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by Joanna
JSandsmark@aol.com
INT. PALACE - DAY
Zee Nah, Warrior Nanny, is humming to herself as she pages through a scroll
of Beauty Tips. Her hair is big, her mini-skirt is tight and her sword and
chakram are in their usual places. Gabriel enters carrying a baby girl.
GABRIELLE
Hey, Zee. Have you seen little Xenalah's
daggar? She lost it when she threw it at
Mr. Joxfield last night.
ZEE NAH
Sorry, Gabby. I'm sure it'll turn up in
someone.
(holds up the scroll)
Have you seen this? They claim that
cutting off a breast is coming back in
style. It's all the rage on Lesbos, and
yesterday on The Sappho Show, her guests
were three Amazons who were all raving
about their improved aim with a bow and
the women who loved them.
ENTER Mr. Joxfield, gray at the temples, smoking a pipe,
and wearing a china plate on his chest. A small daggar is
sticking straight out of the plate.
MR. JOXFIELD
I say, Miss Nah, I had a Hades of a time
getting hold of Euripedes last night.
And I just know Aristophanes is killing
my messengers. Have you heard anything
around town? Maybe at the Sharper
Chakram or something?
ZEE NAH
Oh Mr. Joxfield, you know I don't go
there anymore. So many gadgets.
I'm a simple woman with simple
tastes.
There is a knock on the door and Zee answers, signing for
a package. She rips it open and removes a solid gold
Chakram. She tries to hide it in her cleavage, but Mr.
Joxfield has already seen it.
MR. JOXFIELD
Miss Nah???
ZEE NAH
Okay, so I went there the other day.
But I couldn't help myself! They were
having such a sale. And I simply had
to have this as soon as I saw it. Isn't
it just too adorable?
Zee removes her old Chakrum and tosses it away. The
Chakram zips around the room, destroying vases, tables,
etc. Mr. Joxfield ducks just in time. From the Chakrum's
POV we see it hurtling toward the baby in Gabrielle's
arms. CUT TO a Close Up of the baby's upraised hand,
catching the Chakrum.
GABRIELLE
Look, Zee! Her first grab!
ZEE NAH
Oh! I knew she was special the
moment she was born! That Ares
may not be good for much, but he
sure is good breeding stock!
MR. JOXFIELD
Miss Nah! What about Aristophanes?
ZEE NAH
Now, Mr. Joxfield. You know how anxious
you get. He's probably just weighing his
options. I hear Salmoneus has opened a
new amphitheatre in Sparta.
Mr. Joxfield turns red with rage, his fists shaking. The
baby begins to cry at the tension in the room.
BABY
Waaa-yi-yi-yi!
GABRIELLE
Now look what you've done! And she's
armed, too.
The baby whips the chakrum toward Mr. Joxfield, which
takes off his helmet and shaves the hair off the top of his
head. The weapon imbeds itself in the wall, a clump of
hair hanging from it.
MR. JOXFIELD
Damn, and it just grew out from the
last time.
ZEE NAH
Tell you what, Mr. Joxfield. I'll go over
to Salmoneus and convince him that
Aristophanes just isn't the playwrite
for him.
Zee removes her sword and swings it in several dazzling
arcs, flipping it back and forth, accompanied by many
whooshes.
GABRIELLE
(upset)
I suppose you won't be home in time
for dinner then, will you? And after I
slaved all day in the kitchen fixing you
that special venison loaf you love so
much. Why I'll bet you don't even
remember what day this is!
Zee walks over to Gabby and puts her arm around her.
ZEE NAH
(conciliatory)
Of course I do, sweetheart. It's our
anniversary! Did you really think
I'd forget? Here.
Zee pulls a collapsable fighting stick from a pouch at her
waist.
GABRIELLE
(near tears)
Oh! It's beautiful! And so deadly! Thank
you, Zee! I'll treasure it always.
ZEE NAH
There, ya see? Ole Zee Nah doesn't
forget her little Gabbelah, now,
does she?
They snuggle for a moment. Mr. Joxfield hides the baby's
eyes.
MR. JOXFIELD
Not in front of the child! Please!
Take it to the blankets, for Aphrodite's
sake!
There's a knock at the door and Zee answers. Hercules
walks in, his sword drawn.
ZEE NAH
Herc, you handsome hunk! What brings
you to these parts?
HERCULES
Salmoneus sent me. He heard rumors
that you were going to try to shut him
down.
ZEE NAH
Since when do godlings listen to
rumors? Get a grip, Herc.
GABRIELLE
Now what are we going to do? We'll never
figure out who gets Aristophanes if
Zee can't skewer Sal!
From above, a god descends in a rickety chair,
accompanied by many squeaks of rusty machinery.
MR. JOXFIELD
Not the Deus Ex Machina! Again? Don't
you guys ever let us mortals work out
our problems for ourselves?
DEUS EX MACHINA
Sorry, Pops. Orders from Zeus. This puppy
is over.
While Gabby and Joxfield argue with the god and Zee and
Herc clash swords, the baby removes the daggar from
Joxfield's chest and throws it at the god, who slumps
over. Everyone stops and stares for a second.
ZEE NAH
Thank the gods there's never blood or
that would leave such a stain on my
new carpet!
FADE OUT.
THE END
