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by Joanna
JSandsmark@aol.com
INT. CHAPEL - DAY
The Right Good Reverend Toymo Lester is at the pulpit.
His congregation listens in rapt attention.
REV. LESTER
I say unto you, good people, buy not
these heinous toys that shall fill
your sons with lust and shall fill
your daughters with unwomanly
ideas of equality. Say to Satan "get
thee behind me!" Resist the lure of
the sinfilled Xena Action Figure with
removable costume!
Two women enter the chapel and stride toward the
pulpit. They are Xena and Gabrielle (who were you
expecting? Laverne and Shirley?)
REV. LESTER
These vile and venal yet voluptuously
plastic bodies shall warp the minds
of the young and innocent! They shall--
GABRIELLE
Hey Rev! Where the hell did you find
those? We've been all over the frigging
place -- Toys-R-Us, Target, comic shops,
department stores -- and we couldn't
find a single one. What's your source?
REV. LESTER
(startled)
Satan! He walks among us in titillating
leather and breastplates!
XENA
You've mistaken me for another. Name's
Xena. I came for action figures.
GABRIELLE
Yeah, the stores said the only place
that still had any were the churches.
I'll give you seven bucks. But that's it.
I don't feel like getting ripped off here.
REV. LESTER
Flee! Everyone flee! The rapacious spawn
of Satan walks among you seeking small
plastic figurines vaguely in their likeness,
though I notice the short one doesn't have
one, only the tall chick.
The parishioners try to run but Xena draws her sword.
XENA
Don't anybody move.
Everyone files back to their seats. Gabrielle hands out
sheet music of Bulgarian chants for the parishioners to
sing while Xena's sword is out.
GABRIELLE
(sotto voce)
Don't worry about pronunciation. No
one in Bulgaria actually watches this
show.
REV. LESTER
(nervously fondling his doll)
Fear not my flock! You are in the house
of the Lord and he shall protect thee
and keep thee from the sword of
Beelzebub and lift thee up into heaven
if thee accidently gets thyself skewered.
XENA
Just tell me where your stash is, Rev,
and my squeeze and I will leave.
GABRIELLE
Can you say "squeeze" in church?
XENA
I'm armed. I can say whatever I damn
well please.
The Reverend has undressed his Xena doll and is now
fondling her voluptuous plastic skin.
REV. LESTER
(to himself)
What'd they go and paint the damn
thing black for? I paid good money
to see tiny plastic breasts, golldurnit!
Suddenly Xena sees several cardboard boxes hidden
behind the organ. She whips out her chakram, flings it
toward the boxes and it slices open all the cases. Xena
action figures tumble out -- series one AND two! Even
the tall ones with the red dress!
XENA
You were going to keep them all to
yourself, weren't you Rev?
GABRIELLE
That is so selfish. Think of all the
nice people on a.t.x who couldn't find
any. I'm ashamed of you, Reverend.
REV. LESTER
(now fondling several dolls)
These are my dolls Golldurnit! And you
can't have them! Mine mine mine!
Suddenly, the Reverend begins speaking in tongues. Then
he speaks in badly accented Bulgarian. His fit over, he
approaches Xena and attempts the removal of her leather
warrior garb.
REV. LESTER
Must... see... your voluptuous... plastic...
body...
Xena beheads him.
XENA
Nothing plastic here, sicko.
GABRIELLE
(to a parishioner)
I'll vouch for that.
The little old lady parishioner gives Gabby a saucy wink.
Gab and Xena walk up to the cartons of action figures and
start gathering up the dolls.
XENA
C'mon. There are kids out there with
nothing to undress.
GABRIELLE
You are so heroic.
The parishioners stop singing in Bulgarian and begin
chanting "Xena Xena Xena" as we
FADE OUT.
THE END
