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by Joanna
JSandsmark@aol.com
EXT. FOREST GLADE - EVENING
Xellen and Gabrielle are making camp. The camp bizarrely
looks like the living room set of the show "Ellen". Go figure.
GABRIELLE
When we were in that tiny anonymous
village earlier, I heard a rumor that a
horsey blonde was making trouble in a
neighboring tiny anonymous village that
looked remarkably similar. You don't
suppose...
XELLEN
Callisto...
GABRIELLE
I was hoping you wouldn't suppose that.
XELLEN
Don't worry, Gabrielle. If Callisto is back
from the grave, it should be easy to find
her. I mean, really, she probably doesn't
smell too good -- being buried doesn't
do much for personal hygiene -- Not that
I'd know about th-- I've never been dead.
Well, I mean I've been to the Underworld
a couple of times, and there was that time
the dart got me, but -- well, I guess that
means I have been dead in a way, but not
dead dead. Not Callisto dead. Then again,
Callisto dead isn't very dead, is it? Not in
the tradionally relatives weeping, light a
candle, mourn mourn cry cry sense of...
TIME DISSOLVE:
EXT. FOREST GLADE - NIGHT
Xellen is in the same position as last scene. Gabrielle is
snuggling into her blankets.
XELLEN
...I mean, he wasn't my real uncle, we just
called him that. You know, kind of an
affectionate name. He was so nice.
Used to bring me sweets. Little Baclava
Baby, he used to call me. 'Oh Xellen,
you're my little baclava baby' he'd say
or 'Oh Xellen, you sure love that baclava...'
TIME DISSOLVE:
EXT. FOREST GLADE - MORNING
Xellen is in the same position as last scene. Gabrielle is just
waking up.
XELLEN
...not fair. I mean, it wasn't my fault
I took Lyceus' pony. He's the one who
told Toris that I colored my hair which,
when you think about it, isn't something
most brothers discuss, well, I mean, I don't
know most brothers, and I suppose some
brothers discuss that kind of thing but it
was out of character for Lyceus at the
time. Though come to think of it, he was
going through his hair fetish phase. Well,
not a fetish really, more a realization that
he was the only blonde within 600 square
miles, so he--
GABRIELLE
Morning, Xellen.
XELLEN
Oh! You're awake!
GABRIELLE
Was there any trouble last night?
XELLEN
Well, there was this small problem.
When the Southern Cross was about yay
high in the sky, a horse thief tried to
make off with Argo, but in keeping with
my new policy of not being so aggressive
-- that new therapist is really quite good,
she's gotten me in touch with all sorts
of feelings. Well, not in touch exactly.
She's sort of introduced me to them and
I figure we'll touch in a few sessions.
We're kind of at the howdy stage right
now and I'm not--
GABRIELLE
The horse thief, Xellen?
XELLEN
Oh right! Yeah, so he tried to steal Argo
but I talked to him about how that was
wrong and then I told him about that time
when I was six? And I was out in the
fields with my mother? And she--
GABRIELLE
Did he run or fall asleep.
XELLEN
Fell asleep.
GABRIELLE
I'll go get him so you can question him.
Maybe he's one of Callisto's gang.
XELLEN
Oh hey! I never even thought of that.
You're smart, you know that? Well, of
course you know that, but I meant not
just book smart but forest/villain/
warlord smart...
TIME
DISSOLVE:
EXT. FOREST GLADE - DAY
Gabrielle hauls a soldier in by the ear. Xellen stands in her
most intimidating fashion.
XELLEN
Who sent you?
SOLDIER
Nobody.
XELLEN
You're wearing Callisto's colors.
SOLDIER
Coinicidence.
XELLEN
Callisto's Passion Fruit lipstick is
smudged on your armor.
SOLDIER
I had passion fruit for lunch.
XELLEN
You're not going to talk?
SOLDIER
Like you two need any more talkers
around here.
Xellen whooshes some pressure point digs and the man drops
to his knees, a look of pain on his face.
XELLEN
I've just cut off the flow of blood to
your brain. You'll be dead in less than
thirty seconds unless you tell me what
I wa--that is, approximately 30 sec --
you know how these things go... sometimes
it's more, sometimes less -- well, of
course you're probably hoping for more,
aren't you? I mean, I can understand that.
"Oh! Oh! Only 30 seconds! I have so much
to do" you're probably thinking. You know,
like talking to your mom and -- my mother
would kill me if I died and didn't say
anything to her, but then my mom -- she
owns a tavern. Did I already tell you that?
I don't think I did. Yeah, she owns this
tavern then Cortese came -- he's a warlord --
I decided to fight hi-- but that's water under
the bridge because I've chang-- uh... sir?
Sir?
GABRIELLE
Forget it, Xellen. We lost another one.
Callisto comes crashing through the bushes, sword drawn.
CALLISTO
Xellen. What a pleasure.
XELLEN
Callisto! How did you find us?
CALLISTO
I followed the sound of meaningless
chatter. It led me straight to you.
