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The Bard is Back
by badbard
(tiger_by_night@yahoo.com)
WARNING/DISCLAIMER:-
The characters Xena, Gabrielle, Joxer and Lila belong to MCA/Universal and Rennaisance Pictures and are used here to entertain, with no thought or possibility or profit involved. The following is a comic script which takes place halfway through Bitter Suite and is an alternative ending and by ending, I really do mean ending. Gabrielle, much to her horror, has just arrived back in Dullsville, or do I mean Potadeia? This comedy, as well as making me titter madly, also kinda depressed me majorly, so Xena be warned. Xena Beware. By closing your eyes, ya can't read my script! (Quote, courtesy/ripped off of Miss Callisto) There's no more subtext in this than there is in the subtexty series but there's plenty of good old fashioned horror eg. Joxer trying to get it on with our desperate heroine, Gabby.
Gabrielle's entire life and future, Xena's sanity and good reputation and Lila's sisterly love were severely damaged and even torn up into little shreads during the course of this comic script. Joxer on the other hand, can't believe his luck.
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MID-RIFT: GABRIELLE ARRIVES IN ILLUSIA'S HELLISH VERSION OF POTADEIA, HER HOME VILLAGE.
GABRIELLE (TO JOXER)
Ye gods! Where am I? Am I in Tartarus? Surely telling an itsy-bitsy lie to that blood-thirsty warrior and sadistically poisoning my demon-spawn doesn't warrant that?!
JOXER
It warrants it alright but we're not there. Good guess though. You're pretty close to the truth.
GABRIELLE (WANDERS AROUND)
This place looks so familiar. It looks like I've arrived in...a recycled village, just like every other recycled village I wind up in every single day. See that bell? It was in that village, Whatsitsname that you and me ended up in on that godsawful adventure without my precious, beloved, Pooky-Wooky, uh er that stupid warrior that I hate so much.
JOXER (HELPFULLY)
Xena.
GABRIELLE (NODS)
Yep. That's the one who I love ... to hate. The one, the one and only one for me. Yep, I hate her oh so much.
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GABRIELLE
Hey, I've seen you before. I've seen you all before! You're the extras that are in every episode, aren't you?
VILLAGER (WHISPERS HELPFULLY)
We're your fellow Potadeins!
GABRIELLE (DOESN'T GET IT)
How nice for you, uh fellow. Very nice indeed. I'll be moving on now. Moving as far away as possible.
JOXER
You can't do that, Gabrielle. This is where you must deal with your fate.
GABRIELLE (WHINES)
But why here? On this incredibly boring recycled village set? I bet Xena gets somewhere new and interesting. Probably alot of sweaty blokes singing her praises and dying all over her. And that wannabe, Ares, is probably there too, sucking up to her shamelessly, sucking her shamelessly...
JOXER
Sounds like you're jealous.
GABRIELLE
Nope, I hate Xena, remember? Still, what right does my honey-bunny have to go galavanting around with the first hot god in tight leather pants to come along?!
JOXER (EXASPERATED & JEALOUS HIMSELF)
We're in Potadeia, Gabby.
GABRIELLE (ROLLS EYES)
So? Who the Hades cares where the Hades we are?
JOXER
Potadeia. As in your home village.
GABRIELLE (BLUSHES & GLANCES COVERTLY AROUND)
Oh, that Potadeia. These days I travel so much that every other village is named Potadeia! Easy mistake to make.
JOXER
Does anybody look familiar to you?
GABRIELLE
Now that you mention it, yes! Everybody and everything looks familir to me. Take that guy for instance.
JOXER (STARES DAGGERS AT BEEFY FARMER)
Yeah?
GABRIELLE
He was standing in that exact same spot last time I was here. (GESTURES TO GROUP OF WOMEN GOSSIPING) So were they. (CRANES NECK TO LISTEN IN) And they were talking about me running out of town then too.
VILLAGE WOMAN
Sprinting out of town!
GABRIELLE
As fast as my legs could carry me.
VILLAGE WOMAN
Gabrielle? You're back!
GABRIELLE (EYES WIDEN AS REALISATION SINKS IN)
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
VILLAGERS (START TO SING)
The bard is back! The bard is back!
GABRIELLE (TURNS GREEN)
Eugh No! Coff! Hack! Eugh No! Coff! Hack!
JOXER (JOINS IN)
Wanna jump in the sack? Wanna jump in the sack?
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WHEN GABRIELLE WAKES UP, LILA IS LEANING OVER HER.
LILA
Gabrielle! You're awake!
