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Outside Renaissance Elementary, the kindergarten class with a young Lucy, Renee and other HTLJ and XWP people prepare for a field trip to the natural history museum
Teacher: (Standing by a bus) Alright children, I want you all in pairs of two and when you get on the bus, hand your permission slips to me and Renee's Mom
Lucy and Kevin start to go on
Lucy: Wait a bloody minute, I'm the star, I should go first!
Kevin: No freakin' way, I gave birth to you, I'm going first!
Ted: (Pushing past them both) I'M going first!
Kevin & Lucy: HEY
Ted: What's my last name?
Kevin: I HATE it when he does that
Lucy: TEDDY, where are your manners! - Haven't you ever heard of "ladies first," you furking, cockle-sucking wankhead?
Michael: Wait, let him go, don't you know that in bus accidents, the person in the first seat goes through the windshield?
Kevin: Go right ahead, Teddy!
Lucy: Take Hudson with you!
Hudson: Look, it's bad enough I have to sit next to him in class, why do I have to sit with him on the bus?
Lucy: Do you see anyone else wanting to sit with you, Transfer Girl?
The writers, led by Steven Sears, go on next
Steven: (Presenting his permission slip to the teacher) I rewrote it into a Chaucerian Stanza for you, teacher
Teacher: Thank you, Steven
All the children make "kissy" noises at him
Steven: You're all just jealous 'cause I'm an artiste!
Michael: A REAL artiste would've used a Spenserian Stanza
T.J. Scott climbs in through the window
Teacher: T.J., where's the permission slip?
T.J. bounces over and hands the teacher a sympathy card and a bucket of Valium Liz Friedman gets on next
Liz: Teacher, I just want you to know that I HIGHLY object to this field trip - Why is it called the HIStory museum? - It's HERstory as well!
Teacher: Your objection is noted, Liz, have a seat
Bob Field and Joe Lo Duca sit next to each other, clutching their mixing boards and cassettes
Teacher: Now, boys, you don't need all that equipment for a 20 minute ride
Bob: With my talent, I can turn 20 minutes into 2
Joe: And everything goes better with a soundtrack
Teacher: OK, is that everyone now?
Renee's Mom is pulling her daughter toward the bus
Momma: Renee, git on the bus
Renee: I aint gettin' on no bus
Momma: RENEE GIT ON THE BUS, NOW
Renee: I AINT GITTIN' ON NO BUS
Momma: What is wrong with ya, Lint Trap, it's big and long - I'd think you'd WANNA git on the bus!
Renee: IT'S YELLA...IT'S DISEASED
Momma: Renee, git on the bus
Momma: Alrighty then, I'se a-goin' with all your friends and I'se a-takin' your "Hello Kitty" pencil pack with me!
Renee: (Vaulting onto the bus) OUTTA M'WAY
During the ride, the teacher checks all of the children
Hudson: Teacher, Teddy won't stop licking my hair
Ted: It wasn't me, it was LIZ
Liz: TYPICAL "MALE SHIRKING RESPONSIBILITY" ANSWER
Ted: There's a strand of blonde hair hanging from your mouth
Liz: The LAPD must've planted it
Lucy: (Making "Meg faces" at the passing cars) Renee, you can stop sucking me thumb now, give others a chance
Renee: They all gave their turns to me
Lucy: And what did you give them in exchange?
Renee: Promissory notes that I wouldn't suck theirs
Lucy: (Popping her thumb back in Renee's mouth) Splendid
Teacher: Listen up, children, now's a good time to go over what I asked you to memorize yesterday, are we ready? - 1...2...3
Everyone: YOU TOUCH HISTORY, YOU BREAK HISTORY, YOU BECOME HISTORY
Steven: I can turn that into a Villanelle for extra credit
All the kids make "kissy" noises again
Joe: And I can put it to music with a Moroccan choir
Kevin and Michael corner Bob in the back of the bus
Kevin: (Whispering) Did you bring it, Bobby?
Michael: Is it the best one?
Bob: OF COURSE IT IS
Kevin: Shhh, teacher might hear!
Bob: Sorry, I'm just tired of everyone asking me that
Michael: (Grabbing Bob's bag) Is it in here?
