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Xena Limericks

by Tim Wellman

There once was a goldminer near Perth,

Who endeavored to increase her net-worth;

She plucked her eyebrows,

To run with the highbrows,

Then proceeded to conquer the earth.

There once was a girl good with swords,

Each swing bringing new awards;

Though she flirted with women,

She shared Hercules' linen,

Producing her own show as reward.

If Callisto and Xena should meet

In a bar on some dusty street,

Would they talk of old times

Over a bottle of wine,

Or just cut up each other like meat.

I must say I'm partial to blondes,

Though Xena does possess certain charms;

Between Callisto and her,

I'd choose the third,

'Cause Gabrielle would do me less harm.

There once was an actress named Heidi,

Who thought her name kind of flighty;

She changed it to Hudson,

Her career became fun then,

And she could appear without wearing a nightie.

There once was a girl named Callisto,

Who was a certified warrior psycho;

She said love was a trick,

But the girl with a stick

Would love to smash in her pie-hole.

Some say Xena is too butch and hunky,

And it's true she does walk kinda funny;

But it has nothing to do with

Sexual preference, I'm sure it's

Because she wears leather undies.

When the Fates granted Xena her wish,

She certainly became quiet a dish;

Cute as a bug,

As she pulled out the rug,

But Matthias couldn't give her a kiss.

In Callisto's body, did Xena observe

The shape of her new and beautiful curves?

If it had been me,

With such wonders to see,

I would think it a blessing, not a curse.

There once was a leather-clad princess,

Imbued with a quantity of defenses;

She loved Gabrielle,

Though no one could tell

If it was Platonic, or more intensive.


written by Tim Wellman


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