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by Heather
Heatherly@aol.com
RP: You know we had Hercules on the other day and now we have one of his, um, well, I tell ya... KL: Maybe the female counterpart? RP: Yes, she started out with Hercules and now got her own show of course. She plays the fierce and fealess mythic heroine Xena, the Warrior Princess. We are delighted to have her on our show for the first time. Here's Lucy Lawless. (god awful polka music begins playing) LL: Hello, I'm a big fan of your show. (Better kiss the stupid yanks asses, especially the bimbo. There, I look good.) RP: Hi Lucy, how are you doing? (Wish she was in her armor.) KL: You don't look so fearless. You look quite lovely actually. (I am better looking than her! I know I am, I think.) LL: People, people always expect me to huh, be intimidating or huh, 6 ' 7" or something. (I am intimidating Kathy Lee so back off!) KL: Well, you're not wearing your armor. It's a little different. (Slut, has to show her legs off and, and I think I'm getting turned on.) LL: No, I am not. (Probably want to see me in it huh Kathy?) KL: In fact you're not wearing much at all. (She is beautiful, I want to...) LL: Skin sells baby. Skin sells. (Kathy, have you seen my work in Peach?) KL: That's what they say. (Hope Frank doesn't find my copy of Peach.) RP: I like this outfit better than Xena. (But I like her in jeans with a baseball hat best.) LL: There you go. (They all want me.) KL: And look at these interesting shoes Xena, where did you get those? (Like you aren't tall enough! By the way can I kiss your feet?) LL: (Raises leg, putting her foot in front of KL's face) RP: You do have a pair of legs don't you? (audience clamors) Xena, the Warrior Princess! (Can you wrap them around my face?) LL: That's me. (I am so great!) KL: Now didn't you just have like a convention recently in LA or something that... (Wish I could've gone.) LL: Yes, we did. And I was just huh, flabbergasted by the response. It was amazing. (I don't think that word was to hard for them, gotta think of something harder.) RP: A little like Xena trekkies running around? (Wonder how many other freaks like myself are out there?) LL: It's kinda, it was a little like this except everybody was wearing funny costumes. But, huh, that kind of rock star feeling. It was really... (God, I think everyone from LA followed me here.) KL: How many people showed up? (How many other freaks like myself are out there?) LL: It was um limited to about 2 and ½ thousand and um (How do I say this nicely?..) RP: Limited? (That's why I couldn't get in.) LL: But, but we made sure everybody got an autograph so that was, huh, we were there quite late. (...anymore crazies with no life and my hand would've fallen off.) RP: This has really exploded hasn't it? (God she is gorgeous.) LL: It has. (I am Xena: Warrior Princess!) RP: Now, did you start out with Kevin on Hercules or were you added and then spun off or... (Are you doing Kevin?) LL: No, in fact I started out on the very first telly movie that um, that they did for Hercules with Kevin Sorbo and Roma Downey whose now on...Touched by an Angel. (Don't these idiots do any research?) RP: Roma was here. (Have to get copies of those episodes.) KL: She was on here. (Have to get copies of those episodes.) ALL: She's lovely. (Roma is doable.) KL: She said she did the whole thing on this box because she was supposed to be this fearless woman and and she's 5'4". (Yeah, I can dominate her.) LL: But she had me to enforce for her. (I love being the dominant woman.) KL&RP: Huhh. (Wonder if they did it.) KL: How tall are you? (Maybe I'd let her dominate me.) LL: I'm huh just shy of 6 foot but I've been told I'm, I'm not allowed to tell people my real height anymore. (Taller than you Kathy.) KL&RP: Oohhh. LL: whispering 5'10", 5'10" and a half. RP: And you had an accident on the Tonight Show and how are you feeling after that? You fell off a horse. (Thank God she can still do the show.) LL: Yeah, I feel fantastic. I um, fractured my pelvis in four places and um, and it was kind of a, it was a nasty accident but it was quite stable so it healed really well. And, in some ways um, it was, huh, a blessing in disguise. (Now don't ask anymore about that cuz I won't tell.) RF: Um-uh. You know she's originally, originally from New Zealand and worked as a coal miner over there as a matter of fact. (What a woman!) KL: Gold miner. (Regis is so dumb. This should be the Kathy Lee show.) LL: Gold miner. Coal, gold. He thought, he thought I was down a dirty hole with a canary in a cage and... (Intelligence evades these people.) KL: How does one work as a gold miner? (Uhmm, wonder how many miners she did?) LL: Aahhh, RP: With a pan? LL: No you live miles out in the Outback and they um, they lay waste to the environment with gratatomic blasts and you go along shoveling up bits of dirt. It's not very glamorous. (There, that word ought to throw them for a loop.) RP: Did you ever find anything? LL: Oh, I suppose so. I suppose so but you never see nuggets lying around on the ground. It's more like... KL: like dust. RP: Very fine dust. Now are men intimidated by you I mean, on a social level? I mean if a guy went on a date, you, would he have to think in his head, my God, I'm dating the Warrior Princess? (Are you gay or bi?) LL: Funny enough, I don't get asked--to date. I mean, I'm not hit on very much. So I guess I do! (laughs) (Everyone knows I am dating Rob Tapert you moron!) KL: No, no, no stable relationship that you're in right now? (Is she a lesbian?) LL: Yes, I am in a stable relationship. (They want to know if I am gay.) KL: Well there you go then, that's why they don't hit on you. (Still doesn't tell me if she is a lesbian. ) RP: What does that mean "stable" relationship? (Is there something Freudian going on here?) LL: Well you know, KL: It lasted more than a month alright? RP: That's stable huh. Good, so he's not afraid of the Warrior Princess. (Wonder if she whips him.) LL: He's, he's not afraid. I always thought it's a very courageous or a very stupid man that takes me on. But huh, I found one! (Rob, still love me?) KL: Good for you. (She isn't a lesbian. Too bad.) RP: That's it. Hang on to him. Now Xena is also a singer. Have you done much singing professionally? (Are you going to do any records so we can hear you all the time?) LL: Um, no I haven't. I wanted to be an opera singer once then just realized that I didn't have the love for it that would take me to the top of my profession. (I got sidetracked into doing a little film and found I prefer sex.) RP: Well we'd love to have you sing on our show. (Do me, please!) LL: I would love to sing for you! (I am so wonderful. I can act, sing, and I look good! Wish you were me Kathy?)
