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by Sasha Foo
The use of copyrighted characters is not intended as an infringement.
It’s just for fun. This story contains sex scenes. If you are under 18 or offended by sex scenes don’t read it. This is my first and last fan fiction story. I wrote it in memory of my pal Wendy Wild. It is a real camp-o-rama where the erotic meets the idiotic, with some "inspiration" provided by The Odyssey (and other sources you may spot). Hope you like it. E-mail comments (nothing mean) to firstname.lastname@example.org .
© 1997 (Cocktail Time © 1990 Wild Beat Music)
Sing in me o Muse of two women, between them possessing many skills. They who, by the gods, were tested with numerous trials. The two women travelled in ignorance to the sacred city of Whatmeworry, yet saved it from the rapacious horde of Republican one-god fanatics. Tell me of the one, guilty of murderous deeds, set upon a course of endless wandering and heroic doings, as atonement for her wickedness. And of the other, compelled to follow the first - the bard who never stopped talking, yet could not give voice to what was in her heart. Through their adventure they brought honor to two gods they had previously displeased. By their feats they were released to resume their path of wandering.
Tell me, o Muse about these matters. Daughter of Zeus, my starting point is your choice.
The new gods Velaska and Callisto were encased in lava, entombed for all time to contain their evil. The Amazons were once again at peace with the good Queen Ephiny as their leader. The giant Gareth no longer terrorized the countryside. These feats were performed by Xena, the warrior princess and Gabrielle, bard and erstwhile Amazon queen. They should have been favored by the gods, yet they could find no peace. As they travelled their anger with each other grew greater with each mile. By evening one could barely say a civil word to the other. And as rosy fingered Dawn ascended her throne each day the bickering commenced anew. Something was amiss, yet Xena and Gabrielle knew not what. Xena suspected a god was at work. Both longed for the easy camaraderie they had previously shared.
Aphrodite, in her wisdom, looked upon this conundrum and answered thus:
"Talk about frustrated! These girls are so clueless! Well, Miss Gabrielle, how do you like me now? Your voice and your presence really bug Xena. You think you can just shake your stick in my face and get away with it? As if! Lecture me about love will you? You have had one husband for one night, you’ve spent two years following a woman you love, too chicken to do anything about it- what an expert - not! Well, you’re going to keep on following her, you’re not going to have sex, and it’s going to be a major bicker-fest every day. Welcome to married life, Gabrielle."
Eros, her son, overheard and asked:
"Mom, like aren’t you being way harsh?"
Golden Aphrodite, blessed with infinite intelligence, replied thus:
Xena and Gabrielle continued their travels. Searching for new adventures but finding none, they instead only found more time to be together, but there was no longer any comfort to be derived from each other’s company. One night as they relaxed on fuzzy carpets near the campfire, Gabrielle looked at Xena and felt a stirring in her heart. For Aphrodite had contrived to make Xena appear more fair to Gabrielle - even as she made Gabrielle more irritating to Xena. The blue-eyed warrior sat staring into the fire, occasionally poking it with a stick. The golden-red play of firelight across the warrior’s finely muscled arm drew the bard’s attention. Xena felt Gabrielle’s eyes upon her and became instantly irritated.
"Xena?" called Gabrielle.
"What!?" answered Xena.
"Nothing," said Gabrielle.
"If it’s nothing why do you bother me?" snapped the woman of many skills. Gabrielle said nothing more.
From Mt. Olympus, Aphrodite looked upon these matters with pleasure and commented thus:
When Dawn touched her rose colored fingers to the sky, Xena loaded her things upon her fine horse and attempted to creep away from camp alone. But Aphrodite woke Gabrielle and again she followed. Thus another day of contention between the two friends began anew.
Another god beheld these matters with great interest. Mighty Dionysus
- who is also called Bacchus Bromius - god of wine and unbridled joy. In his quest for worshippers and respect he has been known to bewitch the women of a town - cause them to leave hearth and loom - to engage in frenzied revelry in the woods. Woe to him who deigns disturb them: he will be torn asunder as if by a pack of wolves. It was in the exercise of such a plan - when Bacchus attempted to punish a townspeople for their impudence - that Xena foiled him, stabbing him with a dryad bone and freeing the captive women. And years earlier she had had the unmitigated gall to lead an army against his - a mortal challenging a god! Yet, what he wanted more than vengeance was to see Xena make a fine hecatomb to him, to see her praise him above all other gods.
And there was other wickedness afoot. A new group of religious fanatics, who worshipped only one god made in their image, was organizing a marauding band of missionaries. These were called the Republican Party. They planned to move against their neighbors - to burn the temples of the gods and to eradicate the ancestral beliefs. On the top of their list were the temples of Bacchus and Aphrodite - for these wicked men were, as a matter of principle, opposed to all sensual pleasures.
For them, the greatest victory would be to vanquish the city of Whatmeworry, most sacred and beloved of Bacchus.
Bacchus had wind of this plan. For this reason he approached Aphrodite and spoke thus:
"Aphrodite, I am aware of a group of evil men. They wish to dishonor us both by defiling our temples."
Aphrodite, daughter of Zeus, answered:
"That is so not cool!"
"What kind of evil, unappreciative people are these? Between us, you and I provide that which makes life tolerable for these mortals. We should be the most cherished of the gods. Yet this group would have our names eradicated from people’s hearts and minds. They would destroy our temples and eliminate our gifts to the people. They want humans to do without wine and revelry. And they would limit sexual relations to procreative purposes only. What manner of evil is this?"
The golden goddess answered:
"A world without sex and fun? Fucked up or what?"
The mighty god spoke again:
"As you have said, Aphrodite - that is the kind of world they want. And to begin their conquest they would have the city of Whatmeworry, the place where you and I are held in highest esteem over all other gods. Ye evil men of the Republican Party - ye shall not win! I shall send a champion to destroy you!"
Golden Aphrodite answered with these winged words:
"Yeah - whatever!"
"Not only will I destroy the heretics but to accomplish this end, I will have the warrior princess Xena fight for me. It is an easy matter, really. We need only to let her experience the pleasures we can give. Once she has had them, I am sure she will battle fiercely to keep them. These heretics don’t look kindly upon women lying with women. Nor would they allow immodestly attired women to gallivant about freely, as Xena and her companion do."
But Aphrodite answered:
"They’re not lying with each other. I mean - duh! Can’t you see I’m working a little spell to teach that brat a lesson? Xena is totally P.O.’d at her. She can follow her to Tartarus and back but she’s not going to get any. That’s what happens when you get on my shit list."
But Dionysus pressed on:
"Would you allow your petty quarrel to subvert a sacred mission? Have I not even more reason to see them suffer? Yet I can put aside my anger and look at the greater effect of letting them be happy. Before much time has passed they shall, both of them, be praising both of us. They shall battle even to the death to protect our sacred city and my chosen leader, Queen Wendy."
The goddess said:
"Okay, I see your point. But isn’t Queen Wendy like, a major alky?"
"Queen Wendy is my chosen among mortals because she makes the freest use of my gifts and holds me in highest esteem among the gods."
Spoke the goddess:
"I’ll take that as a yes."
The two gods of pleasures were now allied in their plan to destroy the evil Republican Party. Together they flew from their thrones on Mt. Olympus to the humble campsite of Xena and Gabrielle, where they observed petty quarrelling in progress. When the mortals fell silent again they sat on opposite sides of the fire and waited miserably for night to fall. Xena stared into the fire, wondering why she felt such irritation. Gabrielle stared at her beloved, wondering why things had gone so wrong between them. She wept and wept, at first quietly, then loudly. Warm tears she shed upon the ground - until Xena glared at her and growled, "Knock it off!"
Aphrodite - although still displeased with Gabrielle - was moved and agreed to take the spell off.
The golden goddess spoke thus:
"So Bacchy baby, how do we get them to be a couple of party-down dykes? I don’t see too much potential here. It’s such a bummer when I get a couple of girls together and they just like move in with each other, stop going out, and just get boring. I think the little one is definitely in that category."
"I think not. But to ensure our success they will consume some of my lesser known gift, the magic mushroom."
When Dawn crept forth from her couch of reclining, bard and warrior silently arose and headed straight for the nearest town, knowing not that their actions were being directed by the gods. When they reached the town, Bacchus directed Xena to enter a tavern. She turned and told Gabrielle not to follow her in.
Faithful Gabrielle walked toward the market square, her heart heavy - when there appeared in the empty street a wizened old woman. This was the form Aphrodite took to gain the bard’s trust.
The goddess spoke:
"Hello, my dear, you look totally bummed out - I mean upset. What weighs so heavily on your breast?"
The bard sighed, "My best friend can’t stand me anymore. She won’t even talk to me. I don’t know what to do about it except leave. But somehow I can’t bring myself to do it."
The goddess disguised as an old woman answered:
"I happen to have just what you need, right here in my bag. These mushrooms..."
Gabrielle spoke before the goddess finished: "I love mushrooms!"
The goddess fought the urge to smite Gabrielle for interrupting, then
"I’m sure you do, babe, but that’s not the point. Take these mushrooms and boil them in a pot of water. Then take the water and add it to some strong wine. Then I want you and your friend to drink of it. Drink it all. After you have drunk this, everything will change. Everything you see will be beautiful, infused with glittering light and creating colorful trails. You’ll be transported to a place you’ve never seen before, a place inside your minds. It’ll be fuckin’ cool, no shit. I mean, you and your friend will find happiness there."
"Well, I’ll try anything... so after I boil the mushrooms do I just throw them away or can I stick them in a casserole or something?" asked the practical bard.
Answered the goddess:
"Oh, you can stick them alright."
That said, she disappeared, pausing to say to herself: "I’m giving her drugs?
Like she needs any!?"
Gabrielle took the bag and went to the well. There she drew a pot full of water and took it to a side street near the tavern, for she wanted to keep a watchful eye on Xena’s comings and goings. She would not let her friend escape until she had drunk the mushroom water. Gabrielle prepared the concoction, strained off the water and poured it into a wineskin, half full of strong wine, as instructed. Of the mushrooms, though she had meant to save half for Xena, she - the woman of prodigious appetite - ate them all. As Apollo neared the end of his daily journey Xena left the tavern. Faithful Gabrielle was waiting near the horse with wineskin in hand.
