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A teacher walks into the kindergarten class with a young Lucy, Renee and other "XWP" and "HTLJ" people
Teacher: Goodmorning class!
Class: Goodmorning teacher!
Lucy skips over and holds up a leg of lamb Renee follows behind
Lucy: Here teacher, I brought this for you
Teacher: Why thank you, Lucy, that's very nice
Renee: (Cuddling an ax) I helped her chop it!
Teacher: Thank you, Renee
Both girls giggle and skip back to their seats
T.J. Scott is running around in circles and jumping on the desks
T.J.: Suck ups!
Teacher: T.J., that wasn't very nice
Lucy: He just don't like us 'cause he has to take Ritalin
Renee: Yeah, 'cause he has to take Ritalin
T.J.: Do not!
Lucy & Renee: Do too!
T.J.: DO NOT
Lucy & Renee: DO TOO
Teacher: Children, settle down!
Joe Lo Duca is sitting in a corner angrily banging on a miniature xylophone
Teacher: What's the matter, Joe?
Joe: I'm a musician, I need quiet
Lucy: He's mad 'cause his Mommy won't let him play "Rap"
Renee: AND she took away all his "Deep Forest" CDs
Joe: Shuddup, you cootieheads!
Teacher: OK class, that's enough - Now, before we begin today's lesson, I want to introduce a new student to our school, say "Hi" to Hudson
Hudson walks in and starts to sit between Lucy and Renee The girls bare their Bacchae fangs at her
Lucy & Renee: NO ONE COMES BETWEEN US EXCEPT OUR CALVINS
Hudson quickly cowers over to a seat near the writers
Lucy & Renee: DON'T SIT NEXT TO THEM...EEEEEWWWWW
Ted: (Pointing to an open desk next to him) It's OK, you sit by me!
Hudson: (Folding her arms and sighing) I guess
Ted: Do you think you'll like me? - No one else does
Hudson: Is that a Twinkie in your "Aqua-Man" lunch box?
Hudson: Can I have it?
Ted: (Thinking for a second) OK
Hudson: Then I like you
Kevin and Michael look in the window and pound on the door
Teacher: (Opening it) You two are tardy again
Kevin: I had to blow-dry my hair
Michael: Yeah and I had to watch
Teacher: That isn't a good enough reason, I shouldn't even let you in!
Kevin: HEY, I will NOT have doors slammed in my face, those days are over!
Teacher: Alright, sit down and take off your shirt
Michael: Can I take off me shirt, too?
Teacher: Your shirt is already off
Michael: Oh yeah!
Teacher: It's time to turn in your coloring assignment from yesterday, please pass them forward
They all do
Teacher: (Looking at them) Very nice, class - I see Lucy has done another self-portrait...Renee, another red rocketship...Teddy, did your brother help you again?
Ted: No, teacher, I swear I drew it all myself!
Teacher: Well then, it's a very unique "Frosty the Snowman" - Oh, wait a minute...Bobby Fields...did you use the best crayon for this?
Bob: OF COURSE I USED THE BEST CRAYON - WHY WOULDN'T I USE THE BEST CRAYON?
The teacher looks at him for a minute
Bob: OK, OK...I DIDN'T use the best crayon but that's only because RENEE IS HOARDING THEM ALL
Renee: AM NOT
The teacher opens Renee's desk drawer Out falls a bunch of crayons, a set of "Lincoln Logs" and a cap gun
Renee: I just didn't want no one pokin' their eyes out
Lucy: Yeah, they wouldn't be able to see how gorgeous I am if they did!
Hudson: Excuse me, I smell smoke
Lucy: (To Renee) Will you save me or the box of rulers?
Renee: (On the verge of tears) DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE
The teacher goes over the the play area and takes a burnt "Barbie" out of the "Easy-Bake Oven"
Teacher: LIZ FRIEDMAN - DID YOU DO THIS?
Liz: (Grinning) Of course not, teacher, it was one of the writers!
Kevin: YEAH, IT'S ALWAYS THE WRITERS' FAULT
Writers: SHUDDUP, FABIO
Kevin: Why am I surrounded by such dags?
Michael: HEY, that's ME slang, give it back!
Kevin: I could be a Viking, a Twin, a Timberwolf...
Michael: A Timberwolf?
Kevin: Forget that...I could be a North Star!
Renee: They'se MY Stars now...DALLAS Stars, this year's Stanley Cup Champions!
Teacher: Alright class, it's time for phys. ed. - the writers will work on their "stretching" and "reaching" exercises while the actors work on subtle, non-verbal communication
Teacher: (To Lucy and Renee) GIRLS, GIRLS...I said SUBTLE...that means no tongue!
Lucy: I'm tired of arching me eyebrow, I wanted to try something else
Hudson: HIIISSSSS, HISSSSSSS
Teacher: Pretty good, Hudson, it's somewhere between an angry cat and a leaky tire, keep trying
Ted: OWWW - TEACHER, TEACHER...Renee bit me!
Renee: He's taking away my screentime
Teacher: Renee, what do we say?
