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by Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com
Xena and Gabrielle board the Sea Warrior Princess and are welcomed by Julie, Doc and Captain Stubbing
Salmoneus, Kathie Lee Gifford and a chorus of Honduran children dance by singing "If They Could See Me Now"
Gab: This is going to be a blast!
Xena: (Grumpy) I suppose
Gab: Will you lighten up? - We're here to have a good time
Xena: A cruise around the Greek islands - Oooh, how original
Gab: Hey, we work for MCA, not Warner Brothers, we're lucky we've got this...
*****
Xena and Gab walk into the showroom, Charo is on stage
Charo: Lades and yentlemeen, I want to sing some songs for jou in honor ov my mentor, Andres Segovia
Gab: Xena, didn't you kill him in Plataea?
Xena: (Stunned) By the gods, it's not possible
Gab: (Following Xena's stare) No way! - Xena...HER BOOBS ARE BIGGER THAN YOURS
Xena: And we can't have that now can we
Xena gets ready to throw her chackrum
Gab: Xena wait! - At least let her finish the song
Charo: Coochie Coochie Coochie!
*****
Gabrielle goes over to Gopher who is sulking on the stairs to the upper deck
Gab: What's wrong Gopher?
Gopher: I don't know, I try being the best ship's purser and yet, I always screw up
Gab: I think you're doing a good job of...uh...what exactly does a purser do again?
Gopher: See? I don't even know myself and I come from a long line of pursers, my grandfather, my mother, my son, my dog, my...
Gab: I get the point - Hey, there must be something else you're good at, do you have any other interests?
Gopher: I like politics
Gab: Well, there you go - Why don't you become a congressman or something?
Gopher: Think so?
Gab: Sure, why not?
Gopher: Thanks Gabrielle (Tries to kiss her)
Gab: (Smacking him) You've got that part down already
*****
Steve Allen and Jayne Meadows are playing shuffleboard with Julie
Julie> Xena! - Could you please join us?
Steve: We need another player
Jayne: Darling, with her, we've got 10
Xena: What is the object of this game?
Jayne: Nobody knows dear, it's just part of being on a cruise
Julie> Just move that thingee with this pole and try to shuffle it across the board
Xena: Alright
Xena shoves it across the deck and off into the ocean taking out several passengers along the way
Steve: She's on my team!
*****
Gabrielle goes over to the bar
Isaac: Hey, I'm Isaac, what can I do for you little lady?
Gab: My name is Gabrielle, only Xena is allowed to call me "Little Lady" - What do you have to drink?
Isaac: Well, how about a tequila sunrise or better yet, try my new kiwi magarita!
Gab: GODS! Enough with the friggin' kiwis - What I want is a nice cold bottle of 'Lone Star' - Can you do that for me Isaac?
Isaac: (Pointing) You've got it!
Gabrielle mistakes the finger pointing for Xena's acupressure trick and flips Isaac across the bar and into the pool
Gab: I am so sorry, look it's been a tough day - Xena this, Xena that, do you know what it's like to be a token?
*****
Doc is shooting skeet off the port bow, Xena comes over
Xena: What are you doing?
Doc: Shooting at clay pigeons
Xena: I think Gabrielle cooked those for dinner once
Doc: Would my lovely princess like a demonstration?
Xena: Sure
Doc: Pull!
Xena: Hey, you haven't even bought me drinks yet
Doc hits one of the targets but another gets away - Xena nails it with her chackrum
Doc: I think you're getting the hang of it
*****
Gabrielle and Vicky are in a cabin wasted on henbane
Vicky I'm totally tired of being the captain's girl
Gab: I know what you mean...how many times a night for you?
Vicky Hey, he's my Dad
Gab: That's gross!
Vicky I mean it's great because everyone kisses your ass, but then again, they don't see you for you - only Captain Stubbing's daughter...
Gab: (Dazed) Where's Captain Stubbing's daughter?
Vicky (Looks around) I don't know
Gab: You know what REALLY drives me crazy?
Vicky Xena's yell?
Gab: Besides that
Vicky Xena's horse?
Gab: Besides that
Vicky Xena's outfit?
Gab: Besides that
Vicky Xena?
Gab: THAT! - And I am sooooo SICK of her bragging about her skills!
Vicky She has skills?
Gab: Many - (Slobbering) Forget about anyone ELSE in the world having them because they ALL belong to XENA THE HIGHLY SKILLED WARRIOR PRINCESS OF SKILLY SKILLS...for once, just once, I'd like to hear her say 'I have copious skills, numerous skills or skills-o-plenty' but if I have to hear 'I have MANY skills' ONE MORE TIME I'LL...
Xena: (Walking in) You'll what?
Gab: I...I...(Whimpering) I love you Xena
Vicky frantically tries to flush the henbane
Vicky It won't go down!
Gab: (Winking at Xena) At least you can't say that about me
Xena: Vicky, you realize I'll have to tell your father about this
Gab: Isaac will not be pleased
*****
Xena and Gabrielle sit at the captain's table with the crew and the guests - Steve Allen & Jayne Meadows, Charo, Ted McGinley, Morgan Fairchild, Sherman Hemsley and Cindy Williams
Cap: Good friends, I want to thank you all for taking this voyage with us, as you make your way toward each individual destiny, I fondly look back on a time when...
Vicky (Rolling her eyes) Why did the henbane have to wear off now?
Gopher: (Looking at the salad bowl in front of Gabrielle) What beautiful tomatoes!
Xena: (Reaching under the table) I've just shut off the bloodflow to your cucumber, if you want it back, I suggest you ogle the croutons
Cap: ...and so, without further ado, let's eat!
Captain Stubbing tries in vain to carve the turkey
Cap: (Embarrassed) I guess my knife is a little dull
Vicky Are you sure it's just your knife?
Xena: Let me help (Whips out her sword and starts flinging the meat) Who wants a drumstick?
Xena's brother Taurus comes out from behind the stage curtain
Taurus: I'll take one
Xena: What are you doing here Taurus?
Taurus: They hired me for the entertainment...Charo, would you please accompany me?
Charo gets on stage and the two break out into a medley of "Journey" songs
Gab: PERFECT, now her dork brother is here - What else could go wrong?
Cap: I guess now is good time to tell you folks that, because of a volcanic eruption, we need to make an unscheduled stop...at Fantasy Island!
Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com