The blue-eyed warrior regarded her friend with suspicion, her mind reaching for a hurtful thing to say. Yet somehow she thought better of it and held her tongue.
The two began walking in silence under the full moon - walking purposefully into the wine-dark forest as if on a mission - though neither knew where they were bound. The wineskin passed between them again and again, Gabrielle grateful that Xena drank from it without question. After a time they reached a small clearing. Xena turned to Gabrielle and asked, "Are you tired? Do you want to stop here?" Gabrielle was not tired - truly she had never felt more alive. But she knew Xena was and had too much pride to admit it. And she welcomed the chance to relax for awhile and see what effect the mushrooms were having on her friend.
They set up camp as they always did, with Xena making a fire and Gabrielle unpacking. The bard dared not speak. They had gone one day without quarrel and she didn’t wish to start now. As she watched Xena tend the fire, she again noticed the warrior’s supple beauty, but on this night it was different. Xena’s body appeared to glow as brightly as the fire. Xena once again felt Gabrielle’s eyes on her body, but for the first time in weeks she wasn’t angered by this. Indeed, she smiled at her friend and moved her blanket closer. The bard was thrilled by this result. Tentatively, she spoke. "Xena, do you feel like talking?"
"Okay," answered the blue-eyed warrior as she reclined upon her fuzzy rug.
"I’m really glad you’re not angry with me tonight..." she began.
"Because you’ve been so angry with me lately," answered Gabrielle.
Xena yawned, "I don’t know what you mean." That said, she fell into deep slumber, brought on by a full day of wine drinking.
For hours Gabrielle kept watch of Xena in sweet sleep. She lay on her back covered by a fleecy blanket beside the dwindling campfire. A sleepless night was a new experience for the dear bard. But on this bright night the wine and mushrooms left Xena sleeping soundly and Gabrielle awake and pondering. She watched the moonlight play on her friend’s face. How it shimmered and glowed! Then she became aware of sparkling lights in the air and the dark ground began to roll and pitch like the sea. The old woman was right - but Gabrielle feared the effect would wear off before Xena awoke. The bard noted the rise and fall of Xena’s chest with each breath. Recalling happier times when Xena had regarded her dearly, she mused, "How many times has she watched me this way?"
Xena turned on her side to face Gabrielle, pulling the blanket around her with her lovely hand. The bard’s gaze shifted from face to hand. Abstract thoughts about her hands swirled through Gabrielle’s mind. Thoughts about how beautiful, how strong and gentle they were. Recalling times she had felt those hands touching her, all the unpleasantness of the previous weeks was forgotten, replaced by euphoric giddiness. She felt an urgency to go to Xena, to take her hand and bring it to her lips.
"What am I thinking? She doesn’t want that," thought Gabrielle. She lay back down and threw her arm over her eyes. Once again she allowed fear to keep her from her heart’s desire. But desires are like the waves of the sea - they return infinitely many times. Gabrielle realized that if she wanted something to happen, it was entirely up to her. She thought about the recent behavior of her friend, and knew she had been under a spell. By some god the spell had been cast and now by some god, Gabrielle knew the spell had been broken. Which god was of no consequence. The bard cared not - she was of a mind for action.
She opened her eyes and looked over at Xena. In the pre-dawn light she saw Xena stretch her arm forward. With her glowing arm resting on the dark rubbery ground she appeared to be beckoning, inviting. Summoning her courage, Gabrielle knelt beside Xena and gently took her hand. The warrior woke with a start. "What’s wrong?" she asked.
"You umm, almost put your hand in the fire," lied Gabrielle, courage deserting her as she still held on.
Sitting up and looking at the cold embers - which suddenly exploded into a thousand jittering pieces - Xena said, "I don’t see any...fire? Come on, Gabrielle.
What’s going on?" Those were her words. She grasped Gabrielle’s shoulders and gazed into her eyes, seeing her friend in a strange new light. She appeared as a god: golden, everlasting. Gabrielle responded, resting her hands on Xena’s waist. Finding her courage again she leaned forward to kiss Xena’s lips. "Gabrielle..." Xena started.
Bringing her hands to Xena’s face she said, "Xena before you say anything, I know what I’m doing." She kissed her again: her tongue sought to breech the barrier of Xena’s teeth. The warrior hesitated, but not for long. She opened her mouth to let the bard’s tongue probe her. Gabrielle pushed Xena onto the fleecy blankets, never breaking the kiss. Xena responded - in fervor she drove her tongue into Gabrielle’s mouth and ran her hands along her sides. The blue-eyed warrior became more entranced by the flawless bard. She rolled over on top and broke the kiss to look at her friend. One arm cradled her, the hand under her head. The other hand caressed her belly and chest.
"Did you know I’ve wanted this for a long time?" she asked quietly. Her fingertips stroked between Gabrielle’s breasts.
Her answer was astute, precise, "I wish I had known."
Xena smiled and slowly opened Gabrielle’s blouse to reveal her breasts.
Cupping one in her hand she bent down and took it in her mouth, her tongue gently flicking over the nipple. She continued working on her breasts, licking and sucking them. The taste of her friend’s skin and her softs moans delighted her. She slid her other arm under Gabrielle and pressed her weight upon her as Gabrielle opened her legs. Xena kissed her head, her mouth, her throat. Gabrielle felt the warrior’s breath hot in her ear: her hold became tighter. The sensation of weight and pressure intoxicated the bard. She trusted her strong friend, felt safe in her embrace.
Reaching behind, Gabrielle opened the back of Xena’s leather dress. Xena sat up and pulled it over her head. The bard took a long look at Xena’s body.
She had seen it every day, yet on this night everything seemed strange and more beautiful than ever before. Xena looked to be glittering and when she moved, trails of light marked the path of movement. Her fingers reached forward to trace the lines of Xena’s battle scars. These too seemed particularly lovely. Xena was moved by the gesture and smiled warmly. Gabrielle exclaimed, "I"ve said it before and I’ll say it again. By the gods, you are beautiful."
Xena reached under the small of Gabrielle’s back and lifted her to pull off her skirt. She placed her hand on the blonde mound - reverently her fingers stroked the soft hair. Gabrielle pushed her cunt against Xena’s hand. The warrior took hold of her thighs, and pulled her towards her, one leg on either side. She paused briefly to stroke her inner thighs, then reached behind her and pulled her close. Now they sat facing each other, Gabrielle’s legs around Xena’s waist. Xena slid her hand down Gabrielle’s ass to her cunt, parting wet lips with strong fingers. Gently she pushed in one finger and was answered with a sharp gasp. After a few strokes she added another and brought her thumb to stroke Gabrielle’s clit. Soon she added a third finger. Gabrielle felt her mind separate from her body as Xena fucked her slow and deep. From outside herself she watched as she moaned and scratched Xena’s back, leaving small pink trails. The warrior lifted her higher now to suck her breasts.
Gabrielle laid her hands on Xena’s arms to stroke the cuts between the muscles with her fingertips. She marvelled at the tautness beneath the smooth skin.
was ragged now. Once again Xena’s hand reached in. The bard was hers.</P>
She eased Gabrielle onto the blanket and side by side they lay. Now the two friends explored each other’s bodies and were filled with deep delight. Now the commanding bard took hold of her warrior: she brought her mouth to bear upon Xena’s cunt. Again they mingled upon the fuzzy blankets in the custom of the Amazons. And afterwards they toasted their happiness with sweet wine - that which was mixed with the mushroom water - the tastiest they could remember. Xena became aware of a strong feeling of tenderness, more intense than she had ever felt before. She wanted to shelter and protect Gabrielle. At the same time she wanted to get inside her, to ravish her. As she looked at her, tears wet her cheeks.
"Gabrielle, we’ve wasted so much time. Why have we?" asked Xena.
To Gabrielle’s ears, the words were garbled, unintelligable. She laughed as if
she would never stop. Then she answered, "Did you just say something?"
Such were the words they shared with one another.
Dawn raised her head from her pillow of unconsciousness and stretched forth rosy fingers to touch the sky with exploding electric colors. Gabrielle and Xena arose with joy in their hearts and loaded their things upon Xena’s fine horse. Not knowing where they were bound and not caring, they followed a path chosen, it seemed, at random. As the horse carried them across the hairy back of the forest, Gabrielle seated behind Xena, the bard touched her warrior with abandon all over her body.
Xena was no longer irritated by her presence.
Outside the high stone walls of fabulous Whatmeworry stood Joxer, who counted himself among the immortal heroes. Yet, his request to gain entrance to the city was denied by the guards, who advised him to stay outside the velvet ropes.
"Why can’t I go in?" asked Joxer.
"Because there are too many people inside," answered one guard. But Joxer did not hear when the guard turned to his companion and said, "Maybe he’ll just go away."
Patient Joxer continued his vigil, waiting for someone to leave so he could enter. One hour later, a party of three came through the gate and were let out through the velvet ropes. Joxer started to walk inside but was stopped by the guard.
"Why can’t I go in now?" he asked.
The guard answered with these winged words, "Because it’s still too crowded.
In fact, we won’t be able to let anyone in until tomorrow or the next day."
"I’ll wait anyway. A bunch of people might leave," he replied.
At that moment a luxurious gilded chariot drew close and two wealthy women
dismounted. They were two large women, very large, wearing huge sandals. The guards rushed to open the ropes and welcomed them in.
"So why do they get to come in? Because they’re rich?", asked slow-witted Joxer.
At that the other guard took pity on Joxer and came outside to speak with him. "It is not a matter of wealth, my friend. It’s just that - your clothes, your look, your nebbishy demeanor - you wouldn’t feel comfortable in there. You’re just all wrong and we can’t let you in."
"Why not?" whined the man of unproficiency.
The first guard now joined the conversation: "Because the queen would have
our heads if she saw the likes of you in there. Now get lost!"
Dejected, with a heavy heart, Joxer reluctantly walked away. The lonely warrior wanted to attend The Rites of Spring Bacchanal - desperately, achingly. He longed to see the shapely houses of the great city and to partake in its revelry. The feast was to be held in less than one week: he meant to attend one way or another.
