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Classic Top Ten Lists

by Lord Bowler

from the Home Office in Amphipolis...

The Top Ten Signs Your a Little Too Into Xena.

10.  Called Toy 'R' Us so many times about Xena Action Figure they

     had to get s restraining order.

 9.  Former Frisbee partners now all called Lefty.

 8.  You wear a bronze corset and leather mini skirt to a job

     interview -- and your a man.

 7.  Five thousand dollar phone bill from calling Detroit lobbying

     for new Ford Argo.

 6.  There is no number six.

 5.  The fire department forces you to remove at least 10,000 candles

     from the Lucy Lawless shire in your living room.

 4.  Personalized liceance plate on your war chariot reads 'XENA1.'

 3.  When Gabrielle switched to her Amazon garb, the local

     Salvation Army suddenly got a donation from you of 58 teal

     blouses and long skirts.

 2.  All your neighbors wicker lawn furniture disappears after city

     says there is nothing in the zoning laws banning Trojan Horses.

...and the number one sign your a little too into Xena is...

 1.  The eight foot Xena statue in your front yard made entirerly

     out of kiwi fruit.


from the Home Office in Amphipolis...

The Top Ten Signs that the Xena Fan You're Dealing With is None too Bright.

10.  The Xena action figure he payed fifty dollars for at a convention

     looks suspisiously like a GI Joe in a tiny wig.

 9.  You ask for his opinion on the threat to the Amazon Rain Forrest,

     and he says "I'm sure Queen Melosa can handle it."

 8.  His idea for a great piece of Xena merchandice: Warrior Princess Phones.

 7.  Has personalized liceance plates 'XENA1' -- does have car.

 6.  There is no number six.

 5.  Knows he has no shot with Lucy Lawless, hopes to get a date with

     the actress who played Princess Diana instead.

 4.  Can't afford a trip to New Zealand, goes on dream Xena vacation to

     New Jersey instead.

 3.  Learns Renee O'Connor's birthday is Feb 15. wonders what it's like

     to only have a birthday every four years.

 2.  Thought ET spot was a brilliant piece of television.

...and the number one sign that the Xena fan you're dealing with is none too

   bright is...

 1.  His top ten list never have a number six.


A lot of attention has been paid to the Communications Decency Act in the

Telecommunications Act.  However, there are other amendments in this Bill

that Xena fans should be aware of.  And so from the Home Office in


The Top Ten Xena Related Amendments in the Telecommucations Act.

10.  FCC regulation requiring stations to alphabetize their schedules

     means Xena now shown at 3am Tuesdays.

 9.  To balance perceived liberal bias in the media, Renee O'Connor to

     be replaced in the role of Gabrielle with Ralph Reed head of the

     Christian Coalition.

 8.  Female leads of highly rated syndicated series set in the 'Golden

     Age of Myth' must come to Washington and quote: "Wield the President's

     War Staff."

 7.  Stricter enforcement of the Law of Gravity, means Xena's grounded.

 6.  There is no number six.

 5.  Marcus no longer dead.  Now offically "life challenged."

 4.  ET not allowed to give more than 15 seconds to any show that

     people actually give a damn about.

 3.  There's no number three either.

 2.  Federal regulation against number three's in online top ten lists.

...and the number one Xena related amendment in the Telecommunications

   Act is...

 1.  Two Words: Chakram Tax.

To hell with it. Let them try to arrest me. Here's number three anyway.

3.  Federal Jobs Program requiring all shows to give a part to has-been TV

    stars.  So lets all welcome new regular Gil Gerard as Buckius Rogerius.


from the Home Office in Amphipolis...

The Top Ten Signs Xena Has Gone Nuts.

10.  Trades in Argo for 1976 AMC Pacer.

 9.  Starts carrying "magic wand," demands to be called Xena: Fairy Princess.

 8.  Stops trying to make a quick buck, dedicates life to public

     service -- Sorry, that's one of the top ten signs Salmoneous has

     gone nuts.

 7.  Stops fighting to free people from tyrrany and oppression, starts

     fighting to get people free dance lessons.

 6.  There is no number six.

 5.  After Gabrielle finishes a story, Xena asks her to repeat it in

     greater detail.

