Agony

Disclaimer:
Xena and Gabrielle are owned and sometimes even battery operated by MCA/Universal/Renaissance, but we in the Xenaverse love them more I bet. *G*

Warning -
Beyond...way, way, way beyond subtext. This whole series is about intense feelings.

Underage? Please leave. Old enough to know better? Young enough to do it again and again?

Stay, but please read this for more than just the sexual content. Love isn’t just mush folks. It can be raw, untamed, unconquerable...and painful. This series is about the more wild and intense feelings of love. Enjoy.

Finally, Agony came out of a poem Silk wrote on New Year’s Day 1999. The title of which is Love’s Agony. Quite a coincidence, hmm?

My soul weeps
tears that I strive against
but cannot control

I yearn for you
to touch and hold
to smile and laugh with

But I see your eyes
looking outward
away from me

I have no armor to protect me
you've bared my walls
harming me with your nearness

And so I drown
striving to remain
alive in this sea of misery

Perhaps I should leave
but I can't bear the pain
of losing you

Our thighs slide through slick wetness as we move together. Two shadows, barely visible, the full moon hidden behind the canopy of trees above. Silvery beams dance and play over our bare bodies. Slight wisps of steam rising from overheated flesh.

Timeless passion courses through our veins as we melt into one, but still...even as she touches me in all my favorite places, even as she takes my breath away with one kiss after another, still I find myself craving for more than she is giving me.

"I need..." I try to speak, but the words are lost to me. Desperately I press deeper into her with my thigh, letting her ride me harder. More...I need more!

Both of our voices are roughened by passion's heat and I can barely hear either of them above the pounding of our hearts.

"It's not enough!" The agony is almost palpable in my cry. I look into her eyes, and see my lover’s heart breaking to hear the words.

"Not...not enough. I need more. Pleassssee?" My desperation is becoming too much for me. The love and the passion that I feel so intensely, blossoms into a pain deep inside.

She kisses me, our tongues warring with each other, as she moves her hand between us.

I beg and plead with her, my body grinding hard against her own, arching toward those fingers that are almost...

For a moment I am lost, my skin still feeling the touch of my dream lover, my body immersed in the taste and scent of her.

I turn towards the glowing fire and look at the woman with whom I travel. My companion. My confidant. My friend.

The woman whom I love more than life. Whom I’ve returned from the clutches of Death herself for and who I’d die for again.

I close my eyes, for a brief instant, at the wave of pain that washes over and through me.

That’s all I can call it, for there is no other word to express what exactly I feel when I look at her.

She looks at me and sees only what I’ve been for her these last few years, but when I look at her I see everything I want to touch and hold, everything that I want to love. Not just her body, but her soul and heart as well.

The longing I have for her feels almost alive inside of me, like an unborn child trying to claw its way out of my belly and into my chest. It covers me, smothers me, drowning me in its dark, hungry embrace, threatening to devour me from the inside out and destroy my sanity.

Some moments are harder than others, like when she smiles or when her eyes sparkle in the light.

Or when she’s just lying there, her face relaxed in slumber, the embers of the banked fire making her glow almost surreally...like it does now.

It spikes up inside of me, this pain called love, as my eyes travel over her. Even from here my senses are overloaded with her presence.

The night breeze sweeps over the flowering hillside beyond, blowing over her slumbering form and bringing with it her sweet scent. I see her eyes tremble with dreams, like the flutter of a dove's wings.

In my imagination and with memories fresh from my own dream, I can hear her voice. It comes from everywhere, from all things that surround me, even the most silent of things. I feel her touch as the sun warms my skin and I taste her love, like the wildest of honey. But all of my senses pale beside one other. As I close my eyes, shut out all the sounds of the night, and ignore all sensation and smell, the love that blossoms within me is utterly overwhelming.

I can deep inside her, see everything there laid out for me, but more importantly, I see her within me.

I just wish I could share this with her, tell her I love her, but I dare not. For to me, even more precious than her love, is her friendship. I can’t...I won’t hurt her again. Too much has passed between us already and to confide in her what is in my heart would have her look upon me differently.