He proceeded down the road in search of someone who could get him in.
The city of Whatmeworry lies in the heart of the lower east side of Hellas. Inside its battered old ramparts is a fair city unsurpassed in beauty and grace.
Though not rich in gold or other common forms of wealth - for it doesn’t need these ordinary accoutrements to adorn its lovely face - the fair city is dripping in finery made from the rarest materials: plastic, glitter, turkey feathers, styrofoam. These materials are unknown to the rest of the known world. And it has in greatest abundance these: wine, mushrooms, and hemp buds, and people who appreciate these commodities. It is a haven for bards and other performers of all description.
Some say its beauty is illusory, depending solely on the mental attitude of its beholder. But is not all beauty thus? People travel from all parts of the known world to attend its feasts and banquets. And once inside the fair city’s walls, attitudes are soon adjusted for maximum appreciation of its beauty.
In this city, for as long as anyone can remember, Queen Wendy rules. She is both political leader and high priestess. As her rule is gentle she is well-loved. She, of deathless wisdom, is skilled in the rites of Aphrodite and those of Bacchus. But it is in the worship of Bacchus that her religious fervor reaches its highest pitch, for there is no one, mortal or immortal, who can match her capacity for Bacchic revelling. She is small of stature, but seen as a god by her loyal subjects. And she has many other skills including bard and artisan. In all that the city holds dear, her talents are unrivaled.
Recently to the city travelled fair Meg, a lovely woman, if somewhat uneducated - in search of spiritual enlightenment. Meg’s natural aptitude for Bacchic rites were soon noticed by Queen Wendy. She won the queen’s favor and was taken into her inner court for personal training, and soon after that became the queen’s consort. Thus her social standing was elevated from tramp to queen’s lover, and she gloried in her new stature.
Meanwhile, in the plant-rich forest Xena and Gabrielle discovered a field of hemp plants in flower. Rich, lush, blue-green - delightful to the eye and charming to the nostril. "These are used to make rope," said Xena, skilled in the ways of many lands. "And the flowering tops are for, uh, medicine."
Gabrielle’s answer was sharp, precise. "Huh. I’ve heard of this medicine. A lot of bards say they smoke it for inspiration and see visions."
"Let’s try it," was Xena’s wise reply. She took her finely-honed chakram in hand and let it fly. Down the rows of plants it flew, back and forth, lopping off the buds as it went. Once all the plants had been separated from their tops, it flew back to Xena’s waiting hand.
"Awright - what a score!" shouted Gabrielle, jumping for joy. She gathered the buds into a sack. Together, arm in arm, they went looking for a suitable camp site.
Soon they encountered a lovely clear-water lake, and decided to stop there. The blue-green buds were hung to dry over a slow fire as warrior and bard bathed and frolicked in the lake. Later, wily Xena fashioned a smoking pipe from two fat reeds, called a bong. She had learned this skill while studying at Amphipolis High. Gabrielle brought a well-stitched skin, bursting to capacity and called out, "Look what I have Xena - beer! Let’s do a beer bong."
Mushrooms, wine, beer, and bongs were among the pleasures Bacchus wanted Xena and Gabrielle to exult in - not to mention sex and gallivanting in cleavage-popping costumes. The mighty god’s plan was working, and the pair were bound for Whatmeworry, though they still did not know.
The clever warrior and the flawless bard partook of the pleasures laid out before them. Their hands went out to take the bong again and again. Gabrielle was inspired to commemorate the occasion with a bardic verse carved into the smooth bark of a tree: "Xena and Gabrielle - living it up with pot and beer." Charmed by pot, entranced by beer, the lovers again mingled breast to breast upon fleecy blankets.
Xena introduced Gabrielle to the delights of her horse’s saddle-horn. And afterwards, the gods poured sweet sleep upon them.
But late that night Xena awakened with a start and looked around her.
Gabrielle still slept in her arms, which gave her some measure of comfort. Still, her sharp mind discerned something awry. She got up carefully, silently to avoid waking Gabrielle and went to investigate. Only steps away from the camp she heard a footfall behind her and turned suddenly to face Callisto. She - immortal - pledged eternal vengeance against the warrior. Now a god, she was irresistible.
The goddess spoke, a malicious smirk on her face:
"Hello Xena. Have you missed me as much as I’ve missed you?" Xena’s eyes widened in astonishment and fear as she stood naked before her nemesis.
Callisto spoke again:
"What’s the matter Xena? Don’t be embarrassed, dear. You seem to forget, I know your body from the inside out."
"What do you want?" asked Xena, trying to hide her fear.
The goddess’ words were sharp, harsh:
"I want to thank you for all you’ve done for me, of course. Let’s see... you killed my family, you killed me, you dumped me into a lava pit...am I leaving anything out? And after the favors I’ve done for you."
"Favors?" asked Xena.
The goddess answered:
"You’re still alive aren’t you? And you’ve got your precious little Gabrielle with you.
You know, if I hadn’t killed her husband, you two wouldn’t be enjoying such a close relationship. The way I figure it, you owe me."
"Now that you’re a god, what could you possibly want from me?" she asked.
Vengeful Callisto spoke:
"Now that I’m a god, I can have whatever I want from you whenever I want it. I can torture you, kill you, kill your little friend while you watch..." On hearing these bitter words, Xena looked back in Gabrielle’s direction. "Oh, that hurt didn’t it? I’ve got you right where I want you."
Xena looked desperately for escape, her mind sifting various ideas. Her answer was astute. "You wouldn’t be a god if it weren’t for me. Why don’t we say we’re even?"
Callisto spoke again harshly:
"Why don’t we say that you will give me your complete cooperation or I kill Gabrielle? What I want Xena, is a little human companionship." Her hand reached out to stroke a piece of Xena’s hair.
"You want my companionship? You hate me," Xena said, incredulous.
The goddess answered with these winged words:
"Hatred is the only emotion I have, thanks to you."
Xena was helpless. Her mind strayed to blame herself for Callisto’s escape from the tomb of lava. Would that she hadn’t freed her in the first place. Would that she hadn’t told Gabrielle to give her the ambrosia. Now all was lost. Now she had to deal with a vengeful psychotic god.
"All right, I’ll cooperate," she sighed, staring hard at Callisto.
"Excellent! Let’s go."
That said, the unlovely goddess took Xena’s hand and led her away from the camp. They walked through the black night for a long time. Never had a night been blacker or Xena’s mood more bitter. The forest - dark, trackless - disoriented the warrior. She despaired. Finally they arrived at a steep rock face and entered a cavern. Upon entering - torches were lit on both sides of a high chamber, furnished with only one item; Callisto’s prison bondage throne. Xena recalled when she had been strapped to it, a hateful memory.
Callisto sat down on her throne:
"So, how do you like it?"
"It’s lovely," answered Xena sarcastically, meeting Callisto’s stare with one of her own.
Callisto, hot with rage, shrieked:
"I am a god now Xena! Get on your knees!" An unseen force slammed Xena to her hands and knees in front of the throne. Though it released her immediately she didn’t dare get up. Callisto was well pleased. "I like seeing you this way! I have a marvelous idea. I should put you on a leash and make you crawl from town to town.
And in each town you can confess your crimes."
"Yeah, but will it play in Peoria?" cracked Xena.
Now the goddess laughed:
"Oh good one Xena. Now let’s cut the crap. How do you like my boots?" She extended one leg. "Take a good close look." Her hand grabbed Xena,s hair and yanked her close.
"They need cleaning. I want you to clean them with your mouth." Xena lifted her head to fix Callisto with a hateful stare. Callisto responded with a stiff backhand across the cheek. "Get to work!" she shouted. "And take that look off your face, missy."
Xena set about her task knowing that as far as torture goes, boot service, while humiliating, at least isn’t painful. Callisto enjoyed the sight of her once powerful enemy kneeling before her, licking her boots.
She let out a wicked cackle:
"I wish Gabrielle could see her warrior princess now!" But soon she tired of it, opened her armored bra and pulled Xena’s head to her chest. Xena took one of Callisto’s breasts into her mouth and sucked hard, then bit painfully into the nipple, a small act of rebellion. Callisto pushed her away and snapped, "You better not try a stunt like that again."
"I thought you might like that," answered Xena.
Callisto’s answer was commanding:
"You don’t think. You obey. Now you’re going to be nice, dear. Or else I’ll see if Gabrielle is more to my liking." The warrior needed all of her wiles to get through this ordeal. She closed her eyes and imagined she was with a friend, no one in particular; but anyone other than Callisto. Sucking more gently now, her hands reached up to the goddess’ breasts. She opened her eyes to gage Callisto’s response. To her horror, Callisto was staring down at her with dreadful white eyes. She shut her eyes again and returned to her task. Callisto slowly guided Xena’s head down her body, then pulled it forcefully to her cunt. Xena worked, summoning all her skills, to bring her off.
Her plan was to induce a strong enough orgasm in Callisto that she might go to sleep long enough for an escape opportunity. She started with slow gentle strokes of her tongue between Callisto’s lips, delving into her hole with each one. She soon intensified her efforts, bringing her lips and teeth into play. She put a finger into Callisto’s cunt and was surprised to find how tight it was. More surprising to the warrior was her own arousal by the monstrous god. She prayed Callisto wouldn’t notice the juice threatening to run down her leg. Callisto finally came with a loud shriek and sank back into the chair with her eyes shut. She put one foot on Xena’s shoulder and shoved her away.
Xena looked at her enemy - Callisto wasn’t moving. Xena got up and turned to run when she felt her wrist gripped as if by an eagle’s talon. She turned again to see Callisto holding on to her. Her words were fierce:
"Uh uh, Xena. Where do you think you’re going? We’re not finished yet." She eyed the warrior up and down with an evil grin. Pulling her over to the throne, she made Xena bend down and take hold of the arms. She strapped Xena’s wrists and arms - tightly, securely. "Wait here," she commanded with a laugh, then disappeared into the blackness of the cave. Xena’s spirit wanted to lament. When Callisto returned she was carrying a black leathern godimiche, long and thick. She walked over to Xena and ran her hand up Xena’s inner thigh.
