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Disclaimer: Yeah, I know I said I wouldn't do it again, but I lied.
Here's another fan fiction story. The use of copyrighted characters is not intended as
infringement. There are sex scenes in this story. If you're under 18 or offended by sex
scenes don't read it. This was inspired by/ripped off from The Praise of Folly and
Satyricon. It is retarded. Comments? firstname.lastname@example.org
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"However mortal folk may speak of her (for she is not ignorant how ill the name Folly sounds, even to the greatest fools), she is she - the only she - whose divine influence makes gods and men rejoice. The greatest proof of this is how at the mere mention of her name, have your countenances brightened with a fresh and unwonted cheerfulness; all of you have unbent your brows. Yea, you appear flushed with nectar, like the gods in Homer. Whereas a moment ago you were sitting moody and depressed, now, as the sun shows its golden face to the earth after a bitter winter, a new color and a sort of youthfulness appear; so at the mere mention of her, you straightaway take on another aspect." The old priestess often gabbled on like this though usually she had no audience but the trees. But now there were newcomers who may never have heard these words before.
She continued, basking in the attention: "And she is she - the only she - who drives the affairs of all the gods and of all mankind. Whether they know it or not she reigns supreme over all creation. Her power to sway worldly matters knows no equal. The gods of Olympus cannot match her, though mortals misdirect their piety to those gods. Their praise would be better given to Folly. Go foolish mortals and vainly seek out Zeus with his thunderbolts, or wise Pallas with her fearsome aegis! They bring misery to the many, happiness to the few who know how to appease them - but their behavior is unpredictable, subject to whim and fancy. Even Bacchus with his great gifts can only keep troubles away temporarily. How much greater then is Folly - who brings only joy, interminable joy, to a world weary with cares? Her gifts are freely given. There is nothing on earth at all pleasant except by her grace. All - immortal and mortal - serve her!" The old woman was on a roll. As high priestess of the Fortunate Isles her work consisted of "preaching to the converted" (as the saying goes). No one paid much attention to her words.
"The Fortunate Isles, this place where mortals made immortal dwell, this place where all things grow without plowing or planting, is where Folly was born and rules - now as ever. We immortal morons profit well from her enchantment. Free from carking cares we pass our time in feasts, routs, dances, and games. From atop her high pyramid - in the Lower East Side of the Fortunate Isles, overlooking Tompkins Square - Folly wields her divine power, attended by her charming nymphs. Drunkenness and Ignorance are those who nursed her. Later they were joined by Self-Love, Flattery, Forgetfulness, Laziness, Pleasure, Madness, Wantonness, and their brothers, Intemperance and Sleep. They aid her in the dispensation of her gifts. The symbol of her power is a broken down old she-ass - feeble, indeed - yet immortal. She brings unequivocal delight to all who look upon her. And upon her ass rests the secret of Folly's power: the dried, rattling dingleberries of Elysium. For as long as the dingleberries remain on the ass, Folly's gifts remain available to all who seek them. Yet, should the dingleberries be separated from the ass, the world would be plunged into an abyss of untold suffering. This is well known by us immortals of the Fortunate Isles, and this is the devout belief of the cult of Folly." The newcomers, two men and two women, listened with polite interest, never offering any information about themselves, and when they had heard enough they left without a word, leaving the old woman alone in her dotage.
Unaware she was alone she continued, "But there are those, who - although guided
by Folly- know it not, and care not of consequences. They would love nothing more than to
pluck the sacred dingleberries from the ass of Folly's ass."
* * *
Two adventurers travelled by boat in the sea surrounding the Fortunate Isles. Both were women - so by definition: fools - and it seemed that Folly attended their every move. One, famous for her murderous exploits, was known as Xena: Warrior Princess, and she sought to atone for her past injustices by now killing only bad people. Accompanying her was her constant companion, a bard and a Sophist - so by definition: a scholar of foolishness - known as Gabrielle. She sought relief from her hum-drum existence in escapades and in talking of them. They wandered aimlessly through the known world, blowing about like a couple of leaves on the wind. On this occasion they were up to their usual: headed for someplace to return a stolen something to somebody. It seemed an important labor at the time. But also on this occasion Poseidon was up to his usual: churning the seas with nauseating waves. Gabrielle hung onto the rail, woefully ill.
"Xena, I don't know why I let you talk me into going on this boat," she cried.
"Do you know any other way to get to an island? What else could we do?"
As they shared these words with each other, storm clouds blew over the horizon and at once they were battered with blinding rain. The crafty warrior eyed the swelling waves. Having been to sea before she knew they came in sets of seven. But every seventh wave is a rogue and none can guess its size or direction. The seventh wave came up from behind the boat, as high as the mast, swerved sideways, and came down solidly upon the two adventurers. It swept them off the deck and into the sea, far from the boat. They looked about them in panic, seeing nothing but tumbling gray water. Clinging to each other they struggled bravely to keep their heads up. All looked grim for the two women; they prepared to meet their doom. But just as wind heralds a coming turd so too did the rogue wave herald an opportunity given to few mortals: a chance to enjoy the pleasures of the Fortunate Isles.
Folly spied Xena and Gabrielle engaged in frantic struggle and ordered her nymph Laziness to bestow her gift upon them. Eventually, when she got around to it, she did and the two women stilled their movements. Forgetfulness then added her gift: they forgot what it was they were trying to do and where they were trying to go. Not remembering where they were bound and too lazy to care, they relaxed and let the current carry them to the shores of the Fortunate Isles.
Xena and Gabrielle washed up on the beach and were filled with gratitude for their good luck. "Oh, thank you Poseidon for sparing us your wrath!" cried Xena.
"Artemis! Praise to you for protecting this Amazon and her partner!" added Gabrielle.
Folly looked upon this scene and remarked to her nymphs, "See that? Those knuckleheads. Not a word of praise for me. As if they don't know I exist. That's gratitude for you." Seeking consolation, she stroked her ass.
So thankful for their lives were the two adventurers that they didn't at first notice the storm had ceased as suddenly as it had started - its gray skies replaced by blue, its tossing waters replaced by shimmering glass. They turned to look at the land which had seemed to float out to save them. It resembled the most beautiful parts of their country only it was so much more beautiful. The sands were softer and more sparkling. The trees were taller, more handsomely shaped, and more lushly leafed out than theirs at home. Below the trees stretched a carpet of luxurious green moss. All around were plants, bushes, and trees bearing good things to eat, and not one marred by insect or worm. Gabrielle looked around her and thought perhaps their lives hadn't been spared after all. She exclaimed, "Xena, it's the Elysian Fields! It must be!"
But Xena answered, "No you're wrong. If it were I wouldn't be here. We're alive."
Though happy to be alive, this kind of talk upset the young bard for she was a sensitive soul. Xena moved to comfort her. They laid down upon soft moss side by side, exchanging kisses without inhibition. They entered the closest embrace and fulfilled their desires with a happiness to be envied. Feeling herself loved Gabrielle was able to relax and enjoy herself in her beautiful new surroundings.