But being near her, seeing her, touching her...it’s so painful. Like a raging forest fire destroying all within its path, these primal feelings I have for her burn within my belly and threaten to sear my heart. It burns within my belly and threatens to sear my heart. When I look at her, my body grows too hot and my skin begins to crawl, as if it’s too tight for me. I want nothing more than to shed it and crawl within her. I want and I need to be that close to her.

So intense are my feelings that I am afraid that I will die from them. Its ferocity grows and grows inside of me, until I need to scream. These are the moments that I fear most, for my love and need for her are so strong that I have to get away. I have to separate myself from her in any way that I can.

The air keeps escaping from me in great plumes in the cool night, only the chill coming in keeps me from catching ablaze.

Without even realizing it, I raise my arm and reach for her. Long strands drift under my fingers like fine spider’s silk and I shudder violently, pulling my hand back just enough so that she won’t feel it.

Love and Lust, they’re almost twins. Both are fiery hot to the touch and smooth as silk to the kiss, but love...oh love is far more painful. I thought I knew what it meant before, I really did, and perhaps I had known love, but never in this awe inspiring and dreadful quanity.

Again my fingers touch down and caress her hair, this time more dangerously for I let the strands run deep between my fingers.

It is a whisper, barely louder than a breeze, but to my ears it is a scream. I bare my heart, letting all of my emotions rise like the swell of a raging tide. Its force radiating from me like the sun, threatening to burn me alive.

Sighing in her sleep, she turns towards me, her face relaxed and peaceful. Even in my clearest dreams, I can't remember her beauty as well as when I look at her. Her breath flutters across my skin and I scream silently, unable to stand it any longer...I must...I HAVE to do something.

Carefully, I touch her cheek, her warm skin electrifying mine and I tremble under the power she innocently holds over me. Trailing my fingers down her jaw, I travel over her chin to her lips, part of me wishing that she would open her eyes and fall into my arms, the other part poised to run from her.

My mind screams for me to stop, but my heart...my soul is overwhelmed. I can't resist...and I do not want to. I need her, even like this, for the moment. I try to think of her, of her desires through this madness that rages inside me and I wonder if she, too, knows this agony. No clear answer comes to me. What I wish and what my mind believes war with each other fiercely. All I know is that I am falling forward into an abyss of pleasure and pain.

Her sweet breath caresses my fingertips as I lightly brush their fullness. Leaning a little closer, I feel its warmth upon my face. Then, without a single thought, I lean even closer and tease her lips with mine. At the barest touch, the lightest graze, I nearly faint with the shock that crashes through me.

My lips part, as if to devour all that she offers me in her silent slumber, innocent of my internal struggle. Our breaths mingle as I hover over her soft, moist lips and I take in her essence, her soul into mine. I know it is merely a minor part of her—her soul is so vast, so great, that I could never hope to know it all. She fills me without opening her eyes or uttering a word and again I press my lips to hers, this time more firmly.

...she has become a part of me simply by being and I cannot stop myself from taking more.

With a mind of its own, my hand trails down her neck; a low moan escapes past my lips as the softness of her skin greets me like a promise of home. Heat radiates through her thin shift, burning me but calling me onward. Under my fingers, her pulse is the rhythm that has driven me these past few years.

As I feel her life’s blood pounding, I both hear and feel her response as her breath catches. My eyes flicker to her face to see if she is awake, but when I am certain she still sleeps, I continue on my path of self-torture.

With the gentlest of care, I trace the stitching design between her breasts. Then, hesitantly, I pull at one of the ties, slowly easing it from the knot and freeing the fabric to show me more of her.

Glimpsing her sweet skin, I am not sure if I am sinking further into madness or if I am on my way to ascending the heavens. Soft, yet firm flesh, skin that I've seen a thousand times, tantalizes me.

Her warm breasts are still hidden, but the valley between is open to my eyes. My only thoughts are of going home, of losing myself in her seductive siren's song. So, like a hummingbird to a flower, I kiss her there, my tongue slipping out and tasting the faint salt on her skin.

At my touch, it comes from her, as faint as my own words before...a moan. My body nearly hums with needing her and I fight the urge to overtake her at once. Hungry for more, my lips travel across the bare patch of skin until my nose is nudging her shift to uncover a breast.

She shifts and inadvertently helps me, revealing herself entirely. The cool night air teases the flushed peak, melding with my own hot breath and before my eyes, it pebbles to full arousal.