 4.  Only does things when told to by tiny man living in her Chakram.

 3.  Stops wearing leather, now goes around in hand-embroidered pink

     bunny suit.

 2.  She likes the McRibs.

...and the number one sign Xena has gone nuts is...

 1.  Loved that ET spot.


from the Home Office in Amphipolis...

The Top Ten Rejected Xena Merchandising Ideas.

10. Xena Warrior Princess Kidney Dialysis Machines.

 9. Celeste's Guide to Life.

 8. Air Xena Basketball Shoes.

 7. Argo Brand Puppy Chow.

 6. There is, of course, no number six.

 5. Jello Brand Ambrosia.

 4. Chia-krams.

 3. Gabrielle's _Short_ Stories.

 2. Lucy Lawless performs ABBA's greatest hits.

...and the number one rejected Xena merchandising idea is...

 1. Anti-ET balistic missles -- they just couldn't make enough of them.


from the Home Ofice in Amphipolis...

The Top Ten Signs Xena's Writers are out of Ideas.

10.  Xena wakes up one morning to find Marcus alive in the shower.

 9.  Run out of good monsters and warlords, start having her fight

     six foot taking carrots.

 8.  At the beginning of ach episode Xena demonstrates a new weapon or

     trick, which co-incidentally, is exactly what she needs to defeat

     the villain, then its never heard from again.

 7.  Xena meets the daughter she never knew she had.

 6.  There is, as of yet, no number six.

 5.  Season ending cliffhanger? Xena's out of Chakram polish.

 4.  ET starts calling it a great show, gives it plenty of coverage.

 3.  There's an episode where Xena starts the Winter Olympics.

 2.  Gabby reapplies to the Academy. Whole episode is a flashback to

     the last time she applied.

...and the number one sign that Xena's writers are out of ideas is...

 1.  Gabby's out. Xena now traveling with a tiger that's been painted black

     and a pair of ferrets.


from the Home Office in Amphipolis...

The Top Ten Surprising Facts About Xena.

10.  In High School voted 'Most likely to lead barbarian horde across 


 9.  Her unnervingly large collection of Slim Whittman Albums.

 8.  Once concidered changin name to Zena so she wouldn't have to 

     keep spelling it for people.

 7.  Once a month consumes her own weight in mashed potatoes.

 6.  There is a number six.  But its a secret.

 5.  Before she became a warrior was deep in training to become a

     Professional Minature Golfer.

 4.  Learned Amazon ways from a Sally Struther's corespondence course.

 3.  Is secretly the author of the book "Primary Colors."

 2.  Her Chakram came from a box of Cracker Jacks.

...and the number one surprising fact about Xena is...

 1.  Favorite Move?  Bio-Dome.


from the Home Office in Amphipolis...

The Top Ten Signs the Show Your Watching Isn't Xena.

10.  All the red clad shore wardens who run up and down the beach

     for no apparent reason.

 9.  Surprisingly overweight Xena keeps refering to 'Gabrielle' as Dan.

 8.  Xena's medical skill put to the test as she spends entire episode

     delivering baby only to have the mother die.

 7.  Instead of solving problems with courage and skill, problems solved

     by babbling about mysterious new 'particles.'

 6.  There is no number six.

 5.  'Salmoneous' spends whole episode extolling 'spray on hair.'

 4.  Xena's hair is shorter and she sits around all episode drinking coffee.

 3.  Enemy in this episode is an animated old man who owns a Nuclear

     power plant.

 2.  Great sword work, but Xena's battle cry now seems to be "There

     can be only one."

...and the number one sign the show your watching isn't Xena is...

 1.  It sucks.


"*You* embroider?"

"I have many skills."

She certainly does and so from the Home Office in Amphipolis...

The Top Ten Unseen Xena Skills.

10.  Can rebuild carberator from a 1938 Buick Roadmaster blindfolded.

 9.  Tremendous Scrabble(TM) player.

 8.  Can juggle a Chakram, a bowling ball and Tony Todd simultaniously.

 7.  She wails on a Sax.

 6.  There is a number six. But since it involves Argo's saddle, a pair of

     jump cables and three pints of whipped cream I can't go into details

     on a list kids might be reading.