They were still at it when the priestess, a spry old woman dressed in purple robes, approached. "What are you two doing?" she asked, "I am the high priestess of this precinct and your play has interrupted my sacred rites." The immortal priestess stank of wine and leered openly at the two. She addressed her next comments to Xena. "There is only one way to rectify this situation." She knelt down beside them and placed her hand on Gabrielle's breast. "You must share your sister with me. It is written..."
Xena interrupted the woman's besotted babbling by pulling her hand away from Gabrielle. She warned, "I don't care who you are or how old you are. Get away from her or I'll..."
"You'll what?" laughed the old woman. "You must be new here, honey. What threat do you think you're going to make to an immortal? Let's forget this nonsense. This girl is lovely and I say she should be shared. Does the sun only shine on you? No it shines on us all, young and old. Would it be too tiresome for her to give me a little pleasure? It's not my fault I was already old when I was made immortal." She stretched out her hand to Gabrielle again saying, "I am your greatest admirer." Gabrielle recoiled from her.
"Just leave us alone!" snapped Xena.
The old woman started to cry. "You new people don't know common courtesy. You have no manners," she sniffed.
Gabrielle then said, "We don't mean to be rude. It's just that we washed up on the beach here, and we don't even know where we are."
The old woman's mood brightened in an instant. "Well then, I can tell you everything! You are on the Fortunate Isles."
"That's where people whom the gods have blessed with immortality live!" interrupted Gabrielle.
"That's right, honey," said the old woman. "My name is Leshko, high priestess of Folly, who is the supreme deity over all others."
"Not over Zeus," corrected Gabrielle.
"Yes over Zeus. She was born of Good Fortune and Youth, and I might add, outside of the bothersome halter of marriage. By her favor only is all pleasure won. Can life be called life at all if you take away pleasure?" At this point Leshko had quite forgotten herself. She stopped for a moment to drink from her wine bottle and to gather her thoughts before continuing. "Everyone laughs at my capers with good reason, for being the silliest in the world. Yet I am satisfied with myself. There's no fool like an old fool (as the saying goes). That's why I'm high priestess," she concluded.
Ignoring these words Xena asked, "So is there a seaport in town? Who do you conduct trade with?"
"What do we need with trade?" scoffed the priestess. "We have no contact with the outside world. Except once in a while some new people show up. We've had quite a few new people here recently." She looked Gabrielle up and down. "I like when new people come." Gabrielle cringed. "Don't get nervous, honey. I can wait. We have all the time in the world."
"But we're not immortal," blurted Gabrielle. Xena looked at her, exasperated.
"In that case, the older you get the better I'm going to look to you," said Leshko.
Xena countered, "We won't be here that long." She stood to put her clothes on. "Just point us in the direction of town. Come on Gabrielle, let's go." They hastened to take leave of the old priestess.
"I'd like to accompany you girls but I've got urgent business to attend to
here," called Leshko after them. She tilted her wine bottle and took a long drink.
* * *
After walking through the forest awhile they came upon a road. This road bore no similarity to the perfection of everything made by nature. For this road was made by humans - immortal humans who were blessed with many things - Laziness being one, so the road was only half paved; Ignorance for another, so what work was done could hardly be called skillful; Drunkenness for another, so the road reeled from side to side like a snake's trail in the dirt. A sign post gave the name of the road as Avenue A. The lettering looked like the scrawl of an idiot.
Xena and Gabrielle followed this road just a short distance (for the immortals, having better things to do, couldn't have built a long road) until they reached a town square. Around the square were ramshackle houses built with no planning or care at all and, piled one on top of the other, resembling nothing so much as a confusion of rats' nests. Yet each of these shacks were painted with bright colors and were extravagantly decorated - "like apes in scarlet" (as the saying goes).
At the far end of the mossy square stood the largest, most extravagantly decorated, and truly the most ramshackle building of all - Folly's pyramid. It was thoroughly distorted and mis-happen, with a confounding tangle of stair-steps going around it. Where the residents entered and exited was a mystery, so covered in gewgaws and well, junk, it was. Trash had been hoisted skyward to dangle precariously from the pyramid's heights and left there as ornamentation. It looked like a mountain of rubbish; nothing seemed to serve any practical purpose. Warrior and bard looked at each other in bewilderment. "That's where the highest god lives?" smirked Gabrielle, "Yeah, right!"
Then as suddenly as the blink of an eye it was she - the goddess Folly herself - who appeared before the pyramid, her nymphs at her side, her ass behind her. Her appearance was met with laughter and cheers.
"Oh look Xena," exclaimed Gabrielle, "a donkey. How cute!" At that the donkey stepped out from behind her mistress and everyone got a good look at her patchy fur, stupid expression, and profusion of dingleberries that rattled when she walked. All were delighted by the sight.
All except Xena who said, "It's not cute, it's disgusting! Look, it has turd-balls stuck to its backside. Why doesn't somebody wash it?"
Then Gabrielle called to Folly, "What's your donkey's name?"
The goddess answered, "She is named Pussy, because I've always heard cats are agreeable companions. But there are no cats on the Fortunate Isles, so I've made my ass my Pussy." This bon mot was answered with hoots and giggles, especially from many of the men who had also seen fit to make their asses their pussies.
Then warrior and bard took a look at the people of the Fortunate Isles. All around the square were people indulging in any whim that struck, right out in public, such as the gods drunk with nectar might so fitly do after a banquet - each to his own taste. Many deported themselves in a manner which would be considered shameful elsewhere. Yet shame, infamy, and the like are only hurtful as much as they are felt. These immortals felt nothing but personal satisfaction. So they continued, frantic and giddy, taking their pleasures in the open. Throughout this chaotic scene of silliness there was talk in the air of a free-for-all party in the offing that evening.
As the two walked and took in the eye-popping sights, Gabrielle started to feel powerfully horny. She wanted nothing more than to throw Xena down onto the ground and take her in full view of the immortals. Yes, she wanted nothing more than that, and maybe a drink. As if she could read her mind a woman approached with a cup of wine and gave it to Gabrielle, who accepted it gratefully. Xena turned to reprimand her. "Gabrielle, you don't even drink. Give me that."
"You can have it if you take off your clothes," she said.
Xena answered, "You're acting so silly and you haven't even had one yet. What's going to happen when you're drunk?"
The woman whose action had caused this little tiff came back over and asked, "You're new here. Are you with those Disney people?"
"No. Who are they?" asked Xena.
The woman said, "There is a party tonight given by a group of newcomers. They're called the Disney Corporation. They're mortals but they say their leader is an immortal, except he's not here with them. He's frozen in an ice cave."
"What?!" said both at once.
In a conspiratorial whisper she continued, "Yes. They say he died, then they froze him, and when they reach their promised land they will thaw him out so he can once again rule over them."
"And why are they giving this party?"
"They want to stay here, although they're mortals. They don't really belong here but no one cares. I suppose they can stay if they want to."
