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Xena & Gabrielle Meet Seinfeld

by Melody aka Ripley

EXT XENA & GABRIELLE are walking, sans Argo who had the good sense to vacation elsewhere, in New York City. It is late afternoon and people are rushing and bustling to get home, i.e. it is afternoon rush hour in midtown Manhattan.

GAB: So, where are we and why are all these people rushing around?

XENA: I'm not sure but look, there's a tavern ahead (pointing to MONK'S RESTAURANT). Let's stop in there and see what the innkeeper knows.

INT MONK'S RESTAURANT. Jerry, George, and Elaine are sitting in their usual booth.

GEO: (holding a bottle of ketchup) I'm telling ya, they just don't make ketchup the way they used ta. I mean, look at this stuff (holds bottle upsidedown and the red stuff runs out all over his plate). See? See? (uses both hands palms up to point to his fries).

JERRY: Yeah, what happened to the good ole' days of "anticipation" when you really had to wait for ketchup. There's just no waiting. What we've got here is ketchup that can't wait.

<<canned laughter>>

ELAINE rolls her eyes. Seeing X & G, she nudges Jerry.

ELAINE: (snorts) Hey, get a load of those two (flips her hair over her shoulder).

GEO turns and smiles appreciatively.

JERRY: (sotto voce) Must be on their way to a party.

GEO: Girls, girls, come sit with me and my friends. We're a friendly sort of bunch. (GEO winks at JERRY).

XENA gives him "the look." GEO rubs his eye.

GEO: Uh, I've got an eye twitch, I haven't been getting much sleep lately, you know.

JERRY: (smiling slyly) Yeah, he's just a twitchy sort of guy. In fact, we call him "Twitchy." Snapple? (JERRY holds a strawberry-kiwi snapple out to everyone. No one takes a sip. He shrugs his shoulders)

<<canned laughter>>

XENA looks around for the source of the laughter, her long dark hair flowing and swishing.

GAB: I'm Gabrielle, this is my best friend Xena. We're sort of lost.

ELAINE: I'll say you are, honey. (stares at Xena's hair) Say, what do you use on your hair? (looks at JERRY) Does she or doesn't she?? (laughs at her own joke).

XENA: (menacing) Do I or don't I what??

ELAINE: (choking down her laughter, recovers) You know, do you or don't you dye?

GAB: (defensively) Hey, I've died before and so has she so that should answer your question. (sees George's plate of french fries smothered in ketchup). Those look good, may I? (reaches down and plucks a fry from his plate). Mmm, this is really good. (puts her hand on XENA'S arm) Xena, you really should try this (pops a fry into XENA'S mouth).

XENA still chewing her fry, meanwhile has been searching the booth for the source of the canned laughter.

GEO: (looking at GAB, then to XENA. nudges JERRY) You don't suppose those two are . . .

JERRY: (quickly) Not that there's anything wrong with that.

GEO: (sucking air between his teeth) Noooo, not at awl. Doesn't matter one bit.

<<canned laughter>>

ELAINE: (still staring at XENA'S hair) You know, Miss Clairol #5 would work wonders on you. You really should lighten up your look. A nice gabardine blazer would accent your shoulders and . . .

XENA: (teeth clenched) I don't need lightening up. (lightens up and breaks into kiwi accent) After all, really I'm a natural blond. This is just for effect, luv, so you can see my beautiful baby blues.

<<canned laughter>>

XENA: (frowning getting back into character) Who's laughing at us?

JERRY: (nonchalontly) I don't hear anything. George, do you hear anything? Elaine?

GEO and ELAINE shake their heads.

JERRY: Nope, we don't hear anything.

KRAMER comes whirling into MONK'S. He trips over his foot, falls, and recovers nicely.

KRAMER: Yow. Well, what have we here. Two Amazon beauties. (looks up and down XENA then GAB). G-Giddyap, yeah. (gives "thumbs up" sign).

GAB: Actually, I'm an Amazon princess. She's the warrior princess.

GEO: (sarcastically) Sure you are sweetheart, and I'm Conan the Barbarian!

XENA draws her sword and pushes GAB behind her.

XENA: (protectively) Gabrielle, get back--we've got a barbarian here.

KRAMER: (addressing XENA) You're a tall one aren't you? I LIKE that. Whaddya say we . . .

GAB: (from behind XENA) Hey, she's with me, o.k. We've got places to go, people to see, things to do.

JERRY gives GEO a look.

JERRY: (holding his hands up) Not that it matters.

GEO: No, not at awl.

<<canned laughter>>

XENA turns her head quickly (insert cartoon sound fx here--whoosh would work nicely). She narrows her eyes to slits, checks behind her to make sure GAB is still there.

XENA: You didn't hear that??

EVERYONE shrugs their shoulders

XENA: I don't like this.

Suddenly NEWMAN appears at MONK'S.

JERRY: (clenching teeth) Hello, Newman.

NEW: (clenching teeth) Hello, Jerry.

<<canned laughter>>

JERRY: (grouchily) Newman, whaddya want?

ELAINE: You know, I haven't had any lines in a while. What am I chopped liver?

NEW: Do I have to answer that?

GAB: Yeah, well, you think you have it rough, this is OUR parody, XENA'S and mine, and we still don't know where that laughter is coming from.

XENA: She's right you know.

JERRY starts to look at GEO

XENA: (menacing) Don't even think about it saying it again!

<<canned laughter>>

XENA scans MONK'S. She spots a gaffer behind the counter.

XENA: Aha!

XENA grabs the gaffer by the collar. He looks to JERRY helplessly.

SALMONEUS enters the scene.

SAL: People, people, what's going on here?

XENA: (emphasizing first syllable) Sal-moneus!

SAL: Ixnay on the AlmoneusSay, Xena. Here I'm known as Larry David, the co-executive producer of the hit show "Seinfeld." (aside to XENA) Y'know, I sold 'em the canned laughter. It seems to be in pretty high demand. I've made a bundle--'course I'm not really sure what the exchange rate for dollars to dinars is but still it beats selling SunX wrist sundials.

XENA pulls SAL aside, interrupting his long-winded soliloquy.

XENA: Salmoneus, we're getting out of this corny parody. Are you with us?

SAL: But what about the greater good? Don't we need to stay for these people? (indicates JERRY, ELAINE, GEO, KRAMER, hesitates on NEWMAN).

XENA: Geez, you tell a guy something once and he doesn't let it go. Naah, these people aren+t worth it. They're too whiny--let them stay and bore everyone else to death with their inane chatter.

SAL: (nodding) I agree with you there.

XENA pulls GAB, who was explaining to ELAINE that she didn't have a boob job, into the circle with SAL. After conferring briefly--

GAB: (closes her eyes and starts clicking her heels together) There's no place like ancient New Zeal--er, Greece, there's no place like ancient Greece . . .

XENA, GAB, and SAL disappear in a whirlwind.

JERRY: Well, we'd better get back into syndication so we can do this again sometime.

GEO: Ok, but let's go to the movies first. I hear "Beastmaster" is playing down the street.


No star egos were harmed during this parody but the gaffer did need to see the chiropracter the next day.

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