Xindergarten II - The Field Trip

Outside Renaissance Elementary, the kindergarten class with a young Lucy, Renee and other HTLJ and XWP people prepare for a field trip to the natural history museum

Teacher: (Standing by a bus) Alright children, I want you all in pairs of two and when you get on the bus, hand your permission slips to me and Renee's Mom

Lucy and Kevin start to go on

Lucy: Wait a bloody minute, I'm the star, I should go first!

Kevin: No freakin' way, I gave birth to you, I'm going first!

Ted: (Pushing past them both) I'M going first!

Kevin & Lucy: HEY

Ted: What's my last name?

Kevin: I HATE it when he does that

Lucy: TEDDY, where are your manners! - Haven't you ever heard of "ladies first," you furking, cockle-sucking wankhead?

Michael: Wait, let him go, don't you know that in bus accidents, the person in the first seat goes through the windshield?

Kevin: Go right ahead, Teddy!

Lucy: Take Hudson with you!

Hudson: Look, it's bad enough I have to sit next to him in class, why do I have to sit with him on the bus?

Lucy: Do you see anyone else wanting to sit with you, Transfer Girl?

The writers, led by Steven Sears, go on next

Steven: (Presenting his permission slip to the teacher) I rewrote it into a Chaucerian Stanza for you, teacher

Teacher: Thank you, Steven

All the children make "kissy" noises at him

Steven: You're all just jealous 'cause I'm an artiste!

Michael: A REAL artiste would've used a Spenserian Stanza

T.J. Scott climbs in through the window

Teacher: T.J., where's the permission slip?

T.J. bounces over and hands the teacher a sympathy card and a bucket of Valium Liz Friedman gets on next

Liz: Teacher, I just want you to know that I HIGHLY object to this field trip - Why is it called the HIStory museum? - It's HERstory as well!

Teacher: Your objection is noted, Liz, have a seat

Bob Field and Joe Lo Duca sit next to each other, clutching their mixing boards and cassettes

Teacher: Now, boys, you don't need all that equipment for a 20 minute ride

Bob: With my talent, I can turn 20 minutes into 2

Joe: And everything goes better with a soundtrack

Teacher: OK, is that everyone now?

Renee's Mom is pulling her daughter toward the bus

Momma: Renee, git on the bus

Renee: I aint gettin' on no bus

Momma: RENEE GIT ON THE BUS, NOW

Renee: I AINT GITTIN' ON NO BUS

Momma: What is wrong with ya, Lint Trap, it's big and long - I'd think you'd WANNA git on the bus!

Renee: IT'S YELLA...IT'S DISEASED

Momma: Renee, git on the bus

Renee: NOOOOO

Momma: Alrighty then, I'se a-goin' with all your friends and I'se a-takin' your "Hello Kitty" pencil pack with me!

Renee: (Vaulting onto the bus) OUTTA M'WAY

During the ride, the teacher checks all of the children

Hudson: Teacher, Teddy won't stop licking my hair

Ted: It wasn't me, it was LIZ

Liz: TYPICAL "MALE SHIRKING RESPONSIBILITY" ANSWER

Ted: There's a strand of blonde hair hanging from your mouth

Liz: The LAPD must've planted it

T.J.: Tieupthebusdrivertiethebusdrivertieupthebusdriver

Lucy: (Making "Meg faces" at the passing cars) Renee, you can stop sucking me thumb now, give others a chance

Renee: They all gave their turns to me

Lucy: And what did you give them in exchange?

Renee: Promissory notes that I wouldn't suck theirs

Lucy: (Popping her thumb back in Renee's mouth) Splendid

Teacher: Listen up, children, now's a good time to go over what I asked you to memorize yesterday, are we ready? - 1...2...3

Everyone: YOU TOUCH HISTORY, YOU BREAK HISTORY, YOU BECOME HISTORY

Teacher: Excellent

Steven: I can turn that into a Villanelle for extra credit

All the kids make "kissy" noises again

Joe: And I can put it to music with a Moroccan choir

Kevin and Michael corner Bob in the back of the bus

Kevin: (Whispering) Did you bring it, Bobby?

Michael: Is it the best one?

Bob: OF COURSE IT IS

Kevin: Shhh, teacher might hear!

Bob: Sorry, I'm just tired of everyone asking me that

Michael: (Grabbing Bob's bag) Is it in here?

