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Play Ball, Xena!

by Ms Mil Toro

Spring is coming which can only mean one thing - Baseball Season is upon us. So.....our favourite Warrior Princess decided to form a team (Xena's Amazons) and play a pick up baseball game with the neighbouring barbaric scum (The War Street Warriors).

Xena's Amazons have first ups. The team and batting order is - Iolaus, Gabrielle, Hercules, Xena, Callisto, Velasca, Salmoneus, Ephiny, and Joxer

HERCULES: Hey Xena, how come the team is named after you?

IOLAUS: Yeah, Amazons are all *girls* aren't they?

XENA: Because I'm the *star* of this team and besides, you guys are only honourary Amazons. Iolaus, you're up first.

HERCULES: Since when are you the team star? I'm the one that plays baseball!

XENA: So? My ratings are better than yours, so I get to name the team. Ha! Ha!

HERCULES: But I make more money!

XENA: For now.

SALMONEUS: Yeah, because Xena can make a lot more money from the jackets alone. Think of all the softball players who'll want one. Caps, jackets, T-shirts, personalized VISA cards...........

XENA: Yeah!

HERCULES: (grumbling) Batter up!

Iolaus lays down a bunt and the pitcher scrambles to pick up the ball near the first base line. Iolaus surprises the slow footed pitcher and kicks him in the head as he races towards first base. The pitcher is knocked out cold.

WSW PLAYERS IN UNISON: We need a new pitcher!!!

Gabrielle is up next. She brings her staff instead of using the team stick.

WSW SHORTSTOP: Who's the scrawny little redhead. Run along, little girl and go play with your dollies!

XENA: Hey!!! She's with me! You got that?!

Xena whips out her chakram and sends it flying around the nearby trees where it ricochets back to the infield and knocks the shortstop out cold. Xena strolls up to Gabrielle in the batters box and tightly wraps her arms around the bard and slowly kisses her mouth.

XENA: (whispering in Gabrielle's ear) You can play ball with me anytime, Babe. (Gabrielle giggles).

WSW PITCHER: Can she hit with that thing? CALLISTO: Can we get on with it? There will be enough time for that later in the team hot tub after the game.

Xena releases Gabrielle and glares at Callisto. Play resumes without the shortstop.

Gabrielle hits a line drive right between the pitcher's eyes and knocks him out cold. Iolaus races all the way around the bases and scores. Gabrielle makes it to 2nd base.

WSW PLAYERS: We need a new pitcher!!!

Enter new pitcher.

HERCULES: Hey Xena! Watch this!

Hercules hits the ball way beyond the players and into the distant meadow. He trots around the bases backwards flexing his biceps all the way.

XENA: Showoff! (mumbling) My ratings are still higher.

Xena steps to the plate. The WSW pitcher throws a ball directly at her head. She catches the blazing fastball in her bare hand and catapults her body up and over to the pitcher's mound landing two feet on his chest. Her fist thumps a punishing blow to his head and he's knocked out cold.

WSW PLAYERS: New pitcher!!!

The new pitcher throws Xena a blazing fastball and grimaces as the ball *clears* the distant meadow. Xena struts around the bases. As she arrives at home plate, Callisto pats her on the butt.

CALLISTO: Nice hit, Xena. I've missed you, Warrior Princess.

XENA: See if I ever lead you to Ambrosia again.

Callisto's up next. A fastball whizzes by her and clearly passes through the heart of the plate.

VELASCA: (from the bench) STRRIIIIIKKKKEE!!!!

Callisto draws a knife out of her ankle strap and whips the blade at the pitcher. He's out of the game.

WSW PLAYERS: (groaning) New pitcher.

The new pitcher nervously throws a waist high s-l-o-w pitch and Callisto smacks the ball to the outfield and glides into 2nd base.

Velasca steps to the plate. From 2nd base Callisto is making funny faces at her and waving her arms trying to distract the wayward Amazon from getting a hit.

VELASCA: Oh, she's *definitely* got to go!

She zaps a bolt of lightning towards 2nd base. At the last second, Callisto dodges behind the pitcher who takes the brunt of the angry bolt. He collapses in a heap.

CALLISTO: Oops, new pitcher!!!

WSW CATCHER: Hey! Time out, time out. We only have 3 players left, we can't play with just 3 players, you guys have 9.

XENA: Allright, you can have Joxer. He only made our team 'cause his brother *owns* it.

JOXER: Oh no, I'm not playing on their team. They're warrior losers!

XENA: (grabbing Joxer's nose) Oh, and you're not? You'll play on their team or I'm telling Rob you didn't wanna "be nice".

JOXER: (ow!) OK, OK, but I'm not pitching.

Against the new pitcher, Velasca smashes a ball to Joxer in the outfield. He stumbles and falls down several times before finally hurling the ball back to the infield. Both players score without working up a sweat.

Salmoneus is next. His cap is on backwards, his tongue is curled around the side of his lip, his eyes gleam as they concentrate on the ball. He takes a big roundhouse swing and the stick flys out of his hand. The ball dribbles toward the pitcher and as the pitcher bends down to scoop up the ball, the stick whooshes past his head and crashes into his temple. He's out cold.

XENA'S AMAZONS IN UNISON: Joxer has to pitch!!! Joxer has to pitch!!! NAH NAH NAH NAH!!!

EPHINY: Gabrielle, let me use your staff.

Ephiny crunches a ball directly at Joxer's head, whacking him square on the bridge of his nose. He's knocked out cold and collapses in a heap. Ephiny walks to the mound and puts a foot on his chest.

EPHINY: *That's* for kissing Gabrielle behind Xena's back!!! Then she leisurely takes a triumphant trot around the bases.

JOXER'S E.R.A. - Infinity

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