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The characters Xena and Gabrielle are the sole copyright and property of MCA and Renaissance pictures. Please note that there are historical references in this piece of uber fan fic. I suggest you look them up, and these historical views are mine. And please also note that as I am the author, I am entitled to do whatever the hell I want with this, even place myself in. So donít even bother to complain. And if youíre wondering what the bloody tartarus the time tunnel thing is about, it is a little chronicle of major events in history. Also, this story is basically what I think may have happened to Xena and Gabrielle after they died. This is also reminiscent of A Day in the Life and The Quest. And this story itself is mine, so please ask me if you wish to post it. And now, on with the story.
This fan fic is scattered with references to Frank Zappa songs. See if you can spot them. Also, at the end of the story is a secret clue which may help you unravel the references.
A Day in the Modern Life
Xena and Gabrielle have just been recently crucified by Caesar, who himself was killed by the senate of Rome. We leave off with the end of Ides of March, with our two ladies floating. They look down at their bodies hanging on the crosses. Gabrielle asks Xena, "Look at our bodies. Are we dead?" Xena replies, "Of course we are. And if you think our souls, which is what we are now, are going to float back into our bodies, it would be useless to do so because our bodies are nailed to the cross. We have no choice but to find another body for our souls to reside in." They float through a tunnel, and as they pass through they see events of history being played out. Gabrielle sees Octavian Caesar being crowned Emperor of Rome, and she says with a surprised look on her face, "Xena, is that Caesar? I thought he was dead." Xena takes a closer look and says, "No, it is his nephew Octavian. He has crowned himself Emperor and the Senate of Rome apparently applauds him. From the looks of things, the Roman Republic has collapsed, and this is a moment of history." Gabrielle says, "Xena, what are you trying to say?" Xena says, "You know that reincarnation theory we learned in India? Apparently, this is it, and as we are looking for a new body, we are passing through time and observing events of history." Gabrielleís eyes light up with amazement, and she looks to her left and sees the flourishing ancient desert city of Petra. Xena and Gabrielle decide to move through the tunnel. They bear witness to the fall of Rome to the barbarians, the Battle of Hastings, and great Gothic cathedrals. Gabrielle observes the Battle of Hastings and thinks, "Apparently Ares is still doing his work." Xena looks at the Gothic cathedrals and wonders, "What new religion is this? I hope it has something to do with the one true god of the Israelites and not Dahak." They continue to move through the tunnel, and as they pass 1276 A.D., Xena observes a small cylinder being held in a soldierís hand, and fire, smoke, and the smell of sulfur explode from it. It is the first hand cannon in history, and Xena is amazed to see such a weapon that could only spring forth from the deepest depths of Tartarus. They continue their journey through the tunnel, and Gabrielleís eyes light up with the wonder of a child seeing gifts at Solstice, and she is observing Europe being revitalized with learning and education. She first observes the great Moorish city of Cordoba, and many years later in Florence, which is where the Renaissance takes place. Xena looks to her right, and observes the War of the Roses taking place in England. She sees many soldiers lying dead on the battlefield, due to the deadly power of a new invention evolved from the hand cannon called the gun. They move forward through the tunnel, and Gabrielle looks to her left and sees an inspiring struggle for freedom from tyranny known as the War of Independence. She looks to her right, and observes how French people overthrow the aristocratic government of France and replace it with a republic. Much to her horror, she sees many people going to a dreadful machine known as the guillotine, for supporting or even being suspected of supporting the crown. As they move through the tunnel, they observe how factories belching smoke are popping up across the landscapes of England and America. They also observe the horrible working conditions, the poverty and disease ridden squalor of the cities, and a bunch of fat capitalists controlling the major industries and getting rich off of it. This phenomenon in American history is known as the Industrial Revolution followed by the Gilded Age. Gabrielle observed with concern the Haymarket Square Riots, in which German anarchist workers protested police violence against striking workers at the McCormick reaper works in Chicago. What soon followed was the nationís first red scare, in which anarchists, socialists, and other radicals were highly suspected of suspicious activity. As Xena passed 1871, she saw how American troops