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Gabrielle and Xena don't get 'it'

by Danielle



Xena sits astride Argo. Gabrielle walks alongside, leaning heavily on her staff like a cane.



My back is still killing me from all that dancing and flying. I didn't know I could get my body into so many different positions.

XENA (to herself)
Neither did I.
(to Gabrielle)
Why don't you ride up with me for awhile?

(stops, her face in total concentration)
You know, Xena, I've been hearing this rumor about us, since last season, that a lot of people think we're lesbians.

(hoists Gabrielle up behind her in the saddle)
Why would they think that?
(wraps Gabrielle's arms around her waist)
Hold on tight. Very tight - you don't want to fall.

(she does)
I think it's because no matter how many guys I flirt with or try to kiss, or even MARRY, for the gods' sakes, and no matter how many guys YOU sleep with -

-ONE, okay? I slept with ONE guy since the series started and he was DEAD!

Well, no matter what, WE always end up riding off into the sunset together. And we do fit the classic butch-femme stereotype.

Who are you calling femme?

But otherwise, I don't get it. Since I've known you, I can't remember ever doing anything that could be construed as *sexual innuendo*, can you?
(she moves the hair back from Xena's neck and touches the TWO BITE MARKS that are there)
Oh, are these still here?

I don't see it either.
(perks up)
Ssshhh, I hear something.
(an ARROW whizzes by them, Xena puts a STRONG hand on Gabrielle's knee)
Stay on the horse.

Xena flips off Argo and lands on the ground. Meanwhile, more ARROWS whiz through the air. Gabrielle raises her staff and gets one.

Xena, I did it again, look! Look! I got an arr -
(more arrows fly by and manage to slice up Gabrielle's tank top so that it reveals EVEN MORE SKIN)
Uh oh. I was wondering how the writers were going to get rid of more of my clothes.

Get down, NOW!!!

Xena hits Argo on the rump, causing the horse to rear and Gabrielle flies off - landing INTO XENA'S ARMS comfortably.

(holding onto Gabrielle)
You know, I personally don't see how we COULD be lesbians. I mean, everyone knows how cold and unaffectionate I am. -Well, except when I'm feeling guilty, or we're in the middle of a dangerous situation.

Xena throws Gabrielle to the ground just as as ARROW almost gets them. She lies right on top of Gabrielle, shielding her as arrows continue to fly.

And don't forget the times when I nearly get killed. You're pretty affectionate in those, too.

(still on top of Gabrielle) Oh, right. Those are when I get to touch your shoulder or put my arm around you briefly.

The ARROWS stop coming, but now Xena notices a STAMPEDE of men on horses approaching. She whips her head around - WHOOSH, WHOOSH - and spies a bush nearby.

All I know is that these lesbian rumors seem way unfounded.

You're right.
(wraps her arms around Gabrielle's body)
Stay close.

Xena rolls them to safety under the bush as the STAMPEDE RUSHES BY. Now, Gabrielle's on top, straddling Xena, staring into her eyes, an inch away from her face.

Don't move.

(still staring at Xena)
Okay, well, maybe we have a *little* chemistry. I wonder if they cast us like this on purpose.
(feels something with a hidden hand)
-Hey Xena, is that a - muscle?

(notices the coast is clear)
I think we can get up now. Gabrielle? Gabrielle, you can get off me now.

(still staring at her)
Oh! Oh, right.
(scrambles over Xena, body parts touching)
Sorry, AGAIN. I always seem to be in this position with you.

They get out from under the bush. Xena stands up and notices Gabrielle's new tiny t-shirt look.

Have you been gaining weight? - I mean, we better go, it's getting late.

They begin walking. Gabrielle stops.

By the way, Xena, thanks again for saving my life.

(touches her shoulder)
What are friends for?
(removes her hand quickly)

Friends, right....friends....You know, Xena, if we WERE lesbians, now that we're on the subject and all, there'd be this weird sexual tension between us all the time. And there isn't, is there? I mean, fine, I admit it - you're more beautiful than Aphrodite...sexier than Tartarus...and those eyes...

Gabrielle swallows, staring at Xena.

(staring at Gabrielle)
I always meant to tell you, I'd die for your abs...And the way you handle that staff...

They stare at each other for a LONG BEAT. Almost, almost - THEN THEY TURN AWAY.

But I am cold and unaffectionate.

And I'm boy crazy.

They turn back to each other.

Aren't I?

SUDDENLY, THEY KISS, making out for a full minute before they have to pull apart to catch their breath.

(looking around)
Did anyone see us? We'll be cancelled!

Nah, they'll edit that part out. Good thing I know Avicus.

(they continue walking)
What's going to happen to us now, Xena?

(slakes an arm around Gabrielle's shoulders)
We always have commercials...


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