SCENE: A CLIFFTOP SOMEWHERE IN ANCIENT NEW ZE-, ER, GREECE. A WARRIOR PACES AT THE VERY EDGE, SHOOTING MURDEROUS GLANCES ALL AROUND HER. A BARD IS BUSY BRAIDING FLOWERS INTO A GOLDEN MARE’S MANE, IGNORING THE WARRIOR.

XENA (swings blade): Come on, Poseidon, come out and face me!

GABRIELLE (picks up a daisy): You know he won’t come unless he wants to. He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not, He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me... not. (looks crestfallen) Oh Xena, Iolaus hates me!

XENA: I’m sure he doesn’t, any more than Perdicas did.

GABRIELLE (sulking): Wrong again, Xena. (buries her head in Argo’s mane, boo-hooing noisily)

XENA (exasperated): Will you cut that out?

GABRIELLE (sniffs): Sure. I got over him ages ago, anyway.

XENA: Great, fine, lovely. (raises voice) Get over here, you watery son of a god!

A WAVE THREATENS TO SWEEP XENA OVER THE SIDE, THEN SOLIDIFIES INTO POSEIDON.

POSEIDON (indignant): I am not! Okay, maybe I am...

XENA (tries to skewer him): Why did you capture those Mytilenes last Thursday?

POSEIDON: Didn’t your mother ever teach you not to point a sword at a god?

XENA: Do you mind? I’m trying to act in a parody here!

TLACHTGA: Hi guys? Having fun?

XENA & POSEIDON: NO!

TLACHTGA: Too bad. Now, if you don’t keep to the topic, and give Gabrielle some Kleenex, I’ll write another... :)

XENA & POSEIDON (pelting Gabrielle with Kleenex): NO! Anything but that!

TLACHTGA (fading away): Glad we have that settled.

GABRIELLE: Help me, Xena! I’m drowning in Kleenex! Save me!

XENA (disgusted): I don’t have the time to bother with maidens in distress, I’m in the middle of saving maidens in distress!

GABRIELLE (annoyed): Hey!

POSEIDON (intrigued): What an irritating little blonde.

XENA: Don’t call her that! She is not!

POSEIDON: Well, excuse me for breathing!

XENA: Which reminds me, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE MAIDENS?

POSEIDON: That wasn’t me either. That was some warlord or another, I forget which. (shrugs) I can’t be expected to keep tabs on all of them; there are so many!

XENA (agreeing): Too right. That should be handled by Ares, but he’s so slack at his job.

ARES: Am not! I’ve come here to win you back! Celebrate your dark side, Xena; don’t hide from it...

POSEIDON: You’ve got a lot of nerve, nerd-boy. You only beat me at chess that time we were laying for Xena because you cheated!

ARES: Did not!

POSEIDON: Did too!

ARES: Did not!

POSEIDON: Oh, you odious little pest.

ARES (whining): Oh, Uncle ‘Seidon...

POSEIDON: Close your irritating mouth! (to Xena) I take it back. Ares is far more irritating than Gabrielle.

POSEIDON REACHES OUT A WATERY TENTACLE, AND SWEEPS THE KLEENEX’ AWAY FROM THE BARD, TOTALLY SPOOKING THE HORSE.

XENA: Well, that was smart! My horse will probably have a nervous condition for life, thanks to you, you great lummock! (swings sword at him)

TLACHTGA: Just a reminder... Ares, Zeus says to ask you what do you think you are doing?

ARES (shrugging): Sorry. Gotta go tidy up my G.I. Joes. (sighs) Athena said she would if I let her use the tank...

ZEUS: Yes, you’re a bad, bad boy. Go to your room! (throws thunderbolt)

ARES: Ow! Okay Dad, I’m going!

ARES DISAPPEARS.

ZEUS: Sorry about that. He’s more trouble than he’s worth... I should let Hera deal with him...

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Unfair! She’s an absolute hydra this time of day!

HERA: That’s not nice, you two-faced semi-brainless excuse for an idiot!

ATHENA (primly): Just to set the record straight, I did tidy the G.I. Joes, then Ares took them out again!

HERA: Come off it, girl; we all know he’s been chasing Aphrodite all day!

APHRODITE: Yeah, and to top it off; Hephaestus threatened to take away my shell if he caught that creep sniffing around me anymore!

XENA: Excuse me, but I’m TRYING to do a parody here!

APHRODITE: What’s biting you? Hercules been telling that story about the apple again?

HERA: What story? None of you kids ever tell me anything anymore!

ARES (delighted): I know! It’s her dark side resurfacing!

ATHENA: No, Xena’s past that. Which reminds me, you owe me ten temples and an obelisk on that bet you lost!

ARES: I don’t! I paid that!

ATHENS: Liar!

ARES: Cheat!

ZEUS: Children, children... you know how this upsets Hera.

HERA: What are you saying? I’m not big enough to slam a few godly heads if they annoy me?

ZEUS (hastily): No, I’m not.

POSEIDON (to Aphrodite): I know a great little spot dwn by the Styx...

APHRODITE: Go fit your hearing aid, grandpa: I’m not interested!

ZEUS: Why is my family so dysfunctional?

HERA: Comes from your personality, m’dear.

ARTEMIS: Am I missing something?

ARES: No, it’s just semi-hurly pick on Ares Time.

APOLLO: Hey sis, Ares refusing to pay out again?

ATHENA (rolls eyes): And that’s not the half of it!

HEPHAESTUS: Come on, Aphrodite, let’s leave this bunch of low-life and go home.

APHRODITE: Take a hike, buster.

HESTIA: Someone call me?

ARTEMIS: Get back to the hearth, you domesticated NO RELATION of mine!

ZEUS (as if to a child): Hephaestus, your family are not ‘low-life’.

ARES: Compared to me, you all are! Except perhaps you, Aphrodite...

HESTIA: Artemis, please be a little kinder to your family.

DEMETER: Let me put it this way: IF YOU DON’T ALL SHUT UP, I’LL TURN SUMMER TO WINTER AGAIN!

ARTEMIS: Quit it. You wouldn’t have the guts.

HADES (groans): Oh wouldn’t she? How do you explain this whole Persephone thing, then?

POSEIDON: That’s just it, we can’t.

DEMETER: Are you saying I’m too over-protective?

ARES: Yes!

ZEUS: Great, all we need now are two pieces of fluff dictating to us.

HANDPUPPET: You bemoaned?

ALL: Huh?

ZEUS (throws up hands): You just disrupted the timeline. Thank you very much!

HANDPUPPET: This isn’t just your parody!

ARTEMIS (sweetly): Oh isn’t it now?

FADE OUT: HEAVENLY BATTLE ENSUING.