captured the Korean fortress in Khe Sanh, in an attempt to open up commerce with Korea. While they were passing by 1865, they observed a great many people dead by the city of Petersburg, Virginia. There were trenches around the city, and men were dying horribly. This was the result of the Gatling gun and outdated tactics. This tactic was known as trench warfare, and it was a preview of the bitter, horrible battles of World War One that would claim many lives in Europe. The world was foolish to ignore this warning from history. Gabrielle was shocked by this horrible battle, and she was even more shocked by World War One. Xena looked to her right and observed the Paris gun, a monstrous gun that shelled Paris from 80 miles away. It was possibly the most horrible artillery weapon ever used in warfare. She looked to her right and observed how American troops were guarding munitions in the White Sea port of Archangel for Russian troops fighting the Bolsheviks and how they had to fight for their lives when the port froze, and their withdrawal in spring. And shortly afterward she observed how American troops in Vladivostok were fighting the Bolsheviks along the Trans-Siberian Railroad. Xena looked to her left, and observed how Adolf Hitler rose to power, and the Nazis in Europe. And while Gabrielle observed World War One, Xena observed the deadly hoax known as the Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion, a forged document of meeting minutes that told of how the Jewish people should be eliminated. She also observed politicians in late 19th Century to early 20th century Russia embraced it, and how auto industrialist Henry ford embraced it. Gabrielle observed the rape of Nanking by the Japanese, in which 300,000 people were brutally killed because the Japanese thought all other nations were inferior, and that such nations deserved such inhuman, barbaric treatment. On her right, she observed the unnatural horrors of the Holocaust, how people were herded into death camps to be slaughtered, and the bizarre experiments of Dr.Mengele. These death camps and Nazi terror were the horrible result of how Hitler embraced the Protocols. As after a heavy rainfall the water level of a lake rises, such was the way in which tears were welling up in her eyes, and on her left, she observed how many people were dying in Russia as their homes and farms were being collectivized. 20 million people total perished under the oppressive reign of Stalin, and the bloody purges he made against his enemies. She was moved to tears by such sadness, and as water rushes out after a dam is opened, such was the way the young Amazon Queen cried: The Warrior Princess put her arm around the young bard as to comfort her, and hugged her quietly as the soul of Gabrielle quaked with each sob of sad tears that rolled down her cheeks as dew rolls off a flower in the early hours of dawn. She asked Xena, in tears, "Why is such inhumanity being committed?" Xena thought about it and said, "Apparently the people in the death camps may be considered to be inferior to the people running the death camps. The guy responsible for that horrible poverty you observed apparently has no regard for people, as long as he gets to move his country ahead." Gabrielle wiped her tears, and hoped that humanity would not commit such horrible misdeeds ever again. Gabrielle observed with curiosity the great boons the Marshall Plan gave Western Europe, but Xena observed with worry the blockade of Berlin, which was a result of Stalinís jealousy of the West, and the airlift. Much to her relief, Stalin lifted the blockade. Xena and Gabrielle observed the Cold War, and the Berlin Wall. As it was being erected, there was a confrontation between American and Soviet tanks at Checkpoint Charlie, the main border crossing between East and West Berlin. Fortunately, neither side fired a shot and the Soviets ended the conflict by moving a tank into a back alley in East Berlin. They then observed the awful demonstrations of power as nuclear tests were conducted, and they observed the awful political nightmare of the Vietnam War. Xena simply shaked her head at the awful scene. They then observed the fall of the Berlin Wall, and the collapse of Communism in Eastern Europe. They then observed the rise of the internet and other amazing technology. In late 1998, they observed how President William Jefferson Clinton, (alias Slick Wille, the Jackass in the Oval Office), disgraced the nation by having an affair with an intern, denying it, admitting it under a Grand Jury investigation thanks to the fishing trip Ken Starr took in hopes to reel in Bill Clinton, and how he got the dubious distinction of being the second president in history to be impeached in 130 years (Andrew Jonhson in 1868 for firing a cabinet member without congressional approval. They failed to convict him by one vote.), and how partisan politics between Democrats and Republicans failed to convict him. Xena and Gabrielle observed it scratching their heads and with some amusement of the follies of Bill Clinton.
