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Note: This sketch occurs after "The Deliverer" and before "Gabrielle's Hope."
Disclaimer: The characters belong to MCA/Universal. No copyright infringement implied, cuz it's parody. "The Changing of the Bard" ©copyright 1997 by JSandsmark@aol.com
"THE CHANGING OF THE BARD"
by Joanna
EXT. SOMEWHERE IN BRITANNIA - NIGHT
Xena and Gabrielle are finishing setting up camp. Xena is sharpening her sword (how unusual!) and Gabrielle is messing with the fire.
GABRIELLE
Guess I didn't get enough wood. Be right back.
XENA
Don't bother, I grabbed some.
GABRIELLE
When?
XENA
When I caught the stag.
Gabrielle glances over at the giant deer Xena caught earlier.
GABRIELLE
That reminds me. We usually just eat fish or rabbits. Why the Hungry Man Dinner?
XENA
You're eating for two now. And when I mentally doubled your normal appetite I figured that's approximately what we'd need if I wanted a nibble as well.
GABRIELLE
Good call.
Gabrielle throws the prepared stag on a spit over the fire.
XENA
So... are you going to talk about it?
GABRIELLE
About what?
XENA
About what, she says. You know darn well. The, uh, major change in your life.
GABRIELLE
Oh please, Xena, don't make me.
XENA
I think you should. You need to bring your feelings into the open.
GABRIELLE
But I can't talk about... about...
XENA
Your new sports bra.
GABRIELLE
I... I just can't! Not yet. It's too... new. Too fresh. Maybe later I can... Please, Xena, can't we talk about my loss of blood innocence instead? Or maybe my being impregnated by a demon? Something benign -- but not my... sp... sp... sp...
XENA
Sports bra.
GABRIELLE
That.
XENA
I think you need to talk about it, Gabrielle. If you keep these wardrobe changes bottled up inside you, it's going to eat away at your fashion sense until you suddenly explode and find yourself craving pasties and a g-string.
Gabrielle breaks down in sobs, running into Xena's arms. Xena holds her close, comforting the bard with soothing murmurs.
XENA (cont'd)
There, there. It's going to be okay.
GABRIELLE
Sure... you say that... but your leathers are virtually unchanged since the Herc eps.
XENA
Please, this is difficult enough without bringing up the darkness of my former costume.
GABRIELLE
Don't you see? I've never been like you. I've always changed costumes in a big, dramatic fashion. Not like your choosing a slightly lighter leather or switching from wiry scrolly things to solid scrolly things. But this time... my look... it's so subtle I...
(choking)
Oh, Xena... will anyone even notice?
XENA
I imagine people will notice your pregnancy. Pretend your once rippled abs are going through their own costume change.
GABRIELLE
It's a demon. I'll probably have it in less than 44 candle bits or something.
XENA
Yeah, isn't that always the way? Oh, and just so we're clear on this, I am NOT helping with diaper duty.
GABRIELLE
You think that's bad? I have to breast feed it!
XENA
By the way, Echidna sends her best wishes. Here, I'll read you her note.
(removes note from cleavage)
"Dear Gabwee-ehw, Congwadooashuns! Hope it wooks wike da faddah! Wuv, Echidna."
GABRIELLE
That's so sweet. She's so thoughtful.
XENA
And articulate. Always knows just what to say and how to say it.
Gabrielle sees a sweet, fluffy bunny. It walks up and sniffs her hand in a Disneylike fashion. Gabrielle grabs Xena's breast dagger and kills it.
XENA (cont'd)
(eyebrow raised)
You know... we really do have enough food.
GABRIELLE
I know. That was just for fun. Anyway, about my problem...
XENA
The sports bra?
GABRIELLE
What other problems do I have?
Gabrielle throws a rock, killing the first robin of spring, then kicks a puppy. She spies a village girl, doing her laundry by the stream. Quickly, the bard hurls the dagger into the girl's heart. Gabrielle's head spins, she spits green pea soup then smiles at Xena.
XENA
None that I can think of...
FADE OUT.
THE END