She taunted the warrior:
"Looks like Xena’s all excited." She placed the dildo on her mound and it attached itself. As she stood before Xena, her hands on her hips, dildo jutting out, she commented, "I like your butt Xena." Those were her words.
The brave warrior readied herself. She had stopped fearing pain years before. Callisto would not have the satisfaction of knowing that this harsh ordeal hurt or scared her. She said, "Go ahead, get it over with. At least I don’t have to look at your face."
Callisto came behind Xena and took hold of her hips. Xena trembled when she felt the head of the dildo rub against her anus. But then Callisto reached down and guided it instead to her cunt, slick and wet. Pushing slowly she entered her, gently and carefully. The dildo glided in.
"There, you see? You had me all wrong Xena. This is nice. You like this." For the first time there was no hint of sarcasm in Callisto’s voice. Xena wondered what she was up to. Callisto’s devious mind had concieved a plan. The first part was to make Xena desire her, for she knew that would disturb the warrior more than being hurt. She started to move now and reached a hand around to fondle Xena’s clit. Xena stared straight ahead, thinking of nothing. The sensations of being penetrated and fondled were all she focused on. She felt deep shame in her arousal. Callisto fucked her as a lover would: smooth, slow, wanting to pleasure her partner. And so they coupled, the willing and the unwilling. Xena’s breath came faster now as her eyes closed. Callisto ran a hand up to Xena’s chest and felt her heart beating wildly. She bent down to kiss the back of her neck and felt Xena’s heart speed up again. Slowly she brought both hands up to squeeze Xena’s breasts. An involuntary gasp escaped the warrior’s lips.
The goddess revelled in her triumph, and said, "You can stop pretending now, Xena.
We both know you love this." Callisto returned one hand to Xena’s clit and with the other she grabbed a handful of hair and pulled, not painfully but hard enough to demonstrate dominance over her enemy. She increased her rhythm, fucking Xena quite forcefully now. The warrior’s feelings of shame and embarrassment mixed with lust. Never had she felt so out of control. She felt Callisto’s hips bumping against her. Arms wrapped around her waist to pull her closer. Lips and tongue wet her neck and back. Despite her efforts not to, she came to a tremendous climax. Shuddering and gasping, she sank to her knees. Callisto followed, staying in her.
Xena slumped against the throne, utterly defeated. After a minute Callisto withdrew from her, stood and folded her arms. She looked down at Xena with a smug expression.
The goddess asked:
"How was that?" Xena only stared straight ahead. "Well I really don’t have to ask, do I?" She freed Xena’s bonds and knelt beside her. "Look at me Xena," she said, taking Xena’s face and turning it towards her. Xena had neither the strength or the will to resist. Callisto kissed Xena’s mouth fiercely. She drove her tongue deep inside, back into the warrior’s throat. At the same time she took hold of the warrior’s neck, pushed her onto the floor and straddled her hips. Sitting up she commanded, "I want you to look at me." Xena opened her eyes and looked at the vengeful face. "I’m glad you like this so much, because this is what you have to look forward to for the rest of eternity. Remember this - You will never be rid of me." She knelt between Xena’s knees and roughly pushed them apart. Then once again she penetrated her, this time while staring into Xena’s face. Xena felt her legs wrap around Callisto’s waist and her hands grasp Callisto’s shoulders. She no longer cared what might happen next. She submitted willingly. As Callisto thrust into her again and again she felt herself losing consciousness.
She awoke again next to Gabrielle. She often experienced terrifying nightmares but this one was different. She wondered if it might be some augury.
Whatever it was, she decided never to speak of the shameful dream. She drew close to her lover and waited for morning.
Dawn ascended her throne of pure white porcelain, carrying a good scroll and a pack of cigarettes. Gabrielle awoke, ravenously hungry and nursing a headache. Xena had already been awake for hours. She was spent, downhearted - the bard didn’t understand why. Xena looked at her beloved bard and suddenly a plan came to her.
What they needed was a vacation in Whatmeworry, the party capital of the Aegean.
With so many distractions, she was sure the nightmares could be kept at bay. She broached the subject to Gabrielle. "Gabrielle, have you ever heard of the city of Whatmeworry?"
"Sure, I’ve heard of it. Who hasn’t?’ answered the bard.
Xena continued, "It’s not very far from here. Do you want to go there for the
Rites of Spring?"
Gabrielle met these words with suspicion: "Xena, this doesn’t sound like you.
Since when do you like parties?"
"Well, I know you like them and besides, it would be fun going there with you. We’ve never done anything like this before. Let’s go and have a good time," she answered.
"Wow, I never thought I’d get to go there. I mean back in Potedeia, people used to talk about it like only deviants and misfits go there. They think it’s debauched."
"Your point being?"
"Very funny. But really Xena, you seem a little strange this morning. Are you
"I’m fine, Gabrielle. I just had too much beer."
"I heard that! agreed the bard.
These were the words that passed between them. The two lovers set off in the
direction of Whatmeworry, knowing it was only a day and a half away. Xena prayed there would be no repeat of the previous night’s dream.
Xena and Gabrielle continued through the forest on their way to Whatmeworry. The forest road was lonely, dark. Most people arrived at the city by boat or by coastal road. For two days and nights they had seen no one and had made good use of the privacy to strengthen the bonds of their friendship. But now Xena craved people, distraction from her dark thoughts. She did not share her thoughts with the bard.
She suffered alone.
Then, further down the road they heard a rustling of branches and a clanking of metal. And then they heard the call of Joxer, the would-be hero. "Hey guys! Imagine meeting you here. Are you going to Whatmeworry? Cause if you are, I can get you in.
They don’t let just anybody in, you know."
Gabrielle’s answer was precise, "If you’re going there, why are you walking in the opposite direction?"
"Because I heard someone following me, so I came back to investigate," said Joxer, lying.
Gabrielle did not believe him. "Huh. We didn’t see any tracks. You weren’t on this road."
Xena now spoke, "Joxer, do you want to come with us to the city? Is that what you want?"
"Yes. Please Xena, they won’t let me in," he pleaded.
"That’s what I thought. Well you can forget ..." Gabrielle started but her words were cut short by Xena.
"Okay, you can come with us," said the warrior.
Joxer exulted, "Thanks Xena. Oh man! Party time!"
Gabrielle was amazed. She said, "Xena!? What, are you kidding? Come on, let’s ditch him."
But the warrior’s mind was set. "Gabrielle, he is our friend. Once we’re in the city, he’ll find something to do. He won’t be with us all the time."
"Oh yeah, great. How fun is this?" said the bard.
Now there were three travelers on the road to Whatmeworry. Xena could not
find the words to tell Gabrielle why she had asked Joxer to join them. His foolishness was a welcome distraction from the deep disturbance in her mind. But to Gabrielle, he was in the way, an irritant preventing her from spending private time with her beloved. She could barely contain her displeasure when she saw Xena laughing at some stupid remark he made. Yet her love for the warrior was strong, and she knew better than to question her judgement.
When Apollo neared the end of his daily journey, the travellers made their camp. Joxer was curious when the women moved his bedroll out of sight of theirs.
"Hey, what gives? You have me miles away from the fire," he asked.
Xena’s answer was sharp: "I’ll make you your own, okay?"
"Sure, whatever you say..."
That night, Joxer and Xena stayed awake for long hours passing the bong.
Gabrielle went to recline on her bed of love early, hoping that Xena would follow.
Instead she waited, her annoyance growing as she heard Xena laugh at Joxer’s foolishness. But when she did come, the annoyance passed quickly. The warrior shed her clothing and advanced, shining, golden as a god. To see her was to feel wonder.
Gabrielle knelt and clasped her hands around her lover’s knees. As Xena stood - magnificent, godlike - Gabrielle worshipped her.
Later that night, Joxer awoke with a start, shook off sleep, and listened intently. He felt something was wrong, danger was imminent. He heard groaning.
His sword at the ready, he crept to where Xena and Gabrielle lay. But when he got there he realized there was no trouble at all. It was only Xena pleasuring Gabrielle, her head between her legs. Seeing this, Joxer reached between his own legs and began to pleasure himself. Inwardly he exclaimed, "Oh man! What a show!"
Gabrielle’s head turned back and forth as she groaned louder and screamed, "Oh, the gods!" At that moment Joxer’s excitement got the better of him. He dropped to his knees and fell forward into the clearing. The lovers looked up at him in horror. Gabrielle leaped to her feet, grabbed her staff and flew at him. "You idiot! What is your problem? I’ll kill you!" She rained cruel blows upon his head.
"Ow! Ow! Ow!" he cried. "Listen, I can explain. I thought you were in trouble."
"Here’s trouble, you moron!" shouted the angry bard.
Xena laughed out loud, finding this scene pleasing and entertaining, then said,
"Gabrielle, stop beating him. That’s enough."
"Enough? I’m just getting started." But Xena took hold of her staff and stopped her.
"It’s not my fault, you know. You could have told me," whined Joxer.
Xena agreed, "He’s right. He didn’t know. No harm done. Go get some sleep,
Joxer." Gabrielle would have argued, but Xena took her into her arms and covered the bard’s mouth with hers. There was no further discussion of the matter.
Joxer went back to his blanket and spent an hour of gentle rest. But again he was awakened. He stood, but fearing what would happen if Xena and Gabrielle saw him again, he walked in the opposite direction, into the woods. He heard his name whispered and followed. A few steps away he turned and saw Callisto. Terrified, he tried to scream but no sound came out. Callisto took hold of his wrist and pulled him further into the forest. When he was well away from the camp, she stopped and released him.
The goddess spoke:
"If you try to run, I’ll kill you. I want you to tell me what the good Xena is up to. Why are you travelling with them and where are you all going? And tell me the truth. I know when you’re lying."
Fearfully, Joxer spoke: "We’re going to the Rites of Spring Bacchanal. That’s the truth, I swear."
Callisto became enraged:
"I know that! But what is the purpose? What is the mission?"
"There isn’t any mission. It’s just a party, that’s all," cried Joxer.
The goddess answered thus:
"Well, I don’t suppose they would tell you anyway. Hmm, I wonder, Joxer, do you like to play with yourself?"
