that runs to the back of the boat. This wire ends not on the deck like the front did but on the railing. From ACHNAUTN'S POV we see that he's headed straight into the paddle wheel. Xena, reaching the top, wraps her whip around the wire and slides after him. Achnautn goes over the railing arms and legs pinwheeling.


ACHNAUTN
Waaaoooh!

Xenas feet bounce off the rail right behind him. LONG SHOT to establish that Xena is on the deck, Achnautn is running like a hamster on top of the wheel which is very wet and varnished. The crowd is arriving.


ACHNAUTN
Help! Ya gotta help me!!

XENA
I think I'd like you to tell me what happened before I do.

ACHNAUTN
OK! OK! I stole the stone! (puff puff) I knew that Autolycus was going to figure out who I was so I figured it was easier to just steel it but I didn't kill her I didn't have to I was going to sneak away on the skiff but I lost it so I put the stone back. I'm just a conman!

AUTOLYCUS
And not a very good one at that.

ACHNAUTN
Shut up you! This is all your fault! (puff puff) Hey wait! I know who killed her when I came back in I saw-

a dart hits him in the neck and he goes limp. Xena grabs for him. There is a horrible sound from the wheel and Xena's hand comes back with only shredded clothing.


XENA
oops.

Probably a good place for a commercial.

Xena stands with Achnautn's shredded clothing in her hand. Behind her stands Autolycus behind him everyone else is clustered in a group.


XENA
This stops right now! Nobody move! One of you is a killer (suspicious glances all around) and I'm going to find out who. All of you, into the dinning room, now! (all stand motionless in disbelief) I said NOW! (she cracks her whip and they move like a herd of cattle)

AUTOLYCUS
Is it just me or are you having a really bad day?

XENA
(taking him by the ear) You to, fancy fingers.

SCENE 25

INT. LOUNGE. DAY.
Gabrielle sits at rear-center screen and Xena paces.

GABRIELLE
(head in hands) oh my aching gray cells.

XENA
Out of eleven people on this boat two are dead and its not even lunch yet. It was looking like this might be a nice little bit of down time. Lost in the desert for a few days and then a leisurely river boat ride back to the med but no! People start dying. Shouldn't be surprised really, seems to happen a lot around me. Still paying through the nose for those past deeds I guess. Well the killing stops now. Were going to figure out who the murder is, put them off at Prosperino's home port and see that they stand trial because she was a nice old lady who's only crime was having a gaudy chunk of glitter rock around her neck.

GABRIELLE
Okay, I get that much but why did you tie them all up?

CUT TO the dinning room where we see Michlos, Siduri, Samuel, Helen, Simon, the cook and Autolycus all tied to chairs with legs bound and hands behind their backs. CUT BACK TO


XENA
Because at the rate we were going there wouldn't be anyone left but me and the killer by the time I figured it out.

GABRIELLE
How were they killed?

XENA
With a blow gun.

GABRIELLE
Easily concealed.

XENA
Almost any tube will do. Exactly what did you see last night?

GABRIELLE
Well, I was ah, looking over the edge when I heard someone on deck. It was Achnautn or Benny, whatever, he was untying the skiff. Then the cook came out to get rid of some slop from the kitchen, Achnautn hid and while he did the skiff floated away. I probably should have done something but I... ahhh...

XENA
Those fruit drinks sneak up on you.

GABRIELLE
Yeah, and then they sneak right back out again.

XENA
What happened next?

GABRIELLE
He was going to swim for it but decided not to. Then he went back inside.

XENA
You didn't see anyone else? Achnautn said he saw someone but he died before he could say who.

GABRIELLE
No one.

XENA
Guess were going to have to question everyone else.

they pass through the connecting door to the dinning room.

SCENE 26

INT. DINNING ROOM. DAY.

GABRIELLE
Oh, hey. You were chasing Autolycus. Why?

XENA
Because he has the real stone. This one's sugar.

AUTOLYCUS
(dropping the ropes that held him and standing) That's right and considering the time constraints I think it's damn fine forgery. You didn't actually think I was going to stay tied up did you? It'd be bad for my image, can't go disappointing my fans like that. I knew I recognized Benny in that stupid hat.

XENA
Well now that you're free you might as well- (she's about to say “untie the others” but thinks better of it) stand over there while Gabrielle unties the others.

Gabrielle sets about doing just that and its going to take a long time.


XENA
You are, no doubt, wondering why I've got you all here.

MICHLOS
I was under the impression that it was because you have a difficult time controlling your temper especially when you think that someone has done something wrong.

GABRIELLE
Wow, insightful.

XENA
Shut up. I've got you all here because if we are going to find out who the killer is we're going to have to account for everyone's whereabouts last night.

