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by Danielle
DanniYell@aol.com
FADE IN-
EXT. FOREST - DAY
Gabrielle and Xena walk together, Argo ambling behind.
GABRIELLE
Don't you find it strange that no one's tried to kill you for three days? I
wonder what's been going on.
XENA
(looking around carefully)
Vvvveeeerrrryyy strange, Gabrielle.
Suddenly, Argo raises her head and whinnies, snorting unhappily.
GABRIELLE
What's with Argo?
XENA
Someone's coming.
(unsheathes her sword)
Get behind me.
Gabrielle grabs onto Xena's waist.
GABRIELLE
Why do I feel like we've been in this position before?
XENA
Because I ask them to put it in in every episode. Now, sshhhh, Gabrielle.
They hear a loud, annoying BEEPING sound, coming closer and closer.
GABRIELLE
(whispers)
What IS that noise?
XENA
I don't know, but it's driving me insane.
POUNDING FOOTSTEPS run their way. Argo blocks Xena and Gabrielle's view of who it is.
MAN'S VOICE
XENA!!!
At the last second, Argo moves her butt to reveal JOXER. But it's too late. Xena's already speared him with her sword.
GABRIELLE
(as he falls to the floor)
Oh no, Joxer. We couldn't see you!
ARGO
Heh heh.
GABRIELLE
We're so sorry.
XENA
Speak for yourself.
GABRIELLE
I wasn't, really--
JOXER
(dying, sort of)
Must...tell...Xena.
XENA
(bends over him)
Tell Xena what? And what is that BEEPING noise?
JOXER
No one can fix it, no-one-but.....YOU.
Joxer is silent. Gabrielle stares at him.
GABRIELLE
Is he dead?
XENA
Is he ever? Come on Gabrielle, let's find out what's going on.
EXT. MOUNT OLYMPUS - DAY
The place is in an uproar. GODS dart back and forth, holding their ears. Here the BEEPING is louder and more insistent than ever.
Xena recahes out and stops a running GOD. It's APHRODITE.
XENA
What's going on?
APHRODITE
Xena! It's like America Online has gone to unlimited hours and NO ONE can
get on the computer! Not even the gods! Can you imagine?
GABRIELLE
What's America Online?
XENA
I don't think we want to know.
APHRODITE
Every kid and their uncle must have gotten a computer for Christmas! And now
I can't even get into the chat rooms! Now how are people supposed to do
age/sex checks without me?
GABRIELLE
Chat rooms? Computer? Christmas?
XENA
Sex?
APHRODITE
Um....like, whoops, bye!
APHRODITE darts off. Xena looks around at everyone's inanity.
SUDDENLY, an arrow WHIZZES straight at Xena's head. She catches it.
XENA
Callisto? Is that you?
CALLISTO walks forward.
CALLISTO
Had to do it.
GABRIELLE
Callisto? But I thought you were-
CALLISTO
Dead? Nah. I just walked out--no one's guarding the place anymore. The
noise-it's driving everyone psychotic. It's actually made me quite calm, I
don't know why.
Callisto bends over to smell a flower.
CALLISTO
Mmmm, what a beautiful fragrance. Lovely--I can't believe I've never noticed
it before.
Xena eyes her.
XENA
Come with us, Callisto. I don't trust you here by yourself.
CALLISTO
You know, I've missed you, Xena.
XENA
Yes, you keep saying that.
CALLISTO
I liked being in your body. It was fun. Hey, you know, you've got a cute
little birthmark right-
(reaches at Xena's leather)
there-
Xena grabs Callisto's arm.
XENA
No, I don't.
GABRIELLE
Yes, you do, Xena-
(looks suddenly out at the audience)
I mean...I don't know what you're talking about, Callisto. Let's go, shall
we?
As they walk--Callisto tries to stick the flower into Xena's hair.
XENA
Stop it.
CALLISTO
But it brings out the color in your-
XENA
Stop it.
Xena shakes her head and walks on.
GABRIELLE
You can put it in my hair, Callisto.
Callisto gives Gabrielle a look.
CALLISTO
Um--NO. Seeya.
GABRIELLE
(dissed)
Hey! I thought you were supposed to be nicer now!
CALLISTO
Not to YOU. That's not in my contract.
INT. MOUNT OLYMPUS
Gabrielle and Xena scour the rooms, while Callisto walks around with a huge smile on her face.
CALLISTO
I just feel so--at peace with myself. Can you hear the--music?
She begins dancing to the BEEPING sounds, eyes closed. Gabrielle stares at her. She shrugs and begins dancing next to Callisto. Xena sighs and grabs for Gabrielle, accidentally hitting the side of her breast.
XENA
We'll just pretend I didn't do that.
GABRIELLE
It's okay--it always happens.
They walk down the end of the hall. Xena spies a room, door closed.
XENA
I think America Online's in that room.
GABRIELLE
You think it's some kind of a god?
XENA
It's more powerful than any god I've ever seen.
Xena kicks at the door. It flies open.
INT. COMPUTER ROOM
ARES sits crying in front of the computer.
GABRIELLE
Ares?
XENA
Ares.
Ares looks up. His face is streaked with tears.
ARES
I couldn't even finish King's Quest! It just knocked me off! Bumped off a
God! It says I've lost connection! I can't STAND it!
XENA
Move, Ares.
She pushes him out of the seat and sits down in front of the glowing screen.
XENA
What's that triangle symbol?
GABRIELLE
Triangle symbol? Xena--you KNOW what that is--
(looks at the audience again)
I mean, it looks like the America Online symbol.
XENA
Ares, what IS America Online?
Ares is crying too hard to answer. Callisto wafts into the room, still holding her flower.