They finally arrived in the year 1999, and found the bodies of Lucy Lawless and Renee OíConnor. Gabrielle looked with surprise and said, "Xena, look! They look just like us." Xena said, "Iím glad thatís over with. Címon, letís move in." They plunked themselves into the two bodies, and they shook as the souls landed. Lucy and Renee had just finished filming an episode of Xena, and Renee said, "Lucy, I just felt something shake in me. Did you feel something?" Lucy smiled and said, "That is odd. I did feel a little something happen to me also. I wouldnít worry about it. So, we are finally done filming this season. What would you like to do?" Renee replies, "Iíve always wanted to visit Massachusetts. From what I hear, the western part is quaint, typical New England." Lucy says, "Sounds lovely. Letís go." They hop into a BMW M5. As they drive to Auckland International Airport, Lucy pops in a disc. They then hear the sounds of marimbas, strange horns, bizarre noises, and a bit of doo wop parody. Renee asks, "What kind of strange music is this?" Lucy replies, "Itís the soundtrack to Uncle Meat. Very interesting stuff by the Mothers of Invention. Oh, I got one nifty track you might enjoy." She fast forwards it to track number 7, and their ears are bombarded with the sound of Frank Zappa warming up a crowd with a lousy P.A. system, and the sound of Louie Louie being played on the huge organ at Royal Albert Hall. Renee laughs and says, "That was really strange. This music is really silly It isnít exactly pretty, but strange." Lucy then says, "Thatís why I like it!" Renee nods her head in agreement, and ponders the possibility of buying a few of their albums. They fly to from Auckland to Bradley. While the plane is on the ground, the pilot, being the joker that he is, takes a recording he made from Mystery Science Theater 3000 and plays this little bit: "Iíd like to remind you that this is a Northwest flight so weíll be siting on the tarmac for an hour with no beverages and air conditioning and weíre out of meals and our flight attendants are overworked and abusive and if you complain, weíll throw you off the flight." Some of the passengers looked at each other in surprise and behaved as best as they could. Lucy and Renee got a good laugh out of that one. Lucy said, "Oh, I just love Mystery Science Theater 3000!" Renee said, "How did you know that?" Lucy replies, "My hubbie rob watches it all the time, and he got me hooked on it. I remember what movie that sound was from. The Phantom Planet. Those guys are absolutely merciless on that show." Meanwhile, on a Northwest flight from Columbus, Ohio to Salt Lake City, Utah, the flight acts exactly like the sound. And somewhere over Montana, a guy who called himself the Emperor of Ohio tried hitting on a stewardess, and said with a skulking leer on his face, "Want to ride my face to Chicago?" She promptly hit him repeatedly with his dinner tray, and opened the window and shoved him out of it. This twit was hoping they would go to Montana so he could grow some dental floss, but instead, he got sucked into in engine and got shredded to bits. In the mean time, the stewardesses wondered if they should hijack the plane to Cuba. On take off, the pilot decides to have fun and pops in Magic Carpet Ride by Steppenwolf on his little tape deck he personally installed on the air plane, and proceeds to torture the ears of the passengers by playing it over the intercom while taking off. Along the way, a random fan ponders Joxer and Gabrielle, and promptly pukes in the air sickness bag. The plane that Lucy and Renee are flying on lands at Bradley International Airport in Windsor Locks, Connecticut. They then walk over to a nearby place called Classic Car Rentals. This isnít your ordinary car rental place. This has all kinds of nifty cars. Renee looks at a Chevy í39, and says, "How about this one?" Lucy says, "Oh címon! Itís not like weíre going to Legion Stadium in El Monte and have one of us get wasted and start stealing hubcaps!" Renee smiles, laughs, and says, "I think you have been listening to Uncle Meat for quite a bit." Lucy says, "Yep. Dog Breath in the Year of the Plague. Now letís find a car!" They see some nice choices. They see a nice í55 Chevy, a í59 Morgan, a í53 Monza on blocks in the auto shop, a í57 Ford Fairlane, and a Studebaker Hawk. They decide to go with the Studebaker Hawk and drive to the home of the author in Ludlow, Massachusetts. Renee asks Lucy, "What do you think we are doing here?" Lucy replies, "I thought this was one of those cozy little bed and breakfasts." Suddenly, the soul of Xena overtakes the body of Lucy. Lucy says, "What is going on here?" Xena says, "Not to worry. I once occupied the body of Autolycus. If you know whatís good for you, you will let me control the body." Lucy relinquishes control to Xena, and they agree to share the body. Xena walks up the steps and rings the doorbell. The author walks down the stairs and where the bannister ends there is a newly opened replica of a Roman Gladius. The author comes down wearing a sword of the Knights Templar. I (the author) open the door and see Lucy and Renee in ordinary street clothes. Xena sees the Gladius and