 5.  She *can* program a VCR.

 4.  Knows eight separate ways to kill a man with a canned ham.

 3.  Can recite the lyric od "American Pie" backwards.

 2.  Types 80 word a minute.

...and the number one unseen Xena skill is...

 1.  That trick where you hang a spoon from your nose.


from the Home Office in Amphipolis...>

The Top Ten Way for Xenites to Keep Busy During Repeats.

10.  Visit other 382 Toys 'R' Us to see if they have the Xena Action Figure.

 9.  Sit by the road wait for the Olympic Torch to go past.

 8.  Embroider slip cover for that TV you won't be using.

 7.  Make up endless Top Ten list all mysteriously lacking the number six.

 6.  Do I even have to say it.  There is no number six.

 5.  Get out the Braso and clean your wardrobe.

 4.  Practice with your Pan Flute.

 3.  Stock up on cheese.

 2.  Brush hair. (1000 strokes)

...and the number one way for Xenites to keep busy during repeats is...

 1.  Get a life.

from the Home Office in Amphipolis...

The Top Ten Amazon Pet Peeves.

10.  Half-wits who think its a riot to serve you Ben & Jerry's Rainforrest

     Crunch for dessert.

 9.  When your Blue Animal Mask chafes.

 8.  Warlords who try to slip 15 items through the the 12 weapons or less

     line at the armory.

 7.  You put two chobos into the wash and only get one out -- what happens

     to the other chobo?

 6.  There is a number six. But the Amazons would hunt me down and kill me

     if I told you what it was.

 5.  Barbarians who are so rude that they bleed all over your nice clean

     leather when you kill them.

 4.  During Christmas those 'no trespassing' signs sure attract a lot of


 3.  You give the Princess your mother's warstaff and its never seen again.

 2.  Stores always seem to be out of leather WonderBras in your size.

...and the number one Amazon Pet Peeve is...

 1.  Ephine keeps using up the Peroxide.


from the Home Office in Amphipolis...

The Top Ten Reasons to Like Gabrielle.

10.  Swings a mean Warstaff.

 9.  Abs of Steel.

 8.  Do you really want to get the Amazons mad by disliking their Princess?

 7.  She's a story-tellin' fool.

 6.  Just this once there is a number six. Because she's a character

     with the potential to grow and change, becoming more than she is.

 5.  Great Tomatoes. (Sorry No Touching).

 4.  She's the kind of friend who would wait by a lake for you.

 3.  She's brave resourceful, caring and usually has cheese.

 2.  She wears killer hats.

...and the number one reason to like Gabrielle is...

 1.  She's just so damn cute.


from the Home Office in Amphipolis...

The Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear Xena Say.

10.  "Please fondle my buttocks."

 9.  "Gabrielle, you ride ahead on Argo, I'll walk."

 8.  "I'd like to trade this sword in for something a little more dainty."

 7.  "Yatchzee!"

 6.  "There is no number six."

 5.  "Be honest, this leather makes me look fat, doesn't it?"

 4.  "I'd be glad to invest in your new business Salmoneous."

 3.  "I'm beginning to think these Chakram earings were a mistake."

 2.  "Uma...Oprah, Oprah...Uma"

...and the number one thing you'll never hear Xena say is...

 1.  "Do what you want to Gabrielle, but leave me alone."


Note: At this point in Top Ten History the Home Office, lured by tax

breaks and a new stadium, moved from Amphipolis to Poteidaia.

from the Home Office now in sunny Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Ways Xena Would Be Different with Chris Farley in the Lead.

10.  Argo mysteriously replaced after each riding scene.

 9.  You thought Gabrielle was always hungry before.

 8.  Xena keeps getting accidentally dragged behind a chariot for no

     readily apparent reason.

 7.  Show canceled after 30 minutes.

 6.  Moved to Poteidaia or not, there is no number six.

 5.  Warcry now "Da Bears."

 4.  Doesn't use "Xena Touch" to extract information from bad guys,

     just sits on them.

 3.  The jump in leather prices after Xena's costume is made.

 2.  All those gravity defying one foot vertical leaps.

...and the number one way Xena would be different with Chris

   Farley in the lead is...

 1.  Xena still spews flames, but their not comin' out of her mouth.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Surprising Facts About Gabrielle.