He, hot with embarrassment answered, "Well, uh, I guess..."
"Then I’m sure you won’t mind giving me a little demonstration." Now Joxer quaked with fear. He pulled out his penis and rubbed it, trying to make it stiff, but he was too afraid. Callisto laughed at his discomfiture. "You didn’t have any trouble an hour ago.
I’m going to help you." She reached out her hand and took hold of it. Overcome with fear, he swooned. When he awoke moments later, his hands were bound together in front of him, his clothing gone. Callisto sat upon her shapely throne covered in fine fabric. Protruding from her lap was a leathern godimiche. Although fearful, Joxer found the sight strangely compelling.
Callisto spoke these words:
"I know the reason you’re a failure as a warrior. I know why you can’t fight or use weapons. It’s because as a boy you never had a mature man to take you under his wing and train you. And you wanted that, didn’t you? You just couldn’t find anyone."
Joxer knew her words were true. He had bitterly mourned not having a lover when he was young. The goddess continued, "I’m going to give you what you so badly need.
Come here." Joxer approached. "Now turn around," she ordered. He obeyed. She dipped her hands in a bowl of fragrant oil and rubbed them over her dildo. She returned her hands to the bowl then brought them forth to spread oil on Joxer’s ass.
He trembled, not knowing whether it was fear or anticipation which made him do so.
"Now sit," she commanded. As he sat, she penetrated him to the hilt. He gasped in surprise, then felt his penis stiffen. Callisto laughed loud and hard.
The next thing he knew, he awoke back at the camp. His face was hot with shame. Yet there was some truth revealed in the dream. Thinking about the people he saw at the gates of Whatmeworry, he decided this was something worth exploring when he got to the city. He remained awake, his own self thrashed this way and that, pondering the meaning.
When rosy fingered Dawn rolled out of the sack, the three travellers were filled with excitement and anticipation. They would reach the city gates by mid-afternoon.
Xena mounted her horse and asked Gabrielle to join her. The bard refused, preferring to walk. This gave her a chance to share some private words with Joxer. She started, "Joxer, do you know what goes on in Whatmeworry?"
"Sure I do. Partying!" he answered.
She continued: "No, I mean, what kind of partying?"
"Sure, all kinds!"
Her words were to the point: "Well, then you know the city is filled with Bacchae.."
"Filled with what?"
She reiterated with these winged words: "The Bacchae rule the city. Queen
Wendy is their leader. They attack men, any men they see - especially men who they catch spying on them - and they tear them apart, into little pieces. Then they burn the pieces as offerings to Bacchus."
Joxer countered, "I don’t believe you. If that was true there would be no men in the city."
The bard continued spinning her tale: "Do you know any man who has come out of there? This is the reason they say any man who goes there never comes home.
They can’t come home, they’re dead!"
"Well, I know there are men there who aren’t dead."
"The only men they allow to live there are disguised in women’s clothing. It’s the only way they’re tolerated," said the bard, in hope she might scare him off.
Gabrielle didn’t know that the idea of men dressed in women’s clothing held great appeal for Joxer. He said, "Well, I wouldn’t mind a little kiki. Got anything I can wear?"
Still skeptical, he asked, "Assuming this is true, does Xena know about this?"
"Of course she knows. That’s why she invited you. She’s going to sacrifice you to Bacchus." These were the words that passed between them.
Xena turned around. "What are you two talking about?"
"Nothing," answered Gabrielle.
Seeing Joxer’s expression she commanded, "Gabrielle, get on the horse with me." Her words were done.
When the trio drew close to the city they heard the sound of horses close behind them. At first they thought it was a group of fellow travelers but they were wrong. A band of eight men approached them, several on horseback and the rest on foot. They were dressed in branches and leaves, their faces painted green to blend into the forest.
They surrounded Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer, weapons drawn. The leader dismounted and addressed them: "Sodomites! Lesbians! Unnatural spawn of Satan! You’re going to miss the party this year." Xena eyed the men warily. These were ignorant men who knew not the consequenses if they dared offer her violence.
She answered, "I’ve never heard of Sodom, we aren’t from Lesbos, and I don’t know who Satan is. What do you want?"
The leader replied, "To rid the world of your kind!" Then to his band of followers he cried, "Get them!" The men advanced with swords, knives, and clubs in hand. Warrior, bard, and pretend hero moved to protect themselves from these men, who had attacked without provocation and seemingly for no purpose. Xena drew her sharp bronze blade, two-edged - and rushed on against the leader. She struck him a bitter blow that cut through the sinew of his neck. His body thudded down. The remaining attackers turned their attentions to her. In the midst of heated battle Gabrielle held them at bay with her staff, while Xena attempted to interrogate one.
He refused to speak, even when threatened with death. When she released him he took up arms and attacked again, knocking Gabrielle to the ground. Seeing this, Xena’s face darkened. For their effrontery they were all doomed. One by one they fell at the point of her sword. Naked fury she unleashed upon them. Their blood ran dark upon the ground, pooling together as they were reunited in death.
Gabrielle asked, "Xena, who were those men?"
Xena’s answer was quick, "I don’t know. They don’t look like any army I’ve ever seen. They didn’t have enough sense to give up when they were defeated. It’s as if they wanted to be killed."
Joxer opined, "Maybe they were demons."
They didn’t know that these were a fringe group of the Republican Party. The group were headed to the city to harass people on their way to the Bacchanal. They were fanatic, maniacal - evil men who sowed the seeds of their own destruction. The trio continued on, anxious to get inside the city walls and leave this incident behind.
Not long after, the trio arrived at the velvet ropes of Whatmeworry. The city loomed large, impressive - a welcome sight to the travellers’ eyes. Upon seeing them, the guards immediately opened the ropes - mistaking Xena for Meg. "Are these two with you?" they asked.
"He’s not," said Gabrielle.
But Xena countered, "We’re together." And the three gained entrance just like that.
Once inside, they looked about in wonder. Not even Athens can compare with the radiance of Whatmeworry decked out in her finery for the Rites of Spring. And the people - there were so many - from all corners of the known world they had come.
The streets rang with the sound of thronging tambourines. As they took in the sights and sounds of the city, a greeting was called to them from a high room above. "Hey Meg! Who are your friends?" They did not at first answer, then they heard again, "Meg - where did you get the leather dress?" It was then that Xena realized these words were addressed to her - she was mistaken for the tramp Meg, to whom she bore an uncanny resemblance. They hadn’t known that Meg was now living in Whatmeworry.
Xena’s answer was precise, "I’m not Meg, I only look like her. My name is..."
Her words were cut off by the queen’s reply, "This calls for a cocktail.
I want you three to come in here for an audience, on the double." Then she added, "Come to my house, you’ll love it." As the trio waited at the door, Queen Wendy stepped into her vomitorium and said, "I must purge myself of this alcohol to receive my guests - and new, fresh alcohol." She called to her guests, "Mrs. Gert Hammond, I mean, Queen Wendy will be with you momentarily."
The door was opened and they were led into a handsome hall, radiant with what is called black light and glowing tapestries woven with subtle threads of polyester.
Such wonders they had never before encountered. The divine queen entered wearing a diaphanous garment onto which were woven designs of mushrooms in various colors. It glowed brightly in the black light. She welcomed her guests by mixing bowls of wine and mushroom water. The trio were seated on shapely chairs covered in the finest fun fur. "You look so much like Meg. Do you know her?"
Xena’s reply was careful, "Yes, we’ve met."
Joxer, not knowing subtlety, said, "Meg and I are very close, if you get my meaning. Like this," he said with his fingers crossed.
"Really?" said the queen. "She’s my consort."
"Well maybe not like this," said Joxer. "More like this." That said, he moved his fingers slightly apart.
The queen’s answer was sharp: "What are you so nervous about, you knucklehead?" She addressed Xena. "So who are you?"
"My name is Xena..."
Queen Wendy answered, "Oh, I know who you are, you’re a mass murderer. Don’t murder anyone here, okay? It hurts the tourist trade."
Now Gabrielle spoke these words: "Your highness, Xena is not a murderer anymore. She is a hero now. In fact on our way here..."
The queen interrupted, "Yeah, hero schmero - blow it out your ass. Enough of this palaver. Come with me."
They followed the queen through the handsome hall and out onto a high balcony with a commanding view of the city. Arrayed on the balcony were the queen’s court and inner circle of friends. They relaxed and reclined upon comfortable chairs and luxurious pillows with drinks in hand. The blond Queen Wendy invited her guests to join her for happy hour, a daily ritual performed for the glorification of Bacchus. As she explained, happy hour needn’t only last an hour. When the queen and her court were feeling the spirits it could go well into the night.
Now libations to the undying gods were poured forth. Queen Wendy offered her guests some of her favorite libation - vodka - a delicious drink she had brought from the northern reaches of the known world. Taking her place at the middle of a lovely bar, the queen called for vodka and cranberry juice - at happy hour these are pleasing ornaments. Festive vodka cape cods were enjoyed by all. The fine ladies and gentlemen of the court were all sumptuously dressed in fabulous gowns.
Like the queen they were dripping in splendid plastic jewels. Bewigged and bejewelled thus, they capered nimbly upon the high platform to the delight of the thronging crowd below. The mood became even more uproarious when some of them began to drop jewels to the crowd. The queen delighted in the excitement. "How madcap!" she exclaimed. Of the people present there was only one the travellers recognized, Meg - who greeted them warmly, especially Joxer.
A subtly dressed woman - very large, with huge sandals - introduced herself to Gabrielle. "My name is Eroneus. Listen, as a woman who looks at women, what do you think? Don’t I look real?"
"Real what?" asked the bard.
"Don’t you think I could pass?" asked the deep-voiced woman.
"Pass what?" asked Gabrielle.
"Never mind," she said turning her attention to Joxer, "Who’s your handsome friend?"
The queen’s musicians now struck up a tune and, standing upon the bar, Queen Wendy launched into her signature number. She sang:
"It must be cocktail time, it must be cocktail time
No time to stop and think, let’s have another drink
And when you’re feeling fine, let’s have a glass of wine It must be cocktail time, it must be cocktail time.
Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy hour
Come on everybody, let’s have a whiskey sour.