Renee: I dunno
Teacher: If you don't apologize, I'm taking away your "Erector Set" privileges!
Renee: Sorry, Teddy
Teacher: And what do we say about biting people who AREN'T Bacchae?
Renee: We don't scream, we don't shout, we keep our teeth inside our mouth
Lucy: Oh Renee, you emoted that so well
Lucy & Renee: (Taking a bow) Thank you!
Teacher: OK, children, I want you all to break up into playgroups of 3 or more
Lucy and Renee shriek in terror
Lucy & Renee: NO NO - NO NO - NO NO
Teacher: Girls, if you keep this up I WILL separate you two
Both girls desperately cling to each other The teacher brings over Steven Sears to play with them
Teacher: Be nice!
Lucy: (Throwing something at Steven) Here's an eraser...I'm sure you can put it to good use
Steven: Why can't I play "Candyland" with you two?
Lucy: We only like playing with ourselves!
Steven: Must you do everything together?
Renee: That's the way the audience likes us
Lucy: We got a letter saying people would pay BIG money to watch us stare at each other for an hour so we don't need your stupid words
Renee: Nobody cares if y'all live or die
Steven: OH YEAH? - YOU TWO ARE NOTHING BUT PRETTY MANNEQUINS WITHOUT ME
Lucy: Answer this, bright boy - What does the television audience dream about screwing in a tub of chocolate pudding...a pretty mannequin or a subjunctive clause?
Steven: Do you even know what a subjunctive clause IS?
Lucy: A hypothetical Santa
Renee: Ooh, I hopes he brangs me another train set this year!
Steven: You two are...are...
Lucy: What's the matter, Mr. Scribe, at a loss for words?
Renee: I thought his name was "Sears?"
Steven sticks out his tongue and razzes both of them Lucy retaliates by running over and sitting on him
Teacher: Lucy, get off of Steven right now! - You know the writers don't like to be sat on
Lucy: Maybe that's their problem
Renee: Don't worry, Lucy, ya can always sit on me!
Lucy gets off of Steven, toddles over and flops on Renee
Steven: (Crying) She broke my belt watch!
Teacher: You still have the ones on your shoelaces
Steven: (Looking down) Oh right...and left
The teacher goes over to inspect the other play groups Kevin, Micheal and Ted try to impress Hudson by playing Australian Rules Hopscotch Bob and Joe shove Liz in the coat closet while T.J. climbs on top of it and swings down on a roll-up map The writers are making things with "Legos"
Teacher: (Watching the writers) Very inventive! - I must say I was a little disappointed with your earlier efforts but I definitely see some improvement now!
The writers look at each other in horror and promptly smash all of their creations
Teacher: Alright children, listen up, I have an announcement to make about the class play - The lead role of "Indiana Jones" goes to...
Kevin, Michael and Lucy step forward
Lucy: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Michael: I KNEW I shoulda got me boobs done!
Renee: I'SE GONNA BE INDY, INDY INDY INDY, ME ME ME
Teacher: Lucy, stop pulling your dress up...that won't change anything
Renee: Oh Lucy, aint ya happy for me?
Lucy shoves Renee into a pile of "Tinker Toys" Renee becomes entranced by the sticks
Teacher: That's enough! - Now, on with today's vocabulary word...can anyone...BESIDES THE WRITERS...spell "nepotism?"
The actors sit dumbfounded
Ted: I'll give it a try...R-A-I-M-I
Teacher: Almost, but not quite
Hudson: How about B-L-A-T-E-N-T?
Teacher: No, sorry - Kevin, Micheal...would either of you like to try?
Kevin: HEY, WE'RE JOCKS
Michael: It's in our contract that we don't have to spell!
The teacher looks at the other students
Joe: Let's see...F-sharp, B, C-minor...
Bob: N-P-M...the EDITED version!
Teacher: Where did Lucy and Renee run off to?
Steven: They went to the bathroom to work out some issues...and you spell nepotism, N-E-P-O-T-I-S-M
Teacher: Thank you, Steven
The writers cheer while the others pelt him with paste balls
Lucy and Renee return A pouting Lucy marches up to the teacher and presents her with a letter while Renee proudly holds a flag pole displaying the New Zealand banner
Teacher: (Reading the letter) Well class, Lucy feels that were are insensitive to her cultural background - So, starting today, we will be studying "Kiwionics"
Michael: Crikey, about bloody time!
Kevin: OH, C'MON
Liz: Try to be more accepting of other lifestyles, you Land O' Lakes ice-fishing snow drift!
Teacher: Settle down, settle down - Now, who can tell me what a "bluey" is?
Lucy and Michael spaz in their seats
Teacher: BESIDES Lucy and Michael...too hard? - OK, how about "cornies?"
Silence fills the room
Teacher: One more...a "dunny"
Teacher: Alright, Lucy, why don't you tell them about words in your country?
Lucy: Have no clue? Do not cry! Take a word and add a "y"
Kevin: That's all you do?