Moisture floods my mouth as I lean closer and kiss the tip of her breast. Then, before I realize what I have done, I have her within my mouth, feasting on her with abandon. Its dusky heat serves to heighten the pain inside of me that clutches upon my desire. Gently, I tease her, nipping and licking.

I fall still for a moment, waiting to see if my relentless hunger has wakened her, but she only moans again and pushes up against me, wanting more. Her lashes flutter lightly, but still, she sleeps on.

I know I should stop, for this is insanity, but I need her. I want to taste and quench my thirst on her body; her passion in sleep only serves to whet my appetite, to fuel the fire of my craving.

So I continue on, painting her breast with my kisses, returning to my feast, driven by a force I can no longer control.

As my mouth plays upon her responsive flesh, my hand captures the other and begins to gently knead. With a groan she moves back, but slowly, as if she wants me to continue, until she's lying flat on her back with me following and hovering over her.

My shame is forgotten and my fear consumed in this fire that feeds my agony. One hand still holds her breast while the other supports me. I reach down with my teeth and untie another knot, freeing her other side. I groan as the last vestiges of sanity leave me. There is no turning back from the precipice, for I will surely die if I cannot have my fill of her.

With a growl I straddle her, still keeping myself above her, and switch from one delectable swell of flesh to the other. My breath is ragged, beading as moist droplets upon her skin. I was an arrogant fool to think that I could tame my cravings living at her side. Again I say it, a whisper barely louder than her breath.

This time, it is not the wind or her pounding heart that answers me. No, this time...this time she answers me herself, shocking me so, that I am frozen.

"Is this a dream?" she murmurs thickly along the breath of a moan, her sleepy eyes fluttering open.

Her fingers reach up and thread through my hair as I look down into her soft eyes. For a moment, I forget what I am doing, why I even exist as I look into the soul that lies naked before my gaze.

Everything that she is, everything that she feels is there for me to see. My heart nearly explodes at what I witness, for never did I expect to see desire for me reflected in them.

"I am no dream or vision. I am real..." I respond, then pause, my voice trembling. “I...need you.”

Tears well up in my eyes as a thousand blinding emotions rise in me. “I’ve been afraid to say it for so long,” I reply as I lean down so that my face is just above hers. “I love you and without you...I’m in agony.”

"Yesss...." She silences me by sliding her hand under my jaw, cupping my face and pulling me towards her to seal her mouth against mine.

Our kiss is deep and intense, much more powerful than the fleeting ones I stole before. Lips part at the same moment and we let our tongues free to vie for space, to dance to the song that rages in our blood, our rhythm hastening with each passing second. Hungrily, we devour each other, neither wanting to separate, but soon I want more of her.

With a groan, I rip my mouth from hers and bring my hands down to her shift. I don't care for the ties any longer, what I want, I want now and with a rip I rend the cloth exposing the length of her to the night and my hungry eyes. I growl deep in my throat and flex my hands as they immediately begin itching with the need to caress her. I want to ravage her, to ease this torture my body and soul have endured for years, but something keeps me back.

I am silent for so long, that when her words come to me, they are a balm to my raging soul.

"Don't stop,” she whispers on a single breath and I am in awe of the tenderness her words evoke.

With a sob of terrible joy I fall down on her, touching her where I will and how I please. My hands roam across her bare skin, needing to feel every inch of searing heat, as my lips taste hers briefly before joining them.

My attention is deliberate, for I want only to bring her pleasure, yet my thoughts are random, almost incoherent. I only know that my greatest wish is being fulfilled.

Her stomach heaves beneath me as she drowns in the sensation of me loving her, her breath rasping slightly as I move myself down her body. I trace her ribs with my hands, each cushioned by hard muscle and soft skin, then trail my fingers and tongue along her stomach, leaving a wet path behind me. Stopping for a moment, I tease her, dipping and swirling with my tongue into her ticklish bellybutton. I smile when she responds with a laugh and take a moment to simply bask in her love, laying my cheek upon her firm stomach.

Her own breath begins to slow as she plays with my hair, enjoying the moment and this closeness.