It must be cocktail time, it must be cocktail time
I know it’s not too far to find an open bar
And when you’re feeling blue, well here’s a stein of brew It must be cocktail time, it must be cocktail time.
Festive, festive, festive, festive vodka seabreeze Hurry up godammit bartender, line up those kamikazes.
It must be cocktail time, it must be cocktail time
We’re going to have a ball with rubbing alcohol
And when there’s no more wine, let’s have some turpentine It must be cocktail time, it must be cocktail time." Those were her words. She said them. Really. The assembled guests erupted into applause and whoops of approval.
Now she addressed Xena, Gabrielle and Joxer.
"In just a few short hours we’ll be holding a bardic event in the city square." Looking at Joxer she said, " That means a show." She continued, "Until then I have rooms for you to rest up in, stocked with the most succulent provisions: the finest screwdrivers made with fresh squeezed orange juice, garden fresh asparagus, all-you-can-eat salad bar, and your choice of beer, wine, or sangria."
Now the queen and her inner circle were seized with mirth. An atmosphere of riotous hilarity prevailed. Soon Queen Wendy and Meg were rolling about together on the floor, knocking drinks here and there. Xena and Gabrielle decided to retire to their room. Joxer stayed on, charmed by the lovely Eroneus.
Later that evening, Xena and Gabrielle made their way to the stage at the city square. Gabrielle wanted to try her hand at entertaining the public. She took the stage with confidence, and launched into an exciting tale of adventure and heroism.
Though the story usually thrilled audiences, here the crowd was unimpressed. "Get the hook," yelled one man.
"This is Whatmeworry," yelled another, "This shit doesn’t go here."
"Back to New Jersey," said the first.
Gabrielle was angry, but she knew how to handle hecklers. She said to the
first man, "Hey - do I come to McDonald’s and fuck with you at your job?" The MC stepped onto the stage and got Gabrielle off. "What a tough crowd," said she.
"Listen honey," said the MC, "You got to have a gimmick. You can’t just get up here and tell a story. They’ve seen a thousand bards. You need some pizzazz - maybe a costume change." Xena comforted her bard with a hug and a festive vodka seabreeze.
Now Queen Wendy took the stage. To the accompaniment of music she performed a pantomime called the Dung Dance. First she looked behind her and clutched her buttocks - indicating there was something in her britches. Next she held her hand high - holding aloft the imaginary contents. Next she brought it to her nose for closer inspection. Then she pretended to fling it at the audience.
The crowd exploded into hysterical laughter.
The poor bard was astonished. "She pretends to throw dung at them and that’s what they like?" she said, "No wonder my act didn’t go over."
A friend of the queen’s approached Gabrielle. This was Lady Pearl, who although called Lady and having a woman’s name, was a man, and wore manly clothing - with one exception. Fastened about his waist was a corset, laced tighter than any Gabrielle had seen before. His waist was tiny, wasp-like. "Gabrielle," he started, "are you the one who trains Xena up in her corsets?"
"I don’t know what you mean," she answered.
"I mean, do you put her in her corsets?" he asked again.
"Well, sometimes I help her get dressed if that’s what you mean," she said.
He looked over to the bar where Xena was getting another drink. "Listen, she
can’t wear that thing like that. It’s so loose. You’ve got to lace her tighter, girl. Get her over here and I’ll show you."
When Xena came back from the bar, Lady Pearl and Gabrielle convinced her to let them tight-lace her. The effect was stunning if uncomfortable for Xena. Gabrielle, overcome with passion at the sight of Xena’s cinched waist, put her arm around her and said, "Let’s get out of here."
Xena said, "This thing is coming off in five minutes."
"No, you’re wrong. It’s coming off sooner," said Gabrielle.
They hurried back to the palace and stepped inside. "Let’s not go back to our
room," said Gabrielle. "No one’s here, let’s go on the balcony." Back to the radiant balcony they went. They undressed and, delighting in love, side by side they lay on fluffy pillows. Soon they heard the sound of voices and realized that Queen Wendy and Meg were on their way to the balcony. Not wanting to be found there, they hid behind the bar. The gracious queen and former tramp staggered in, fell on the floor, and began mingling on the pillows. "Oh, queenie," exclaimed Meg, "you got the body of an 18 year old!"
"Double it!" snorted the queen. At this, Gabrielle couldn’t help but giggle, and they were discovered behind the bar. "Since you’re back there, how ‘bout mixing us a pitcher of martinis?" said the queen. She invited warrior and bard to join them on the pillows for more merriment. Now they heard the voices of Joxer and Eroneus coming closer. The queen called out and invited them to join the party.
Gabrielle whispered to Xena, "This is getting retarded. Let’s get out of here."
Xena agreed. They excused themselves and they went out to walk the city streets.
In a side street they noticed a drag queen, old and ugly, who could barely walk in her pumps. Xena had an uneasy feeling about her. Although very old, she appeared to never have gotten up in drag before. The old queen looked about her suspiciously. She didn’t appear to belong there. Gabrielle thought she was admitted because the guards felt sorry for her. Seeing that she had attracted attention, the old queen drew close and introduced herself as Rudia. "Rudia, my dear, you’re just as pretty as your name," said Xena.
The old drag queen called Rudia was actually the tyrant of a Republican-held city - previously known as Fun City - but since he took control with his cronies it couldn’t rightly be called that anymore. After seizing power, he banned dancing and merriment. His troops went on a rampage. They invaded the brightest halls of the city, closed their doors permanently, and banned all forms of fun. Even the most traditional celebrations were curtailed by force. Fun City was fun no more and Rudia planned on helping Whatmeworry meet the same fate.
After their long walk through the city streets, Xena and Gabrielle were exhausted. They usually went to sleep soon after nightfall and woke at first light.
Things were different here in Whatmeworry. It was hard to keep up with the revellers. Bard and warrior were asleep as soon as they hit their bed.
In the early hours of the morning, Gabrielle awoke to use the facilities and went out to the back-house. Afterwards she stood outside for a few minutes to clear her head in the night air. The past few days had been fun but the dear bard wasn’t accustomed to drinking and partying. She felt a bit worn out, though it was not an unpleasant feeling. Things were going well with Xena. Their relationship was all she had hoped for. She reflected on these matters in the stillness.
Soon she became aware of a presence behind her. Before she could turn to look she heard these words: "Gabrielle, it’s me. Don’t turn around, I don’t want to frighten you." She felt a hand on her shoulder and heard these words: "I have something important to show you." The person behind her drew closer, almost touching her back.
Gabrielle asked, "Xena, is it you?"
The voice replied, "Yes. I’m in Callisto’s body."
But Gabrielle was wary. She said, "How can you be in Callisto’s body when she’s stuck in lava?" She tried to turn but a hand went to the back of her head, preventing her.
The voice replied with gentle words: "Gabrielle, this is a dream. You’ve been taking a lot of mushrooms and this is what happens. You’re about to have an important vision, something that will help your relationship with Xen-, I mean me. I’m going to show you my innermost feelings and desires."
Gabrielle’s reply was precise, "I thought I already knew them."
This reply came: "Oh, you don’t know the half of it. Now turn around and look at me." Gabrielle obeyed. She flinched when she saw Callisto’s form, but the gullible bard truly believed it was Xena she saw and a vision she was experiencing.
"It’s still hard for me to see her," she explained. The goddess said nothing, but in reply pulled Gabrielle to her and kissed her hard. Then she took the bard’s hand and led her down the alley to a doorway. The door opened to reveal a high-roofed room, radiant and lovely. A large couch covered in fine fabrics and fluffy pillows stood in the middle. Callisto pulled the bard to the couch, grasped her throat and threw her down upon it. She stood over the bard, staring down with hungry white eyes. Gabrielle was frightened but decided to submit completely - to give herself up to the experience and see what she would learn. The white-eyed goddess pulled off her clothes and dove on top of the bard. Callisto tore off Gabrielle’s clothes. In an instant, fierce hands and mouth were all over her. Like a woman possessed, she roughly handled her body without a hint of tenderness. She sucked her breasts, bit her neck - forcefully- leaving marks. It was not at all like the Xena she knew. But Gabrielle still believed she was with Xena - that Xena was showing her another side of herself. The frenzied lovemaking excited her and she felt herself become extremely wet. Soon Callisto pushed her legs apart and reached for her sex with brutal fingers. Without warning she pushed four fingers into Gabrielle’s cunt. The bard, though surprised, went along with it. She opened her legs wider and offered herself to her lover. Callisto wet her other hand in Gabrielle’s juices. Then she pushed one finger up the bard’s ass. Finding the opening relaxed, she quickly added two more. Gabrielle felt some pain but quickly forgot it when Callisto bent down to take her clit in her mouth. She sucked it hard and ran her tongue around it in fast circles. Gabrielle didn’t last long. With a loud cry she reached her orgasm and collapsed motionless on the couch.
Moments later the bard reached for the psychotic god. She wanted to hold her and whisper endearments to her. But Callisto is not Xena and she was in no mood to be cuddled. As soon as Gabrielle laid her head on Callisto’s breast, she was pushed away. "Get off me," snarled the goddess.
She asked, "Xena, I don’t understand what’s happening here. Is rough sex what you needed to show me? And why are you in Callisto’s body?"
Impatiently, the goddess spoke these words:
"Gabrielle, visions aren’t so simple. You have to work hard to discover the meaning.
I’m in Callisto’s body because it’s a dream, okay? That’s all you need to know right now." She reached under the couch and pulled out her dildo attached to a harness.
She showed it to Gabrielle. "You know what this is, right?"
Her answer was astute, "Sure I know. It’s just like your saddle-horn."
The goddess began:
"I want you to use this on me..."
Her words were interrupted: "Okay," and she reached for it.
The goddess pulled it away and continued:
"No, not now. First I’m going to show you how I want you to do it."
"I know what to do with it. Give it here," said Gabrielle, eager to get on with her spiritual experience.