10.  Learned the Pan Flute during brief stint as a roadie for Zamfir.

 9.  Actually went an hour without talking once.

 8.  Failed 'chanting' the first time she took it.

 7.  Middle name? Ethel.

 6.  There is no number six.

 5.  Real reason she doesn't like horses has something to do with a recuring

     dream involving a game of leap-frog with a unicorn.

 4.  Giggles uncontrolably every time someone uses the phrase 'Penal System.'

 3.  Favorite Food? Chee-tos.

 2.  Once considered changing her name to 'The Bard Formerly Known as


...and the number one surprising fact about Gabrielle is...

 1.  She's addicted to Melrose Place.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Surprises on Xena's Tax Returns.

10.  Dependents 3 - One Bard, One Horse, and One Chakram.

 9.  Claimed saddle repair as an entertainment expense.

 8.  Lost 5000 dinars investing in a Falafel Express franchise.

 7.  Lists ocupationas 'Hen Teaser.'

 6.  There is, as usual, no number six.

 5.  Picked up extra income making balloon animals at kids parties.

 4.  Large charitable contribution to "The Society to End Cruelty to the

     Pan Flute."

 3.  Filing a joint return with Salmoneous.

 2.  Paper work was done by H&R Blockius.

...and the number one surprise on Xena's tax returns is...

 1.  All those three fireball lunches she claimed as business expenses.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Signs Your Not Taking Xena Repeats Well.

10.  Get wasted on Zima every night just because it sounds kinda like Xena.

 9.  Police keep getting noise complaints about your 3am Pan Flute practice.

 8.  You drool like one of Pavol's dogs every time your e-mail bell

     goes off, hoping its from a Xena mailing list.

 7.  In physics class you start wonder, if you traveled at 50% of the

     speed of light causing time to run half as fast could you spend 48

     hours a day on the IRC.

 6.  You just don't have the energy to slam Baywatch anymore.

 5.  You only polish your Xena costume every other day.

 4.  You actually start to think that one day ET will give Xena real coverage.

 3.  After a trip to the ER, the doctor warns you that your diet must be made

     up of more than nutbread, tomatoes and cheese.

 2.  Couldn't get to the Xenafest in LA, decide to hold a Xenafest in your

     pants instead.

...and the number one sign your not taking Xena repeats well...

 1.  You actually put a number six in your top ten lists.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Godly Pick-Up Lines.

10.  "What's a nice Amazon like you doing in a campy golden-age of myth

     like this?"

 9.  "Actually that is a sword in my pocket, but I am glad to meet you."

 8.  "Ever done it with a deity?"

 7.  "Wana' be my sacrifical virgin?"

 6.  There is no number six.

 5.  "Could I materialize you a drink?"

 4.  "Come worship at my altar, Baby."

 3.  "I may be a Sun-God by day, but I'm a looove machine all night."

 2.  "A God?  No... I'm a talent scout for Star-Search."

...and the number one godly pick-up line is...

 1.  "Wana' see my thunderbolt?"


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Ways School Would Be Different with Xena as a teacher.

10.  Gym Class now includes manditory boar hunt.

 9.  Students must get parents permission before they can go on the

     Elyssian Field Trip.

 8.  Students keep trying the old "A hydra ate my homework" excuse.

 7.  Law of Gravity no longer taught in science class.

 6.  There is no number six.

 5.  In the lunch room every friday is falafel day.

 4.  School Uniform now togas.

 3.  Students engage in spirited games of 'Dodge-Chakram.'

 2.  Student who brings Xena doll to call is told "I hope you brought

     enough for everyone."

...and the number one way school would be different with Xena as a

   teacher is...

 1.  Penalty for cheating?  Ritual Disembowlment.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Ways the Oscars Would Have Been Different with Xena as Host.

10.  This year no one leaves empty handed, so Xena cuts the losers hands off.

 9.  Ceremony interupted by protestors complaining that no centaurs were

     nominated this year.

 8.  A confused Xena keeps punching out anyone who mentions 'Babe.'

 7.  Xena agrees to wear a red ribbon, keeps getting mistaken for Princess 


 6.  There is a number six, but his performance was shamefully overlooked

     by the nominating comittee.