Breathing deeply, I can almost taste her passion in the air. Turning my head, I brush my tongue along her abdomen, exploring her. Lifting up slightly, but not breaking my kisses from her skin, I strip off my own garment, my breasts swaying freely over her taut thighs. Her hips rise up to meet me and I move to tease her core, taunting her with my aching nipples and tormenting the soft down that covers her damp skin. The molten essence that coats my skin is more real than any fantasy I ever entertained and I lick my lips, eager to know the taste of her passion.

Trailing my hands, down her legs, she parts them unbidden, revealing her inner self to me. The scent of her is stronger now, overpowering as its warmth wafts up to me. A wave of dizziness threatens to overcome me as the true power of her desire weakens my resolve to love her slowly.

I know I haven't taken my time as I've always dreamed this first with her should be, but she is too much for me. How can I deny her passion for me, with this, her obvious need for me? My agony is too great, my hunger too fierce, and my love too deep.

I kneel before her, a supplicant to her temple, my thumbs sliding along the wetness that coats her inner thighs. Looking up, I smile at her, pouring all my love into my gaze before I turn away and taste her skin.

She tears wildly at my head, wanting more, but I refuse to go at her pace...only mine. The pain only intensifies my need to please her, to take her where she has never been before. I want her to remember this...to feel my hunger for her as I taste her, to feel my need for her as I send her to the heavens. I want her to know and understand...that I love her.

Sweet and thick, like honeyed butter, her passion's desire greets my tongue. The taste so tantalizingly delicious, that I immediately want more. My lips explore her trembling thigh, seeking out each and every drop before moving across to her other one.

I hear her whisper a thanks to the gods between mewls of pleasure. Her fingers thread and weave into my hair, urging me to continue.

I run my hands under her thighs and over to her stomach, searching out as much skin as I can, as my lips move towards her center. For a timeless moment, I close my eyes and simply inhale her fragrance. Only in my dreams, had I ever imagined that I would be granted this greatest of pleasures to lie between her legs and love her.

I run my mouth over her full lips first, coating them with her moisture, before licking it all off. I can't seem to get enough of her, almost as if all my life I've been in the desert and only now taste the purest of water. I take my time to explore each fold and texture as if memorizing them for the brief seconds that it takes for me to miss her.

Next, I graze her cleft with my tongue, enjoying the shudder that rocks through her body and her hands that press against my head. I resist her silent command to delve deeper into her, for I want to take this slowly. I want this first time to be unforgettable for the both of us...a time when I learn to give and she to accept.

Slowly I press between her folds, as she widens her legs even further for me, separating herself and opening fully to me. I fight against both of our desires to be more forceful, to simply take what I want in a maelstrom of heat and fury. My lips graze her warm petals, then take one in, gently sucking and lapping.

Only her soft cries and demands mark the passage of time. Her hands become more insistent in my hair, curling and pulling in an attempt to end the sweet torture.

"Patience," I raise my head and whisper to her. "We've barely begun." I am left breathless as I gaze upon her, for even the most spectacular of nature's gifts doesn’t compare to her beauty.

I lower my head once more to her folds slick with passion. I stay away from her clit and the source of her wetness as much as I can, wanting to explore every part of her for as long as possible. I know this can't last forever, but I can dream and do my best to make it seem like an eternity.

Again, I feast languidly between her legs; my hands travelling lightly across her torso to trace the lines that I mapped earlier with my lips. Teasing, I probe her until finally I brush, ever so lightly against the small bud that is aching for my attention.

She bucks unbridled beneath me, a soft cry of delight escaping from her lips. Her hands award me with a caress, running through my hair and brushing my forehead. Feeling her gentle touch upon my skin, I close my eyes in rapture, wanting to memorize every second of being with her.

Wrapping my lips around her, I gently apply pressure, flicking her with my tongue. Her hips lurch and she gasps out my name, a litany to the love that is pouring freely from her now. But there's another part of her that I haven't touched yet, and I'm nearly dying from the need to.

Bringing one of my hands down, slowly trailing my fingers along her body, I take a moment to play and tangle them among her damp curls. Her hips twitch at my touch, as if she knows already what I plan on doing. I smile into her, release her from my mouth, and gaze up at her. My lips curve even more as she cries out with greater insistence for me to end this torture, to release her to ecstasy.

Sliding my fingers through her folds, I start to open my mouth to ask her, but she answers me with a desperate nod. Her eyes beseech me to continue, to complete this journey I began, the one that we shall finish together. I stop my exploring and hover just above her opening, my hand starting to shake.

