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by L. Fox
annod@scottsburg.com
Opening promo: Xena must fight to save a helpless band of men from total annihilation on their home field.
BATTLE ON, XENA
(Opening scene: Xena and Garbrielle are walking down the same old path they are always on.)
Gabrielle: You know--it sure is hot today. The air, it's so still, I sure wish there was a nice breeze stirring.
Xena (Sweating profusely): Me too. I haven't seen it this hot since the last time I was in Tartarus.
(Gabrielle pulls out a goat skin bag and takes a couple of slugs from it.)
Xena: You shouldn't drink so fast, you'll get sick.
Gabrielle: (Hic) Right.(Hic)
Xena (Fixing "the Look" [reg.us.pat.off.] on Gabrielle): Uuuuh huh.
(Wind starts to pick up.)
Xena: Well, at least there's some wind now.
Gabrielle:(Hic)(Hic)(Hic)
(Skies darken quickly--a huge whirlwind appears and swoops Xena and Gabrielle up into the sky. Argo,meanwhile, is miraculously saved. The producers later deny rumors that she has had it written into her contract that she does not have to work in any episode that blatantly steals ideas from classical works, meaning next season she will appear in only about 2 episodes.)
(Roll opening sequence)
TITLE: XENA MEETS THE OLE' PROFESSOR (or Take Me Out to the Brawl Game)
Guest Star: Casey Stengel
Written and Directed by: A guy with entirely too much free time on his hands.
(March,1962 Florida,USA, New York Mets spring training facility. Mets are taking batting practice. Smiley is pitching to Inept Batsman. Wind starts to pick up and then dies out as quickly as it came. No one seems to notice what appears to be two people FALLING OUT OF THE SKY!)
Xena: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Gabrielle: AAAHHH (Hic) AAAAAAHHHHHHH (Hic)
(Xena and Gabrielle land in an alligator pond just outside the ballpark. Alligators take one look an Xena's snarl showing those pearly whites, notice the leather and all those muscles and assume she is the mother of all alligators. Alligators scram.)
Xena: Gabrielle, are you all right?
Gabrielle: Yes--I'm fine-no wait--I can't feel my left foot!
(Xena reaches into the water and pulls Gabrielle's foot out of the mud.)
Gabrielle: Oh--sorry.
Xena: It's all right Gabrielle. At least your hiccups are cured.
Gabrielle (Turning a little red.): Oh--yeah--right, hiccups.
(Xena turns away with an amused smile and sees the Mets taking batting practice.)
Xena: Hey, Gabrielle, look at that.
Gabrille: What are they doing?
Xena: I don't know but it looks like that man on that little hill is trying to hit that man holding that club up there by the fence with those little white balls.
Gabrielle: Why doesn't that man with the club go out there and conk that guy? Or at least run away?
Xena (Giving "the Squint" [reg.us.pat.off.]): I don't know, but I'm going to check this out.
Gabrielle (Doing "the Head Jerk"[reg.us.pat.off]): Strange.
(Xena leaps over a ten foot high chain link fence and runs toward home plate. Gabrielle is forced to climb over the fence and going down the other side gets her skirt caught in the fence and has a big hole torn in it.)
Gabrielle: Damn it. I hope Ngila doesn't see this. My costume has been getting skimpy enough without something like this happening.
(Meanwhile, Smiley delivers his next pitch to the plate.)
Xena: IYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI !!!!!!
(As the ball is on it's way to the plate Xena does one last somersault and lands ten feet in front of the plate. Pulling out her sword, she cuts the oncoming baseball in half.)
Xena (Giving Smiley "the Sneer"[reg.us.pat.off.]): Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Smiley (Taking into account the huge sword and the look on Xena's face.): GULP!!
WHAT THE SAM HELL IS GOIN' ON HERE!
(Xena briefly averts her Death Gaze from Smiley to the direction of the screaming. Limping towards her is a little man who must be at least 150 years old.)
The Old Professor (Henceforth known as TOP): Lady, what kind of Hard-core Nut-ball(TM) are you?
Xena (Pointing at the Inept Batsman): I'm protecting this poor man from that idiot out there on that little hill.
TOP: Pertectin', whaddaya mean, pertectin'? He's supposed to throw them things in here, it's his job. That guy out there on the hill--uh mound throws it in here and this guy with the stick--uh bat is supposed to hit it. It's a game, lady.
(Gabrielle, having finally managed to extricate herself from the skirt--eating fence, rushes to Xena's side.)
Gabrielle: OK, Xena, I'm ready to bust some heads.
The Backstop: What mental ward did you two escape from, anyway?
Xena: Never mind, Gabrielle. (To TOP): If he's supposed to hit the little ball with his club, why hasn't he been doing it?
