After Thoughts ã 1998

By: BJ O’Donnell

(a.k.a. MsTigrlil)

Copyright Disclaimer: As always, there is no intention of any copyright infringement intended. Xena and Gabrielle belong to Universal Studios, MCA and others (who are kind enough to let us all enjoy fanfiction). They do not belong to me, and I am not being paid for this. L

Violence Disclaimer: Hey, we are talking Xena here, yes there is violence but no more then you would see in any of the episodes on TV, in fact it is a continuation of thoughts from "One Against An Army".

Sex Disclaimer: As far as sex goes, lets just say there is heavy "sub-text" going on here. In fact, it’s main-text, not sub-text, but no real sex. (Gee, does that even make sense?) I know, I know, quite a change from most of my stories. If you are after pure sex, then read something else. If love between two women offends you then you have come to the wrong place too. If you are not of legal age where you live, move or wait to read this when you are older. If it is illegal to display this love where you live then I really want you to seriously think about moving somewhere else.

After Thoughtsã 1998

By: BJ O’Donnell

(a.k.a. MsTigrlil)

I can hardly feel the pain now that only moments ago seemed to cascade over me, engulfing my very soul, threatening to take me to the other side.

I can’t concentrate on that now though. I don’t want to.

All I want to think about is what happened in the last few hours. The hours that, thank the gods did not bring about my demise. I want to remember every word that was spoken, every gesture that was made. My mind burns with what she said. A door seemed to open that I didn’t even realize was there.

And now, I don’t ever want to close it again.

She is finally asleep, the gentle sound of her breathing filling the night air. So peaceful now where only moments ago there was such rage. Her shoulder where she took a blade has finally stopped bleeding but it will still need stitches soon if there is to be no scarring. She said she was okay, but I know her, she hides her pain for the comfort of others.

I lay here with my fingers gently playing in her raven black hair. I would curl into that hair, let it envelop me if I could. Lose myself in it, in her, completely. I twine it through my hand and feel the dampness of it caused from the strenuous fight she has just gone through. A battle that I think she fought more for her and I than for the "greater good".

The battle was short yet fierce. I have never seen her so ruthless and yet so compassionate at the same time. I thought I had seen her at her worst, or most savage being a better term for it when we were attacked by the Horde but nothing compared to what I witnessed today.

Every muscle and fiber in her body was tensed and ready. Her eyes wide with anticipation, the blood lust flowing through her veins was almost visible. And that laugh... She enjoys this feeling running through her. This passion and power. I can’t help but be oddly attracted to that side of her.

Then they came.

She fought with such ferociousness and focus. The way she grabbed that man from behind and slit his throat. I can’t help but shiver even now just thinking of it. Over and over her sword plunged into men, taking their lives from them one after another with such fierce command. Blood spattering everywhere, I couldn’t tell who it came from most of the time. I could only hope that it didn’t come from her. Then the sounds of bones breaking as she felled one then another and yet another. Her strength beyond what I have ever witnessed from her.

Yet she showed such compassion for me, no, love... when she struggled with herself over whether to get me out of there or to stay and fight for the people who needed her help. The conflict in her mind over self-sacrifice or selfishness. Her need for retribution or her need to be with me in safety.

I lay here thinking of the words she spoke to me. I repeat them over and over in my mind. I don’t ever want to forget them. "Even in death Gabrielle, I will never leave you. I will always be with you," she had said. I wonder now if she knows what those words mean to me. If she feels the same way about me as I do about her.

She must.

Those words, those feelings were pure love. I have known that I love her for quite some time but I didn’t realize just "how" she loves me until this very moment. When she held my hand, touched my face, my lips, when she caressed me in her arms. Ah, I knew then that I could never be with out her.

I want to hold her, to feel her body close to mine. I want to embrace her strengths and her weaknesses. I want to kiss those fingers that brought my life back to me. I want to kiss those lips, the ones that promise love. I want, no need to feel her power and love. What a strange yet somehow endearing combination in her. My desire to make love to her and for her to return my love that way has all but consumed me now.

I need to wrap myself in her love and her in mine.

I love this warrior and I know now that she loves me. Tomorrow I will tell her how much I love her. How much I need her, all of her. But for now, I must let her rest. She fought for our lives today, the lives she said we would live until we were old and gray, together.

And now we have time, all the time in the world to love each other.