Intimate Strangers from ARGO'S POV

FADE IN -

EXT. FOREST NIGHT

Xena and Gabrielle walk. Gabrielle pulls Argo along.

ARGO
Why did you have to wake me up? It's the middle of the night, for the gods's sakes! Come on! You know, did you ever stop to think that *I'm* the one doing all the hard work, I need my rest. You think it's easy carrying the two of you?
(snorts and stamps her foot, pulls back from Gabrielle)
You know I don't like YOU leading me around anyway.

GABRIELLE
Come on, girl.

ARGO
At least you finally realized I was a girl.

XENA
Callisto's coming back to get her army. But I'm going to beat her to it.

ARGO
It's so obvious you're not the real Xena. You don't even smell the same. Maybe I can get the talking one to figure it out if I neigh really loud.
(neighs really loud)

GABRIELLE
What's the matter, girl?
(Argo neighs again)
Something's wrong with Argo.

ARGO
Duh.

GABRIELLE
(to Xena)
I think you should take her reins.

ARGO
You know, normally I would prefer that, but she's not Xena!

XENA
No no, you hold her.

ARGO
Thank the gods.

XENA
She's picking up on my feelings. She was like this the last time I went up against Callisto.

ARGO
I was?

XENA
Gabrielle, I have something to tell you. You should have killed Callisto.

GABRIELLE
What?
(Argo neighs)

ARGO
*She's* Callisto.

XENA
You had every right to, not me.

Argo neighs again.

ARGO
Gabrielle, *she's* Callisto.

Gabrielle glances at Argo briefly, then looks back to Xena.

ARGO
Oh great, now they're ignoring me. Thanks! Thanks so much. You know what, Gabrielle, I'm not gonna try and help you anymore, fine! That's it. No more.

XENA
...I've never felt so...helpless...

ARGO
(watches Xena walk off)
Bye bye, Callisto.

INT. FOREST - DAY

Xena tries to get Gabrielle to fight. Argo stands behind them.

XENA
(to Gabrielle)
You are PATHETIC.

ARGO
I'm bored.

GABRIELLE
I think I'm going to be sick.

ARGO
Join the club. I haven't eaten in three days.

Watches Xena walk off, after she hands Gabrielle the staff with the knife on it.

ARGO
Oh, Gabrielle, she's off to go meet Ares. I can see them fighting around the way over there...You know, if they could only understand me, we would never have any of these problems.
(flicks her tail)
Whatever. I'm not the one writing here.

LATER -

Xena comes back, readjusting her leather.

ARGO
Did you enjoy your *roll in the hay* with Ares? You were only gone five minutes.

XENA
We have to get moving.

GABRIELLE
Right - I'll get Argo.

XENA
No. Argo has to stay here. She hasn't been herself. I don't want her getting hurt because of me.
(looks evily at Argo)

ARGO
Hmm, I wonder what's going to happen now.

GABRIELLE
Are you sure? I mean, she's been a little skittish -

ARGO
Gabrielle, just leave, she wants to get me alone so she can hurt me.

Gabrielle walks off.

ARGO
Wow, you finally listened to me.

Xena turns to Argo.

ARGO
Gabrielle? You can come back now.

Xena continues on towards Argo.

ARGO
Oh no. Get away Callisto, move it.
(tries to pull away from the tree)
Damn! Why did Gabrielle even tie me up? Have I EVER tried to run away where I wasn't supposed to? And now psycho-Xena's after me. Help! Where's Joxer when you need him? I *cannot* believe I just said that.

XENA
You can't figure it out, can you?

ARGO
I figured it out hours ago, thank you.

XENA
I look like Xena. I even SMELL like Xena.

ARGO
Actually, you don't. I said that before.

XENA
But something tells you I'm not.
(holds up her canteen)

ARGO
Don't you even think about it -
(Xena splashes the water on Argo)
I CANNOT believe you did that! My mane!

XENA
Poor dumb animal.