But Callisto answered, "Not yet, I’m going to show you." That said, she strapped it on, took hold of the bard’s hips and entered her. Gabrielle looked bewildered so Callisto slowed down her pace and fucked her with easy strokes. She kissed her again, this time with tenderness. Gabrielle’s face relaxed. Callisto stroked and petted her. Gabrielle moaned with pleasure. After awhile Callisto withdrew and whispered, "Turn over." Gabrielle did and Callisto started to push the dildo into her ass. She groaned, partially in pain, but she reminded herself there was nothing she wouldn’t do for her Xena. Callisto laid on top of her back and slid her hands under Gabrielle to gently knead her breasts. Gabrielle sighed and once again relaxed. The unholy goddess said, "I’m doing this gently because I know you like it better this way, but when you do me, don’t be gentle, just go for it, alright?"
"Alright," she said, between gasps.
She continued, speaking low in the bard’s ear: "Now when you fuck me I want
you to grab my neck and say, ‘You will never be rid of me’, got it? I need to hear you say that."
Gabrielle, nearing orgasm, said, "That’s not very romantic. How ‘bout if I say, ‘I will love you eternally’ or something like that?"
The goddess interjected: "Fuck that shit! Just say it like I told you. You grab me, shove me on the bed, stick this up my ass and say, ‘You will never be rid of me’.
This is my deepest desire. You got that?" Gabrielle agreed and at that moment reached her climax. Immediately afterward she fell into deep slumber. "What a dummy," commented the goddess to herself.
Gabrielle awoke later, she couldn’t know how much later, in her own room beside Xena. She turned over and saw something astounding. On a table beside the bed there was the dildo and harness. "Hmm," she said to herself, "so it’s really true. I had a vision." She looked at Xena in sleep. Smiling, she put an arm around her and kissed her cheek. Then she stood to get the dildo and strap it on. She heard a rustling of blankets and turned around. There before her was a sign her vision was true. Xena had pushed away the blankets and turned onto her stomach. A shaft of moonlight from the window illuminated her butt. It was ethereal, gleaming, nearly blinding in its brilliance. Looking from the butt to the dildo in wonderment Gabrielle gasped, "It’s a sign!" The dildo was sleek, oiled, ready to go. Gabrielle decided she must go for it. She pushed Xena’s legs apart, settled between them and spread her ass cheeks wide. Then in one motion she plunged in and started pumping. Xena woke up immediately and shouted in confusion, "What is this?" Her eyes flew open.
Gabrielle grabbed hold of her neck and said, "You know what this is, Xena. You will never be rid of me!" That said she kept on fucking her, hard. Xena felt the dildo hot inside her ass. Gabrielle’s fingers gripped her tightly.
She blinked in disbelief. "What did you say?"
"You will never be rid of me," repeated the bard.
In a panic Xena exclaimed, "Don’t ever say that! Who are you?"
Gabrielle found this reaction unsettling. This was supposed to be her lover’s deepest desire. "Who do you think? It’s me, Gabrielle. Isn’t this what you wanted? Don’t you like this?"
"Gabrielle! Well ... you know you can do anything you want to me, but this is kind of sudden," said the stunned warrior.
Gabrielle held still but remained inside her lover. She said, "I’m doing just what you told me to do."
"When did I tell you to do this?" asked Xena.
"Tonight when I had a vision of you in Callisto’s body and we had sex.
Then you told me what to do and what to say."
Now the shocking truth came to Xena. Callisto was on the loose. She asked, "In Callisto’s body? What are you talking about?"
"Xena, I never thought I’d say this to you but you talk too much. Now are we doing this or what? ‘Cause I’m into it," said the eager bard.
Xena didn’t want to alarm Gabrielle so she went along with it. "Alright, but please take it easy. You’re hurting me."
In exasperation, Gabrielle said, "First it’s ‘go for it’, now it’s ‘take it easy’. First it’s ‘I need you to say You will never be rid of me’, then it’s ‘don’t ever say that’. I think we need to examine your passive-aggressive tendencies, in depth." Unseen, the goddess Callisto looked on Xena’s confusion with deep satisfaction and laughed.
Dawn crawled forth from her bed of incontinence - and, head bowed - prayed to the porcelain god, before feebly touching her rosy fingers to the sky.
At the crack of noon, the inhabitants of the city began to stir. Some had never seen their beds yet, some slept in the streets. Queen Wendy and Meg were enjoying a wake-up cocktail out on the royal balcony with several friends. Suddenly, the queen was seized with divine inspiration. She grabbed Joxer’s helmet, attached two heifer’s horns to it and placed it on her head. She stood at the front of the balcony and called down to her subjects, "Mooo! Mooo!" The people (those that were conscious) fell to their knees in fervent excitement, believing the queen was in a religious trance. Back on the balcony, out of sight, the queen’s friends’ laughter was deep, uncontrollable.
She turned and winked at them and said, "I got a million of ‘em. Watch this." She turned again to the gathering crowd. "I, Queen Wendy, now issue forth my royal proclamations for the day. Royal proclamation number one - all residents will arise from their bed-chambers and hear me. Royal proclamation number two - today is Backwards Day. All subjects will wear their clothing backwards and walk backwards all day." She turned to her friends and said, "I bet at least half do it."
For the bleary-eyed faithful who heard the Queen’s words it may well have been Backwards Day, but for the rest of the city it was the day of the Rites of Spring Bacchanal, the most festive event of the year. Preparations were made for the evening’s revelling. The store rooms were emptied of all their most sumptuous supplies: mushrooms, hemp buds, fine wine, vodka, and mixers. Ice was brought down from the mountains. All of the lovely houses of the city were bedecked in finery as befits such an occasion: styrofoam tchotchkes, beads of rare plastic, decorations from the most exclusive dumpsters. The city’s main street, 14th Street - where all the best shops are, and the route the procession would pass through - was wondrous to behold. No other street in any city could come close to its shining brilliance. The gracious thoroughfare was strewn with glitter and sequins - ornamentation hung from the shop fronts. Now the residents of the city set about preparing libations. In large cauldrons mushrooms were boiled. Vodka cocktails were mixed. Citizens and tourists alike dressed themselves in their most festive attire. All was in readiness.
But Xena and Gabrielle were still in their room. Having spent an unsettling night, they rested uneasily. The astute warrior knew that her dream of Callisto hadn’t been a dream at all. To make matters worse, the psychotic goddess had also had Gabrielle. Who knew what powers she possessed? She could be watching them at any time. And what of Velaska, another violent goddess - sworn enemy of Gabrielle? Was she also following them? She knew she must tell Gabrielle thetruth.
The next bitter hours were spent sharing with each other their tales of harsh treatment at Callisto’s hands. Xena told Gabrielle of her ordeal of servitude and violation - the degradation, the horror, how she hated it. She left out the part where she had an orgasm. Gabrielle told of her ordeal of rough sex and anal penetration - the pain, and how she hated it. She left out the part where she had two orgasms. Each pressed the other for more details and more vivid descriptions, so as to have a greater understanding of what kind of monster they were up against. Sharing these words with each other, both felt increasing wetness between their legs. Such was the strength of their bond. They knew that later, at the Bacchanal, Callisto would most likely make an appearance. Not knowing how to fight her, having no plan devised, they knew this matter rested on the gods’ knees.
Xena spoke these winged words: "Tonight at the party, we’d better keep our eyes open. We can’t drink or do any drugs."
Gabrielle was in agreement: "Right. We’ll just have one or two drinks to take the edge off our hangovers. That way we’ll be alert."
"Okay, you’re right," agreed the warrior, "We’ll just have a couple."
Gabrielle added, "Right. And a few mushrooms and bong hits to keep us clear-headed. But that’s all." Their words were done.
At sundown the immortal Queen Wendy began the Rites of Spring, invoking the gods Bacchus and Aphrodite, those she favored above all. Of the two, she was more favored by Bacchus. Aphrodite was ambivalent in her feelings but always found the queen’s antics amusing. In these annual celebrations, she outdid herself every year. Each year was grander and attended by more people than the year before. (This is the reason it attracted the attention of the evil Republican Party.
They were determined to stop the party this year, once and for all.) With the court and her friends the queen started to lead the procession down 14th Street. A joyous noise went up, as marchers and onlookers took up whistles, tambourines, and drums.
Joxer and the immaculate Eroneus cavorted with abandon. The queen and Meg revelled in earnest. All were unaware of the dangers lurking nearby. Xena and Gabrielle joined them, but at the same time, their sharp eyes scanned the crowd for signs of trouble.
Soon trouble came. On the roof of the city’s winery stood Callisto. She began to speak, in a loud voice - impossibly loud, her words rose above the din.
All stopped to look and to hear her:
"Hey you drunken pieces of dung - do you know who you have here with you? Xena Warrior Princess - a murderer. Her army is right outside the gates, right now. She pretends to party with you, but let me tell you what she’s up to. After you’re all too fucked up to defend yourselves, she’s going to let in her men. They’ll slaughter you like sheep, steal everything you own, and burn the city to the ground. That is, unless you kill her first." She had seen the gathering Republicans and sought to blame their presence on Xena.
Citizens and tourists looked about themselves mumbling. These were not the kind of people who ever engaged in violence. In fact, the city was a haven for sensitive types who couldn’t bear to be drafted into the army. Xena was stunned, no words came to her. Gabrielle turned to Queen Wendy and said, "She’s lying. Xena doesn’t have an army. This is a trick."
Wise Queen Wendy believed Gabrielle, because the very idea that anyone would want to burn the city was beyond the realm of comprehension. She called to Callisto with these winged words, "You’ve got five seconds to get off that roof, lady, before I call security. And if they have to come up there after you, you’re going to have a lot of explaining to do."
The white-eyed goddess addressed the crowd with these words:
"You people are pathetic! You’re just going to stand there and do nothing. That woman is a killer! Do something, instead of blindly following a queen who is clearly a drunk."
"I resemble that remark!" shouted the queen, shaking her fist.
Now another impossibly loud voice called forth:
"Callisto! You are number one on my list! Gabrielle - you’re next! How fortunate you both are here!" There before the winery appeared the diabolic goddess Velaska, former pretender to the Amazon throne. Using her godly powers she flew to the rooftop to face Callisto. In frenzy they began to hurl balls of flame at each other.
Equally matched, they succeeded only in setting the roof on fire. They fell through into the building and continued the battle there.