MICHLOS
And will you kill us the way you did this Benny person?

XENA
I didn't kill him. One of you hit him with a dart. So start talking, where were you last night?

SAMUEL
I was at the wheel which is were I should be now. If you keep me tied up here the ship will run aground.

XENA
I've tied the wheel off.

SAMUEL
Rivers aren't straight.

XENA
Helen, lets start with you. You lost your keys last night.

HELEN
Yes.

XENA
But you had to have them to make up the rooms for sleeping?

HELEN
Yes.

XENA
When did Prosperino go to bed?

HELEN
Early. Before everyone else except Gabrielle, of course.

XENA
and you had your keys then?

HELEN
Yes.

XENA
What did you do next?

HELEN
Well, I met Autolycus in the hallway. We talked a bit, he asked for tea to be sent to his room. (Gabrielle finishes untying her)

XENA
With extra sugar no doubt.

HELEN
Yes, how did you know?

XENA
Well get to that later. You got him the tea?

HELEN
Yes.

XENA
And then?

HELEN
I prepared Simon's room, and then Michlos and Siduri's, and then Achnautn's.

XENA
So you used your keys to you enter Autolycus's room?

HELEN
(thinks) No, I knocked.

AUTOLYCUS
What's all this about keys, anyway? You know as well as I do that any thief worth their salt doesn't give a damn about locks.

MICHLOS
But her keys were stolen. Perhaps you used them to slip into the old woman's room this morning, without the fuss of picking the lock, kill her and take the stone.

AUTOLYCUS
Where's the style in that? I'll have you know that I didn't even use the door. I came in through the window.

XENA
No, he didn't. Whoever killed her did it last night. Her body had started to go stiff and that takes hours.

MICHLOS
Oh, and you, this scoundrels friend, are an expert on dead bodies?

GABRIELLE
(to Michlos) I wouldn't push that too far if I were you.

SIDURI
This is so awful. All she wanted to do was help starving people and now... We should make sure that the stone is used for that purpose.

XENA
But it's gone. This is a fake, it's made from melted sugar. (she grinds it to dust in her hand)

MICHLOS
So the stone was taken. But where is the original?

XENA
Autolycus made the fake, I assume that he has the original.

MICHLOS
(just untied and starting to untie Siduri) I knew you were no good from the moment I saw you.

AUTOLYCUS
Hey! I'll have you know that I took this stone because I knew that Benny was running a scam on Prosperino. I left the fake so that he could swindle that out of her and then I could give her back the real one.

SAMUEL
If you'd informed the rest of us we could have solved the problem more appropriately and she wouldn't be dead now. Would somebody please untie me so that I can get back to the wheel.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh blah blah blah. How was I supposed to know that there was more than one crook on board? Nice little business you got going here. Theft, murder and confidence games all with beautiful room service and catered meals.

XENA
Getting back to the point, whoever stole Helen's keys is probably the murder.

HELEN
Wait! Just before I went to Autolycus's room Simon bumped into me.

Simon drops his ropes, just as Autolycus did earlier, and puts his recorder to his lips taking aim at Xena. Autolycus shelters Helen, Michlos shelters Siduri. Gabrielle, having just untied the captain moves at Simon from the side. Suddenly there is a shuddering grind as the boat strikes a sand bar and Simon misfires catching Samuel in the neck. All the window shutters slam closed from the impact and the room is plunged into darkness.


XENA
Nobody move.

SAMUEL
I told you... (drug starts to take affect)

GABRIELLE
I got 'em! I got 'em!

SAMUEL
we'd...(slowing even more) hit

SIMON
Ow! ow!

SAMUEL
...somethg

GABRIELLE
ough! I don't got 'em.

MICHLOS
What's going on?

XENA
C'mere you little-

MICHLOS
Please, don't kill me!

XENA
Sorry.

HELEN
Oh! How dare you!

GABRIELLE
I got 'em! I got 'em!

AUTOLYCUS
Hey it wasn't me.

XENA
I'm gonna -

GABRIELLE
Ow owowow hey!

XENA
Oops.

AUTOLYCUS
What?

there is a sudden flicker of light as the door opens and closes. A pause and then Autolycus and Gabrielle open some shutters.


AUTOLYCUS & GABRIELLE
Where'd he go?!

AUTOLYCUS
He's got the stone.

Samuel is slumped on the floor. The cook, still tied to his chair, lies on his side. Michlos and Siduri cling to each other. Helen stands next to Autolycus.


XENA
(v.o. from outside) Don't make me come after you!

Autolycus, Helen, Michlos and Siduri dash out the door after the noise. Gabrielle holds up a small pouch that she acquired in the scuffle. From it she produces the ring that was stolen from her in Thival.