I touch her, my fingertips just grazing the entrance to her, my anticipation growing, my need raging like a wildfire, but a part of me wanting to take this slowly...as much as either one of us can stand. But whatever inhibitions I have, she has none, and her hips move against me taking in the tip of my finger.

Then, with her eyes upon me, I press in ever so slowly as I lower my lips to her again, brushing up and down her length. I slip easily inside of her wet heat until she envelops me.

Finally, I'm in her as far as I can go. Her walls pulse around me, her warmth fires my blood even more. Just as lazily, I pull out and raise my fingers and taste her, closing my eyes with pleasure.

For a moment, I stop and relish the feel of her, in awe of the privilege she has granted me. What was once an unattainable dream, an agony that devoured my soul, has become a reality that is warm flesh and passion. She is real, as is this moment and the love we share.

I smile wickedly as I finish and bring myself back to her flesh. This time I place two just inside her, letting her accept the feeling before entering any further. When her hips find a rhythm in time to my own, I position a third finger, ready to fill her with absolute devotion.

I continue to keep it slow, torturing her with pleasure, ignoring her insistent hands. It is when she plunges her hips down on my fingers, taking me completely by surprise that I realize that her pain is perhaps just as powerful, if not more than, my own. I drape my other arm across her hips, holding her in place so that I command the pace, as she shudders with delight.

There will be time for fury and fire later. Now, I only want her to melt at the tip of my tongue and fingers. I begin exiting and filling her slowly, again and again, my mouth caressing her most sensitive spot. She's molten lava under my touch, so hot, so liquid; I slide effortlessly into her. I can taste her on my tongue and down my throat, sliding to burn all the way deep inside of me to merge with my own heat.

Her body begins to flex as she fights against my hold, my control. Her breathing becomes rapid and shallow.

With infinite precision, I curl my fingertips and find the spot that I know will drive her to her pinnacle. At the same time that she releases a low whimper, I press the flat of my tongue against the bundle of nerves that is already pulsing with release. When her fingers tighten in my hair, I begin thrust once more and running the length of my tongue along her rigid need. As slow as my movements are, her voice rises in volume as she flies higher and higher to her release, throwing her head back and arching her body off the bedroll. Whatever control I thought I possessed before evaporates when I realize that now, I am able to travel with her to the heavens of her rapture.

When she cries my name hoarsely into the night, my own need flares and begins to rage. If I thought it was agony wanting her so badly, it is even more so waiting for its inevitable death. It is even more so, waiting to find my own place among the stars with her love to guide me.

Faster, we ascend, our bodies climbing together, merged by passion and love. My pace becomes almost frenzied in its slowness, as I drive into her endlessly. Feeling that our time is almost near, as her body begins to tense and my own center throbs, I pull completely out of her, bring my hands under her hips to pull her up. She wraps her legs around my head tightly to keep me on her, her hands still threaded through my hair as she grinds into me.

I spend only a moment or two on her hard nub, before traveling down to where my fingers were only a few heartbeats ago. I pause, on the brink, waiting for her to join me as I twirl and taste her folds for a moment. Then when I know she is with me, I plunge into her with my tongue, spearing her as far as I can go. Even her powerful thighs wrapped around my head cannot muffle the sounds that are torn from her. Her grip in my hair becomes painful and spurs me to my own release. We shudder, almost in unison, again and again, white-hot heat exploding from our bodies.

I barely pay heed to it, for my only concern now is accepting all that she gives me as I mindlessly catch all of her precious offering on my tongue. The experience is so intimate; I feel as though I have crawled inside of her and found new life.

Her cries keep my own pleasure going, until finally her body begins to relax and fall to the ground. But, as I lap up all of her juices, I find that my thirst has not yet been assuaged.

When at last her legs fall to release me from their prison, I crawl up to kneel over her. Her hands still hold my head, she brings my lips to her, tasting herself. Her kiss is almost violent, surprising me with its ferocity. Her chest is still rising and falling in time to her rapid heartbeat, and I am drawn into the storm once more.

She slides a thigh between mine and presses up against me. I moan at the first contact upon my swollen flesh.

