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"It was a dark and stormy night."
No, that's not it. Ahh let's see...
"Call me Gabrielle."
Nah, it's been done.
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."
Jeez, nobody would ever buy that one. Damn, these snappy openings are tough! I know...
"My name is Gabrielle, and this is my last hour."
Wait a minute, that sounds familiar too. Where... Oh. (Blush). Silly me. I wrote that. Oh well, if it worked once before it probably will again. [CTRL+C...CTRL+V] There now. Okay now, here we go....(Pause.) Okay, I mean it this time. Here we go. (Longer pause.) 20 KB or bust today so here we go, no foolin'. (Still longer pause.) M'kay, here...we......go....................(Even longer pause.).......... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
Suddenly through my mind's fog I hear the South Park kids laugh and Cartman chortles, "Somebody's bakin' brownies!" SSSNXXXX...what the...? Oh boy, I've got mail!
You have 4 new messages.
Subject: You Garbige
|You stupit basterd!! Why is it you always hurting pour Gabrillie!|
You are so sick!! I like Gabrillie and she is my favrite and you
sadist a**hole is always hurting her. I hate you and hope you die!!!!
Hmmm, a fan..
|I have had enuff!! Just remember this, slime ball. One more story|
like "Debera" and I'm gonna find out were you live and burn you
#$@*&^% cage down. You *&^%$)*$ basterd!!!!!
PS: When is you next story comming out??
Reply to: email@example.com
Subject: My "garbige"
Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! Sorry, bet you get that a lot huh? :P|
Anyway, thanks for your remarks. While I admit it seems the
Gabster does take an inordinate amount of punishment in my
stuff let me assure you it is NOT because of some manical
tendency on my part. Okay maybe just a little. And just so you
know I have in fact recently vacated my cage and moved up to a
a very nice cardboard box so nyahh.
Anyway, thank you for you ahem, "interest."
Subject: Termination notice.
It has recently come to my attention that the other, more distinguished
Yes, that's so. In fact many of these talented persons have hinted that
Yabbo? What's a yabbo?
Therefore, in order that I might rectify this untenable situation I hereby
It was that hundred bucks I sent ya, remember?
If I may make a suggestion; should you (God forbid.) ever feel the need|
to write any further (Snicker.) "stories"........
Why does she keep doing that?
........please send them to http://www.blackhole.com where I'm sure they
PS: Don't call me, I'll (Snicker.) call you.
That Mary, she's such a kidder. Probably distraught over that impending Olympic
scandal. That's funny though. I didn't know there were any Mormons in Sydney. And
just what is a yabbo anyway? Oh well, on to the next one.
Subject: Once in a lifetime offer
Dear "Ooh-La-La Page" visitor,
Oh Jeez, it's a good thing my wife didn't see this.
Tired of your old job? Interested in entering an exciting new field?
Not really. The last field I entered I kept stepping in cow sh....manure.
|Blammo, Inc. has been contracted by the United States Goverment to|
provide literally....pairs of dedicated, highly motivated....
Sorry, pal, that cuts me out.
....individuals for immediate openings in the rewarding field of nuclear|
arms testing. So tell me, friend. Do you have what it takes to test im-
pact detonators on our H-Bombs? Well do ya? The air force can't
afford to be dropping any duds on those pesky Russkies, you know. :)
This is truly a once in a lifetime offer. In fact you could as they say,
"Strike it big" so reply immediately!!
Subject: Your Visa card balance
Dear Xenajunk patron,
1. The limited edition Xena: Warrior Princess Toilet Seat. Now
2. They're here!!! At last!!! The new line of Xena: Warrior Princess
The Lucy Lawless doll!! Pull its string and it says:
The Ares doll! Pull its string and it:
The Joxer doll! Pull its string and it:
The Gabrielle doll! Pull its string and it says:
|3. Announcing the Steven L. Sears/Chris Manheim Story Generator,|
The Homage Edition! Be a writer without bothering to think for yourself!
Kit includes 25 ready to use templates prepared from great works by actual
creative persons. All you have to do is fill in the blanks with names and places
of your choosing and voila, you have a masterpiece of your very own. Do
it the RenPic way! And remember, it's not stealing, it's paying "homage."
Additional templates to be made available as soon as they can be scanned.
Price $289.95 ITEM# R1POFF
4.Fan Fiction Review Kit
SUCKERS, er, XENITES!! YOU KNOW YOU SIMPLY WON'T BE
Oh boy! One of my faves!
|I had the misfortune to stumble across one of your stories and|
I must say I was stunned by what I read.