prepares to draw out her sword. However, I realized the danger of leaving it out and drew out my sword. I stared at her and said, "This is not what you think it is. I am not a Roman, and their empire is dead." Xena gives me an angry stare and says, "Then why do you have a sword of their kind?" I reply, "I collect historical items and I know my history quite well. As much as I admire their reputation for an empire and military strength, I have also heard of the Warrior Princess. I respect her for the kinds of deeds she did to try to make amends for her past misdeeds." Xena stares at me less angrily and says, "How did you know who I am?" I reply, "In this time, your good deeds have been celebrated on a television show. It is by a marvelous coincidence that the Warrior Princess should occupy the body of the actress who does such a fine job of portraying her." Xena, pleased to hear of what has happened, sheaths her sword. As she does so, the soul of Gabrielle overtakes the body of Renee, and they also agree to share the body. Xena extends her hand and says, "I am Xena. It is good to see someone who knows their history." I shake her hand and reply, "And I am Jeremy. I am sorry we almost greeted each other with our sword tips, but I am pleased and honored to have you here." Gabrielle asks, "Where are we? I have a feeling weíre not in ancient Greece anymore." I reply, "The date is June 27, 1999. You are in Ludlow, Massachusetts, and the country we are in is the United States of America, a great nation which loves freedom and slavery is dead here. And the continent we are on was unknown to the ancient Greeks. Though it is possible that the Phoenicians may have ventured beyond those twin pillars that guard the entrance to the Mediterranean." A thought of the Mothers of Invention crosses the mind of Xena. Xena says, "How did such a thought of the Mothers of Invention come to cross my mind?" I say, "My theory is that your soul is sharing the knowledge of the body you are occupying, and the reverse." Gabrielle says, "Iíve been wondering. Xena and I are good friends and we love each other. But how do we know if that love is not like the love between a man and a woman?" I say, "It is pretty simple. In the Iliad of Homer, Achilles and Patroclus are the best of friends, they love each other, and they are willing to die for each other. And when Patroclus died at the hands of Hector, Achilles went on a killing rampage. If that ever happened to you, Xena may act that same way. That is probably how your relationship is. Have you been reading Sappho or Theognis by any chance?" Gabrielle briefly ponders the Sappho remark and her eyes light up and she says, "Did you just say Homer?" I smile and reply, "Yes I did. His work is regarded as some of the best of Greek literature. I myself have read his works, and they are marvelous." Gabrielle smiles with delight and says, "You have read Homer? I met him! I am Gabrielle of Potadeia, bard, demon child mom and demon rape victim, Amazon Queen, and ex peacnik. Not necessarily in that order!" I smile with amazement and say, "You have met Homer? That is incredible! I have watched the show that chronicles Xenaís good deeds, and I am familiar with you and Xena. But that doesnít compare to meeting you two in person. I am pleased to says that I have read many Greek and Roman legends, and other works of philosophy. It is indeed quite a pleasure to meet you!" Like a small thorn that sticks to your clothes when you walk through thorn bushes, so did a thought about my swords cross the mind of the brave warrioress and stick in her mind. Xena then says, "Where did you get that Gladius? And why the cross on your sword on your sheath?" I say, "I got the Gladius at a store on the internet. It is a replica. As for my sword, it is of the Knights Templar, a group who did banking in the land of the Israelites. I am a Free Mason, and I am at the rank of Knight Templar. The Masons are a fraternal order. As for the Israelites, their religion of the one true god has evolved into one of the biggest religions in the world. The founder is a guy by the name of Jesus Christ, and the basic idea of it is peace and love to your neighbor. It is a lovely religion by the name of Christianity, and Dahak is not the chief god in this religion." Gabrielleís eyes light up as she does at seeing a religious fraud who claims he knows the way. I give her a disappointed look and say, "You still havenít learned. I suggest to you not to get drawn to the light of religious figures who claim they know the way, because if something is too good to be true, it probably is, so be careful. Though Eli and Lao Ma sounded like nifty people." Gabrielle says to Xena, "Is that really true?" Xena smile and shrugs and says, "Iím afraid so. You have to be careful." Lucy then speaks up and says, "We came here for a bit of a vacation. Know any good places?" I reply, "Rockport. Located on lovely Cape Ann, and it is a quaint little fishing town. I got a helicopter out back we can hop into. And I must advise you, in this time, people arenít as likely to draw a weapon on you, so donít be so quick to draw your sword if itís with you. But you still should be careful."