Queen Wendy was incensed at the effrontery. "Get the fuck out of my winery, you bitches!" she cried. She ran inside shouting, "Security!" The psychotic goddesses were now at war in a grape vat. "This is the limit," yelled the queen.
Bacchus and Aphrodite looked on this scene with consternation. Aphrodite spoke:
"Those are goddesses? Ugh, there goes the neighborhood. By the time they get through wrecking the joint, the Republicans can just mop up."
Mighty Bacchus answered:
"I will not stand for this! They’ve got to go. Queen Wendy will escort them to the gate." That said, he invested his favorite with the power to eject the goddesses.
Watching the chaos, the queen could bear no more interruption of her celebration. Action had to be taken to save the sacred winery. She marched straight up to the vat where the two goddesses were engaged in furious combat amid purple grapes. Seizing first Callisto then Velaska, each by an ear, she effortlessly hauled them out of the tank. "You’re 86’d," she shouted, "permanently!" She walked briskly to the front gate, pulling them along with her. The goddesses were powerless to struggle. They knew the queen had divine help from a god greater than them. The queen opened the gate, and threw them out, one by one, by the scruff of the neck and the seat of the skirt, giving each a kick in the butt as they went. "And don’t come back!" she commanded. The gates were closed. A cheer went up. The revelling began anew.
But soon trouble came to the city again, in a different form. Hidden among the revellers were undercover Republican fanatics, some of them the elite of their ranks.
Among them, there was the misbegotten drag queen Rudia. There was the talentless bard Kathie Lee, disguised as a wine server, the only woman to join their ranks as a crusader. Back in her home town she kept many slaves, who toiled in her clothing factories, producing shoddy and ill-fitting fashions. She meant to open a similar operation in Whatmeworry. There was the evil Cardinal, who, dressed in a long red skirt and pointed hat, was mistaken for a reveller, for no one had ever seen such religious garb before. This man was particularly dangerous, for he considered himself an expert in the area of sexual relations, although he had never had any. When the people left the vicinity of the gates and headed back to 14th Street, when they thought the danger had passed - this is when the Republicans took action. The guards went to join the others in celebration. Rudia, Kathie Lee, and the Cardinal took the opportunity to open the gates to their invading army.
Meanwhile on 14th Street, the queen prepared to kick off the festivities once again, starting at the point where she was so rudely interrupted. She raised a glass to her lips and was about to declare the start of the Bacchanal when again she was cut short by a loud voice. From the stage at the head of the street, Kathie Lee spoke, her voice amplified by a loud-talking thing.
"You people are disgusting! Look at you, parading around half naked! What about the children? I don’t mind if some of you are gay. I mean, God minds and you’re all going to hell, but that’s beside the point. When you people have to flaunt it in other people’s faces, well, that’s when we’ve got to put a stop to it. Our troops have you surrounded. Resistance is futile. This party is officially over!"
That said she stood beside Rudia and the Cardinal. Fierce looking men, armed to the teeth, surrounded the revellers with weapons drawn. All looked bleak.
Gabrielle shouted, "You won’t get away with this!"
Again Kathie Lee brought the loud-talking thing to her mouth. She could not
resist answering. "I suggest you put some clothes on, pervert. And the same goes for your leather-dyke friend. I enforce a strict dress code at my factory, and you’re all going be on the career track very soon."
Those were her words, but Xena’s remained unwinged. She kept silent. The Republicans seemed a mighty host, but their insults would soon loose the beast of Xena’s evil passions.
With the people surrounded by Republican soldiers and the city’s security guards outnumbered, things looked bad for Whatmeworry. The queen shook in rage. She didn’t know what to do. But soon, all felt the presence of undying gods. Though she had only had a few drinks, Xena was feeling the spirits. She looked skyward and called on Bacchus and Aphrodite, "Now I understand what I must do. Help me destroy these heretics who threaten your sacred city. Let me be your instrument of godly vengeance." The Republicans sneered in disbelief, as they were wicked and couldn’t see the gods.
Now the troops set about destroying the city. Some of them broke open wine and vodka barrels, spilling the contents into the ground. Some of them gathered the blue-green hemp buds and the dried mushrooms to destroy in fire. The people, in panic, wanted to run, but they were contained by the troops. "What can we do?" cried the queen.
Xena answered, "When you kill the head, you kill the body." She, one of the few people armed, pulled out her chakram and took aim at Kathie Lee. "Hey," she called, getting her attention, "You think you can put us to work in a sweatshop? Think again." With that she let it go. It severed her head. The body dropped on the stage.
The feet kicked for a while, but not for long. The chakram bounced off a wall and returned to the warrior’s hand. Now she drew her double-edged sword and Gabrielle raised her staff. They flew at the troops nearest the stage, knocking them into disarray. The people broke though their ranks and ran free. They stampeded down 14th Street in terror, the soldiers in fierce pursuit. But now Xena rallied the security guards and she herself went into hyper-kinetic action. Her heart was hot with fury.
Her spirit returned to an earlier time, when she was a far-famed mass murderer. She now called upon her killing skills to destroy the enemy - they who had perpetrated monstrous wrongs. Separating one soldier from the pack she ran her sword through the tender neck, blood gushed from his mouth. She stripped him of his bow and arrows and quickly let the whole quiver fly. Messengers of death, they all found Republican targets. Now she urged the security guards on. They cast their shafts with eager force. More Republicans bit the floor.
She spotted the evil Cardinal, who urged his men to redouble their efforts.
Taking a mouthful of vodka, Xena sprayed it forth and lit it with a torch. Flames shot across and caught the cardinal’s skirt. It went up like dry kindling as it had been made in Kathie Lee’s factory. He was consumed in seconds. "Take it easy with that vodka," warned the queen. Now the warrior turned her attention to Rudia. She swooped down upon him, and with cruel bronze she hacked off his ears, nose, and genitals, before finishing him off with a blow to the head. Blood gushed from his head in a thick stream. The pavement of the fair city streamed with blood, as the gods’ vengeance was done. As for the rest of the Republicans, their savage insolence was answered with horrific death.
While she also fought fiercely, Gabrielle never actually killed anyone, and she knew that she never would. But Xena was killing with abandon and looked to be enjoying herself. All who witnessed the scene were astonished at her skills in bringing dark death and destiny to the heretics. The bard wondered about her warrior’s zeal for killing. This aspect of her was frightening, yet it was this side that would win the day.
"She’s really cranking out the corpses! Woo hoo!" commented Queen Wendy, as she pulled out a flask and took a drink.
"I’m scared of that," said Meg, looking at the scene of carnage.
Gabrielle felt the need to explain. "Well," she said, "They are evil. They won’t surrender. And I have to admit, I do like her butch side."
"What, does that mean there’s another side?" asked Meg.
When the bodies of the fallen Republicans were counted up they were nine times nine twice again, an auspicious number. Queen and heroes agreed that an unblemished hecatomb be made to the gods who had shown themselves so plainly that day. And it was auspicious indeed that Queen Wendy happened to have the biggest barbecue pit in the known world. She ordered that great logs be brought forth and put to flame. Around the barbecue pit were set seats and logs as well as basins filled with lustral wine. And now Xena, seized with the spirit, again brought forth her sword - double-edged, gleaming bronze. Invoking the names of Bacchus and Aphrodite, she quickly cut the carcasses. The people raised a sacred shout as again the black blood flowed. Xena hacked out the thighs, and as is proper, wrapped those portions in a double layer of fat. These parts were seared on the burning logs; for roast thighs so delight the gods. To coat the chunks, she splashed dark wine. Then all the people took up sharp forks, five-tined. Forks in hand, they roasted the Republican invaders.
Looking on this scene, Aphrodite, the brightest goddess commented:
"Bacchus, I can’t tell you how thrilled I am by this display. I really can’t!"
Bacchus, filled with deep delight, answered:
"This is exactly what I wanted. I am most pleased."
Now the vital organs were roasted, and after they were tasted by the people, the rest was reserved for the gods.
Aphrodite turned to Bacchus and said:
"You can have mine."
Now a grand feast was held for the heroes, as the Rites of Spring finally got under way. For the first time ever, the city was a wreck before the party got started.
But no one minded. The Republicans were all dead without managing to kill a single reveller. The gods had protected them. Again and again the queen raised toasts. The people revelled more zealously than ever before. The celebration would last all night.
Both bard and warrior were exhausted after their ordeal and excused themselves early.
Back at the palace they bathed, for Xena was covered in gore. Afterward they retired to their room. Gabrielle smoothed down Xena’s flesh with ample olive oil. With firm strokes she massaged the warrior’s back, arms, butt, and legs. When she was finished, Xena thought she would ask her to turn over. Instead the bard brought her mouth to the cleft in Xena’s sleek butt. "Gabrielle, I’m a little sore there," she warned.
"I know," she said. "This will make it feel better." That said, she kissed the tender flesh there, then ran her tongue around the puckered opening. "You like that?" she asked.
"Yeah," groaned Xena. Gabrielle continued to kiss and lick there, producing moans of joy in her lover. Gently she inserted her tongue into the opening, at the same time slipping her hand between Xena’s legs to stroke her clit. The warrior soon came to her climax, the first of many the two would share that long night.
Hours late, Dawn cracked open her bloodshot eyes and ascended her throne. Xena and Gabrielle loaded their things upon Xena’s fine horse and prepared to leave the city. Callisto and Velaska were out there somewhere, and they knew they would someday have to deal with the crazed goddesses again. But on this day, everything was as it should be. They were ready to move on. Joxer stayed on in the city with his new love Eroneus. Xena and Gabrielle wished him happiness and bade goodbye to Queen Wendy, Meg, and all their new friends. As they passed through the gates of the city, Gabrielle called, "See you next year."
The queen answered, "Okay, but if you have something else to do, you don’t have to come. I mean it’s alright if you’re too busy."
"Too busy? No way. We’ll be here." That said, they proceeded down the coastal road.
"Remind me to change the date next year," said Queen Wendy to Meg. Then looking at her trashed city, she commented, "Ay chihuahua - what a mess! Well, we’ll deal with it tomorrow. Right now it’s cocktail time."
Ta - daa!
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