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by Crusade
smcrusade@earthlink.net
Xena and Gabrielle are back to back fighting off foes in their usual manner.
XENA: How are you doing Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE: The truth is, Xena...
Gabrielle tripping and beating an enemy soldier.
GABRIELLE: It's a little early for this much exercise. I haven't had my Wheaties yet.
XENA: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Xena stabbing and kicking the assualting warlord's second.
GABRIELLE: Aren't contract negotiations coming up soon?
XENA: It's useless, the reason Sam hired me is because I was the strongest local with the cheapest fee.
GABRIELLE: Yeah, but I'm not even supposed to be a warrior. I was hired because I'm a multitalented bard who looks good in...
Suddenly Xena and Gabrielle find themselves spiraling through time and place. Spinning like two chakram's across the timeline.
GOTHAM CITY - DUSK
Catwoman is jumping fire escapes in an alley, heading toward a thug robbing a defenseless woman (who didn't know to stay out of dark alleys at night).
Xena and Gabrielle land, alla Sliders fashion, in the middle of the alley.
GABRIELLE: A grecian halter top.
Gabrielle looks at Xena dazed. Xena looks back with a Xena I'm-in-control-even-though-I-don't-know-where-I-am look.
XENA: Gabrielle. Are you alright?
GABRIELLE: I think so. Now I know how a chakram feels! How's my hair?
XENA: You look beautiful. Where are we?
GABRIELLE: Really? You think I look beautiful? You've never said anything before.
At the sight of Xena and Gabrielle landing in the alley, the thug and the woman run off together.
Catwoman swings down in front of our dynamic duo.
XENA: Stand back Gabrielle.
CATWOMAN: What have we here? A couple of Hell's Angels?
XENA: What?
GABRIELLE: Hell is the euphemism they use here to discuss the underworld.
XENA: I've been there. I don't remember seeing any angels.
CATWOMAN : A wise guy, huh. Maybe you're a member of Dykes On Bikes (pointing to Xena), and she's your (okay - that's ALL the lesbian reference you get.)..
XENA: Who are you?
GABRIELLE: Look at her costume Xena! (Gab laughs) She's dressed like a panther.
Xena begins to chuckle too, but holds it back with a smirk.
CATWOMAN: I'm a cat, not a panther. My name is...
GABRIELLE: Oh, excuse meee. A Cat... (Gab laughs hysterically).
CATWOMAN: Catwoman.
At this, both Xena and Gabrielle begin laughing so hard they have to hold their sides.
GABRIELLE: Cat...ha ha ha... cat...oooo, hahaha...Catwoman?!
CATWOMAN: And just what is so funny?
XENA: Well...you are. (Xena snickers)
CATWOMAN: Uhuh. Well, have you looked in the mirror lately?!
XENA: (Turning to Gabrielle) Has my breast plate slipped?
GABRIELLE: No. You look beautiful.
XENA: You're such a great sidekick.
GABRIELLE: Thanks. And you're a great...
Catwoman lunges at Xena.
CATWOMAN: Enough!
Catwoman takes a swing at Xena, and gets in one hit before Xena unleashes her fighting prowess. The two woman kick, hit, and slap each other around while Gabrielle stands back, staff in hand.
Xena finds Catwoman a fair match, and after an undisclosed amount of time, the two women tire of fighting victorless. They each stand back, checking each other out with disdain and admiration.
GABRIELLE: Wow, Catwoman! You're really good!
Xena shoots a surprised look over at Gabrielle.
CATWOMAN: Thank you. (Turning to Xena) You're very good.
XENA: I have to be. It's my job.
CATWOMAN: What is it that you do exactly?
XENA: Exactly?
GABRIELLE: She's Xena: Warrior Princess. In a land in turmoil, she's the one who's going to save the day!
CATWOMAN: Princess, huh?! Last time a princess came through here Luke and Laura were...(ah, that's another story).
Directing herself to Gabrielle.
CATWOMAN: And who are you?