GABRIELLE (MUTTERS)
More's the pity. (LOUDER) Uh hi, er um, that is, er (BRIGHTLY) Hi!
LILA (POINTEDLY)
Hello, sister.
GABRIELLE (BEMUSED)
Sister?
LILA (VERY LOUDLY & SLOWLY)
Hello. Gabrielle. It's. Me. Your. Little. Sister.
GABRIELLE (SNORTS)
Little, my fungus-covered-foot! You're bigger than me.
LILA (CRIMSON)
I eat more than you do.
GABRIELLE (LAUGHS)
Oh yeah? Like that's believable! Pull the other foot.
LILA (BITINGLY)
What, the one with six toes?
GABRIELLE (PALES VISIBLY)
Oh gods, you are my sister. Oh Hades' Hallowed Helmet! I'd always hoped I was an only child. Hi, er Sis.
LILA (SHAKES GAB BY SHOULDERS)
Hello, Gabrielle, can you hear me? It's your darling little sister, Lila.
GABRIELLE (PLACATINGLY)
Ok, Ok, I get the picture, Sis. Listen, you haven't seen Xena around here by any chance?
LILA (BURSTS INTO WILD TEARS)
Augh! You love Xena more than me!
GABRIELLE (CONFUSED)
Yes. You've got that right. Uh, what's wrong...Sis?
LILA (GLARES AT GABRIELLE)
Look, just hurry up and leave me again, why don't ya?
GABRIELLE (BRIGHTENS UP)
Good idea. See ya...Sis, I'm outta here.
JOXER (GRABS HER ARM & FINDS HIMSELF FLIPPED INTO THE DUST)
No you're not. We haven't done your big scene yet.
GABRIELLE (INTERESTED)
Do I get to sing?
JOXER (FROM DUST AT HER FEET, LOOKING UP HER SKIRT)
A little to the left, no, you get to lip sync.
GABRIELLE (POUTS)
But I wanna sing!
JOXER (STARING WITH TONGUE HANGING OUT)
Well we all want who...er what we can't have. Oh for a friendly breeze right about now. Will the wind lift? C'mon wind! Uh, Gabby, I've heard your voice and it sucks even more than mine.
GABRIELLE (IN A HUFF)
That's a matter of opinion. (STOMPS ON HIS NOSE)
JOXER (HOWLS)
Opinion has it that you're getting far too violent, Gabby!
GABRIELLE
I thought guys liked being pushed around a little.
JOXER (MOANS)
You've been around Xena far too long now. That's why we've brought you back here, back home. I'll marry you, we'll set up house and we'll stay here in the boring backwaters, forever!
GABRIELLE
Shove my quill up your butt! Xena! XENA! Oh where for art thou, Xena? I need you! Come and kill me! Kill me now, please? Pretty please with henbane on top?
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XENA (EYES FLASHING RED)
Helllllllooooooo, little bard. You called?
GABRIELLE (BACKS AWAY NERVOUSLY)
Actually, no. No! I was calling for er um, y'know, the other Xena.
XENA (NODS WISELY & ADVANCES MENACINGLY)
Uhuh. The dark Xena. With those cool black eyes.
GABRIELLE (BACKS AWAY HURRIEDLY)
Well, not quite but she would be an improvement too.
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LILA
Here ya go, my darling disowned sister. Fortunately for you, Gab, I hate her more. Use this scythe - her bad hair needs harvesting.
XENA (SCREECHES OUTRAGED)
Bad hair?!
GABRIELLE (SWINGS SCYTHE EXPERIMENTALLY)
If only you had let me comb it.
XENA (CATILY)
Keep your hands to yourself, thank you very much!
GABRIELLE (HOWLS)
Just for that, I hate you!
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XENA (LAUGHS IN DERISION)
Pitiful. (TURNS ON HEEL TO STRIDE OFF)
GABRIELLE (DESPERATELY)
Where are you going, Xena?
XENA
Back to the real world, Delusia, to drink, murder and mutilate the rest of my sorry life away. You inadverdently and accidentally offing my precious little boy, Sophie, who'd I'd only seen twice, from a distance, really shook me up, y'know?
GABRIELLE (MOURNFULLY)
You tried to kill me.
XENA (SARCASTICALLY)
Please! If I'd tried then you'd be dead right now. As it is, I've left you to a fate worse than death. Enjoy Potadeia. (SNIGGERS NASTILY) Enjoy Joxer!
JOXER
Yea me!
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GABRIELLE (STARTS TEARING HAIR OUT)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
LILA (GRINS THOUGHTFULLY)
Wow, that's harsh.
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