Taking leave of the woman, Xena said, "Gabrielle, we should go to this party. They must have a ship. Maybe they can take us out of here."
Gabrielle drained her cup in a single draft and said, "I'm in no hurry."
* * *
The party-goers were led to a big tent just off Tompkins Square where the Disney Corporation had set up their operation. This tent had been prefabricated and carried with them. It had none of the home-spun charm of the other buildings of the Fortunate Isles, but it was huge, big enough to hold all the immortals of the island; as it had to be, for all were invited. As Xena and Gabrielle approached the tent, the warrior became suspicious. "Gabrielle, I think these people are up to something," she said. "They come to this island, set up headquarters, and plan to stay here. Then they throw a party for everyone. I think they're trying to influence these foolish people. We need to find out what they want."
At the entrance of the tent were two people dressed head to toe in silly mouse costumes with large heads, one wearing female attire and one wearing male attire. They spoke in keening voices as they welcomed the guests in. "What's that about?" asked Gabrielle. Xena was just as puzzled. They proceeded cautiously into the tent.
Inside were long banquet tables on opposite sides of the room with ample space between them for the bringing and clearing of plates, and for entertainment. Warrior and bard spotted the woman who had invited them and joined her at table. Cups of wine had been set out though no food had been brought yet. Xena picked one up and took a drink, but it was so sweet she nearly gagged. She told her companions, "This is the worst wine I've ever tasted! It hasn't even fermented."
Hearing this, one of the Disney people, this one costumed as a buck-toothed dog, rushed to her side and explained, "It isn't wine. It's sweetened grape juice. We don't allow mood altering substances at our parties." Xena, Gabrielle, and some of the immortals looked at each other as if the man were crazy.
Then the woman who had invited them introduced herself. "My name is Mrs. Axelby. I know a lot about these visitors. My greatest pleasure is in knowing everyone's business. Give me a little time and I'll know all about you."
"Just tell us what you know about them," urged Xena.
She began, "Well, not only do they revere their master who, as I said, is frozen in an ice cave, but they say these costumes they wear are in his honor. He's the one who dreamed them up. They won't admit it but most of these people are slaves. They're called wage slaves. Instead of working for room and board directly they are given a little money. That they trade for room and board. This way they have the illusion of freedom. But where they're from, everything is owned by Disney, so truly they are slaves. They are made to wear embarrassing attire to keep them humble and they must keep shit-eating grins on their faces at all times. Otherwise their pay is withheld. And there's more - they say their business is entertainment. Well, we shall see. I must say I'm not entertained yet."
"What do they want here?" asked Xena.
"I don't know. Maybe we'll find out tonight," answered Mrs. Axelby.
Gabrielle was already bored. She reached under the table and fondled Xena's thigh. At that moment in came the high priestess Leshko with some of her temple whores. She picked up a cup and took a taste. Her face took on an aspect of disdain. Then with a lot of fuss she spat it out, cursed, and turned to leave. The buck-toothed dog tried to talk to her but she waved him away.
Now with a crashing of cymbals the entertainment began as scores of slaves in bizarre animal costumes filled the room. Musicians struck up a cloying tune and the slaves cavorted in time, turning often to look at their audience and to wave maniacally. In their silly voices they sang a song about their leader; a mouse. During this song they began to march around in a quasi-military fashion. Xena was disturbed by this. Without taking her eyes off the foul spectacle she nudged Gabrielle with her elbow. In a hoarse whisper she said, "Gabrielle look. I think they have an army. I think this 'mouse' they're talking about is a warlord." She turned to look at Gabrielle, who stared transfixed with one hand tapping the table in time with the music. Then looking around, she saw that most of the immortals had forgotten their complaints concerning the lack of wine and were similarly entranced with the vulgar show. "Gabrielle, what are you doing? You can't tell me you like this," said Xena, alarmed.
"I don't know, what's so bad about it?" asked Gabrielle.
"Can't you see? They're trying to lull these immortals into a false sense of security. Then they're going to invade and bring their frozen mouse leader here," she explained.
"Your imagination is working overtime."
Now the animal-costumed performers cleared out and new slaves dressed as knives, forks, and other kitchen utensils took their place. They sang a song about hospitality and bore trays of food for the guests. Other slaves stood by and explained that the food wasn't your ordinary fare. Everything had special names like "Mickey- burgers" or "Donald-dogs". It was all overcooked, unhealthful, and to Xena's nose smelled of putrification. Her stomach began to turn at the look and smell of it. Yet the immortals tore into it as though it were ambrosia itself.
A slave noticed Xena's distress and told her, "Don't be worried by your stomach's revolting. This is an acquired taste of the more civilized world. I can see you're not accustomed to the finer things in life. Let me tell you, even the most majestic birds delight in the eating of carrion. Putrid food is just more aged, as a fine wine or cheese is. Why, think of this food as a representation of Zeus's love for fair Ganymede - 1000 year old meat between ten year old buns!"
Gabrielle's eyes widened at the sight of the food. "Mickey-burgers! I love Mickey-burgers!"
Xena reasoned, "You've never had them before. How can you love them?"
"I just know I do."
"Gabrielle, don't eat their food," pleaded Xena. "We can get something later in the forest."
"Who wants fruits and nuts when you can have Mickey-burgers?" she asked as she picked one up.
Xena snatched it out of Gabrielle's hand and snapped, "I'm telling you not to eat that!"
Mrs. Axelby took it from Xena's hand and said, "I notice you two squabble quite a bit. Are you having sexual problems?"
Before they could answer, Xena and Gabrielle spied, coming back through the door, that old amorist Leshko, who was wont to make her presence known with silly capering. Not impressed with the goings-on of the evening Leshko plucked out one of her eyes, which was made of glass, and rolled it down the banquet table. This display stopped all conversations dead. Seeing she had gotten everyone's attention she climbed onto the table and popped the eye back into its socket. "Who is the host of this piss-poor little shindig?" she roared, "I am the high priestess around here and I demand respect. Let's stop bullshitting around. You know who I am and what I like. I want some females to have sex with me, right now!" One of the slaves hastened to her side and explained quietly that while the Disney company was not against women being with women as a rule, they were very much against group sex, non- monogamous sex, public sex, and well...just sex. Leshko snorted in disgust, "What, no orgies and no wine? You call this a party?" She turned on her heel and marched out the door, just as the next set of entertainers arrived.
Now new performers dressed in various costumes of the world took the floor and sang an ominous song about how, after all, the world is very small indeed. Xena wisely interpreted this to be a veiled threat of world domination. She saw the Disney Corporation for what it was - an evil empire bent on the conquest of the known world. After the song a strange drink was dispensed. It was fizzy and sweet smelling. Its color suggested the contents of a chamber pot. And during the diversion of the odious drink, the Disney people rolled out a cart bearing a model of their proposed changes to Tompkins Square, with all the buildings torn down and replaced by their own designs. But no one seemed to notice it, so enthralled were they by this drink. Xena saw Gabrielle reach for a cup of the stuff and decided to divert her from it. She pulled her onto her lap and kissed her. Gabrielle was so delighted at this she flopped onto the table, pulling Xena down on top of her. She grabbed Xena's head and yanked it to her breast. Frantically horny she pleaded, "Xena, fuck me right now in front of these people! It would be so fun!"