 5.  The all Pan Flute Orchestra.

 4.  ET's Oscar night coverage mysteriously cut short.

 3.  Surprising number of cyclopes joke in the opening monologue.

 2.  Xena uses her Chakram to silence winners who's acceptance speeches run 

     to long.

...and the number one way the Oscars would have been different with Xena

   as host is...

 1.  Opening number saved when a hydra wanders on stage and eats Pia Izadora.

I have my list back.  Thanks Lilac, In appreciation

from the Home Office in Amphipolis...

The Top Ten Ways Lilac is a Great Human Being.

10.  Always holds the door for old ladies, injured persons, and gameshow hosts.

 9.  Snappy Dresser.

 8.  Has never blown up a Toys 'R' Us for being Xena doll-less.

 7.  Always has batteries to spare.

 6.  There is a number six.  But I wouldn't want you to get a swelled head.

 5.  World's only three time kidney donor.

 4.  Wasn't even in Republican Primaries, still had as many delegates

     as Dick Lugar.

 3.  Rarely strangles people for trying to sneak 15 items through the 

     12 items or less line.

 2.  Two Word: Xena Fan.

...and the number one way Lilac is a great human being is...

 1.  Replaced my lost list.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Surprises about the Trojan War.

10.  If the horse hadn't worked the Greeks were going to try building a large

     wooden rabbit.

 9.  Surprising number of FBI agents who showed up asking if it was the

     Freemen compound.

 8.  Greeks routinely tried to make the Trojans surrender by playing

     Pan Flutes 24 hours a day.

 7.  Of the thousand ships Helen's face lauched it turns out 734 were ships

     in bottles.

 6.  There was a number six, but since it was a cheap joke about contraceptives

     it was deleted.

 5.  Paris' mother was orginally going to name him London, but his father


 4.  Although the war was started over Helen, it continued when the two 

     sides couldn't resolve the "Less Filling" vs "Tastes Great" debate.

 3.  Greeks regularly held their war counsels at the International House of


 2.  In addition to many bloody battles, the Greeks and Trojans also held

     fierce spitting for distance contests.

...and the number one surprise about the Trojan War is...

 1.  Favorite game show of both sides? Wheel of Corpses.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Ways the Late Show Would be Different with Xena as Host.

10.  When Tony Danza tries to perform 'disco tap' Xena is forced to behead him.

 9.  Wahoo, Nebraska send 40 lbs. of frozen Falafels, trying to move

     the home office from Poteidaia.

 8.  New set features a large polynesian-style straw and bamboo horse.

 7.  Musical acompinment by Gabrielle and the CBS all Pan Flute Orchestra.

 6.  There is no number six.

 5.  Its above freezing in the Ed Sulivan Theatre.

 4.  Open segment contains unexpained glimpse of Poiseden.

 3.  Argo impounded because of continued speeding.

 2.  Person keeps breaking into her house then going to the ER with Chakram


...and the number one way the Late Show would be different with Xena as host


 1.  Next Door Neighbors? Mujibur and Salmoneus.


From the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Way Xena Would Be Different as an Animated Series.

10.  Xena and Gabrielle are now short, blue and use the word 'smurf' a

     frightening number of times per sentence.

 9.  Xena performs her gravity defying stunts by simply not looking down.

 8.  In addition to Xena and Gabrielle, cast features unneccessary comic relief,

     in the former of a pathetic warrior wanna-be -- Oh wait. Never mind.

 7.  Major recurring foes are a pair of lab mice that want to take over the


 6.  There was a number six, but Sesame Street needed it to sponsor an episode.

 5.  Instead of whistling Xena controls Argo by offering 'Scooby-Snaks.'

 4.  Xena now regularly defeats foes by dressing in implasible costumes and

     leading them off cliffs.

 3.  Opening sequence contains unexplained glimpse of Xena saluting the

     Little Mermaid.

 2.  Instead of throwing Chakram, Xena throws cream pies.

...and the number one way Xena would be different as an animated series is...

 1.  In "The Titans" the titans names are Wacko, Yacko and Dot.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Surprising Facts About Xenites.

10.  During lifetime will have at least one sexual encounter with a

     proffesional cricket player.

