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Disclaimer: Xena: Warrior Princess and the names, titles, and backstories used in "The Last Turkey in the Shop" are the sole property of MCA/Universal. The author intends no copyright infringement through the writing of this fan fiction.


The Last Turkey in the Shop
by Alan Plessinger
Alan_Plessinger@dialog.com


Gabby shrugged her, or more appropriately, his shoulders and looked embarrassed. He put the Amazon staff on the ground at his feet.

"It looks like it’s only going to be for the night," he said. "It’s no big deal."

Xena sighed. "So what god or goddess did you piss off this time?"

"Artemis."

"Great. What did you do?"

"I don’t know. I kept trying to find out. She wouldn’t tell me. She kept saying I should know what I did."

Xena looked Gabby up and down, and smiled. She thought she could still see her friend’s beautiful soul shining through, like the sun peeking out from behind a cloud. The green eyes still sparkled, the hair was the same reddish-gold, the smile just as sweet. Artemis had done a nice job.

"Nice of Artemis to provide you some pants, anyway."

"It’s only until dawn," said Gabby. "Then the curse is lifted."

"Curse? It seems more like the removal of a curse."

"Oh sure, like you’d want to walk around looking like this."

"You look damn good. Have you seen yourself?"

"It doesn’t matter how I look. This is only for one night, anyway."

Xena smiled wickedly.

"Well, let’s see it."

"What?"

"What! What do you think?"

Gabby giggled. Xena had never heard a man giggle before, and it sounded kind of cute.

"I’m not going to show you that! You know what one looks like! You’ve been around. You’ve seen more penises than I’ll ever have!"

"But how often can I say I’ve seen Gabrielle’s penis?"

"Xena, if you ever tell anyone..."

"My lips are sealed, provided you start droppin’ trou’, right now."

"Xena! Alright. But don’t pay any attention to the...you know...the condition of it. It has a mind of its own, sort of."

Gabby unfastened the rope around his waist and dropped his burlap trousers far enough for Xena to see.

"Well, well. The little soldier is at attention."

"Xena! I can’t help it."

"Oh, don’t worry about it, Gabrielle. That’s the way men are. Men are ridiculously potent. They’re just producing sperm all the time. While you’re standing there pretending to have a polite conversation with me you’re actually producing sperm at an alarming rate."

Gabby laughed. "Is it that obvious?"

Xena smiled. "I wonder which of the gods had to design that thing? And how did they know they were done? They should’ve worked at it a little longer."

Gabby looked down. "Probably a committee."

"It looks like the last turkey in the shop. Still, not a bad size. Not huge, but nothing to be ashamed of."

"Well, that just makes me feel a whole lot better."

"Stop whining. Why don’t you try it out? Do something with it."

Gabby laughed again. "Xena, I’m not an elephant."

"Do that peeing standing up thing. See if that’s all it’s made out to be."

"How do I get it to...you know...stop doing that?"

"Just a guess, but I’d say stop looking at me."

Gabby turned and faced the woods, and waited.

"OK, I think we’re in business. Now what?"

"Now you urinate."

Gabby urinated, and got his trousers wet.

"Xena!"

"You have to hold it, Gabrielle."

"Well why didn’t you tell me that?"

"I thought you knew."

"Well, I apparently don’t spend as much time watching men go to the bathroom as you do!"

Gabby grabbed his phallus and pointed it, and soon had a good urine stream going.

"Why does mine point to the left?"

"I don’t know, Gabrielle. The next time you get one of those, ask for a straight shooter."

"Xena, I just thought of something."

"What?"

"I have MANLY skills."

"Oh, Gabrielle, that’s terrible. Even by your standards, that’s really awful."

"Xena, I have to be twice as bad just to keep up with you."

Gabby heard some movement behind him, and wondered what Xena was up to, but thought he’d better continue with his peeing, first.

When he turned around, there was Xena completely naked.

"Xena..."

"Oh come on, Gabrielle. Don’t act like you haven’t thought about this."

He backed away, and she advanced on him slowly.

"Xena, this is a really bad idea..."

"No, this is a great idea. This is the best idea Artemis ever had. This is a gift of the gods."

"Xena, I thought you said your lips were sealed."

"Not those lips."

"Xena, please..."

"Gabrielle, men aren’t good for much, but they’re good for this much."

"Xena..."

"C’mon, Gabrielle, it’s the call of the weenie. Don’t ignore the call of the weenie."

"Xena..."

"Gabrielle, you’re a man now. Society approves. That’s part of being a man. Men have to be ready to do it any chance they get."

"Xena, you don’t want to do this."

"Oh, I know what I want. And you can’t hide what you want."

"Xena, no..."

"C’mon, baby, give it up for Xena."

She took his chin in one hand, and kissed those sweet lips. She put her other hand on his aroused member.

Gabrielle came through the woods rubbing her head. She saw Xena kissing a strange man with red hair, and then saw her Amazon staff on the ground.

"You rotten little thief!" she said.

Xena looked at her, and looked back at the red-haired man, who leaped away from her as quick as he could and started running through the woods. Xena went after him, and Gabrielle grabbed her staff and followed.

The man did up his pants while running. Then he stopped and pulled a dirk from his boot, and turned around and faced her with it.

"Oh, don’t even bother," said the naked warrior. He took a swipe at her with the dirk, she grabbed his hand and took the weapon from him.

She pinned him to a tree with one forearm under his chin as Gabrielle came running up to join them.

"OK, what exactly were you playing at?"

"Isn’t it obvious?"

"A full confession at this point might prevent me from killing you. Start with your name."

"I’m Jonas. My friends saw Gabrielle barding at a local tavern, and they said I look a little like her. They even call me Gabby sometimes, ‘cause I’m loquacious like her."

"Barding isn’t a verb," said Gabrielle.

"Yeah, well pedantic is a adjective," he said.

Xena said, "So you figured you were going to shtup the Warrior Princess?"

"I would’ve if she’d just take a little longer getting out of those ropes."

"What makes you think I would’ve gone along with you?" asked Xena.

He looked at the two of them and smirked.

"Oh, please," he said.

Xena grabbed him and slammed him against the tree again.

"Hey! Who seduced who? I played hard-to-get, remember? And you loved it. You loved it!"

"Never mind what I loved. How did you take out my partner?"

"A rock in a sack. From behind."

"Well, don’t you have guts," said Xena, tickling his midsection with the dirk. "Why don’t we see what they look like?"

"XENA! BACK OFF!" said Gabrielle. "This is between him and me. You just believed what you wanted to believe."

Xena released him and stepped back. Jonas smirked at both of them.

"I knew you wouldn’t let her hurt me," he said to the bard. "And now you’re going to forgive me because you’re Gabrielle, right?"

Gabrielle hit him once in the back of her head with her staff, and he went down like a tree.

"That’s it," she said. "That’s the end of it. Justice has been served."

"No, not quite yet," said Xena. "Let’s get in touch with Miss Artiphys. I’m thinking pink satin and white lace. What do you think?"

THE END


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