Mrs. Axelby cackled, "Now that's entertainment!" and some of the immortals began to follow their lead. A number of slaves were dispensed to quell the excitement. The buck-toothed dog went to Xena and Gabrielle and said, "Ladies, such conduct is most undignified. We're in the business of family entertainment."
"So what am I, chopped liver?" asked Gabrielle petulantly.
"It won't happen again," said Xena.
As far as Gabrielle was concerned the whole evening was spoiled. Wanting no more of the perverse entertainment, Xena and Gabrielle took the first opportunity to slip away from the banquet. Through the black night, they ran down Avenue A, dodging potholes, seeking the shelter of the forest. Xena wanted to get her partner far from the influence of the Disney people, for she thought they had already gotten some sort of hold on her.
But, as the Fates would have it, at the edge of town they saw a sight that froze them in their tracks: their immortal enemy Callisto, the hateful goddess sworn to destroy Xena. She who Xena had last seen in a lava pit. Inexplicably, she stood dead in the middle of Avenue A staring at them. "Oh Xena," she called, "Is it really you? Are we dead and in Tartarus?"
"Hah! Tartarus!?" snorted Gabrielle. "Everyone's happy here."
"Exactly," agreed Callisto. "And you're here, so it must be true."
Xena's eyes narrowed. She moved to protect Gabrielle. "Callisto, what are you doing here? How did you escape the lava?"
"Calm down Xena, I'm not going to hurt your little friend. I want to get off this island. You two are going to help me," she said.
"You're a god. Get yourself off the island," answered the warrior, curtly.
As a reply the psychotic immortal told this story: "Well, Xena it's not that simple. You thought you were so smart dumping me and Velaska into that lava. You forgot, where there are volcanoes there are also earthquakes. The lava had barely hardened when the earth shook and the rock broke apart, turning us both loose. Well as you can imagine we resumed our little spat, and before you know it we were summoned to Mount Olympus, where the gods decided we weren't good goddess material. They cheated me! I ate the ambrosia; I deserve to be a god." She looked at Xena, blazing anger in her eyes. "Anyway, they kept me immortal but took away my godhood. As punishment they put me here on this island of idiotic immortals. I can't kill anyone. No one is afraid of me. I've tried to be exiled but as you can see, I'm still here."
"I think you should stay here," replied Xena.
"I know you two aren't planning on staying here," she regarded them thoughtfully. "It would be too boring even for her," she said, gesturing at Gabrielle. "Is she immortal? Should I find out?" She reached for her sword as Xena and Gabrielle fled into the forest. Callisto called after them, "Oh Xena, when we get back to the real world, I am going to make you suffer. This is all your fault. You're not leaving without me."
Deep in the forest, overcome with exhaustion and the day's happenings, Gabrielle and
Xena passed long hours, blessed by Folly's servant Sleep.
* * *
Callisto set forth for the pyramid before the first light of dawn, when all the inhabitants of the city were fast asleep. Though none needed sleep all indulged in it for pleasure's sake, so she was assured no one would try to stand in her way when she approached Folly's ass and went for the dingleberries. She hoped her action would lead to chaos and escape, or if she were caught, expulsion from the Fortunate Isles. Thoughts of what might happen and what she might do when she got back to civilization occupied her until she reached the temple. She saw the whole earth consumed with brawling, forsaken by all the gods, and bloody heads covered by gory helmets rolling into the pits of Tartarus - and all this caused by her. She couldn't help but smile.
Around and around the wooden steps she climbed, getting a sense with each turn that no more height had been attained. Still she persevered and eventually the steps became narrower, more crooked, fairly teetering. Full of suspicion and anger she looked behind her, for she couldn't help but feel she was being made a figure of fun. The higher she climbed the more precarious the steps and finally at the last flight they swung wildly. Callisto felt a surge of self-satisfaction. Opening the creaky door at the top she thought she had performed an impressive feat. She stepped inside Folly's private rooms where the goddess slept unguarded and alone with only her Pussy for company. Callisto threw herself upon her ass, and with thumb and forefinger grasped a dingleberry and commenced pulling. With a colossal start, the ass kicked up her heels and hee-hawed.
Folly sat up in her bed, and when she saw what Callisto was up to she cried, "Imagine - a strange woman groping my ass!" At this sound her faithful attendants entered the room. "You are truly mine," the goddess told Callisto. "You abstain utterly from any contact with wisdom. Everything you try to do goes wrong and you will forever live in my company. Now, so there won't be any bruised feelings, kiss my Pussy." Having no choice Callisto dropped onto one knee to comply. Folly shouted , "My ass, stupid! My ass!"
"Which do you want me to kiss, your pussy or your ass?" asked the humiliated immortal.
With that, Folly and all her attendants laughed heartily and swung open the door which somehow now opened directly onto the square. Foolish Callisto fled into the morning light.
Furious at the turn of events, Callisto ran down to the beach. Now her intention was to swim away. In vexation she leapt into the foaming sea and began to swim. Some time later, Laziness gave her gift just as she had done for Xena and Gabrielle the day before. Then Forgetfulness gave hers: the result being she got too lazy to swim and forgot where she was swimming to. The currents carried her back to the Fortunate Isles. When she walked onto the shore Ignorance kicked in: Callisto wasn't sure where she was until she walked into town and saw the square.
Looking on this scene Folly commented, "Unbelievable! She tries to swim away every morning. I love it." That said she gave her ass a little squeeze.
Callisto sat down in the square in a foul temper.
* * *
Back in the forest, charmed by Sleep, Xena dreamt a vivid dream - a vision of heroism, her chance for redemption. This is what she saw:
First she was in the land of the pharaohs above a gleaming pyramid. Unlike the ramshackle pyramid on the Fortunate Isles this one was built high of polished stone and burnished with precious gold. In her mind she flew above it, circling several times, drawing closer with each circle until she could see on the surface of the pyramid thousands of scarab beetles marching up and down in single file. Each beetle rolled a ball of dung before it, a perfect round turd-ball similar to the dingleberries on Folly's ass. After taking in this scene she found herself inside the pyramid in a fabulous chamber filled with treasures. There a mummified priestess and her coterie entertained her with a feast consisting of food long past its peak and wine turned to dust. Then with gestures they directed her into a dark shaft, pitch black and too low for her to stand up in. She crouched and entered the darkness. Her heart beat fast; sweat coursed down her thighs. Soon a square of yellow light came into view; she hastened towards it. There, lit by a shaft in the pyramid was another chamber and on the wall, the painted likeness of a scarab beetle and its precious dung, done on a grand scale. Thus she concluded the advanced civilization of the pharaohs worshipped dung above all else.