He likes me, he really likes me!
|How does one write so much with such a small vocabulary?|
|Who does your editing, Ray Charles?|
As a matter of fact......
|I have never seen such poor story structure--|
Ahh what does he know? [DEL]
Okay back to work. Ooops, nature calls. We creative geniuses can't have any distractions, you know................................................
...........................................................................I'm back. Here we go.
|Using every last bit of her waning strength, Gabrielle clawed her way down the
blood spattered corridor. "Xena," she gasped, pitifully. "Why?"
Ahead of her, hidden by the shadows, a dark figure loomed, its strong legs spread wide in an arrogant pose. As always she had won. "Little One," the figure sneered, "it is finished. You lose." The raven haired beauty then slowly drew her sword, deliciously savoring every moment of her triumph. Very leisurely she began to advance toward the prostrate bard.
Standing over her now, Xena set the heel of her boot on Gabrielle's neck and quite gently began to force her head down. "It is finished," she repeated.
Xena's aiming point was a spot directly between Gabrielle's shoulder blades. Her face contorted with a malicious leer, Xena took her blood stained sword in both hands and..............
Wait a minute!! What am I doing! Oh my poor Gabby. And besides, this smacks too much of that wretched season three. [DEL] Let's try sumpfin' a little lighter..........
|"Come with me, Snookums," Xena squealed, playfully taking Gabrielle by the hand.
"Oh goody," chirped her giddy bard.
Xena helped her to her feet and together the warrioress and bard began to skip gaily across the flower filled meadow.
Ohhh, I think I'm gonna be sick.
|"I love you, Peaches," said Gabrielle, smiling brightly.
"And I love you, Cream," Xena shot back, her smile dazzling as always. Suddenly blocking their path ahead were three very large, very mean looking fellows. "Oooh," said Xena, upon noticing the men. "Look there, Gabrielle. Three very large fellows."
"And don't forget very mean looking," the bard reminded her. "What on earth shall we do, Xena?"
The warrioress' superb mind rapidly went over the options. "I know," she said, a mere heart beat later. "Let us teach these miscreants a lesson they will not soon forget."
"How?" Gabrielle asked. "With your sword? Chakram? Your split personality impersonations?"
Xena's playful smile faded and her lip curled in a scornful sneer. "Let us give 'em...."The Treatment.'"
"Oh no!" the bard gasped. "Not..."The Treatment.'"
What, is there an echo in here?
|"But, Xena, you can't," Gabrielle implored. "It's..it's cruel, inhuman and generally not very nice."
"Punkin', I must," Xena firmly replied. The bad fellows now began to make their approach. Xena took a deep breath and began her attack, "Oh-oh say can you see..."
"Bloody 'ell!" the head villian screeched, "That's the worst rendition of "The Star Spangled Banner" I've evah 'eard."
"Let us fly away form this horrible presence," another of the men exhorted.
"What so proudly we hail......."
"Run away! Run away! Run away!" (With apologies to Monty Python.)
"And the home of the...braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave!"
Watching the evil music lovers flee, Gabrielle then turned and lovingly looked into the eyes of her warrioress. "Oh, Xena, she gushed, "you're so wonderful!"
"I know," replied Xena. "Hey, by the way. Didja know I can sing the second verse too?"
"Ahh no. That's...quite all right," the bard said, slowly backing away.
"On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep...."
"Run away! Run away!" Gabrielle shrieked. Stumbling off over the meadow in the direction of the evil-doers now, she yelled, "Hey, youze guys, wait for me!"
"Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam......."
Watching the young woman stagger away, Xena shrugged and said, "Darn, I lose more sidekicks that way. Oh well. CASTING!"
Hmmm, I don't know. It...lacks....something.
"Talent," my smart aleck wife offers as she passes by.
Oh yeah? Well who asked you anyway? And by the way have you fixed the washing machine yet? Now where was I..........?
|"It was a dark and stormy night."|
No that's not it.
|Pooooooop! "You farted. Somebody's bakin' brownies!"|
Hmm, another e-mail. Wonder who it is.
Subject: Termination notice
We have been receiving numerous complaints from all over
the country regarding certain activities being engaged in by
you through this ISP. Specifically, I am referring to your
penchant or shall I say, obsession, with writing and posting
(Snicker.) Zena "stories."
Uhh ohhh. That darn Mary. She got to him. And it's Xena! With an X!
|This borders on harassment, Mr. Fox, and we simply cannot|
tolerate such behavior. Accordingly, as of this very moment we
are terminating your account. Please remit this month's fee immediately.
Hey wait! Lemme explain. It's____________________________________________________
Hey, Stellaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Darn, maybe I need one of those story generators after all. By the way, anybody know the snail mail address to Tom's Xena Page? Aww come on. Somebody.................anybody................Hello? Is this thing on? Darn. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
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