Bob: Look, both of you meet me behind the Wooly Mammoth at 2:00

Kevin: Wooly Mammoth?

Michael: 2:00?

Bob: When the little hand reaches the 2 and the big hand reaches...just meet me behind the hairy elephant later

Kevin and Michael go to high five each other and miss

Lucy: Renee, why must you always bring your Mum on the field trips?

Renee: Hey, m'Momma LOVES me, doncha Momma?

Momma: (Looking through swatch books) Hush child, I'se tryin' to pick out new dining room curtains thanks to that there actin' check ya brang home

Renee: But?

Momma: Here's a carrot, now skeedaddle!

Renee: (Cuddling the carrot) SEE, m'Momma LOVES me

The bus pulls up in front of the museum and everyone piles out

Teacher: Alright children, first, we'll visit the "Sea-Quarium Wing" then we'll make our way over to "The Caveman Corridor"

Liz: AHEM

Teacher: I mean, "The CavePERSON Corridor"

Children: YAY

A few minutes later, everyone looks around the marine exhibits

Ted: Funny, this all seems VERY familiar to me

Renee climbs on top of a giant submarine

Renee: I wanna live here!

Momma: YOU GIT DOWN FROM THERE THIS INSTANT, YOUNG LADY

Renee ignores her

Momma: RENEE, I AINT TELLIN' YA TWICE,

Renee continues to ignore her

Momma: JEAN-PIERRE O'CONNOR, DON'T MAKE ME COME UP THERE

Renee starts to climb down and slips

Momma: (Panicked) Whatever ya do, Tater Tot, don't fall on your face!

The star of "Sinbad" (?) comes over to save her

Renee: (Kicking him) Git outta here ya copycat - I don't need some drooly-fool boy a-helpin' me down!

A few minutes pass

Renee: (Starting to cry) LUUUUUUUUUUCYYYYYYYYYY, HEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEE DOOOOOOWN

Momma: I reckon there's a ladder in one of them back rooms, Lucy

Lucy: Surely you jest

Lucy saunters over, plucks Renee off with one finger and sets her down

Momma: Golly, you sure is a tall filly!

Lucy: I'm NOT tall...I'm vertically well-endowed

Renee: Oooh, Baby!

Teacher: Everyone, please sit down, we're going to watch a video about "The Creatures of the Deep" and then we'll have a discussion afterwards

They all watch

Teacher: Alright, what are your impressions?

Everyone: WHERE'S POSEIDON?

Teacher: Anything else?

Lucy: There may be starfish but there's only one REAL star!

Renee: Can we all see the Hammerhead Shark part again?

Kevin: All that water makes me wanna go fishing

Michael: Righty, let's spear us a huge tuna!

Kevin: What would we do with a huge tuna?

Michael: Don't look at me, mate, go ask Lucy

Ted: All that water makes me wanna do something else

Hudson: I wish I could be lost at sea right now!

Joe: I could take the crashing wave noises and set them to a samba beat

Bob: There was way too much wild sound, I found it profoundly disturbing

T.J.: Tieuptheturtletieuptheturtletieuptheturtletieuptheturtle

Liz: There's absolutely nothing wrong with fish odor, it's the most natural thing in the world

Steven: Our special effects people could come up with better creatures

All the kids make "kissy" noises again

Steven: WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? - For the first time I mention something BESIDES writing and I STILL get dissed?

Teacher: Let's continue our discussion - Over there, on the west wall, is a replica of a Grey Whale, the largest living mammal and vertebrate in the world

Renee: (Fainting) Ooohhh

Teacher: Can anyone tell me what a "vertebrate" is?

Kevin: Hey, Lucy, didn't you fracture a few?

Lucy: No, Kevin, you're thinking of "vertebrae" - the osteo mass and cartilaginous segments forming the spinal column - and I didn't fracture any of those

Kevin: What DID you fracture then?

Lucy: Me wee wee bone

Teacher: Any other guesses as to what a "vertebrate" is?

Bob: Can it be edited?

Joe: Can you play music on it?

T.J.: Tieupthevertebratetieupthevertebratetieupthevertebrate

Liz: It MEANS, an organism with a SPINE, something the boys here wouldn't understand

Teacher: Very good, Liz, now who can tell me what distinguishing feature a mammal has?..All the boys look at each other

Boys: BOOBS

Lucy: (Tilting her head to the side) Did someone call?

Teacher: Where's Renee?