Next she found herself at another pyramid, in a land she couldn't recognize. The pyramid stood at the end of a great square much like Folly's but this pyramid too was far grander than hers. Built of great stone blocks and carved with warlike creatures, its appearance put Folly's to shame. Xena admired these creatures for some time then walked through the square. At the other end of the square was a market and among the more prosaic items for sale there was - featured most prominently - a huge table groaning under the weight of hand sized dung balls piled into a pyramid. Astonished at this sight, Xena walked into a nearby building and saw people rolling human manure into balls- to be sold at premium prices no less! She was asked if she had any to contribute.
Next she was alone in the dark. An inner voice told her to remember all she had seen;
that she was destined for greatness; that she could save civilization and redeem herself
for past misdeeds.
* * *
Xena was surprised to find Gabrielle already awake and once again horny. The bard pressed her cunt against Xena's leg and moaned, "Xena I thought you were never going to wake up." She jumped on top of her and ground against her belly. But Xena, with her mind on higher matters, resisted her advances.
"Gabrielle, I've had an important dream," she started. "I know we're here for a purpose now. This wasn't an accident."
Gabrielle's hands were all over her. "Less talk, more sex," she ordered.
Seeing she would get no cooperation from Gabrielle until she did her, she did her. She rolled Gabrielle onto her back, pushed her legs apart and plunged four fingers into her soaking hole. She kissed her, her tongue probing her mouth as her hand worked hard against her bucking partner. She growled low in her ear, "Is this what you wanted?" By way of reply Gabrielle groaned loud as she came. Xena gathered her into her arms and asked, "Now can I talk to you?" Sated, for the moment, she agreed to listen.
Xena told her of her important mission in the Fortunate Isles. She said she knew there was something there that people were after, that she knew Callisto and the Disney Corporation were up to no good. She also said there was something insidious in the Fortunate Isles that affected people and caused them to behave foolishly, and that Gabrielle was under its influence, but she alone was not affected. Self-Love had taken firm hold of Xena; Folly's influence had given her an inflated sense of importance. Still Xena went on, oblivious to her own foolishness. "I need to go back into town and see what's happening there. There's something about that donkey I want to find out. You'd better come with me. You need me to keep you out of trouble."
They headed back to Avenue A. Xena - in battle mode, with a heightened sense of danger - scanned everywhere for signs of trouble. None came but she persisted. They spent most of the day exploring around the square and then continued past Folly's pyramid. At the edge of town they found a tumble-down hut, which Xena in her self-aggrandizement took be a temple and a sign from the gods. "I didn't see this before when we came through here," she said. "I need to go in here." They entered the "temple" and Xena sat down on the floor. "I'm going to meditate here and wait for my next instructions," she told Gabrielle. "You wait in the other room."
"How long am I supposed to wait," she asked.
"I don't know. Gabrielle, you know how you got upset when I told you I wouldn't be going to Elysian Fields? If this goes right, they've got to let me in. I'll be the greatest hero ever." So reluctantly Gabrielle agreed to leave her alone for one night.
As Xena meditated in the "temple" Gabrielle slept uneasily in an adjacent room. One night without her mate wasn't an eternity, but it was hard. Still, she didn't wish to question Xena's judgement, especially when it was a question of religion. Xena never engaged in any religious practices and this was important to her. But as Gabrielle slept her mind returned again and again to thoughts of indulging her pleasure with the woman in the next room.
Late in the night, Callisto, who had been following, crept silently into Gabrielle's room. She sat down on the floor beside the girl, pulled back the blanket covering her, and let her eyes roam over her body. Folly had been Callisto's personal god for years, as she was overly blessed with the gifts of the nymph Madness. Now Wantonness helped make her especially foolish. Where her eyes had travelled, she let her hands follow. Her fingertips trailed from Gabrielle's throat to her belly, then down her thigh. Having been on the island longer she knew something that Xena didn't. Nearly everyone in the Fortunate Isles was in a constant state of heat. She figured Gabrielle, being silly by nature, was more susceptible to Folly's influence. But Callisto, being mad, was completely in Folly's thrall, though like Xena, she foolishly thought she was the only person who wasn't affected. And now was she was going to seduce Xena's mate. She relished the chance to cause trouble. With this in mind, she undressed and laid along Gabrielle's side, quietly slipping a hand around her waist. Gabrielle stirred but did not wake up. This made Callisto bolder. With her head propped up on one hand to watch Gabrielle, she brought her other hand down to the girl's cunt and stroked the hair gently. In her sleep Gabrielle smiled and ground against Callisto's hand. "That's right," she whispered. "You want this." She bent her head down to take one of Gabrielle's breasts in her mouth at the same time parting the lips of her cunt to wet her fingers. At this Gabrielle gasped and started to wake. She opened her eyes, startled to see Callisto there.
Callisto clamped a hand over the bard's mouth and rolled on top of her. "Don't scream Gabrielle. I'm not going to hurt you. I could have killed you already but I didn't." Gabrielle nodded and Callisto loosened her hold. Callisto smiled. "Gabrielle," she said sweetly, "I know I'm always kidnapping you and trying to kill you and all, but deep down I really do like you." Then invoking Flattery she said, "I just can't resist you; you're so pretty." Her tongue flicked in Gabrielle's ear. Her hands began to roam again.
Gabrielle's mind was fogged by Folly. She only knew that the feeling of Callisto on top of her and the touch of her hands was pleasurable. Callisto had guessed correctly. Since coming to the Fortunate Isles, Intemperance had given Gabrielle his gift. There was no moderation in anything here. Everyone seemed to be drunk on aphrodisiacs, and she was no exception. Yet she decided to offer token resistance. "You better get out of here," she said, "or I'll call Xena. She'll hack you to pieces." "You don't want to call Xena, Gabrielle," she answered in a low voice. She took firm hold of the bard's behind and ground her pussy into hers. She nibbled at her neck and ear saying, "Everything Xena can do I can do just as well. We're so alike. We're both killers. That excites you doesn't it? I am just as good as her, and now that I'm immortal I'm better."
Nothing is so difficult that lust cannot extort it. While she repeated, "I'll call Xena," Callisto's fingers entered her and her mouth clamped down on her breast. Gabrielle's poorly disguised resistance ceased. Far from being offended by Callisto's bold advances, she welcomed them. Callisto took her pleasure and was satisfied at Gabrielle's response. After Gabrielle climaxed she flipped Callisto onto her back, leapt upon her, and ravished her with hungry mouth and hands. And immediately after, straddling Callisto's face she said, "Let's go again." Callisto labored hard upon her until Gabrielle gasped her release.
Callisto freed herself from Gabrielle's grip. "Gabrielle, go to sleep now," she said, "I have some thinking to do."