GABRIELLE: I'm Gabrielle, Xena's friend, sidekick, bard-extraordinnaire, and warrior in training!
CATWOMAN: I had a sidekick once, Arizona. But she left. Not enough excitement for our readership.
XENA: What do you mean by readership?
CATWOMAN: I'm a comic, you know!
XENA: Hmm.
CATWOMAN: You don't get out much do you? A comic - a story told in cartoon form on paper...
GABRIELLE: (with interest in her voice) You live on papyrus?! That is way cool!
Xena looks at Gabrielle.
GABRIELLE: Isn't that cool Xena?!
Xena looks hurt.
XENA: You really like her don't you Gabrielle?
GABRIELLE: Yeah. She's pretty, a great fighter, and she lives on papyrus! People can look at her anytime they want, not just once a week for 40 minutes.
XENA: I'll understand if you want to be her sidekick instead.
Gabrielle stops to consider the possibility just a moment. Catwoman looks on curiously.
CATWOMAN: Hey, you're cute. I'm sure the illustrators wouldn't mind drawing you in.
Gabrielle looks at Xena, who is trying to hide the fact she's wiping a tear away.
GABRIELLE: Nah. Thanks for the offer. But, well...Xena needs me.
XENA: (trying to sound unaffected) I do?
GABRIELLE: Yeah! Who else are you going to save in every show? Salmoneous? He'd never look good with his navel showing! Besides - we go together, we're a team, like Hercules and Iolaus...
CATWOMAN: Batman and Robin...
GABRIELLE: Lucy and Ethel.
XENA: Now there's a thought.
EXT. - BACK ALLEY IN GOTHAM CITY - NIGHT
Xena, Gabrielle, and Catwoman have made peace.
CATWOMAN: Well, it seems you ladies aren't going to be going home for awhile. Let's go hit the town.
GABRIELLE: Hit the town? Hey, we're good fighters, but....
XENA: She means go get a drink.
GABRIELLE: Oh. I knew that.
CATWOMAN: (to Gabby) I'd suggest you leave your stick here.
GABRIELLE: My wha...? Oh, my staff. You mean my amazon-princess-kickass-stick.
Xena holds back a smile.
XENA: Wait a minute. You're not intending on going into a pub dressed like an animal are you?
CATWOMAN: No. I was planning on going into a bar dressed like an animal.
Xena looks at Catwoman with a don't-be-a-smartass look.
CATWOMAN: I know a back alley joint that caters to super heros, villians, and geeks in wierd costumes.
GABRIELLE: You'd better be referring to Xena as a super hero.
CATWOMAN: And what about you?
GABRIELLE: Well, uh...yeah, me too!
Gabby turns to Xena and whispers.
GABRIELLE: Xena? What's a geek?
XENA: Greek, Gabrielle. She said Greeks in weird costumes.
INT. - DARK SMOKEY BAR - NIGHT
Cigarettes burn in ash trays all around the room. A billiards table sits off near a corner with some ruffians playing pool.
XENA: Catwoman, what's that stench in here?
CATWOMAN: Some of Riddler's men.
GABRIELLE: A poet and his bard friends - how nice. Maybe I'll go say hi.
Gabrielle starts to walk off toward the billiards table. Catwoman and Xena stand at the bar.
CATWOMAN: (to barkeep) Zima!
XENA: What?
CATWOMAN: What?
XENA: I said what? What do you want?
CATWOMAN: Nothing.
Barkeep walks by Catwoman. She calls out.
CATWOMAN: ZIMA!
XENA: What?! What do you want?!
CATWOMAN: Nothing! What do you want?!
Barkeep starts to walk buy again, ignoring Catwoman. Xena pounds her fist on the bar.
XENA: I want an ale!
Turning to Catwoman, Xena asks...
XENA: What do you want?
CATWOMAN: I want...uh, beer. Just get me a beer.
A commotion starts up over at the billiards table. Riddler's men are trying to "pick up" Gabby. She's trying to get literary information.
