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Xena: TV Warrior

by Snoopmeff

I'm back!!! Bored as always, I decided to pump out another adventure of our favorite heroes. So sit back, relax and enjoy!

This story was rated PG-13 by the PAB (Parody Advisory Board)

When we last left our heroes, they were leaving the chocolate factory...

Scene 1

Road out of Thebes....Afternoon

Gab: That was one experience!

Xena: Yes. Yes it was. Now let us never speak of it again.

Gab: Fine.

(they walk along)

Gab: Xena?

Xena: Yes?

Gab: Why was Athena in the chocolate factory with us?

Xena: I don't know. Now that it about you know what.

Gab:(pouting) Fine. Hmph!

Xena: Oh will you quit it! I've been in battles tamer than that tour!

Gab: At least no one got killed.........that wasn't already dead before!

Xena: Point taken. Now NO MORE!!!

Gab: Fine.

(they walks along)

Xena: So where do you want to go?

Gab: I don't know. Maybe home to see my sister.

Xena: You know, maybe we can go to Amphipolis to see my family...

Gab: Fine. Doesn’t matter to me.

(they continue talking when a man in a farmers hat and winged sandals shows up in front of them)

Man: Ho travelers!

Gab:(turning to Xena)

Gab: How DARE he call us that!

Xena: I don't think that's what he meant.(turns to man) Hello Hermes.

Hermes:(disappointed) Aw. How'd ya know it was me?

Xena: Lucky guess. Now who's your message from?

Hermes: Actually, I have a few. (pulls out a scroll) *AHEM* There. Now, number one , Athena says hi. Two, Zeus says thanks for the brownies. Gab(whispers) Brownies to Zeus?

Xena(whispers) It was when I was seven. He's a little slow with thanks.

Hermes:(continuing) Ares says please come back to his side, um.. Apollo says hey, and Poseidon says don't ever swing your sword at me again. Oh Gabrielle, Artemis says you forgot to sacrifice to her after your wedding. She's pretty mad.

Gab:(blushing) oh yeah, that. (laughs nervously) Hehehe?

Xena: Gabrielle......

Gab:(still bright red) I kinda got caught up in the moment and........ (voice trails off)

Xena: I don't even want to hear about this!!!

Hermes: Oh and on one final note, Hera says that by this time tomorrow you will be in a alternate future universe. Bye!

Gab: Wait! What all this about an alternate future universe?

Hermes: Will I could tell you more, but Zeus calls! BYE!!!

(he disappears)

Xena: We have to talk about this "forgotten sacrifice" thing.

Gab: I thought I sacrifice something to Artemis.

Xena: Calling out her name does not count.

Gab: XENA..................

(fade out)

Scene 2

AND now, time for everyone's favorite scene....THE CAMPFIRE SCENE!!!!

Crowd: yeah.( a few people clap unenthusiastically)

On we go.....

Campfire. Gabrielle has set up an altar to Artemis and is sacrificing everything she can find to the goddess

Xena: Gabrielle, do you ever think abut the future?

Gab: Hasn't this been done before?

Xena: Bear with me, ok. Well, do you?

Gab: Yup. I am right now. (She sacrifices a sheep)

Xena: What are you thinking about?

Gab: What Hermes said. That would be really creepy. I mean, we are going to be in an alternate universe tomorrow morning! (Whistle to Agro) Come here Argo!

Xena: Don't EVEN think about it.

(all the sudden a loud crashing noise is heard from above. Xena draws her sword and Gabby grabs her staff. A woman with long black hair and a silver moon headband falls to the ground)

Woman:(falling from the sky) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*thud* ow! HERA!!! YOU $&#*@!

Xena: Whoa! Calm down! It's ok. (The woman turns around) Artemis.


Artemis:(interrupting her) I'm not here because of that Gabrielle. I was mad at you, but I have no time to be mad now.

Xena: What do you mean "You have no time?"

Artemis: It all started in Olympus. Hera was in a bad mood 'cause Zeus went on another "business trip" She had to find someone to take it out on. Who better than her stepkids? Since she was sick of bothering Herc, she thought she'd try someone new. So she picked me and Apollo. She has always hated us, and always hated our mother Leto. Apollo was in Troy at the time, so she just picked me. She sent me down her to be punished with you two.

Xena: But why are we being punished?

Artemis:(shrugs) Beats me. Maybe it's cause you two are close friends of Herc and Iolaus.

Gab: But can't you get out of this?

Artemis: Nope. Hera has my bow. You know how Ares's godhood is his sword? Well, mine's my bow.

Gab: So you will be traveling in the same universe with us?

Artemis: I don't know.

Xena: Here.( Xena tosses her a blanket) Get some sleep. Knowing Hera, you'll need it.