We hop into the helicopter, and as I take off, I pop in One Size Fits All by Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention. I put the cd player on shuffle, and as San Berídino gets starting, I fly my helicopter rather crazy, sometimes hovering in one spot and moving side to side, sometimes flipping upside down and flying it that way during a good song. As I fly silly, I offer Lucy and Renee a dramamine, which they gladly pop in. I find a empty spot by the beach, and land it. Fortunately, my helicopter comes with an alarm system which consists of Mariah Carrey hitting her highest note. As we walk the shops of Rockport, Xena and Gabrielle fill me in on their journey through history, which amazes me. I see a newsstand and pick up a postcard of Motif No. 1 a quaint little fishing shack with buoys hanging off of it that often gets painted, and one of the headlines tells of the peace keeping mission in Kosovo. Xena asks, "Whatís going on?" I reply, "What happened was the prime minister of Yugoslavia rose to power on nationalism. When he was in a position of government, he was at a political event in Kosovo. Ethnic Albanians started hurling rocks at the police, and he said that never again will the Serbs be attacked by the Albanians like that. In March of this year, Slobodon Milosevic, the prime minister, started kicking ethnic Albanians out of Kosovo, a province of Yugoslavia where ethnic Albanians are 90% of the population. He also had his police and military kill the Albanians. An alliance of European nations and my country attempted to negotiate peace, and when that failed, we dropped bombs on Yugoslavia for 78 days until Milosevic pulled his troops out. Now we are trying to keep peace, and it will be hard." Xena asks, "What will be so hard about the peace?" I reply, "There is a paramilitary group called the Kosovo Liberation Army, and they want independence for Kosovo. We know that Albanians are taking revenge on the Serbs because there have been minor conflicts erupting between Serbs and Albanians. We also have to disarm the KLA. Xena, your aid would really be appreciated. And Gabrielle, you can help make peace between the two ethnicities." Gabrielle smiles and says, "Well, I have done my best for peace. But tell me some more info about Kosovo." I reply, "Actually, the Albanians were there first. I did a bit of research and the ancestors of the Albanians originally lived in Kosovo. In 1389, the Serbs and Albanians attempted to fight off the Ottoman Empire at the Battle of Kosovo. If Ares is still around, heíd give you an interesting view. Because of that, the Serbs consider Kosovo to be a sacred part of their country. They fondly call it Old Serbia." Xena says, "I might be able to help out in Kosovo, though it may not be my place. Still, I think in this modern world, Gabrielle and I can survive." We continued onward and found a psychicís place, and I say to the psychic fraud with a knowing smile, "You knew we were going to be here." I give her $10 dollars and say, "Care to play a little game? Itís called find that archaeological place or artifact! Try to locate the Ark of the Covenant. Do you think you can do it?" She says, "It is in Israel." Xena and Gabrielle look on in wonder and I say with a gleeful smile, "Wrong! Archaeologists have been digging up Israel and no ark. It is also said it is in Ethiopia, and that there is more than one in a temple of the Knights Templar in Scotland. Iíll take my $10 dollars back now." I have a big grin on my face and I laugh. I say, "What a complete waste of time that was! Oh, that was fun. Psychic friend, they advertise? HA! More like psychic fraud!" Gabrielle smiles and says, "You remind me of Autolycus. You have his sense of humor." Xena asks, "I was wondering how the show about me got to know about my life." I reply, "Renowned archaeologist Janice Covington and Melinda Pappas discovered a collection of scrolls called the Xena scrolls. Gabrielle, did you chronicle Xenaís exploits?" Gabrielle replies, "Yes, I did. I did it because I thought Xenaís deeds were great and I wanted to share them. I didnít realize they would get to be a major piece of history." I continue, "Apparently the show has taken some license with the scrolls. Like the text on the wall from the episode about the Xena Scrolls. It looks more Egyptian than Greek. And we arenít sure about Ares being trapped in a tomb. However, I realize that you and Gabrielle would love to get back into your bodies. One scroll said that you and Xena were crucified. It sounds as though you two may get your bodies back." Gabrielle says, "But how is that?" I say, "Your bodies may possibly be in a coma, and your souls mistook a coma for death. Should your bodies come off the crosses, your souls entrance into your body would revitalize it and heal the bodies. However, I donít know if you will retain the knowledge you have learned. In the mean time, we can either stay at my place, or we can go the ranch of Renee OíConnorís family in Texas." Xena says, "We shall go the ranch." Renee OíConnor says, "What about the rental?" We go into the helicopter, and I fly listening to the first two albums of Jethro Tull. While Lucy is returning the rental car, I and Renee fly overhead in the helicopter. We all fly the helicopter to the ranch while listening to the rock comedy of Flo and Eddie of the Mothers, and I fly to helicopter to the ranch upside down. I come down so close that the blades can practically cut the grass. ROCís parents observe, and Sandra Wilson OíConnor, Reneeís mom says, "Good Lord. What is that helicopter doing upside down above our lawn?" Mr.OíConnor mutters, "Hmph. Crazy pilot. Trying to show off." Inside the cockpit, Xena gives me a glare, which clearly said she had enough of my crazy flying. I look at her and say, "Oh, lighten up. I was just having a bit of fun. You got to loosen up a bit. Besides, I was going to land this thing properly anyway." Gabrielle looks at me and says, "Does the soul of Autolycus reside in your body?" I say, "No. But I do have a strange sense of humor that takes some getting used to." I move the helicopter up, and then flip it to its regular position, and land. We get out and stay at the ranch. And we are staying there until Xena and Gabrielle can get back in their bodies.
And now, the moment you have been waiting for. The secret clue.