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Xena and Poseidon - The Real Story

By: Tlachtga
BarbaraT@wave.co.nz

 

 


SCENE: A CLIFFTOP SOMEWHERE IN ANCIENT NEW ZE-, ER, GREECE. A WARRIOR PACES AT THE VERY EDGE, SHOOTING MURDEROUS GLANCES ALL AROUND HER. A BARD IS BUSY BRAIDING FLOWERS INTO A GOLDEN MAREíS MANE, IGNORING THE WARRIOR.

 

XENA (swings blade): Come on, Poseidon, come out and face me!

 

GABRIELLE (picks up a daisy): You know he wonít come unless he wants to. He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not, He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me, he loves me... not. (looks crestfallen) Oh Xena, Iolaus hates me!

 

XENA: Iím sure he doesnít, any more than Perdicas did.

 

GABRIELLE (sulking): Wrong again, Xena. (buries her head in Argoís mane, boo-hooing noisily)

 

XENA (exasperated): Will you cut that out?

 

GABRIELLE (sniffs): Sure. I got over him ages ago, anyway.

 

XENA: Great, fine, lovely. (raises voice) Get over here, you watery son of a god!

 

A WAVE THREATENS TO SWEEP XENA OVER THE SIDE, THEN SOLIDIFIES INTO POSEIDON.

 

POSEIDON (indignant): I am not! Okay, maybe I am...

 

XENA (tries to skewer him): Why did you capture those Mytilenes last Thursday?

 

POSEIDON: Didnít your mother ever teach you not to point a sword at a god?

 

XENA: Do you mind? Iím trying to act in a parody here!

 

TLACHTGA: Hi guys? Having fun?

 

XENA & POSEIDON: NO!

 

TLACHTGA: Too bad. Now, if you donít keep to the topic, and give Gabrielle some Kleenex, Iíll write another... :)

 

XENA & POSEIDON (pelting Gabrielle with Kleenex): NO! Anything but that!

 

TLACHTGA (fading away): Glad we have that settled.

 

GABRIELLE: Help me, Xena! Iím drowning in Kleenex! Save me!

 

XENA (disgusted): I donít have the time to bother with maidens in distress, Iím in the middle of saving maidens in distress!

 

GABRIELLE (annoyed): Hey!

 

POSEIDON (intrigued): What an irritating little blonde.

 

XENA: Donít call her that! She is not!

 

POSEIDON: Well, excuse me for breathing!

 

XENA: Which reminds me, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE MAIDENS?

 

POSEIDON: That wasnít me either. That was some warlord or another, I forget which. (shrugs) I canít be expected to keep tabs on all of them; there are so many!

 

XENA (agreeing): Too right. That should be handled by Ares, but heís so slack at his job.

 

ARES: Am not! Iíve come here to win you back! Celebrate your dark side, Xena; donít hide from it...

 

POSEIDON: Youíve got a lot of nerve, nerd-boy. You only beat me at chess that time we were laying for Xena because you cheated!

 

ARES: Did not!

 

POSEIDON: Did too!

 

ARES: Did not!

 

POSEIDON: Oh, you odious little pest.

 

ARES (whining): Oh, Uncle ĎSeidon...

 

POSEIDON: Close your irritating mouth! (to Xena) I take it back. Ares is far more irritating than Gabrielle.

 

POSEIDON REACHES OUT A WATERY TENTACLE, AND SWEEPS THE KLEENEXí AWAY FROM THE BARD, TOTALLY SPOOKING THE HORSE.

 

XENA: Well, that was smart! My horse will probably have a nervous condition for life, thanks to you, you great lummock! (swings sword at him)

 

TLACHTGA: Just a reminder... Ares, Zeus says to ask you what do you think you are doing?

 

ARES (shrugging): Sorry. Gotta go tidy up my G.I. Joes. (sighs) Athena said she would if I let her use the tank...

 

ZEUS: Yes, youíre a bad, bad boy. Go to your room! (throws thunderbolt)

 

ARES: Ow! Okay Dad, Iím going!

 

ARES DISAPPEARS.

 

ZEUS: Sorry about that. Heís more trouble than heís worth... I should let Hera deal with him...

 

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Unfair! Sheís an absolute hydra this time of day!

 

HERA: Thatís not nice, you two-faced semi-brainless excuse for an idiot!

 

ATHENA (primly): Just to set the record straight, I did tidy the G.I. Joes, then Ares took them out again!

 

HERA: Come off it, girl; we all know heís been chasing Aphrodite all day!

 

APHRODITE: Yeah, and to top it off; Hephaestus threatened to take away my shell if he caught that creep sniffing around me anymore!

 

XENA: Excuse me, but Iím TRYING to do a parody here!

 

APHRODITE: Whatís biting you? Hercules been telling that story about the apple again?

 

HERA: What story? None of you kids ever tell me anything anymore!

 

ARES (delighted): I know! Itís her dark side resurfacing!

 

ATHENA: No, Xenaís past that. Which reminds me, you owe me ten temples and an obelisk on that bet you lost!

 

ARES: I donít! I paid that!

 

ATHENS: Liar!

 

ARES: Cheat!

 

ZEUS: Children, children... you know how this upsets Hera.

 

HERA: What are you saying? Iím not big enough to slam a few godly heads if they annoy me?

 

ZEUS (hastily): No, Iím not.

 

POSEIDON (to Aphrodite): I know a great little spot dwn by the Styx...

 

APHRODITE: Go fit your hearing aid, grandpa: Iím not interested!

 

ZEUS: Why is my family so dysfunctional?

 

HERA: Comes from your personality, mídear.

 

ARTEMIS: Am I missing something?

 

ARES: No, itís just semi-hurly pick on Ares Time.

 

APOLLO: Hey sis, Ares refusing to pay out again?

 

ATHENA (rolls eyes): And thatís not the half of it!

 

HEPHAESTUS: Come on, Aphrodite, letís leave this bunch of low-life and go home.

 

APHRODITE: Take a hike, buster.

 

HESTIA: Someone call me?

 

ARTEMIS: Get back to the hearth, you domesticated NO RELATION of mine!

 

ZEUS (as if to a child): Hephaestus, your family are not Ďlow-lifeí.

 

ARES: Compared to me, you all are! Except perhaps you, Aphrodite...

 

HESTIA: Artemis, please be a little kinder to your family.

 

DEMETER: Let me put it this way: IF YOU DONíT ALL SHUT UP, IíLL TURN SUMMER TO WINTER AGAIN!

 

ARTEMIS: Quit it. You wouldnít have the guts.

 

HADES (groans): Oh wouldnít she? How do you explain this whole Persephone thing, then?

 

POSEIDON: Thatís just it, we canít.

 

DEMETER: Are you saying Iím too over-protective?

 

ARES: Yes!

 

ZEUS: Great, all we need now are two pieces of fluff dictating to us.

 

HANDPUPPET: You bemoaned?

 

ALL: Huh?

 

ZEUS (throws up hands): You just disrupted the timeline. Thank you very much!

 

HANDPUPPET: This isnít just your parody!

 

ARTEMIS (sweetly): Oh isnít it now?

 

FADE OUT: HEAVENLY BATTLE ENSUING.

 

 




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