Bob: Look, both of you meet me behind the Wooly Mammoth at 2:00
Kevin: Wooly Mammoth?
Bob: When the little hand reaches the 2 and the big hand reaches...just meet me behind the hairy elephant later
Kevin and Michael go to high five each other and miss
Lucy: Renee, why must you always bring your Mum on the field trips?
Renee: Hey, m'Momma LOVES me, doncha Momma?
Momma: (Looking through swatch books) Hush child, I'se tryin' to pick out new dining room curtains thanks to that there actin' check ya brang home
Momma: Here's a carrot, now skeedaddle!
Renee: (Cuddling the carrot) SEE, m'Momma LOVES me
The bus pulls up in front of the museum and everyone piles out
Teacher: Alright children, first, we'll visit the "Sea-Quarium Wing" then we'll make our way over to "The Caveman Corridor"
Teacher: I mean, "The CavePERSON Corridor"
A few minutes later, everyone looks around the marine exhibits
Ted: Funny, this all seems VERY familiar to me
Renee climbs on top of a giant submarine
Renee: I wanna live here!
Momma: YOU GIT DOWN FROM THERE THIS INSTANT, YOUNG LADY
Renee ignores her
Momma: RENEE, I AINT TELLIN' YA TWICE,
Renee continues to ignore her
Momma: JEAN-PIERRE O'CONNOR, DON'T MAKE ME COME UP THERE
Renee starts to climb down and slips
Momma: (Panicked) Whatever ya do, Tater Tot, don't fall on your face!
The star of "Sinbad" (?) comes over to save her
Renee: (Kicking him) Git outta here ya copycat - I don't need some drooly-fool boy a-helpin' me down!
A few minutes pass
Renee: (Starting to cry) LUUUUUUUUUUCYYYYYYYYYY, HEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEE DOOOOOOWN
Momma: I reckon there's a ladder in one of them back rooms, Lucy
Lucy: Surely you jest
Lucy saunters over, plucks Renee off with one finger and sets her down
Momma: Golly, you sure is a tall filly!
Lucy: I'm NOT tall...I'm vertically well-endowed
Renee: Oooh, Baby!
Teacher: Everyone, please sit down, we're going to watch a video about "The Creatures of the Deep" and then we'll have a discussion afterwards
They all watch
Teacher: Alright, what are your impressions?
Everyone: WHERE'S POSEIDON?
Teacher: Anything else?
Lucy: There may be starfish but there's only one REAL star!
Renee: Can we all see the Hammerhead Shark part again?
Kevin: All that water makes me wanna go fishing
Michael: Righty, let's spear us a huge tuna!
Kevin: What would we do with a huge tuna?
Michael: Don't look at me, mate, go ask Lucy
Ted: All that water makes me wanna do something else
Hudson: I wish I could be lost at sea right now!
Joe: I could take the crashing wave noises and set them to a samba beat
Bob: There was way too much wild sound, I found it profoundly disturbing
Liz: There's absolutely nothing wrong with fish odor, it's the most natural thing in the world
Steven: Our special effects people could come up with better creatures
All the kids make "kissy" noises again
Steven: WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? - For the first time I mention something BESIDES writing and I STILL get dissed?
Teacher: Let's continue our discussion - Over there, on the west wall, is a replica of a Grey Whale, the largest living mammal and vertebrate in the world
Renee: (Fainting) Ooohhh
Teacher: Can anyone tell me what a "vertebrate" is?
Kevin: Hey, Lucy, didn't you fracture a few?
Lucy: No, Kevin, you're thinking of "vertebrae" - the osteo mass and cartilaginous segments forming the spinal column - and I didn't fracture any of those
Kevin: What DID you fracture then?
Lucy: Me wee wee bone
Teacher: Any other guesses as to what a "vertebrate" is?
Bob: Can it be edited?
Joe: Can you play music on it?
Liz: It MEANS, an organism with a SPINE, something the boys here wouldn't understand
Teacher: Very good, Liz, now who can tell me what distinguishing feature a mammal has?..All the boys look at each other
Lucy: (Tilting her head to the side) Did someone call?
Teacher: Where's Renee?
Lucy points to an eel tank
Teacher: Renee, DON'T pet the eels - you can get a shock!