TOP: BECAUSE HE AIN'T WORTH A CRAP. THAT'S WHY!! (Turning to Met extras.) Jeez, can't anybody here play this game?(TM)
Gabrielle: You know, all that screaming is not good for you.
Xena (Giving the "Sideways glance into space" [reg.us.pat.off.]): C'mon anybody ought to able to hit that ball.
TOP: Ya think so, huh?
Xena: Sure.
Inept Batsman: Less see ju do eet eef ju thin ees so eesy.
Gabrielle: What did he say?
Xena: Never mind, Gabrielle, I get the gist of it.
(Xena picks up a bat and steps into the right hand batters box. She spreads her legs in a wide stance causing The Backstop to almost swallow his chewing tobacco.)
Smiley: Professor, do I have to do this?
TOP: Yeah, kid, chuck it in here and put some mustard on it.
Gabrielle: Mustard--that reminds me-- I'm getting hungry.
The Inept Batsman: I thin thees ees gon be fonny.
Gabrielle: What did he say?
Xena (Smiling faintly): Never mind, Gabrielle.
(Smiley throws the ball and Xena hits it off the top of the light tower in dead center field--600 feet away. Light tower wavers briefly, then comes crashing down.)
TOP (Eyes bulging.): Amazin'. (TM)
The Backstop (Whose left eardrum has been punctured by the crack of Xena's bat.): What?
(The Inept Batsman falls to his knees--dazed.)
TOP: That's great, kid , but what we really need is a left hand bat. You know, from the other side of the plate.
Gabrielle. She can do that.
TOP (To Gabby.): What are you, her agent? (To Xena.): Ya mind showin' us, kid?
Xena (Stepping into left hand batters box.): OK--but this is stupid.
Smiley (To himself.): So it's come to this. It's not bad enough that I am stuck on a last place team, now I have to pitch to some kind of Amazon woman. I should have gone into a line of work with more dignity--like politics.
TOP: C'mon, Smiley, quit cher stallin' and throw it in here and give her yer best stuff.
(Smiley pitches the ball and Xena hits it so hard nobody knows where it is for a moment-- until a section of the right field bleachers explode.)
TOP (Eyes bulging even more.): Amaaazin'.
The Backstop (Now totally deaf.): What?
(The Inept Batsman begins flipping his fingers over his lips-- blutha,blutha,blutha,blutha. He then starts to droll and finally faints dead away.)
TOP: Get that idiot out of here. (To Xena.): Kid, ya convinced me. You're the greatest switch hitter I've ever seen. Even better than the Mick. You could revolutionize the game. We could call it Xenaball. Of course we might have to disguise ya a little.
Xena (Slowly): What do you mean.
TOP: Well, see, in our game there ain't no women allowed.
Xena: In that case I'm not interested.
TOP: I can guarantee ya a hundred thousand bucks a year if ya say yes.
Gabrielle: Now what would she do with a hundred thousand deer, anyway?
TOP: Huh? Girlie, I'm talkin' bucks, moolah, clams, cimoleans, smackers, dollars.
Gabrielle: Dollars--is that like dinars?
TOP: Poor kid. (To Xena): Is she always like this?
Xena: Pretty much.
TOP: My condolences.
(Xena absently picks up a baseball and examines it.)
Xena: By the way, what kind of leather is this on the ball.
TOP: Why, that's horsehide, kid.
Xena (Dropping ball): Yikes!
(Xena puts her fingers in her mouth and begins whistling for you know who.)
Gabrielle: XENA! LOOK!
(Same ominous black clouds as before roll in and wind begins to blow violently. The Old Professor and the players head to the clubhouse cover.)
Xena: I hope this is our ticket home.
(Xena and Gabrielle are walking down the same old path we always see.)
Gabrielle: Xena, there's one thing I don't understand. Why did you freak when the Old Professor told you the ball was made of horsehide?
Xena: I couldn't help but think it might be Argo's hide on the ball.
Gabrielle: Well, anyway, everthing's back to normal more or less. Wait--there's one more thing, What was that the Professor called you, a switch hitter? What did he mean by that?
Xena (reg.us.pat.off "Wry smile"): Aw, Gabrielle, you know what that is. We were switch hitters long before we ever heard of that silly game.
(Gabrielle finally gets it and she and Xena exchange knowing looks as the screen fades to black.)
Promo for next weeks episode: Xena must face (yawn) another lover from her past while Gabrielle tries to go an entire episode without doing her Captain Kirk imitation. Next time on Xena.
(Roll credits)
Production crew: Same old guys.
CAST
Smiley................Roger Craig
The Backstop........Hobie Landrith
Inept Batsman.......Elio Chacon
Mets #4--#25........See Baseball Encyclopedia
No gimpy-legged Hall of Fame managers, neurotic horses whose ancestors are doomed to be whacked by millions of baseball bats, or bad Latin ballplayers were harmed in the production of this picture.
