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Disclaimer: There is mention of a relationship between two women.
If you are offended by this please read another story.
INT. SMALL CHANGING ROOM - DAY
Gabrielle is in her wedding gown. Her mom is there, as well
as Lila who is dressed in a hideous bridesmaid outfit of
bilious green carpet. Half of the Greek chorus is stuffed
into the corner, trying to look inconspicuous. Mom is putting
the finishing touches on Gabrielle's hair and veil.
Now don't be nervous, Chimpycheeks.
Everything is going to be all right. The
High Priestess of Demeter has a copy of
the vows you both wrote, and I've given
her all the instructions she needs.
Thanks, Mom. Didn't Xena look beautiful
last night at the rehearsal dinner?
She's a looker, but you're even cuter,
cuz you're my little Pussycakes --
(she tickles Gabrielle)
Aren't ya? Aren't ya?
Cut it out, Mom! I'm nervous enough.
Don't fear! My dear! Xena loves you,
that is clear!
(to chorus, smiling)
That was sweet! See, I knew there
was a reason I told Xena not to kill
We're here! To cheer! The wedding
of a queer!
Okay, not so sweet anymore. Get out.
The chorus looks chagrined but stays.
My dress itches.
Deal with it.
It makes me look fat.
Suck in your cheeks.
Does Xena have a sister?
No, but she has a brother who sorta
doesn't exist any more.
Cool. That's how we think of you.
Mom puts the finishing touches on Gabrielle's veil then stands
back. She begins to weep.
Oh! My babykins is getting married!
Don't cry, Mommy.
I can't help it. You're radiant, Puppychow.
I sing a song of Perdicus! The boy I
knew, the man I loved!
Shut up, ya freaks! It's Xena now.
She's the apple of my kittykins' eye.
I sing a song of Xena! The bloodthirsty
warlord I knew, the leather-clad
butt-kicker I love!
INT. ANOTHER DRESSING ROOM - DAY
Cyrene is adjusting the leather strips which hang off Xena's
leather tuxedo jacket. It's all she's wearing. Enormous
amounts of enhanced cleavage show as well as an endless
expanse of tanned, muscled legs. The other half of the chorus
cowers in the corner.
I appreciate your coming, Mom.
Yeah, well, I needed to get away
from the tavern.
Xena leans over and sniffs her mother.
Gods above! Did you bathe?
Too many candles around here.
With the amount of liquor my skin
absorbs I could spontaneously combust
Cyrene snaps her fingers and a tiny flame erupts. She blows it
Good thinking, Sparky.
Burn baby burn! Cyrene inferno!
Burn baby burn! She smells just
(to chorus, dangerous)
What did I tell you?
We'll die! This time! If we dare to
speak in rhyme!
And, what did you just do?
Cyrene surveys her daughter, taking the attention away from
the doomed chorus.
Need any more padding?
No, I think I'm pretty much at
Okay, see ya out there then.
Cyrene exits. Xena glares at the chorus who silently slink
away. Alone now, Xena looks at herself in the mirror one last
time. Quickly, she grabs her breast dagger and stuffs it in
her cleavage. Then she attaches her chakram and fits her
sword on her back.
Now I'm ready for a wedding.
INT. TEMPLE OF DEMETER - DAY
The Greek Chorus, reunited, is milling around. The assembled
guests are all familiar faces. Many of them look like
identical twins, which no one finds odd. David and an
anonymous centaur hang out together, Cupid and Caesar chat,
Princess Diana, Meg, Lyla and an Amazon enforcer whisper in
the corner, Ephiny and some French lady giggle, etc. Cyrene
takes her place near the front. On the other side is Mom, who
Suddenly the chorus files up to the front as Xena enters from
the side. She nervously adjusts her chakram. Hercules,
dressed in a bilious green tuxedo, stands next to her. The
chorus begins to play the Wedding March on pan flutes as
Lila walks slowly up the aisle. Then Gabrielle appears at
the back of the temple. They put away their flutes and sing.
One! Singular sensation, every
little move she makes.
Gabrielle, on her Dad's arm, walks down the aisle.
One! Bardly irritation, with every
French accent she fakes!
The Chorus pull out their pan flutes again to play an interlude.
Miss Artyphus whispering to Salmoneus.
I just adored "Aristophanes' Chorus
Line", didn't you? Saw it in Athens when
it opened. Spectacular costumes --
and the dancing! To die for!
I made a mint off the tunic sales.
Ah, those were good times.
Salmoneus sniffles, remembering.
Oh, I always cry at weddings! You're
my kind of man!
Miss Artyphus comforts Salmoneus as they both shed a tear.
BACK TO SCENE
Gabrielle and Dad arrive at the altar.
We are gathered here in the temple of
Demeter to sing praises--
--to our goddess, as she blesses the
joining of the two women who stand
before me. Marriage is a covenant not
to be entered into lightly...
Think twice! Think thrice! If your
marriage sucks life won't be nice!
Xena glares at the chorus, then, with a jerk of her chest,
launches her breast dagger. It pins one of the chorus
members to the wall. Message received, they stop chanting.
Who here shall giveth away--
(looks blank for a minute)
--the... uh... short chick?
I do. Love ya, Puddin' Pop.
Dad kisses Gabrielle then puts her hand in Xena's.
One! Singular sensation every
little move she makes! One! Clean
decapitation with every head that
Xena again glares at the chorus, dangerously. They continue,
despite this. They're not a very bright chorus.