Renee: So your real name is "Luc"
Lucy: (Winking) That's what it says in the boys' locker room
Teacher: (Looking at her watch) It's time for "Show n' Tell" - Who wants to go first?
Michael stands up
Michael: I really don't have anything to show, BUT, I would like to TELL a Shakespearean sonnet
Steven: HEY, THAT'S WHAT I HAD IN MIND
Michael: Yeah but WHO does the audience want to see tell it, you or me?
All the actors vote for Micheal while the writers vote for Steven
Teacher: It appears to be evenly split, I guess we need someone from production to decide...Liz?
Liz: SHAKESPEARE SUCKS - MAKE'EM BOTH READ A SYLVIA PLATH POEM
Teacher: Let's go to someone else...
Renee is frantically waving her hand
Teacher: (Sighing) Alright, Renee, go ahead
Renee grabs Lucy and drags her to the front of the class
Teacher: Renee, haven't you shown Lucy the last four weeks?
ROC: I thought y'all would like to see her again
Lucy: Alright, they saw me, IT'S ME TURN - Everyone, please look out the window into the street
A Lamborghini Diablo is parked there
Lucy: An American admirer sent it to me
Teacher: Very nice, Lucy
Lucy: I would've prefered "Sunflower Yellow"
Renee: (Drooling) NO, NO - "Fire Engine Red" is perfect
Lucy: Would you like to hear the note that came with it?
Writers: Do we have a choice?
Lucy: It reads..."Dear Ms. Lawless, Thank you for making my boring and miserable life worth living! - Love, John F. Kennedy Jr."
Teacher: How sweet! - OK, who's next...Teddy?
Ted: I brought in this mint-flavored toothpick
Renee: OOOH, Can I hold it?
Ted: How many more phallic objects can you play with?
Renee starts to cry Lucy goes after Ted
Lucy: What in the Hell do you expect, afterall, the poor girl was given a French guy's name
Renee: It is NOT only a French guy's name...besides, it's just m'middle name
Lucy: What's your first?
The teacher brings in something
Teacher: Listen up kids, Principal Biondi is so pleased with how well you're doing, he sent you this 6-foot submarine sandwich for snack time
Renee's eyes roll up into her head and she passes out
Lucy: ONLY a 6-footer?
Lucy grabs an olive slice and tosses it to the writers
Lucy: Here's your portion
Teacher: And to go with the sandwich, we have a special surprise!
Lucy: Another ridiculous long-lost relative storyline?
Writers: How about we turn you into a flying monkey?
Lucy: Isn't that next week's plot?
Teacher: NOW CHILDREN, if you keep this up, you won't get the surprise...
Ted: Sorry, teacher, what's the surprise?
Lucy: Who the furk made you leader?
Ted: What's my last name?
Lucy: Robbie's gonna kick your bum!
Hudson: (To Michael) Who's Robbie?
Michael: Lucy's boyfriend...THE FIRSTGRADER
Ted: And Sammy will kick his!
Hudson: Who's Sammy?
Michael: Teddy's brother...THE SECONDGRADER
Hudson: Who do YOU know?
Michael: Hey, I'm the "Lion Red" beer guy - the world is mine!
Hudson: You're too young to drink beer!
Michael: In this school, there is no concept of "age" or "time"
Teacher: That's enough! - Here's the surprise
Renee's Momma comes in with a cake
Teacher: As we all know, today is February 15th, Renee's birthday
Lucy: I WANNA SING, I WANNA SING
Lucy proceeds with an hour-long operatic version of "Happy Birthday"
Lucy: (Hugging Renee) That's me gift to you along with this model Titan missile with multiple warheads!
Renee goes over to look at her cake
Momma: What's the matter, Tumble Weed?
Renee: OH MOMMA, WHEN IS I EVER GONNA GIT ME A REAL BIRTHDAY CAKE?
Momma: What are ya talkin' about? - That there is genuine!
Renee: It's another left-over Valentine's one
Momma: Valentine's? - Nosiree, it's a clown-cake
Renee: Momma, it's a cupid with a big blob of red frostin' on his nose
Momma: Wall Panel, you'se seein' thangs again!
Renee: Then why does it say, "Be My Valentine/Birthday Girl" and what's up with them heart-shaped candles?
Momma: Can't I show m'love for m'Babychild?
Joe: I've just completed an arrangement of "Happy Birthday" using Inuit rhythms, let's try it!
Lucy: I GET TO SING AGAIN
Bob: OF COURSE I'LL USE THE BEST KNIFE TO CUT THE CAKE, WHY WOULDN'T I?
Steven: HEY REMEMBER, just because we're writers, we're entitled to a piece of the cake too!
Kevin: DON'T LIGHT THOSE CANDLES TOO CLOSE TO MY HAIR
Liz: I will NOT eat cake that resembles the nude male form
Michael: It's just a cherub
Liz: THAT'S EVEN SICKER
T.J.: (Swinging from the light fixtures) CAKECAKECAKECAKECAKE
Ted: (To Hudson) If I give you my piece, will you like me even more?
Hudson: (To herself) And I though "Melrose Elementary" was bad...