 9.  Can name more Xena cast members and guest stars than US Presidents.

 8.  Has spent more time looking for a Xena doll than bathing.

 7.  Unnervingly large number think Xena and Hercules are set during the


 6.  There is no number six.

 5.  Are sick and tired of the 'There is no number six' bit.

 4.  Has a sexual thought about Lucy once every - excuse me for a second -

     8.3 minutes.

 3.  Eats their own weight in Cheetos every year.

 2.  On average own 12.6 dogs.

...and the number one surprising fact about Xenites is...

 1.  Can't stand them no good Belgians.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Surprises on Xenite Tax Returns.

10.  Claimed Xena doll as dependent.

 9.  Most are filing joint returns with their Warhorse.

 8.  Most common ocupation listed as: Amazon Warrior.

 7.  Large Charitable contribution to Society to Save the Number Six.

 6.  There is a number six, but it was removed out of fear of an IRS audit.

 5.  Took $500 depreciation on Xena costume.

 4.  Earns money on the side sharpening swords and chakrams at home.

 3.  Claimed War Chariot as Business Expense.

 2.  Took medical deduction for IRC addiction.

...and the number one surprise on Xenite tax returns is...

 1.  Claimed Xena Tapes as medical expense -- for treatment of XWWS.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Surprising Facts about the Athens City Academy of the Performing


10.  School Mascot is a six-foot invisible rabbit named Harvey.

 9.  Currently under NCAA probation for wide-spread use of Bard enhancing drugs.

 8.  Most popular eatery: Papa Falafel's Pizzaria. 

 7.  Fraternity names are a random trio of english letters.

 6.  All together now.  There is no number six.

 5.  Wrist Dials are all the rage on campus this year.

 4.  Half of the students must retake the surprisingly difficult basket

     weaving course.

 3.  Every year students work themselves into a frenzy during the week

     leading up to the Homecoming game against the Spartan City Academy of

     the Performing Mime.

 2.  38% of all students intern with the National Enquirer.

...and the number one surprising fact about the Athen's City Academy of the

   Performing Bard is...

 1.  Actually located in Battle Creek, Michigan.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Way Xena would be different with Pamela Anderson Lee in the Lead.

10.  Xena now third smartest regular after Gabrielle and Argo.

 9.  Plastic surgeons now list in credits on the FX team.

 8.  Opening sequence now contains unexplained glimpse of David Hasselhoff

     sucking in his gut.

 7.  After punching someone Xena complains about chiping a nail.

 6.  There is no number six. Pam can't count that high.

 5.  Worldwide copper shortage after wardrobe make the chest piece.

 4.  Chakram replaced with Frisbee.

 3.  Trojan War becomes Trojan beach volleyball Tournament.

 2.  The 'Look' replaced with the 'Pout.'

...and the number one way Xena would be different with Pamela Anderson Lee

   in the lead is...

 1.  On the plus side, Gabrielle now has somewhere to stand when it rains.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Reasons Lord Bowler Has Been So Quiet Recently.

10.  Been sitting by the road waiting for the Olympic Torch to go by.

 9.  Has watched each new Xena episode an average of 128 times.

 8.  Took a wrong turn somewhere, accidentaly got a life.

 7.  In deep psychotherapy about his aversion to the number six.

 6.  It didn't help.  There is no number six.

 5.  Still repairing damage after Home Office set on fire by flaming drink.

 4.  Hey after 20+ lists this starts to get hard.

 3.  Ever since my arrest as the Unabomber things have been a bit hectic.

 2.  Been hiding in basement since seeing "Twister."

...and the number one reason Lord Bowler has been so quiet recently is...

 1.  Has become addicted to the Arch Deluxe.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Reasons Gabrielle's Hair Color Has Changed.

10.  Poteidaian Phar-Mor ran out of her 'natural' color.

 9.  Tired of being described as an irritating blonde.  Now hopes to be

     described as an irritating redhead.

 8.  Three Words: Dumb Blonde Jokes.

 7.  She's only been giving her hair 500 strokes a day.

 6.  There is a number six. But only her hairdresser knows for sure what it is.

 5.  Producers decide actresses' hair color should match their outfits.  Just

     be glad Gabby isn't still in the teel outfit.