She says it's all in the past but we
are.. not... sure... She says she's
heroically cast -- are her mo-tives
They whip out their pan flutes again and begin to do a high
kicking dance as they play. Xena grabs her chakram and
It bounces off the altar, around the temple, gives a couple
haircuts, including a shampoo and rinse, then neatly slices
through all the pan flutes before returning to her.
If I weren't in such a good mood...
It's okay, Xena. You can beat them
senseless at the reception.
All these interruptions. We'll never
get outta here.
Okay, moving along. Yadda yadda yadda...
if anyone here objects to this joining,
let them speak now or forever hold
The chorus takes a big breath as if to speak, but Xena draws
her sword. They all smile angelically; silent.
A man standing in the back of the temple.
R. J. STEWART
Sit down, R. J., it's only a parody.
R. J. STEWART
Ah. Okay, then. As long as everyone
remembers that they obviously like men.
BACK TO SCENE
Xena glares at all the guests, her sword twirling menacingly.
Callisto stands up, dripping lava.
I don't really object, but I love to
cause trouble, so okay, I'll bite.
She bites! She fights! She's a favorite
(to Xena, intensely)
Teach me how to kill her, Xena.
Now? In the middle of our wedding?
Well... okay, we'll save it for the
Tell you what. I withdraw my objection.
I'll just wait until the little girl says
something sappy about knowing what
love really is or something. Much more
Ha! Jokes on you -- that scene was
cut for time!
Can we please get on with this? I
have to preside over a pot luck dinner
in an hour and I still haven't baked
She's pressed for time! Get on the dime!
Say your vows! So we can carouse!
Ho-kay. No objections, so yadda yadda,
let's just cut to the chase, shall we?
Do you, Xena, take this woman to be
Wait! I wrote incredibly touching
vows about the meaning of love and
life with Xena and the future and
every detail of how she makes my
heart go pittypat!
Callisto stands and readies her sword.
Uh huh. Wasn't that the scene that
was cut for time?
No, I have several scenes like that.
So, Xena, did you write vows, too?
Are they as... *detailed* as hers?
The High Priestess points to a huge pile of scrolls, several
Good. Okay, people, assume the short
chick just said all that sappy stuff
about love, 'kay? Your turn, Xena.
Callisto sits down, disconsolately.
Steve Sears weeping in the corner. R.J. Stewart comforts
But those vows were some of my best
R. J. STEWART
I know, I know. Don't worry, we'll
recycle them into another script,
BACK TO SCENE
The High Priestess hands Xena her vow scroll. Xena unrolls
it with great ceremony. She clears her throat.
She hands the scroll back to the High Priestess.
Okay, do you--
(to High Priestess)
Hold on a second here, High.
Ditto? That's it? Those are the
vows you spent endless evenings
pouring over at the campfire?
"No, Gaaaabrielllle. I'm too tired.
Been working on my vows. I have a
headache, Gaaabriellle. From squinting
at my vows by firelight."
She's miffed! She's miffed! I sense
there'll be a rift!
R. J. Stewart and Steve Sears.
R. J. STEWART
Hey -- why didn't we think of that?
Don't worry, I'm writing it down. You
BACK TO SCENE
Well, I wrote several drafts. But I
realized that whatever you said would
probably be better -- and more like
what I meant.
Work it out after you're married, Ladies.
That's what most people do.
Fine with me.
Okay, I guess.
Suddenly, from the back of the temple, there's a huge ruckus.
Every warlord Xena has ever fought stands there. Callisto
jumps up happily to join them. Velaska twirls in like a
Must be time for a commercial break
INSERT COMMERCIAL BREAK HERE
INT. TEMPLE OF DEMETER - CONTINUOUS
For a moment everyone stands at the ready. Then Draco
Hi Xena! Hi Gabrielle! Are we late?
Got caught in the crosstown foot races.
Callisto slinks back to her seat, disappointed.
Find a place to sit and be quiet.
We're almost through here.
The warlords ease past several guests, looking for seats.
Pardon me. Excuse me. Ooops! Sorry
about the foot. Hey, neat hat. Pardon
When they're all seated, Xena glances up at the chandelier.
Suddenly, she does a somersaulting flip into the air, singing
out her warcry.
It's sabotage! It's fear we're feeling!
Happens every time Xena heads toward
Crouching precariously on the chandelier, Xena takes out
her fire tools and relights one of the candles. She leaps down.
Sorry. But good lighting is extremely
Yeah, your eyes did seem slightly less
blue for a minute there.
Xena turns to the High Priestess.
We're ready now.
The High Priestess is busy throwing small chunks of chicken
into a casserole dish. She looks up, sees that the women are
Yeah? You all set?
Do it, High.
Gotcha. Do you, Xena, take this woman
to be your lawful wedded wife? To
yadda and yadda and all that?
Do you, Short Chick, take this woman
I now pronounce you married. Kiss each
Gabrielle moves to kiss Xena who is suddenly shoved aside
by Autolycus. A chakram mysteriously slices across
Autolycus' face, shaving off his moustache.
Point taken, Xena.
R. J. STEWART
Autolycus slinks away. Xena takes her place in front of
Gabrielle and gives her a long, slow kiss.
They kissed! They kissed! If you went
to the john, look what you missed!
They all have VCRs.
Replay! Slo mo! Discuss each nuance
as you go!
The chorus sings the wedding march.
Na na na-na! Na na na-na! Na na na-na
na na-na na na-na!
Xena and Gabrielle turn and walk down the aisle together as
the guests stand and cheer.
That went pretty good, I think.
Yeah -- who'd have guessed it would go
without a hitch?
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