Gabrielle did seem to drop off to sleep, but within minutes she was urgently pressing her body against Callisto again. "What, no more?" she pleaded. Callisto wanted nothing more than to show she was superior to Xena in every way. She thrust three fingers into Gabrielle's cunt and three into her ass, and sucked her clit into her mouth. Breathing heavily and sweating she did her best to please her. Then after Gabrielle came, Callisto rolled onto her back, fatigued.
Moments later Gabrielle reached for her again. "I thought you were immortal. Is this the best you can do?"
Annoyed at these insatiable demands, Callisto pushed her away and said, "Go to
sleep or I'll call Xena."
* * *
Pleased with her deductive powers, Xena announced, "Gabrielle, I've figured it out. The shit balls on the donkey's ass are the key."
Gabrielle replied, "Xena, everybody knows that. Everyone knows the dingleberries hold Folly's power and if any are pulled off, the world will suffer untold torment."
But Xena wasn't listening. Exasperated she said, "Right, that's what I'm trying to tell you! Anyway, I need you to find that gossipy woman Mrs. Axelby. Ask her if she knows anything new about Disney." Gesturing behind her she said, "I'm going up to the top of the hill to see if I can spy into the Disney camp."
Xena climbed up the hill and found herself alone in a grove of plane trees, but not for long. Callisto had followed her. Desperate to escape the Fortunate Isles, she called to Xena, "Xena I want to change. I want to be good like you. I want to go back to our country and help people." She slowly approached, staring into the warrior's provoking eyes. She stood before Xena, took her hand, and held it to her chest. Xena was utterly shocked.
Callisto persisted, "I can change. You did. Just give me a chance."
Xena knew not whether to believe Callisto but Self-Love made her sure she could redeem the wicked immortal simply by having sex with her. A similar scenario had worked for her, she recalled. Ignorance clouded her judgement; Wantonness guided her actions; Forgetfulness made her say, "I can trust you, right? You promise to be good from now on?"
"Oh I promise. Haven't I always kept my promises to you?" Xena could not precisely remember their dealings in the past, but at this point she didn't care. She reached for Callisto, pulled her close, and kissed her deeply. Then Pleasure took over and all rational thought ceased.
Xena sank to her knees, bringing Callisto with her, continuing to thrust her tongue in her mouth. She pressed Callisto down on her back and laid on top of her. But Callisto resisted being put onto her back; she rolled them both over till she was on top. Xena, uncomfortable with her enemy in a superior position, rolled on top again. This time Callisto allowed it. Xena looked down on Callisto with smug satisfaction.
But as she looked into Callisto's eyes, Xena felt in her heart stirrings of conciliation and deep regret for her own vicious deeds in the past - deeds that came back to her in sudden realization. Her cruelty had created a monster; now she thought her kindness could undo the damage. Then and there she silently vowed to show Callisto how sorry she was. With solemn reverence she undressed her enemy, her hands gentle on her body. She covered her breast with kisses and caressed Callisto as if the cold blooded murderer were a frightened virgin. Callisto took all this in with interest. Xena's sentimental side was in full effect and the wicked immortal found it amusing that she of all people was on the receiving end of the warrior's tenderness. "Callisto, I'm glad you came to me," Xena murmured as she nuzzled her neck. "Can't we forgive each other and put all this bitterness behind us?"
"Sure Xena," she said, not at all convincingly.
But Xena didn't notice her insincerity. She concentrated on treating Callisto with the utmost care. Every touch, every kiss bespoke her deepest emotions and betrayed the secret she would never reveal to Callisto before: she wanted - more than anything else - to be forgiven. This act was as much a matter of her own redemption as Callisto's. Feeling in control of the situation Callisto closed her eyes, relaxed, and let Xena pleasure her. The warrior's worshipping mouth rained tender kisses upon Callisto's face and throat. She moved lower and gently took one of Callisto's breasts into her mouth. She sucked it, kissed it, ran her tongue over the erect nipple. Callisto sighed and opened her eyes to watch Xena's mouth on her breasts. At the sight of her enemy lavishing rapt attention on her body, she almost felt she could forgive her...almost. Xena moved lower now, her tongue slipping into Callisto's navel, then lower again to her soft blond curls which she kissed before parting her labia and plunging in to taste her. Callisto pressed Xena's head to her, pleased at how the warrior labored so earnestly to satisfy her. Finally Callisto gasped and cried out her release. Xena gathered her enemy in her arms, cradled her, and stroked her face. And she thanked Callisto; she was quite serious - for in her befuddled mind they had just done something meaningful and beautiful. Callisto considered the incident a joke.
A short time later as they still lay together in the grove of plane trees, the old priestess Leshko wandered by. "Oh Callisto, you're a busy girl," she laughed. Then to Xena she said, "And you, rude one who couldn't be bothered to introduce yourself..."
"She's socially retarded," interjected Callisto.
"Your little partner is approaching," she continued. "Will she be joining you?" At these words, Xena leapt to her feet and rushed to get her clothes back on. She didn't care to explain how she had been passing the time with Callisto. She was sure the sensitive bard would be wounded by her infidelity.
"Is there a problem here?" laughed Callisto.
"Not at all," answered Leshko. She fell upon Callisto and quickly slipped two fingers up her cunt. "She got you all warmed up for me!" she gushed. And to Xena she called, "We both love the blonds!"
Callisto, annoyed, jumped up and shouted, "Get lost!"
"As you wish," she said and walked away just as Gabrielle arrived. Gabrielle saw Xena's guilty swiveling eyes and Callisto in a state of undress. She looked upon this scene with consternation.
"Just what is going on here?" she asked, her eyes on Callisto, who took her time putting her clothes back on.
Xena clasped Gabrielle's shoulders and exclaimed, "Gabrielle, I have wonderful news for you. You know how you said Callisto is really sorry for the bad things she's done? You were right! And she's going to be good now. I changed her."
"That's right Gabrielle, you heard her. But then you already know how good I can be," she said with a wink.
Just then, an adorable little girl who looked to be about seven, came skipping through the grove, humming an idle tune. Callisto looked at her and her eyes narrowed. Unable to restrain herself she growled, "I am so sick of that little bitch," as she drew her sword. She ran up behind the little girl, grabbed ahold of her hair, and cut her head off in one fell swoop. Holding the head aloft she loosed a cackle of laughs.
The girl's head stuck its tongue out and whined, "You're mean. I hate you!"
Callisto responded, "Success at last!" She pitched the severed head down a nearby well. A group of people drawn by the commotion gathered to watch. Callisto waved her sword at them. "Who else wants some?" she yelled, "Bring it!" They dispersed giving her a wide berth. From inside the well the head called to the body which climbed down a rope to retrieve it.
Meanwhile Xena looked upon this scene aghast, infuriated by Callisto's spiteful treachery. "You told me you were going to be good," she started.
"I lied!" exclaimed Callisto in a merry tone. She sat down and laughed hysterically when she saw the girl's body climb out of the well, the head tucked under her arm. "I should have thought of this before." She was well pleased with this merriment.
