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Xena and the Rev.

by Joanna


The Right Good Reverend Toymo Lester is at the pulpit.

His congregation listens in rapt attention.

                                 REV. LESTER

                I say unto you, good people, buy not 

                these heinous toys that shall fill 

                your sons with lust and shall fill 

                your daughters with unwomanly 

                ideas of equality.  Say to Satan "get 

                thee behind me!"  Resist the lure of 

                the sinfilled Xena Action Figure with 

                removable costume!

Two women enter the chapel and stride toward the 

pulpit.  They are Xena and Gabrielle (who were you 

expecting?  Laverne and Shirley?)

                                 REV. LESTER

                These vile and venal yet voluptuously 

                plastic bodies shall warp the minds 

                of the young and innocent!  They shall--


                Hey Rev!  Where the hell did you find 

                those?  We've been all over the frigging 

                place -- Toys-R-Us, Target, comic shops, 

                department stores -- and we couldn't 

                find a single one.  What's your source?

                                 REV. LESTER


                Satan!  He walks among us in titillating 

                leather and breastplates!


                You've mistaken me for another.  Name's 

                Xena.  I came for action figures.


                Yeah, the stores said the only place 

                that still had any were the churches.  

                I'll give you seven bucks.  But that's it.  

                I don't feel like getting ripped off here.

                                 REV. LESTER

                Flee!  Everyone flee!  The rapacious spawn 

                of Satan walks among you seeking small 

                plastic figurines vaguely in their likeness, 

                though I notice the short one doesn't have 

                one, only the tall chick.

The parishioners try to run but Xena draws her sword.


                Don't anybody move.  

Everyone files back to their seats.  Gabrielle hands out 

sheet music of Bulgarian chants for the parishioners to 

sing while Xena's sword is out.


                                (sotto voce)

                Don't worry about pronunciation.  No 

                one in Bulgaria actually watches this 


                                 REV. LESTER

                     (nervously fondling his doll)

                Fear not my flock!  You are in the house 

                of the Lord and he shall protect thee 

                and keep thee from the sword of 

                Beelzebub and lift thee up into heaven 

                if thee accidently gets thyself skewered.


                Just tell me where your stash is, Rev, 

                and my squeeze and I will leave.


                Can you say "squeeze" in church?


                I'm armed.  I can say whatever I damn 

                well please.

The Reverend has undressed his Xena doll and is now 

fondling her voluptuous plastic skin.

                                 REV. LESTER

                                 (to himself)

                What'd they go and paint the damn 

                thing black for?  I paid good money 

                to see tiny plastic breasts, golldurnit!

Suddenly Xena sees several cardboard boxes hidden 

behind the organ.  She whips out her chakram, flings it 

toward the boxes and it slices open all the cases.  Xena 

action figures tumble out -- series one AND two!  Even 

the tall ones with the red dress!


                You were going to keep them all to 

                yourself, weren't you Rev?


                That is so selfish.  Think of all the 

                nice people on a.t.x who couldn't find 

                any.  I'm ashamed of you, Reverend.

                                 REV. LESTER

                    (now fondling several dolls)

                These are my dolls Golldurnit!  And you 

                can't have them!  Mine mine mine!  

Suddenly, the Reverend begins speaking in tongues. Then 

he speaks in badly accented Bulgarian.  His fit over, he 

approaches Xena and attempts the removal of her leather 

warrior garb.  

                                 REV. LESTER

                Must... see... your voluptuous... plastic... 


Xena beheads him.


                Nothing plastic here, sicko.


                            (to a parishioner)

                I'll vouch for that.

The little old lady parishioner gives Gabby a saucy wink.  

Gab and Xena walk up to the cartons of action figures and 

start gathering up the dolls.


                C'mon.  There are kids out there with 

                nothing to undress.


                You are so heroic.

The parishioners stop singing in Bulgarian and begin 

chanting "Xena Xena Xena" as we

                                                                         FADE OUT.


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