Renee grabs Ted and brings him over to the tank
Renee: Teddy, touch the eels, I DARE YA
Ted: Uh, I don't think I should
Renee: (Whispering) Hudson told me she'd like ya more if ya touch'em
Teacher: That's enough, children, we're going over to "Dinosaur Dungeon" now
Kevin: (Walking) Y'know, all this museum stuff is a load of crap - what matters is Yankee Stadium or the Superdome - THAT'S how you score the chicks!
Michael: Think so?
Kevin: ABSOLUTELY - Here, let's try it out on Hudson - HEY, HUDSON, C'MERE
Hudson sighs and walks over
Kevin: What's more important? - A limo with a hot tub or the date of the first wheel?
Hudson: Excuse me?
Kevin: A beautiful girl, like yourself, would take a jock over a history professor ANYTIME, right?
Hudson: At this point, I'd take anyone who could transport me away from here!
Michael: I still think there are other things in a Jackaroo a Jillaroo would go for...
Steven: (To Hudson) I would write an essay on your beauty!
Joe: I would write a song on your beauty!
T.J. (Chasing an old lady) Tieupthedocenttieupthedocenttieupthedocent
Bob: I would edit footage of your parents' anniversary party into a KISS video!
Liz: I WILL remember your last name, birthday and be understanding of your PMS tirades!
Hudson: (Taking Liz's arm) SEE YA
The curator comes over to the teacher
Curator: It appears we are missing a fossil!
Teacher: (Looking around) RENEE, is that a Brontosaurus bone in your pants?
Lucy: Nah, she's just happy to be me friend
Momma: PUT IT BACK, YOUNGIN', PUT IT BACK RIGHT NOW BEFORE WE HAS TA PAY FOR IT
Renee: Don't worry, Momma, I'se doin' another Herc cross-over this week - I git paid double!
Momma: HOOWEE - SHOW ME THE DINARS, BABY, WE'SE GITTIN' VACATION PROPERTY IN ARKANSAS
Renee: But I thought we'se gittin' a mosaic of the Alamo in our pool?
Momma: Next time, Sugar, next time!
Kevin comes running over
Kevin: (Out of breath) We should go to the Art Museum next door!
Steven, Joe and Bob pass out from the shock
Michael: I don't believe you just said that!
Kevin: They have pictures of naked chicks on the walls!
Michael: They do?
Liz: THEY DO?
They start to take off
Teacher: Children, remember, no running! - Now, have a seat, we're about to hear from the museum's archaeologist
The archaeologist goes up to the microphone
Lucy: A microphone! - I wanna sing
Renee: I'll hold the mike for ya
Archaeologist: Would you two please be quiet? - I'm trying to explain the Mesozoic Era to you
Both girls are taken aback and look at each other
Lucy: (To Renee) This one's GOT to go
Renee: (To Lucy) I'll git the brandin' irons
Archaeologist: Girls, if you keep talking, I'm going to ask you to leave!
Lucy: (Getting up) No need to ask
Renee: (Following) HEY, I played a archaeologist on the show and I aint HALF as borin' as y'all!
Lucy: AND she had a cooler outfit!
Ted: (To the archaeologist) Don't worry, I still like you
Archaeologist: Wonderful, you can help me brush dirt, later
Kevin and Michael are gawking at a Pterodactyl Bob comes over and bonks them with a cassette
Bob: How does that EVEN resemble a hairy elephant?
Kevin: (Grabbing the cassette) GIVE IT, GIVE IT
Michael: OH NO, here comes teacher!
Teacher: (Taking the cassette) Boys, what are you up to?
Bob: Nothing, teacher, I was just giving Kevin and Michael my "Best of National Geographic Explorer" tape
The teacher doubles over with laughter and then peels the off the label
Teacher: "Thai Girl Tricks II"
Kevin and Michael run away
Bob: Sorry, teacher, but what do you expect? - I sit alone in a cold, dark room all day with machines...and that's just at home
Teacher: You understand, Bobby, I'll need to call your mother and tell her what you've done
Bob: Go right ahead, she has no idea what I do anyway!
The teacher calls over the zoologist
Teacher: Take care of T.J.