(fade out)

(fade in)

Scene 3

The opening credits to Laverne and Shirley play. Instead of Cindy Willams and Penny Marshall, It's Xena and Gabrielle

they wake up to find themselves in Laverne and Shirley's beds

Xena and Gabrielle: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To Be Continued......................

Disclaimer: Artemis was not harmed, but Gabrielle was pretty embarrassed.


Scene 1

Laverne and Shirley's apartment, afternoon

Gab: Xena, where are we?

Xena: I think this is the alternate universe Hera was talking about.

Gab: Oh. (get out of bed and looks at her clothes) AH! What's this?

Xena: Oh your just over reacting. (Gets out of bed) AHHH! WHERE'S MY ARMOR!!!!!!

Gab: (smirking) Oh I'm over reacting!

Xena: This isn't funny! Where's my chakram?!

Gab: (shrugging) I don't have it. By the way, where's Artemis?


Artemis: YAHHHHHHH!!!*splat* Where am I?

Producer: Who are you? You just squished John Henson!!

Artemis: Who?

Director: On in five.

Producer: Oh just read the cue cards!

Director: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and go!

Artemis: Hi, I'm your special guest host Artemis and this is Talk Soup! You know, marriage is based on things such as love, trust, compatibility and A WHOLE LOTTA MONEY!

At least that's what Wanda thinks in this Jerry Springer highlight!

Back in Laverne and Shirley's apartment........

Xena: Oh, I'm sure Artemis is ok wherever she is.

(a knock is heard on the door)

Xena: What is that?

Gab: I don't know. I'll open the door.( grabs a broom and heads to the door)

Lenny and Squiggy: HELLO!!

(Gabby slams the door)

Gab: We got to get out of here.

Xena: How?

Gab: I don't know, lets search the place.

(they look through all the cabinets and then look in all the rooms. They both open two doors at the same time. The doors bang into each other)

Xena: That was predictable.

Gab: Xena, I think I found something...

(under the kitchen sink there is a dimensional portal)

Xena: Come on, lets go!

(they go through the portal)

Gab: This is fun.

Back on cable tv....

Artemis: Thank you for that insight into the world of beer Tom. Coming up next, Men who play with toys!

Producer: And were *pause* clear! Good job! What's your name again?

Artemis: Artemis.

Producer: Yeah, right.

(John Henson starts to pick himself off the floor)

John: (brushing himself off) I'm ok now! Isn't that right Senor Sock?

Senor Sock: That is right.

Director: Ok John, were on in five. Girlie, take a hike!

Artemis: WHAT!?!?!

Director: Take a hike.

Artemis: Fine.

(she storms out of the studio and goes into the bathroom)

Artemis: Lousy no good humans...I oughta...(she sees a glowing blue spiral thingy in the mirror)

Artemis: I hope this is my ticket out.(she jumps in the portal)

(fade out)

(fade in)

Scene 2

The Singled Out set

Jenny: Right here we have fifty single guys!

Guys: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny: This is Jim, he like to GET DOWN!


Jenny: And right here we have fifty single women!


Jenny: This is Monica, she says she painted her toenails for this occasion!


Jenny: Only 2 of these people will go home with a date on Mtv's Singled Out!!


Jenny: And now the patron saint of game show hosts.......Chris Harwick!

Chris: Hello, welcome to Singled Out, the only game show with no home version! Our first contestant is a sidekick/bard! Let's welcome GABRIELLE!

(Gabby walks out with a blindfold holding her fighting staff. She is lead to the contestants chair, sits down and takes off her blindfold.)

Chris: So Gabrielle, how are you?

Gab: I'm lost and confused and hungry.

Chris: That's great. Ok, what category do you want first. We have Blood lust, body, hair length, fighting style, loyalty and weapon.

Gab: I guess body.

Chris: Ok, Hercules, Iolaus, or Joxer?

Gab: I can't stand men who are weaker than me, so lets get rid of Joxer!

(the rejected group walks out)

Chris: Ok, where do you want to go next?

Gab: I'll take hair length.

Chris: Ok we got Perdicas, Ares, or David?

Gab: I like hair on the shorter side, so let's get rid of David!

(the really long haired men walk out)

Chris: Where do you want to go now?

Gab: Let's go to blood lust.

Chris: Ok, Callisto or Homer?

Gab: I like men a little on the sensitive side, so lets get rid of Callisto!

(a few crazy looking men walk away brandishing knifes and swords)

Chris: Ok, next category.

Gab: I'll take fighting style!

Chris: Jean Claude Van Damme or Arnold?

Gab: Who? I guess I'll get rid of Arnold.

(the rejects walk off. a buzzer is heard)


Chris: Well, you know what that means, the end of the round! Next round after this break!

(Xena sneaks in and knocks one of the contestants on his head. She drags his knocked out body behind the set and walks out with his clothes on. Her hair is tucked under a baseball cap.)