CALLISTO
Oh, it's WONDERFUL, Xena. America Online is a place anyone can go to and no
one knows who you are, and you can talk to anyone. You can even pretend
you're a god.
GABRIELLE
Like Mount Olympus?
CALLISTO
Even better. Because it isn't real.
GABRIELLE
Really? Could I--say, even pretend I was, oh I don't know,--Xena?
XENA
Don't even try it, Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Just wondering.
CALLISTO
Yes, you can be anyone. Anyone you want, and say anything you want--well,
for the most part. --And you can even get mail.
GABRIELLE
I LOVE mail.
XENA
I've never gotten any mail.
CALLISTO
(puts her arms around Xena)
I'll send you some *mail*, Xena.
XENA
Get off me, please. You're invading my personal space.
Callisto looks hurt.
GABRIELLE
Oh, don't worry, she says that to me all the time.
XENA
How do you know all this, Callisto?
CALLISTO
I snuck on once for an hour when Hades wasn't looking. Best $2.95 I ever
spent. Alas, that was before they went unlimited. Before war broke out
between different online servers.
She raises her hand to her forehead and sighs melodramatically.
GABRIELLE
(out of the corner of her mouth)
What is she talking about?
XENA
I don't know, but if we don't get this thing working soon, I'm going to have
to kill her again.
Gabrielle and Xena both turn to the computer. They stare at it for a long while. The screen name is HotGod69.
GABRIELLE
Who's HOTGOD69?
They all look at Ares.
ARES
What? So?
XENA
Now what? It's not doing anything. Do we just sit here?
Gabrielle looks at the keyboard.
GABRIELLE
Ooohh, letters! Lots of letters! Let me--!
Before Xena can stop her, Gabrielle presses some letters and then the "Return" key. The computer begins to make some dialing noises.
XENA
What did you do?
GABRIELLE
I don't know! I'm sorry, Xena!
XENA
What am I always telling you? Do you always have to touch everything?
GABRIELLE
But I thought you just meant--
SUDDENLY, the modem catches the connection and starts screeching. Xena holds her ears.
Ares perks up.
ARES
It's working! How did you do it, Xena?
XENA
Wouldn't you like to know?
Suddenly, something happens. They all lean in to look at the screen.
GABRIELLE
It says it's an invalid or incorrect password.
XENA
Well, who knows the password?
They whip their heads around to look at Ares.
CALLISTO
What's the password?
ARES
But-
GABRIELLE
What's the password?
ARES
I'm not supposed to give out the--
Xena WHIPS OUT HER CHAKRAM and holds it up to Ares' throat.
XENA
What's the furkin' PASSWORD????!!!!!!
ARES
It's "puppy," okay?
Everyone stares at him.
CALLISTO
Puppy?
GABRIELLE
Puppy?
XENA
TYPE IT IN!!!!!!!!!
Gabrielle and Callisto dart to the computer and fight to type in the password.
CALLISTO
Let me do it--I've done it before!
GABRIELLE
That's what they all say! Let me do it!
They mess up and the account is signed off.
GABRIELLE
Now look what you did!
CALLISTO
I did? It was your fault!
GABRIELLE
*My* fault?
ARES goes back to crying in the corner.
XENA
Calm down everyone.
Xena types in "puppy" and hits "Return."
XENA
It worked last time. It'll work again.
This time we hear BEEPING and a voice.
FEMALE VOICE
I'm sorry, but all our circuits are busy now. Please try your call again
later.
XENA
What in Hades--?
ARES
See? That's what's been happening! I can't get that voice out of my head!
Oh Gods, I just can't take it anymore!
He runs out of the room.
Xena looks at Gabrielle and Callisto. Types in the password and hits Return again.
XENA
It'll work.
Same busy signal. Again. And again. And again. Xena raises her sword, frustrated.
CALLISTO
Xena, no!
Xena SMASHES the keyboard. The BEEPING still emanates from the computer. She hurls her sword at the screen. The BEEPING stops.
GABRIELLE
You did it.
XENA
Of course. I'm Xena, Warrior Princess.
Callisto darts to the smashed computer and picks up the pieces in her hands.
CALLISTO
Look what you did. You killed America Online.
XENA
Yes, I did.
Gabrielle looks proudly up at Xena.
Callisto faces Xena with an evil expression and lets out an unearthly howl. She CHOMPS INTO THE FLOWER.
GABRIELLE
Looks like things are back to normal.
XENA
For now--
They look at the destroyed computer.
XENA
But I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of America Online.
GABRIELLE
You mean, kind of like we never see the last of Callisto--or--
JOXER runs into the room.
XENA
-Him.
JOXER
Hello again, warrior chums! Looks like your sword just grazed me, Xena!
XENA
Great, Joxer.
CALLISTO
Joxer?
Callisto looks at Joxer. Joxer's mouth falls open. Callisto raises her sword and runs after him.
XENA
If there's one person Callisto hates more than me-
GABRIELLE
You know, Xena, I AM still kind of curious about this America Online thing.
You think what Callisto was saying is true?
XENA
Well, we can't find out now.
Callisto ducks her head back in the room.
CALLISTO
You think there's only one computer? Hahahahahahahahahahaha! You might
have thwarted it for now, Xena, but America Online will be back. We will ALL
be back!!!!
Callisto lets out another unearthly howl and disappears. Xena and Gabrielle look at each other and shrug.
XENA
Anyway...
GABRIELLE
Yeah really. Like we could REALLY believe there's something even more
powerful than the gods out there.
XENA
America Online. Now there's a name we'll never have to hear again.
Xena and Gabrielle leave the room together.
From the floor, THE COMPUTER SCREEN GLOWS.
FADE OUT-