ARGO
Oh, Gabrielle just left! She went - that way.

XENA
You don't know what's going on. You don't know whether to run or stay.

ARGO
Do I look like I have a choice? I'm tied up!

XENA
Well, you should have run.
(slashes at Argo)

ARGO
This is so fitting. I guess it is my turn.

Argo blacks out.

LATER -

Argo lays on her side as Callisto approaches.

CALLISTO
It's gonna be okay, girl, it is. I'm so sorry. What did she do to you?

ARGO
Xena! You're back! You're - blond.

CALLISTO
Hold still, hold still. Easy, girl.
(looks up)
I know what she was trying to do. But it's not gonna work.

Continues staring off into the distance.

ARGO
Xena? I'm down here. Hello? Help.

Callisto gets up and gets some tree sap. Joxer blocks her way.

CALLISTO
Joxer.

ARGO
Joxer? Where were you an hour ago, you jerk!

JOXER
(to Callisto)
Stay back, I mean it. That's Xena's horse. And I don't know what you did to her, but I'm not going to give you a chance to finish the job.

ARGO
Aw, well, that's kinda sweet. Maybe I was wrong about him.

CALLISTO
Joxer. Put your sword down and I'll explain.

JOXER
Over my dead body.

ARGO
Oh, Joxer! I'm blushing.

JOXER
Maybe.

ARGO
Kill him, Xena!

Callisto dispatches of Joxer and goes back to Argo.

CALLISTO
Okay, girl. This might hurt a bit, but I have to put it against... your lung.

ARGO
Great.

Callisto pushes the sap against Argo. Joxer returns and Callisto explains what's been going on.

CALLISTO
Argo won't die.

ARGO
No way! It wouldn't be a show without me!

CALLISTO
Thank you. Only someone with a brave heart would stand up to Callisto for a horse.

ARGO
"A horse"? Why did you say it like that? More people write fan letters to me than Joxer!

Argo remains on the ground as Joxer and Xena get up.

ARGO
You are NOT just going to leave me here, are you? When Gabrielle was mortally wounded, you freaked out.

CALLISTO
You'll be okay, girl. We'll be back soon.

They walk off.

ARGO
Don't feel guilty or anything leaving me, I know you won't!!!!

Argo looks around the clearing once they've gone.

ARGO
This is so unfair.

LATER -

EXT. CAMP - NIGHT

Joxer stands in front of Argo.

JOXER
You'll be okay, Argo.

ARGO
Where's Xena? I want to have a few words with her. I have a little bone to pick about that whole "just leaving me there" thing.

JOXER
No, no, don't bother thanking me.

ARGO
Don't worry, I won't.

JOXER
I was just risking my life for you is all, you know, when Xena was Callisto, I mean when Callisto was Xena -

ARGO
I see your lips moving, but I can't hear the words.

CALLISTO
Joxer.
(takes Argo's reins, pets her)
It's me, Joxer.

ARGO
Thank the gods. Don't EVER leave me alone with him again.

CALLISTO
Again, I want to thank you for protecting Argo. You were very heroic.

ARGO
Why are you being nice to him?

Gabrielle approaches.

CALLISTO
Gabrielle, this can't be easy for you. If you don't want to come with me, I understand!

ARGO
YES!!!!! YES!!!! Things'll be back to the way they were! Just you and me, Xena. I don't care if you're blond now. It'll just be me and you again - NO TALKING!!! Please, please say you won't come, please please....

GABRIELLE
No, it's gonna take some getting used to...

ARGO
Dang.

They all start walking.

GABRIELLE
I dreamt a wonderful story last night. You want to hear it?

ARGO
No. Not that you'll listen to me.

Gabrielle begins talking. They all walk on.

ARGO
(sighs)
Back to normal. Oh well. Maybe next ep, *I* can switch minds with Gabrielle and no one would ever talk! Yeah, that's a great idea!!!! TYLDUS!!!!!!

FADE OUT -

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