Lucy points to an eel tank

Teacher: Renee, DON'T pet the eels - you can get a shock!

Renee: REALLY?

Renee grabs Ted and brings him over to the tank

Renee: Teddy, touch the eels, I DARE YA

Ted: Uh, I don't think I should

Renee: (Whispering) Hudson told me she'd like ya more if ya touch'em

Ted: REALLY?

Teacher: That's enough, children, we're going over to "Dinosaur Dungeon" now

Everyone: YAY

Kevin: (Walking) Y'know, all this museum stuff is a load of crap - what matters is Yankee Stadium or the Superdome - THAT'S how you score the chicks!

Michael: Think so?

Kevin: ABSOLUTELY - Here, let's try it out on Hudson - HEY, HUDSON, C'MERE

Hudson sighs and walks over

Hudson: Yes?

Kevin: What's more important? - A limo with a hot tub or the date of the first wheel?

Hudson: Excuse me?

Kevin: A beautiful girl, like yourself, would take a jock over a history professor ANYTIME, right?

Hudson: At this point, I'd take anyone who could transport me away from here!

Michael: I still think there are other things in a Jackaroo a Jillaroo would go for...

Steven: (To Hudson) I would write an essay on your beauty!

Joe: I would write a song on your beauty!

T.J. (Chasing an old lady) Tieupthedocenttieupthedocenttieupthedocent

Bob: I would edit footage of your parents' anniversary party into a KISS video!

Liz: I WILL remember your last name, birthday and be understanding of your PMS tirades!

Hudson: (Taking Liz's arm) SEE YA

The curator comes over to the teacher

Curator: It appears we are missing a fossil!

Teacher: (Looking around) RENEE, is that a Brontosaurus bone in your pants?

Lucy: Nah, she's just happy to be me friend

Momma: PUT IT BACK, YOUNGIN', PUT IT BACK RIGHT NOW BEFORE WE HAS TA PAY FOR IT

Renee: Don't worry, Momma, I'se doin' another Herc cross-over this week - I git paid double!

Momma: HOOWEE - SHOW ME THE DINARS, BABY, WE'SE GITTIN' VACATION PROPERTY IN ARKANSAS

Renee: But I thought we'se gittin' a mosaic of the Alamo in our pool?

Momma: Next time, Sugar, next time!

Kevin comes running over

Kevin: (Out of breath) We should go to the Art Museum next door!

Steven, Joe and Bob pass out from the shock

Michael: I don't believe you just said that!

Kevin: They have pictures of naked chicks on the walls!

Michael: They do?

Liz: THEY DO?

They start to take off

Teacher: Children, remember, no running! - Now, have a seat, we're about to hear from the museum's archaeologist

The archaeologist goes up to the microphone

Lucy: A microphone! - I wanna sing

Renee: I'll hold the mike for ya

Archaeologist: Would you two please be quiet? - I'm trying to explain the Mesozoic Era to you

Both girls are taken aback and look at each other

Lucy: (To Renee) This one's GOT to go

Renee: (To Lucy) I'll git the brandin' irons

Archaeologist: Girls, if you keep talking, I'm going to ask you to leave!

Lucy: (Getting up) No need to ask

Renee: (Following) HEY, I played a archaeologist on the show and I aint HALF as borin' as y'all!

Lucy: AND she had a cooler outfit!

Ted: (To the archaeologist) Don't worry, I still like you

Archaeologist: Wonderful, you can help me brush dirt, later

Kevin and Michael are gawking at a Pterodactyl Bob comes over and bonks them with a cassette

Bob: How does that EVEN resemble a hairy elephant?

Kevin: (Grabbing the cassette) GIVE IT, GIVE IT

Michael: OH NO, here comes teacher!

Teacher: (Taking the cassette) Boys, what are you up to?

Bob: Nothing, teacher, I was just giving Kevin and Michael my "Best of National Geographic Explorer" tape

The teacher doubles over with laughter and then peels the off the label

Teacher: "Thai Girl Tricks II"

Kevin and Michael run away

Bob: Sorry, teacher, but what do you expect? - I sit alone in a cold, dark room all day with machines...and that's just at home

Teacher: You understand, Bobby, I'll need to call your mother and tell her what you've done

Bob: Go right ahead, she has no idea what I do anyway!

T.J.: Tieuptheteachertieuptheteachertieuptheteacher

The teacher calls over the zoologist

Teacher: Take care of T.J.

