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DISCLAIMERS: "Xena", "Gabrielle", "Joxer" and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series "Xena: Warrior Princess", together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. Copyright to this piece itself is held by James Fadden. The piece is based on an idea by Gary Thomas.

Gary Thomas wrote:

I wonder if it would too much of an imposition on Ritanserin's celebrated research team to add a "null-J" setting to the X-chip. This setting would work in parallel with the L or S switches, and would have the effect of rendering Joxer invisible, and, more to the point, silent.


by: James Fadden

Developing the chip:

As soon as I got Gary's post I turned this project over to our top development team, located at our research center in the back room of the Kit-Kat Klub. It was not an easy job. The hardest part was that, to develop the chip, our staff had to watch numerous hours of Joxer scenes. As one staffer exclaimed "Oh the horror, the horror!" Several of them cracked under the strain and had to be revived by prolonged mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. In fact, a few of them are still going at it in the back room.

Several technical barriers had to be overcome. The new Penthesilia Chip (thanks Penth!), gives us processor speeds of 200mhz, allowing the rapid filtering of Joxer material. This is much more efficient than the old Centaur Chips, which were not only slow but smelly.

The toughest part was what to do with the excess Joxer footage. We tried to give it away, but no one would take it. We tried putting it in a landfill, but the EPA (that's the Environmental Protection Agency) stopped us; they were afraid it would be toxic to wildlife. Finally we had a breakthrough. We decided to recycle the Joxer footage into several Major Motion Pictures, which we are releasing in conjunction with Salmoneus Studios. Watch--or watch out--for the following pictures coming to a theater near you:

Joxer: Pet Detective

Je Suis Joxer (This French release has already been nominated for the Palm d'Or at Cannes. The French just can't get enough of Joxer.)

Joxer and Dean, Together Again. A buddy picture in which Joxer and Dean Martin are teamed up through the miracle of virtual reality. Die Hard, Joxer, or Just Die. My own favorite.


More Joxer motion pictures are scheduled for release in the near future. We estimate that several hundred films are possible due to the time dilation factor: each film is only 5 minutes long, but with Joxer it seems like 3 hours.

But the bottom line is we have a prototype chip ready for testing. As Gary suggested the idea, we are putting one on the first flight to New Zealand. I am sure you will like it. Our testers report a much more pleasureable Xena experience.

Of course since this is a prototype, you may experience a few bugs. A Joxer-heavy episode such as WPT may result in a Joxer Protection Fault. That is the O/S's way of protecting itself from Joxer overload. Just push the Abort Joxer-Retry button (don't you wish his mother had thought of that?).

We hope all anti-Joxerites will love this chip. (We are expecting a bulk order from Hell's Gulch, Virignia, in particular.) And those of you who like Joxer can continue to watch without the chip, or even see the movies--so Mooncat and Jenny can stop picketing our corporate headquarters, ok?

With the addition of the null-J option, the X-Chip now has 4 possible combinations of settings:

L-Mode, with Null-J option: For those viewers who like the lesbian subtext of X:WP, and who prefer to filter out all Joxer appearances. S-mode, with Null-J option: For those who think Xena and Gab are "just friends," and who also hate Joxer.
L-mode, with Plus-J option: For those who like the lesbian subtext and who also like Joxer (known at CSPI as the gender confusion option.)

S-mode, with Plus-J option: For those who think Xena should marry Joxer, move in next to Perdicus and Gabrielle and raise ten little warlords.

So order your new X-chip with the null-J setting, for those for whom any Joxer is too much Joxer.

And coming soon:

The Xenasizer: Adjusts Xena's figure to conform to your personal fantasies and aesthetic preferences. Whether you prefer Kate Moss or Delta Burke or in between, there is a Xena for you.

Bringing you the latest in Xena technology:

The Center for Science in the Prurient Interest A Division of Leatherdyke Industries, Inc.

"At CSPI, our customers come first." ;-)

James Fadden aka Ritanserin, Corporate President and L-mode (null-J) user

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