Chris: Welcome back to Singled Out! Now it's time for round 2. Jenny introduce the contestants!

Jenny: Sure. Say hi #1!

( a jockish looking man walks up with a flannel shirt and a baseball cap.)

#1: Hi my name is Mike and I know what you'd like!


Jenny: That's great. Number #2?

(number two looks the same)

#2: My name's Rob and I'd looooove you to tell ME a story.....

Audience: YAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Jenny: #3?

(contestant 3 is Xena. She has on an eight ball T-shirt, baggy black jeans and a baseball cap) My name is uhhh...Deric and I wanna uhhhh...rock your world!

Audience: YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Jenny: Alright! Number 4?

Matt: My name Matt and I wanna #$&@%@(@*^~@*&$#^!

(Gabby makes a grossed out face)

Audience: Ewwwww....YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris: Ok you know the rules. Gabrielle will pick one of you to answer a question. If she likes your answer, you'll move on to Round 3. Got it!


Gabby: I'll take contestant #3. #3, I want you to take this Frisbee. It you can do a descent trick with it, I'll keep you!

Jenny: Here you go!

(Xena takes the Frisbee and makes it bounce off the rafters. It hit Jenny in the head and knocks her out cold.)

Chris: Keep him or dump him Gabrielle?

Gab: I'll keep him!

Chris: Go to the winner's circle #3!

Audience: WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Chris: Ok, you know what the buzzer means, it time to eleminate the contestants. Stand up you guys!

(contestants stand up)

Gabby: (reading off card) I want you guys to yell out your battle cries. The two with the best I'll keep.

Chris: (walking over to the contestants) Since Jenny was knocked out cold, (stepping over Jenny's body) I'll be holding the mic. #1?


Chris: Number #2!

Number #2: There can be only one.

Chris: Number #4?

Number #4: #&%%)#@#%&!!

Audience: Ewww.....YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris: Who do you want to keep?

Gabby: I'll keep # 1& #2. #4, learn some manners!

Audience: YAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chris: After this commercial break, we'll have the final round to see who gets to go out with Gabby!

Audience: YAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, back to Artemis.......

Martha: Hello. Welcome back. I'm Martha Stewart and this is my show. Today we will be making remote control holders out of old video game cartridges. First we..


Director: I think you killed Martha Stewart!!

Artemis: And that a GOOD thing!

(she walks off the stage)

(fade out)

Scene 3

Back on Singled Out......

Chris: Before the show Gabrielle submitted a number of answers to these questions. Are you guys ready?

Contestants: YAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Chris: Ok, revenge. Really sweet or rotten meat!

1: Really Sweet! Really Sweet!

Xena/Deric: Rotten meat!!

Chris: Gabby?

Gabby: Rotten meat!!!!

(Xena moved up one)

Chris: Ok, the Trojan War. Fought over Helen or some other reason?

1: Helen!!!

2: Helen!!

Xena/Deric: Some other reason!!

Chris: Gabby?

Gabby: Some other reason!!!!!!

(Xena moves up another spot)

Chris: Ok Deric, 2 more spots and you get to go out on a date with Gabby! Brass breastplates, uncomfortable or second skin!

1: Uncomfortable!

2: Uncomfortable!

Deric/Xena: Second skin!!

Chris: Gabby?

Gabby: Second skin!!!!!!

(Xena moves one more spot up)

Chris: One more spot Deric!

Deric: AYIYI..I mean Wooohooo!

Chris: Ok, the Amazons? Great people or men haters?

1: Men haters!

2: Men haters!

Xena/Deric: Great people!

Chris: Gabby?

Gabby: Great People!

*siren goes off*

Chris: We have a winner! Gabby, he's not too blood thirsty, he fights like Jean Claude Van Damme, and he's stronger than you (they turn around) meet Deric!

(before looking Gabrielle, happy to get someone that wasn't in any danger of dying, passionately kisses her mystery date)

Gabby: (thinking) There is something very familiar about Deric....

Gabby: Hey, is that a chakram in your pocket of are you just happy to see me!

(They look at each other)


Xena: *laughing* I guess I am!

Gabby: (under breath) Great, the censors will be THRILLED when they see this. (turns to home viewers) Oh come on, it's not like you didn't see this coming or anything!

(they both walk over to the winner's couch)

Gabby: Why did you do this?

Xena: (looking uncharacteristically nervous) Well Gabrielle, to tell you the truth ,um, well I don't know how to say this but I..........

(the couch turns into a portal and they fall in)

(fade out)

Part II Disclaimer #1: Martha Stewart was harmed in the making of this story, but, quite frankly, she scares me, so that's ok.

Part II Disclaimer#2: The contestant Xena conked on the head was not severely injured, but he didn't get to go on a date with Gabby.

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