Xena and Gabrielle called to the girl and summoned her to them. "I can help you," said Xena, "Gabrielle, get me my sewing supplies." Gabrielle fetched them and with needle and thread the two set about reattaching the girl's head before a gathering crowd.
"Xena this little girl is going to have to wear these stitches forever. Do they have to be so big?" fretted Gabrielle.
"I have to make them big enough to hold her head on," replied Xena. The dark stitches stood out in stark contrast with the pale skin of the girl's neck. But Flattery bestowed her gift upon the onlookers, who oohed and ahhed in appreciation of the girl's charming new fashion accessory.
A young man remarked, "Your neck is so fantastic! I've never seen anything like it." The others concurred and added their flattering comments. The little girl stood and modelled her new look to wild applause.
"I'm the most fortunate girl in the Fortunate Isles," she declared.
* * *
"Though I'm rightly thought a fool I wouldn't deign to stoop so low To sit upon a donkey's stool And brave the foulest wind to blow. Elysium's prize so close to pluck Is shielded by a load of gas And if with that I tried to fuck Blow it would from Folly's ass!"
Leshko clapped her hands in delight. "Gabrielle, you are a true poet! I so admire you - for so many reasons! You are welcome to declaim in my temple any time."
Xena was annoyed by this. "Gabrielle, you seem to forget we're on a mission here. I don't need you drawing attention to yourself with your sudden need to declaim in public."
"But Xena, it's a cautionary tale. It'll make people think twice before trying
anything funny. You're just jealous 'cause I'm getting some attention for a change,"
said the bard.
* * *
To keep a closer watch on the affairs of the immortals, Xena and Gabrielle moved from the forest to a rooming house in town. Callisto followed their movements impatiently. She meant to leave with them one way or another, but could not tell how or when they would make their move. At twilight she barged into their room.
"I want to know how you're planning to get out of here," she demanded. "Because I don't care what you think, I'm not staying."
"Callisto," Xena said, "I know all about your evil plan. You want to steal the dingleberries and plunge the world into misery. Well, I'm going to stop you. And then we're leaving and you're staying here. The gods have decreed it. This is the only place where you can't do any damage."
"But Xena you're wrong. You've just said that I can do damage. If you leave me here, how can you know what I'm getting up to?" asked Callisto.
"Folly will take care of you," answered Xena.
At these words Callisto burned with rage. Then she said, "Okay Xena. So what you're really saying is the only way you can defeat me is to cheat. You need this shoddy goddess do your dirty work for you. You couldn't beat me in any fair contest." This challenge appealed to Xena's competitive nature and had the desired effect.
"I can beat you in anything you can name," she bristled.
Callisto proposed a contest in which Gabrielle could be the judge. The first one to make the bard come would be the winner. The terms of the contest according to Callisto were if she won Xena would help her escape. The terms according to Xena were if she won Callisto would give up her schemes and accept her fate. Neither heard nor cared about the other's terms, for Self-Love made each believe that she would prevail. As for Gabrielle, she welcomed the attention, for Intemperance made certain nothing could quench her insatiable lust.
It was agreed that Gabrielle should be blindfolded so she couldn't see who she was with and her hands bound so she couldn't help herself along to the goal. Callisto was satisfied with these terms and thought it was the best way to discourage favoritism. She and Xena made short work of Gabrielle's clothes, running their hands over her body as they stripped her. They eyed each other suspiciously. "I have an idea," said Gabrielle. "Why take turns? You could both go at once."
Idly fondling the bard's pussy Callisto looked at Xena and said, "I think we should gag her too."
"I don't think so!" answered Xena.
"What if she tells you what to do?" asked Callisto.
"She doesn't need to tell me anything. I know what to do and I'm going to win," insisted Xena. Her hands squeezed the bard's breasts as she glared at her enemy. Gabrielle could barely contain her excitement. She pulled at Xena's and Callisto's clothes.
The two warriors undressed quickly, then took hold of Gabrielle's arms. They bound her hands together with a leather strap and tied a cloth tightly over her eyes. Together they lifted her onto the bed, raised her bound hands over her head and tied them to the bed frame. Xena held up a small sand glass and said, "This will be the length of the turns."
"I'll go first," said Callisto. She eyed Gabrielle on the bed, already panting and twisting with anticipation. I'll make short work of this, she thought. She crawled over Gabrielle barely touching her. She lowered herself slowly and Gabrielle surged against her. Callisto ran one hand along the insides of Gabrielle's thighs while the other hand went to the small of her back. The girl arched frantically and spread her legs wide open. Callisto brought her hand up her thigh to touch, ever so lightly, her clit.
Gabrielle whimpered, "Please". At that Callisto began to rub her clit in earnest and at the same time took one of her breasts in her mouth. But before she could reach her goal the sand had run out. Xena grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her off, leaving Gabrielle frustrated and writhing on the bed.
Xena got onto the bed, positioned herself between Gabrielle's legs and sat back on her heels. She took hold of the bard's ass and pulled her onto her lap. Now she had Gabrielle's upturned, spread open cunt on her lap; she began to stroke it leisurely with one hand while with the other she slipped a couple of fingers in. Mindful of the time she only did this briefly before she once again took Gabrielle's ass in her hands and hoisted her up to her mouth and hooked her legs over her shoulders. Holding her this way Xena delved into Gabrielle's cunt, pushing her tongue deep into her hole, then bringing it out to lick her clit. Using her whole mouth she teased, sucked, and consumed her lover's cunt. Gabrielle moaned steadily, but again before she could come the time expired. Callisto poked Xena impatiently, then grabbed one of her nipples and pulled it. Xena reluctantly lowered Gabrielle to the bed and got up.
This turn Callisto didn't want to waste any time. She hauled Gabrielle's legs wide apart, lowered her mouth to her, and feasted greedily. She placed three fingers near the girl's opening and felt her thrust, trying to take the fingers inside. Callisto obliged and started to push them in and out while intensifying her oral efforts. Gabrielle groaned. The sand ran down and Xena hauled Callisto off the bed.
Taking her place she decided to change the pace a bit. She stretched out beside Gabrielle and ran a hand slowly down her body. Then she claimed her mouth for a sweet kiss as her fingers once again found her clit. Then lowering her head to Gabrielle's ear she nipped at it and slipped her tongue into it. "Gabrielle" she whispered low, "don't you want to come yet? You know you can't wait much longer." While Xena whispered in Gabrielle's ear urging her to let go, Callisto did a slow burn. She's cheating, she thought, and agitated, she began to rummage through Xena's things. Then she found something she could use, a secret weapon so to speak.
As the sand ran down and Gabrielle still hadn't come yet, Callisto appeared at the side of the bed wearing a leather dildo in a leather harness. She slid her hands between the lovers, grabbed Xena by the breasts and pulled her off of the bard. "My turn, get off!" she sneered. Gabrielle was thrilled by spectacle of the two warriors battling for the privilege of bringing her pleasure, but at the same time the interruptions were maddening.
"Never mind the turns. Why can't you both do me at the same time?" she complained.