GABRIELLE: So guys, just what kind of poetry do you write?
HOODLUM #1: Poetry? ha ha.
HOODLUM #2: I once wrote a Haiku in third grade.
HOODLUM #1: We don't write poetry, pretty lady. We murder helpless chicks.
GABRIELLE: You're chicken mercenaries?
HOODLUM #2: Our boss is da Riddler.
GABRIELLE: Oh, so your boss writes the poetry. And you kill chickens?
HOODLUM #1: Not chickens... chi....
Xena and Catwoman walk over.
XENA: Gabrielle!
HOODLUM #1: Whoa, lookie here. Three dames!
HOODLUM #2: Yeah, three....
XENA: Who are you calling dames?
Xena puts her hands in front of her, in a karate stance, and motions the two hoodlums to attack. They look at each other and grin. As they move toward Xena, Catwoman moves Gabrielle to the wall and stands in front of her protectively, claws out and ready to scratch Xenašs leftovers. Xena notices Catwoman protecting Gabrielle. Just as the two hoodlums lunge for Xena, Batman and Robin leap in front of her and start fighting the Riddler's men.
BATMAN: (hitting Hoodlum#1 - KAPOW!) Donšt worry ladies. I _ am _ Batman. And (BOINK) _ this _ is my sidekick _ Robin.
ROBIN: (kicking Hoodlum #2 - KERPLATT) Goodevening.
BATMAN: Don't _ worry _ about these (SPLATT) hoodlums. Robin and _ I will _ protect _ you.
Xena gives an I-can't-believe-how-dorky-these-two-are look to Gabrielle, who is still standing behind Catwoman. You see, the Batman and Robin who dropped in on the fight were none other than our two hero's from the 1960's tv show.
Somehow, Hoodlum#2 has grabbed Robin, and Hoodlum #1 is pummeling him while Batman tries to fight them off.
XENA: Give me a break!
Xena jumps into the fray, screaming YiYiYiYiYi! With one punch each, the hoodlums are knocked out.
BATMAN: I _ don't _ know _ who _ you are, but thank you.
ROBIN: Holy Right Hooks Batman! Did you see how she kicked their...
BATMAN: Robin (pause), please. There are Ladies present.
ROBIN: You're right Batman, my manners. (Turning to Catwoman and Gabrielle, mainly Gabrielle) I apologize for my lack of manners. (pause) But Batman! That leather-clad woman whooped their butts in less time than it takes us to get down the bat poles!
BATMAN: Yes, Robin. I know. She has great prowess for a...
XENA: You'd best not say "woman", or I'll lay you to rest alongside them. (pointing to the hoodlums on the floor in a heap)
BATMAN: Yes _ well _ it appears, Robin, that it is time for us to go.
ROBIN: But Batman. (pointing to Gabrielle) She's so pretty. (Robin swoons)
BATMAN: Robin _ it's _ not polite to _ point.
XENA: (muttering to herself) These pubecent males get on my nerves. (sigh)
BATMAN: Catwoman _ I _ am _ sorry that we didn't get to _ tangle this time. Perhaps _ another _ day.
GABRIELLE: Who could tango in here?! (As if anyone was listening.)
Batman and Robin leave as quickly, and bizarrely as they arrived. Xena moves to the other side of the billiard table, closer to Catwoman and Gabrielle. Xena looks at Gabrielle with her piercing blue eyes as if Gabrielle should have known better, and then at Catwoman with a hint of venom. Gabrielle looks back at Xena sheepishly, and with a look of what-am-I-supposed-to-know-better about.
XENA: Gabrielle. What is this? (Xena stands stoically, referring to Gabrielle being protected by Catwoman)
GABRIELLE: I don't understand Xena. What is what?
CATWOMAN: (annoyed that she hasn't had any dialogue until now) Donšt tell me your jealous Xena.
XENA: I don't get jealous.
GABRIELLE: Xena! What is wrong with you?
XENA: Did you think I didnšt notice how Catwoman stood between you and the danger?