GABRIELLE
Teach me how to kill her, Xellen.
XELLEN
Really? You want me to teach you?
That's kind of flattering, thank you
Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE
Well, you're very skilled at this sort of
thing, you know. In fact, it reminds me
of a story --
XELLEN
Please, Gabby. Less talk. We have to
concentrate on blondie now.
CALLISTO
Prepare to face death, Xellen.
XELLEN
Wow, that's a frightening thought, isn't
it? I mean, facing death. Brrrr. But you
know all about that, huh? Here, have some
nutbread. You are just waaay too thin.
Callisto grabs a piece of nutbread.
CALLISTO
(her mouth full)
This is delicious! What's in it?
XELLEN
You like it? Really? I use cinnamon, a
little brown sugar, flour, eggs -- nuts,
of course! I mean, what's nut bread
without the nuts, right? I wouldn't even
know what you'd call that. Bread, I guess.
You'd have to say 'pass the bread' instead
of 'pass the nut bread.' That would be
weird, don't you think? 'Pass the bread'...
GABRIELLE
Why do you hate Xellen so? What could
cause anyone to carry a grudge like that?
Callisto helps herself to another piece.
CALLISTO
May I?
XELLEN
Be my guest.
CALLISTO
(intensely)
Xellen's army came to my village and
though they spared everyone's life, she
made us all listen to the story of when
she borrowed Lyceus' pony and he acused
her of dying her hair.
XELLEN
Oh right! I was just thinking about that.
Gabrielle, did I ever tell you that story?
It's really very funny. Well, not so much
ha ha funny but funny strange, because
there was this pony, you see and I--
Callisto shrieks, draws her sword and rushes Xellen. Xellen
leaps into the air, does several flips and shouts her warcry.
XELLEN
Ay le le le le le lebanese!!!
The two women fight furiously and equally, lots of
swordplay, leaping, yelling, yadda and more yadda.
Finally, Xellen has Callisto at the end of her sword. The
skinny blonde's eyes dart about madly, her mouth unable
to close over her teeth.
CALLISTO
Go ahead, Xellen. Kill me. Like you did
my village!
GABRIELLE
You said no one was hurt in your village.
CALLISTO
Oh, right. Then bore me! Like you did
my village!
XELLEN
You think I'm boring?
CALLISTO
The truth?
XELLEN
Yes.
CALLISTO
Um... you're holding a sword to my neck.
You sure you don't want a pleasant white
lie instead?
XELLEN
No.
CALLISTO
Okee doke. Yes, you bore me, Xellen.
XELLEN
Wow. I never knew that. Do I bore you,
Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE
Huh? I wasn't listening.
XELLEN
I am really -- boy is my face red here.
I just never -- I mean, I guess I kind of
wondered why Gabrielle was always falling
asleep and I -- you know, my mother used
to tell me that I should focus more when
I talked and I just thought -- huh, this is
something I'll have to bring up with my
therapist. Gabrielle, check the bushes
and see if there's a well-dressed woman
peeing there.
GABRIELLE
Will do.
Gabrielle exits. Xellen appears to come to a major decision
then removes the sword from Callisto's throat.
CALLISTO
That's it?
XELLEN
Yeah.
CALLISTO
I can go?
XELLEN
Yeah.
CALLISTO
Just like that?
XELLEN
Go.
Gabrielle returns alone.
GABRIELLE
Nope, nobody there. Though I noticed
Joxer's rotting corpse. Wonder what
happened to him?
XELLEN
*I* happened to him.
GABRIELLE
What? How?
XELLEN
He annoyed me.
GABRIELLE
Kinda harsh, don't you think? I mean
the guy's a relative of--
XELLEN
I don't care. Who's name is in the title
of this show, anyway?
Callisto starts to sneak away.
CALLISTO
I'll just... be going along now...
Xellen stares moodily, her lips curled in a sneer.
GABRIELLE
Um... you don't seem yourself.
XELLEN
No. You're wrong, Gabrielle. I'm more
myself than ever.
GABRIELLE
(skeptical)
Uh-huh. What the Hades is going on?
XELLEN
From now on, I'm the strong, silent type.
Cryptic words. Smoldering looks.
That's it.
GABRIELLE
No kidding? That just might work for
you, Xellen.
Xellen nods with a smoldering look.
GABRIELLE
Um... soooo... I guess that means I'll have
to do most of the talking then, huh?
XELLEN
Yeah.
GABRIELLE
Ooo-kay.
(suddenly realizing)
Oh shoot!
XELLEN
What?
GABRIELLE
We forgot to have subtext! This whole
dang thing went right by and not one sexy
glance, not a single vague reference --
nothing!
XELLEN
Now why in the world would *I* want
subtext?
GABRIELLE
My mistake.
Xellen smolders a moment.
GABRIELLE
Gonna sleep in the closet again tonight?
XELLEN
Thought I might.
GABRIELLE
Just checking.
FADE OUT.
THE END.