Zoologist: No problem

The zoologist shoots T.J. with a tranquilizer gun

Renee: Ooooh, I wanna shoot the gun

Zoologist: What do you want me to do with him?

Lucy: Stuff him

Teacher: Unfortunately, that's not an option

Lucy: Mount him

Teacher: Lucy, that's not the solution to everything

Bob: Tie him to the hood of the bus

Renee: Ya can't tie him to the hood of the bus, he don't got no antlers

Bob: You're right...LET'S TIE HIM TO THE EXHAUST PIPE

Teacher: LISTEN UP, CHILDREN, we'll be eating our lunches in the Egyptian Hall...and please remember, a sarcophagus is NOT a trash can!

All the children sit on the floor to eat their lunch

Liz: Teacher, I don't think it's culturally sensitive to sit "Indian-Style" anymore

Teacher: Your objection is noted, Liz, please eat your lunch

Joe: (Eying a gong in the Mongolian Exhibit) It's too quite in here, we need some ambience

Teacher: Don't even THINK about it, Joe - Steven, where's your lunch?

Steven: I'm a poor writer, I need to beg for my lunch

Teacher: Aw, I'm so sorry, Steven...here, you can have mine!

Steven: THANKS

All the kids make "kissy" noises at him again

Steven: (Making the noises back) Teacher has a bag of Doritos with lunch and they're all MINE

Kevin and Michael are beating up Ted for his lunch Hudson is sitting with her bag over her head Renee's Mom notices a giant timeline on the wall

Momma: (Pointing) Does anyone know what that there thang is?

Everyone looks at each other in bewilderment

Lucy: (Opening her "Wonder Woman" lunchbox) Super, another mutton and vegemite sandwich

Renee: I gots me a hot dog on a stick

Lucy: Shocking - Wanna trade?

Renee: Nosiree!

Lucy: C'mon Renee, you're me best friend/implicit lover on the show, gimme the damn hot dog!

Renee: DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE

Lucy: (Looking up) MUMMY

Renee: (Scared) AINT THEY ALL DEAD?

Lucy: No, MY Mummy

Lucy's Mum is standing over her

Mum: Good Lord, child, what demon has possessed you now?

Lucy: What are you doing here?

Mum: Sister Mary Margaret Catherine Ann Pippa told me you've been dodging school to cavort with these...these...AMERICANS

Lucy: Oh, but Mummy, they're spunky!

Mum: Where's your uniform?

Lucy: I gave it up for Lent

Renee: (Giggling) That aint all she gave up

Lucy smacks Renee on the nose with the hot dog

Mum: Daughter, don't you realise that we're grooming you to become the next Prime Minister? - Your behaviour is beyond reproach!

Lucy: BUT MUMMY?

Mum: (Shaking her head) You would've been queen of the beehive, now we'll be lucky to get you a job in the Inland Revenue Department

Lucy: Can I keep just one American, please? - I promise to take care of it!

Mum: Americans are smelly and they stain the carpeting but if you're a really good girl, Father might let you have a Canadian...come along!

Lucy: (Crying) Can't I just stay for the rest of the day, PLEEEEEEEASE?

Mum: Very well, I'll see you later then...and bring Michael too, we don't need his parents blaming us for this mess

Lucy: Just blame the writers, that's what we do

Teacher: Alright, children, it's time to go into the "Universal Planetarium" - On your way inside, remove any gum from your mouth and DON'T stick it under the Apollo13 display!

The children start to rush in as the kindergarten class from DS9 Elementary exits

Renaissance kids: (Thumbing their noses) WE'RE NUMBER ONE, WE'RE NUMBER ONE - NAH NAH NAH

The DS9 kids take out their phasers and blast them into piles of carbon

Steven: I SHOULD'VE written for them

Lucy: I'm STILL beautiful, aren't I?

Renee: I wish I could fire a phaser

Kevin: So much for conditioner

Michael: Hey Kev, I'm the same size as you now

Liz: For once, we are ALL equal

Joe: How am I going to play my instruments?

Bob: Don't worry, with a little splicing tape, we'll be as good as new

T.J.: Tieuptheatomstieuptheatomstieuptheatoms

Ted: Hey Hudson, do you see me in a different light now?

Hudson: I wonder if I could get a job as Heather Locklear's eyeshadow?

Lizzy/Tendre
N10DRE2@aol.com

Return to my Fan Fiction Page