 4.  Hey Xena likes things dark.

 3.  Used up all her peroxide cleaning battle wounds.

 2.  Xena's bottle of Chakram polish, looks a little too much like a

     bottle of Breck.

...and the number one is...

 1.  Turns out she's a huge Lucy fan.

from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Reasons "Is there a Doctor..." Has Been Delayed.

10.  Long standing Standards & Practices complaint about the "Ambrosia

     Wrestling" Scene.

 9.  MCA Vice President in Charge of Scheduling's family kidnapped by

     fanatical 'Baywatch' fans hoping sabotauge Xena.

 8.  Only copy of the show mysteriously disappears after ET visits MCA Lot to

     do story on 'Coach.'

 7.  They knew Beastmaster would look lame by comparision - which won't prevent

     it from just looking lame, of course.

 6.  There is a number six. But it has been mysteriously delayed.

 5.  Afraid entire fan-base will otherwise died of XSWS, MCA moves episode to 


 4.  Wanting directorial debut to be a good one, Argo keeps re-editing it.

 3.  To put it simply: MCA is run by a bunch of sadists.

 2.  Baseless Warner Bros. suit claiming story is lifted from an episode of ER,

     when it was actually lifted from an episode of St Elsewhere.

...and the number one reason "Is there a Doctor..." has been delayed is...

 1.  Massive reshooting after Research determines most ancient Greek

     hospitals don't have Heart/Lung Machines.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Signs the Warrior You Hired to Protect Your Village is Joxer.

10.  Wakes up in the middle of the night begging Gabrielle to stop hitting him.

 9.  When you first see his nose you think he's eating a tomato.

 8.  Runs himself through with his own sword.

 7.  Keeps mumbling something about how 'Life is like a box of chocolates.'

 6.  His boots are labeled 'left' and 'right.'

 5.  His feet are labeled 'left' and 'right.'

 4.  There is no number four. Joxer can't get anything right.

 3.  Instead of praticing with sword, pratices begging not to be killed.

 2.  Most effective weapon is his breath.

...and the number one sign the warrior you hired to protect your village

   is Joxer is...

 1.  You find him in the kitchen using his helmet to drain pasta.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Items On Gabrielle's To Do List.

10.  Try and recall where I left Amazon War staff.

 9.  Get captured by a Warlord and held at knife point.

 8.  Join Xena in fighting off daily ambush.

 7.  Its Thursday, meet nice guy, fall in love, watch him die.

 6.  There is no number six.

 5.  Stick pins in Callisto doll.

 4.  Practice Pan Flute

 3.  Chase everone down, promise to stop practicing Pan Flute.

 2.  Go into town, try to score some Henbane.

...and the number one item on Gabrielle's to do list is...

 1.  Eat.


from the Adult Book Store Next Door to the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Only Slightly Naughty Top Ten Signs You Had Sex with Xena Last Night.

10.  There are whips and manacles scattered all over your bedroom and yours

     are at the cleaners.

 9.  There's nothing but Bulgarian Woman's Choral Music in your CD Changer.

 8.  Gabby keeps giving you knowing looks. 

 7.  Argo stops by and asks for her saddle back.

 6.  There is a number six, but since it involves a box of Jello(TM) Pudding

     Pops you'll have to use your imagination.

 5.  Next door nieghbor asks you what all that Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi-ing last

     night was about.

 4.  All you're pillows have sword holes in them.

 3.  You spend the whole day buffing chakram marks out of your ceiling.

 2.  You hear on the news that Hell actually did freeze over.

...and the only slightly naughty number one sign you had sex with Xena

   last night is...

 1.  There's a smile on you're face a root canal couldn't remove.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Signs Xena Has Gone Soft.

10.  Gets hair cut like Dorthy Hamel.

 9.  Trades in sword for Nerf bat.

 8.  Only kicks enemys in the groin every other episode.

 7.  Trades in Argo for a Volvo station wagon.

 6.  There is no number six.

 5.  Stops adventuring, opens 'Xena's House of Embroidery.'

 4.  Starts using bubble bath when she teachs Gabby to fish.

 3.  Joxer actually gets through an episode with his nose intact.

 2.  Stops cutting off blood to brain to get info, Starts giving Wedgies

     to get info.