I shudder violently, the pain inside my belly still alive and burning me. Taken aback by the magnitude of her desire, I fall into her kiss again. Aggressively, she pushes against me, making me sit up with her, our tongues trying to conquer the other. Her thigh still between mine, she brings her other leg over one of my own, straddling it.

We proceed to ravage each other. I am fueled by primal sounds uttered into my mouth as our bodies are molded tightly against one another. I can feel her parting and sliding on my thigh, her hot center grinding against me. Her furor drives me beyond my control and I growl as I clutch at her, marking her skin. One of her hands slips between us, kneading my breast and pinching my nipple hard.

There is no finesse in this coupling, our bodies are already moving against each other with wet abandon. I rip my lips away from hers for breath, kissing her jaw and neck to then fasten onto the pounding vein in her neck.

Sweat pours freely off our bodies, aiding our blind need to send the other to oblivion again.

She pulls me harder into her, using her free hand to dig into my behind. Slick moisture flows freely between us, coating our thighs in long paths. In an effort to get even closer, to become one, I mimic her actions, grasping her shapely behind. She releases my breast and does the same, both of our bodies sliding along and into the other.

We become a blur of motion, a mantra of vulgar sounds as we hearken to our most basic of needs.

We are like the sea and earth, battling as we strive against the other. One unmovable, the other unstoppable, but both unable to live without the other. Our pants, our cries ascend to the heavens, driving each other onward with our need.

Almost angrily, she pulls my head from her neck, wanting to taste me again; she crushes me to her. Needing to feel her heat once more, I slip my fingers along the curve of her abdomen to dip into the wetness that is as copious as before. This time, she copies my action, slipping deep within me without preamble.

Howling in pleasure, I throw my head back and ride her hand, feeling her doing the same on my own. This time...there is no blinding white light to step off into as we climax together, this time, as we scream our ecstasy, there is only darkness. Our bodies become so violently enmeshed that we are left bruised and battered, but all the more sated.

The first knowledge that I am back into my body comes as warm arms envelop me, holding me to a slowly heaving bosom. A soft voice whispers assurances against my damp hair and I nod silently as tears begin to fall heedlessly. My body aches, still entwined with my lover's limbs, but now lying on our bedrolls again, her warmth covers me like a blanket.

If I was the one who set out on this journey in my quest to end my anguish, she was the one who brought me home. Relieving my pain by accepting my love and returning it tenfold. Her passion, equal to my own, heals my suffering and calms my soul, promising me that I will never endure the torment without her love again. The craving in my heart that I have for her shall never die, but here in her arms, I have found peace...and an end to my agony.

As we mentioned in the disclaimers, this series is not about sex. Okay well, yeah it is. But just as love isn’t just about sex, neither are these stories and neither were the ones in Apparitions of Love.

Love comes in uncountable shapes and forms. From the love you show your pet, to the all- consuming tragic love we see in Romeo and Juliet. It’s the more intense feelings that we are trying to convey to you here...and yes, with sex. *evil grin* I hope you see what we are showing you and not just the actions. I know some writers out there put in the “obligatory sex scene” because they feel that the audience won’t read their stories unless they do. Well, Missy Good kinda disproves that theory with her writing. *chuckle* But I’m not going to shy away from it and haven’t. This isn’t pornography, it’s erotica. It’s about love and sensuality, whether it’s hard and fast, or slow and sweet. That’s the difference. To us, Xena and Gabrielle love one another.

Hmm...what a surprise, I’ve rambled again.

Um, I think Silk is being a talkative top today <BG>. I was going to put in a humorous disclaimer here, but Silk has done a wonderful job of explaining the series to date and as planned. Love is love whether it is in the mind or of the body. The physical expression of erotic love (eros) is an incredibly beautiful thing, in my opinion. But it does not overshadow the underlying emotions, for nothing can express the profound ache one carries in the heart for the other half of a soul.

TZ:
TZ@tcinternet.net
Ok, Silk...what did you do with Mr. Happy? If you're holding him for ransom...just know that he's useless without his Renewal™ friends. Come on, Silk...you know I can't write without him.... <sob>

Silk:
Silk@ethergate.com
Warlord in Training

Have Katiepult. Will throw tomatoes at Alti for making Xena have to cut Gabrielle’s hair.

“Bard? Where? I’m a mere Wit to the Nit. I don’t know what a bard is.” MORE OIL!

;}~~~

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