GABRIELLE: Geez, lighten up. She was just being friendly.
XENA: Oh, is that wha...
CATWOMAN: Tsk. Tsk. Xena. Are you so threatened by my strength, and femininity?
GABRIELLE: Ah, Xena's not threatened by anyth....(Gabrielle looks over at Xena and sees Xena looks upset) Xena?
XENA: What?! (Xena speaks curtly)
GABRIELLE: Is what Catwoman is saying true?
GABRIELLE: Xena, I said... is what Catwoman says true?
Before Xena can answer however, a loud blaring musical intro sounds, and the front door of the bar swings open. In walks Batgirl, clad in a tight leather jumper with killer heels and a leather Harley jacket. As she struts into the bar, the men around her drop to the floor like flies. All heads have turned to look at this crime-fighting vixen.
CATWOMAN: Oh great! I may never have lines in MY OWN PARODY again.
XENA: (still watching Batgirl in awe, but reacting to Catwoman) Your parody?! I've had it up to here (Xena moves her right hand up to her throat and we here the swoosh sound of special effects). First you try to ensnare my best friend and side ki...
CATWOMAN: Ensnare?!
XENA: (watching Catwoman now) Uhem!...side kick, and now you're trying to ENSNARE my parody as well?!
Batgirl has walked up to where Xena is standing, but is standing behind her, listening with a smile upon her lips.
GABRIELLE: Uh, Xena. (Gab nods to Xena)
XENA: Excuse me Gabrielle, this doesn't concern you.
GABRIELLE: Excuse me, Xena, it does. But that's not my point. THAT GIRL is standing behind you.
Suddenly from inside a late night ep of Nick At Night, Marlo Thomas is whirrled through space and lands atop Batgirl. Xena swirls around, arms and hand ready for battle. Then she sees Marlo trying to get up off of Batgirl.
MARLO: Hey, who are you? Wherešs my boyfriend?
CATWOMAN: Apparently you've stumbled way beyond any boundaries you're used to! There don't appear to be ANY boyfriends here.
MARLO: Oh. Well then, would someone please take me back home? I need my Donald.
BATGIRL: Sure, honey. I'll take you home to your Donald. Just come with me, my bike is parked outside.
Batgirl wraps her arm through Marlo's arm and they walk out of the bar together. All the men who had fallen had finally gotten back up. As Batgirl strides through the bar towards the door, in her leather tights, killer heels, and Harley jacket, they all fall back down to the floor. Swoon - drop! Swoon - drop!
Xena, Catwoman, and Gabrielle watch as Batgirl and Marlo leave. Then Gabrielle lowers her head and looks down at the floor, searching for something to say.
GABRIELLE: Xena?
Xena looks back at Gabby. Gabrielle steps away from Catwoman and stands between she and Xena. Xena notices that Gabrielle is feeling hurt and confused.
XENA: (empathetically, while trying to still be stoic) Yes, Gabrielle?
Gabrielle pauses a moment, and both she and Xena begin to speak at the same time. Catwoman looks on in amazement.
XENA/GAB: I'm sorry.
Xena motions Gabrielle to come closer and Gabby walks up to her. Xena puts her arm around Gabrielle, and Gabrielle hugs back.
CATWOMAN: Oh, that's touching. What do you call that?! A sisterly hug?
Xena gives Catwoman THE look. Gabrielle gets one of her sweet, kinda goofy smiles on her face. Just as the touching scene is ending, there is a loud noise outside, reminiscent of metal crashing. Xena and Catwoman run toward the door and then outside. Gabrielle stands there, near the billiards table, and shrugs her shoulders.
GABRIELLE: Well now, everything seems to be back in order.
A dirty, unshaven, and semi toothless man (once an extra on X:WP) standing at the bar eyes Gabrielle standing alone. He smiles and begins to walk toward her. Seeing him, Gabrielle starts to run for the door herself.
GABRIELLE: Xeeena! Wait for meeee!