...and the number one sign Xena has gone soft is...

 1.  Stops throwing chakram, starts throwing Tupperware parties.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Signs Xena Has Been Using Your Computer.

10.  Corpse of assassin lying on top of your monitor.

 9.  You are now subscribed to the newsgroup alt.leather.bloodstains.removal.

 8.  You're now receiving junk e-mail from asking for a job.

 7.  Your password is now arg0rules.

 6.  There is a number six. But to annoy Veronica Arreola I'm omitting it.

 5.  Computer now Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi's at start-up.

 4.  Laserjet now loaded with Greek fonts.

 3.  Hard drive clogged with JPEG's of ancient weapons.

 2.  High score on DOOM is now held by XWP.

...and the number one sign Xena has been using your computer is...

 1.  There's a Chakram jammed into your CD-ROM Drive.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Not So Surprising Facts About Joxer.

10.  Has killed dozens of men -- unfortunately they were all on his side.

 9.  He still wets his bed.

 8.  First cousin of 'Brave' Sir Robin.

 7.  He's better at Fighting than at Stealing or Fishing.

 6.  Gets bulk discounts on nose jobs.

 5.  There is no number five.  Joxer can't get anything right.

 4.  His dagger isn't the only thing thats abnormally small.

 3.  Claims to come from a "long line of Warlords" actually comes from a 

     long line of draft dodgers. (insert Clinton joke here.)

 2.  Turns out 'Joxer' is Greek for 'Back End of Horse.'

...and the number one not so surprising fact about Joxer is...

 1.  His other suit of armor is also a piece of crap.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Ways Xena Would Be with Sean Connery in the Lead.

10.  Keeps introducing herself as Warrior Princess... Xena Warrior Princess.

 9.  War Cry now "We sail into history!"

 8.  For some odd reason enemy fortresses all come equipped with a shark tank.

 7.  Keeps apologising for Zardoz.

 6.  Number six has been declared Top Secret.

 5.  Enemys keep wondering why she sounds so much like that dragon they ran

     into last week.

 4.  Argo now fitted with smoke-screen generator and a grenade launcher.

 3.  Turns out the Chakram was originally developed by Q-Branch.

 2.  Only spews flames using vodka martini's shaken not stirred.

...and the number one way Xena would be different with Sean Connery in the 

   lead is...

 1.  Leather mini-dresses out, tuxedoes in.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Reasons Your Mom Might Object to you Marrying Xena.

10.  That embarrassing first meeting when they both showed up wearing the 

     exact same outfit.

 9.  Thinks she some kind of golddigger, when actually that's the actress

     who plays her. ;)

 8.  If you get married you'll move to the Golden Age of Myth and see'll

     never hear from you anymore.

 7.  Two words: Chakram Envy.

 6.  No surprise here, there is no number six.

 5.  Xena's insistance that Gabrielle provide the music at the wedding.

 4.  Does want her grandkids to be raised as pagan warriors, would rather

     have them grow up to be lawyers -- as if there's a difference.

 3.  That misunderstanding where the mailman was beheaded.

 2.  Upset by all the bloody weapons you receive as Wedding presents.

...and the number one reason your mother might object to you marrying Xena 


 1.  She's a fictional character.


from the Home Office in Poteidaia...

The Top Ten Reasons Gabrielle Doesn't Have a Horse.

10.  Still trying to break in boots.

 9.  Turns out Tilly is a real Prima Dona.

 8.  Hey she couldn't even keep track of that Amazon Warstaff and you want

     to trust her with a horse?

 7.  She just can't decide on a color.

 6.  Horse number six was scratched minutes before the race.  Those of you

     holding betting slips on it can return them for a refund.

 5.  Doesn't want to get a horse only to have it stolen so she's waiting for

     'The Club' for Horses to get off back order.

 4.  Keeps falling and breaking nose -- sorry that's one of the top ten

     reasons Joxer doesn't have a horse.

 3.  Still in mourning over her pony, Tympany.

 2.  Failed at parrallel parking when trying to get her liceance.

...and the number one reason Gabrielle doesn't have a horse is...

 1.  You know that expression "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse?"

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