GABRIELLE
(to the cook) I knew he looked familiar, he stole this from me in Thival.

COOK
(nods) um, do you think you could uh, untie me?

GABRIELLE
Oh sure.

SCENE 27

EXT. SANDBAR. DAY.
Simon is splashing through the shallows where the sandbar meets the shore.

SIMON
(over his shoulder) I didn't mean to kill her! It's just sleep poison! (slips into the tall grass)

Xena does a diving roll from the ship to the sandbar and pursues him.


SIMON
(vo from the grass) She was just too old. I didn't mean to do it.

XENA
I don't care.

CUT TO the upper deck of the river boat where the passengers have gathered to get a better view. Looking down at the shore we see Xena rush into the grass. Simon is only visible because of the grass he displaces.


AUTOLYCUS
He's left! Xena, go left!

She turns right slogs through some grass and bursts into a clearing that's stuffed with crocs.


XENA
Woah!

She high steps it across the clearing on the backs of the crocs heads which all obligingly snap just after she steps off them.


AUTOLYCUS
No no left!

She goes left. CUT TO Simons POV. A frantic run looking from side to side, hands blindly shoving grass out of the way. CUT TO Xena's POV, fast and sure following the trail of trodden grass. CUT TO a low angle in the grass no more than a foot off the ground the camera is steady as we hear someone approach. Simon parts the grass in front of us and stops dead, staring right into the lens he screams in terror as the camera lunges at him. CUT back to Xena, the grass thrashes wildly in front of her, she draws her sword. CUT TO the crocs POV, the camera thrashes about, a small pair of legs is plainly visible at the bottom of the frame. The thrashing stops just as Xena does a flying front flip over the grass and lands super close to the camera burying her sword in the crocs skull with an accompanying bony crunch.

CUT TO Xena emerges from the tall grass dragging the croc by its tail over her shoulder. As the head emerges we see that her sword is still in it and Simon's legs hang from its mouth.

SCENE 28

EXT. SANDBAR. DAY.
Samuel is ranting at Autolycus and Gabrielle about the boat. Xena is in the background trying to extract her sword from the crocs skull. She's heaving and twisting, rocking it back and forth, puts her foot on the snout and tries again to no avail.

SAMUEL
Look at it! How are we supposed to get off this sand?! If there's been any damage you people will pay!

GABRIELLE
If we dig a trench around the front the flow of the river will clear the sand. Does the paddle thingy have a reverse?

XENA
Gabrielle, could ya gimme a hand here?

Gabrielle goes to her.


SAMUEL
I had a nice quiet business going here and now look at it! My boat is a shambles, three people are dead and the cabin girl is sleeping with the passengers.

AUTOLYCUS
Hey, look on the bright side. It was only sleep poison, you're not dead. And you can market it as adventure touring.

XENA
(to Gabrielle) Just stand on the snout, I'll get on its neck here

Xena starts really pulling. Gabrielle without the sword to brace against wobbles a bit.


XENA
(straining) Gods these things have thick skulls.

POP! the sword comes free and she starts to clean it. Gabrielle falls to one knee and spies the gem which has just fallen out of the crocs mouth. She picks it up, its covered in blood and sand.


GABRIELLE
Not so pretty now are you? (washes it in the water. Hears Xena behind her) How can it be worth so much? Its just a sparkly chunk of rock.

XENA
You know why.

GABRIELLE
Beauty's in the eye of the beholder? Abstract?

XENA
People are greedy.

GABRIELLE
No amount of money should be worth three lives.

SIDURI
(entering shot) It could be worth much more than that. (Xena and Gabrielle don't understand) Achnautn, or whatever his name really was may have been a conman but his story is true. Thousands of people are suffering and the worth of that stone could do much to relieve that.

XENA
Sounds like a good idea. Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE
Sure. (hands Siduri the stone) How will you get food to them?

SIDURI
Up river is Lake Nasser, there are many farms there. I am sure that Michlos and I will be able to arrange something.

XENA
That reminds me, I heard you arguing this morning at breakfast?

SIDURI
I wanted to help Achnautn feed people but Michlos said we didn't have the money. (holds up the gem to indicate, Not any more.)

GABRIELLE
Here, take this too. (hands Siduri the ring. Then to Xena) I wasn't having any luck finding the owner anyway.

XENA
I thought that was stolen?

GABRIELLE
I ended up with Simon's purse after the struggle. He must have been the one who stole it from me.

XENA
Strange circles.

GABRIELLE
And mysterious ways. I want to go home. I think I've had enough of Egypt.

The camera swings out to sparkling water and zooms and softens until the sparkling becomes abstract dancing lights. Fade to black.

THE END


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