"Gabrielle, this is a contest," snapped Xena. Then, seeing Callisto with the dildo, Xena pulled her aside and whispered angrily, "What are you doing? That's mine! Take it off! We never said anything about using toys."
Callisto ignored her and went straightaway to the bed where Gabrielle was waiting in a desperate state. Callisto laid beside Gabrielle and gently turned her onto her side facing away from her. Then she embraced her, pushed herself between her legs, and entered her from behind. She thrust into her while squeezing a breast with one hand and rubbing her clit with the other. The girl's cries became more urgent now as she neared her climax. Xena laid down on the other side of the bed and watched closely, all the while keeping one eye fixed on the sand glass. "Time's up," she called.
But Gabrielle pleaded, "No, don't stop," and Callisto would not let go of her. So as Callisto continued to fuck her, Xena pushed Callisto's hand away from Gabrielle's clit and replaced it with her mouth. Soon Gabrielle shuddered and screamed her release.
Callisto pulled out of her and sat up while Xena held the bard till her heart calmed. She pulled off the blindfold and asked, "Well? Who won?"
Gabrielle declared the match a tie and suggested a tie-breaker. At these words Callisto reached for her declaring, "I'll win this time!"
Suddenly, Xena was overcome with emotion. "Get your scrawny chicken claws off my
sidekick!" she shouted. "You have plagued my life long enough!" She pounded
her breast in despair. "Why is it that everywhere we go, you turn up? Why is it that
every time I think you're in jail, or dead, or stuck in lava, you show up again? What have
I ever done to deserve you in my life?" This tirade was met with silence and
knowing looks from the other two. "Oh...yeah...never mind," said Xena.
* * *
After the incident in the grove, Callisto occasionally, in a fit of pique, would cut
off a person's head or arm or leg. But everyone in the Fortunate Isles now knew how to
stitch them back on, the stitching of skin having become a popular fashion. Indeed it
became something of a status symbol to have an appendage lopped off by Callisto. By the
day she found herself assailed by immortals wishing to goad her into action, or even
coming right out and asking for an amputation. The fact that people wanted it took all the
pleasure out of it for Callisto. She answered these requests with grumpy silence.
* * *
Xena had to admit Callisto was right. Folly's influence on the Fortunate Isles was all-pervading. The longer a person stayed there the more foolish he or she became. And the women were the most foolish of all, for Folly said they had a head start, that they were closer to divinity with their inherent foolishness. Though Xena still didn't understand how completely she herself was under Folly's influence, she did concede to Gabrielle, "If it weren't for Folly being so strong here, we wouldn't be hanging out with Callisto and having sex with her. When our mission is over, we'd better get out of here. Or next thing you know, we'll be having sex with Leshko."
Callisto opined, "Hey - she's not bad you know."
* * *
As the wily Disney wage slave reached out to pluck a dingleberry, Callisto sneaked up behind him with her sword drawn. Too late his companion saw this; too late for warning. She brought the blade down two handed and hacked off his arm below the elbow. She was rewarded with spurting blood and shrieks of horror. He ran where panic led him, in erratic patterns around the room. "Blood!" she cried triumphantly. "He's mortal!" To stop his irksome hopping and screaming she ran her sword through his heart. She exclaimed, "Oh death! How I've missed you!" The other slave cowered against the wall in terror.
Then Callisto stretched out her hand to claim the prize she had fought so valiantly for. But as her hand drew near the tantalizing dingleberries the donkey once again began to raise a ruckus; her bowels barked an alarm, followed by a furnace blast of foul wind. Immediately after, the she-ass deposited on the floor a jackpot, if you will, of dung. Now, eyeing the dung, Callisto and the Disney slave both asked themselves the same question: is the fresh dung as powerful as the dried balls, or does it have to spend time on the donkey's backside? They both made for it at once.
At that moment Xena burst through the door, followed by Gabrielle. Holding her chakram Xena warned, "Don't either of you take one step towards that dung. Get back against the wall." The slave complied. To him she said, "I can help you and your people escape from slavery but you have to give up your schemes." He blinked in puzzlement. Callisto looked at Xena and purposefully took one step closer to the dung heap.
"You don't scare me Xena," she started. "I've been keeping you two alive because it suited me. Now that I have the dung, you're expendable." She held her sword fast.
Then suddenly it was she - the only she - who commands all things on earth. The goddess Folly appeared before them accompanied by her nymphs and her high priestess Leshko. She looked on the situation with obvious amusement.
Prideful Xena spoke first, "Folly, I caught these people trying to steal your dingleberries..."
Her words were cut short by Callisto who insisted, "No she didn't! I caught these two. I killed one of them. They're mortal and if you like, I'll rid the Fortunate Isles of all of them." Her eyes shone with glee at the thought. Looking at Xena and Gabrielle she continued, "And these two are also mortal. I can kill them for you too. The only thing I want is to return to my country afterwards."
"Don't trust her Folly. She's a very dangerous and villainous woman," said Xena, taking a step closer to Callisto.
"Oh Xena we are all so tired of the wonderful warrior princess who can never put a foot wrong." To Folly she said, "Her past is as blood stained as mine. Even more so; after all - it's she who made me..."
Finding this back and forth tiresome, Folly interrupted. "Listen you two, with my nymphs and their faithful help, I bring every sort of thing under my rule, maintaining my empire even over emperors," she said. "Do you think you are exempt? Are you both pleased with your self-control? Good. For what is more foolish as to be satisfied with yourself? I have gotten my way, even though you don't know it. As for your heroism or your villainy, it makes no difference to me. It's no skin off my ass (pardon the expression)." To Xena she said, "You say these people want to take over my island? Let them think they have. They can turn it upside down and let it sink into the sea, for that would serve my purposes just as well. My business is foolishness so I am never disappointed or let down by anyone. What in all the world could be more foolish than grown people cavorting about in silly costumes, providing idiotic entertainment, and trying with messianic zeal to draw an ever-increasing crowd to see it, all in the name of defending the family, (whatever that means)? I will keep them sleek and fat as prize pigs, these prize fools. They serve me well. As do you."
Xena was hopping mad with anger. Her temper flared as she looked on the goddess and tried to choose her words. "So all our struggles and work are just grist for your comedy mill?" she started. "Our lives have no meaning beyond the amusement you get from watching us?" At this point she was quite beside herself. She raised her voice and shouted, "Everything is just one big joke, is that it?"
"You've got that just about right," replied Folly.
* * *
The revelling and ruckus was earsplitting, yet in the middle of it all Folly slept soundly with her ass close by. Gabrielle looked at her and sensed a kindred spirit. Feeling eyes upon her the goddess sat up abruptly and said to Gabrielle, "Did you want something?"
The bard gushed in admiration, "I'm just like you; I could sleep through anything! And if I didn't have Xena to wake me up I'd oversleep every day."
To this Folly answered, "I never oversleep; my Pussy is just as good as a cock in the morning!"