Zoologist: No problem
The zoologist shoots T.J. with a tranquilizer gun
Renee: Ooooh, I wanna shoot the gun
Zoologist: What do you want me to do with him?
Lucy: Stuff him
Teacher: Unfortunately, that's not an option
Lucy: Mount him
Teacher: Lucy, that's not the solution to everything
Bob: Tie him to the hood of the bus
Renee: Ya can't tie him to the hood of the bus, he don't got no antlers
Bob: You're right...LET'S TIE HIM TO THE EXHAUST PIPE
Teacher: LISTEN UP, CHILDREN, we'll be eating our lunches in the Egyptian Hall...and please remember, a sarcophagus is NOT a trash can!
All the children sit on the floor to eat their lunch
Liz: Teacher, I don't think it's culturally sensitive to sit "Indian-Style" anymore
Teacher: Your objection is noted, Liz, please eat your lunch
Joe: (Eying a gong in the Mongolian Exhibit) It's too quite in here, we need some ambience
Teacher: Don't even THINK about it, Joe - Steven, where's your lunch?
Steven: I'm a poor writer, I need to beg for my lunch
Teacher: Aw, I'm so sorry, Steven...here, you can have mine!
All the kids make "kissy" noises at him again
Steven: (Making the noises back) Teacher has a bag of Doritos with lunch and they're all MINE
Kevin and Michael are beating up Ted for his lunch Hudson is sitting with her bag over her head Renee's Mom notices a giant timeline on the wall
Momma: (Pointing) Does anyone know what that there thang is?
Everyone looks at each other in bewilderment
Lucy: (Opening her "Wonder Woman" lunchbox) Super, another mutton and vegemite sandwich
Renee: I gots me a hot dog on a stick
Lucy: Shocking - Wanna trade?
Lucy: C'mon Renee, you're me best friend/implicit lover on the show, gimme the damn hot dog!
Renee: DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE
Lucy: (Looking up) MUMMY
Renee: (Scared) AINT THEY ALL DEAD?
Lucy: No, MY Mummy
Lucy's Mum is standing over her
Mum: Good Lord, child, what demon has possessed you now?
Lucy: What are you doing here?
Mum: Sister Mary Margaret Catherine Ann Pippa told me you've been dodging school to cavort with these...these...AMERICANS
Lucy: Oh, but Mummy, they're spunky!
Mum: Where's your uniform?
Lucy: I gave it up for Lent
Renee: (Giggling) That aint all she gave up
Lucy smacks Renee on the nose with the hot dog
Mum: Daughter, don't you realise that we're grooming you to become the next Prime Minister? - Your behaviour is beyond reproach!
Lucy: BUT MUMMY?
Mum: (Shaking her head) You would've been queen of the beehive, now we'll be lucky to get you a job in the Inland Revenue Department
Lucy: Can I keep just one American, please? - I promise to take care of it!
Mum: Americans are smelly and they stain the carpeting but if you're a really good girl, Father might let you have a Canadian...come along!
Lucy: (Crying) Can't I just stay for the rest of the day, PLEEEEEEEASE?
Mum: Very well, I'll see you later then...and bring Michael too, we don't need his parents blaming us for this mess
Lucy: Just blame the writers, that's what we do
Teacher: Alright, children, it's time to go into the "Universal Planetarium" - On your way inside, remove any gum from your mouth and DON'T stick it under the Apollo13 display!
The children start to rush in as the kindergarten class from DS9 Elementary exits
Renaissance kids: (Thumbing their noses) WE'RE NUMBER ONE, WE'RE NUMBER ONE - NAH NAH NAH
The DS9 kids take out their phasers and blast them into piles of carbon
Steven: I SHOULD'VE written for them
Lucy: I'm STILL beautiful, aren't I?
Renee: I wish I could fire a phaser
Kevin: So much for conditioner
Michael: Hey Kev, I'm the same size as you now
Liz: For once, we are ALL equal
Joe: How am I going to play my instruments?
Bob: Don't worry, with a little splicing tape, we'll be as good as new
Ted: Hey Hudson, do you see me in a different light now?
Hudson: I wonder if I could get a job as Heather Locklear's eyeshadow?