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The Vandals Wrecked my Sandals!
By Paul Neeley (a.k.a. Snooperboy)
The following story contains references to names and characterizations developed by MCA/Universal. This is fan-fiction and in no way does it intent to infringe upon any rights held by others. This story and all words are copyright by me, so back off man! :-)
It's a beautiful day...Sunny, calm winds...warm. Salemonius is about to open his shop for the day. He looks out the window and decides to get some fresh air. Little does he know that some vandals just lit a bag of horse doody on his front door step.
Sal: (Stomping out the flaming dung)AAaaaaaah! For the love of Zeus! Awwww, who did this?! Great, my new sandals are ruined! I just bought these!
(Yeah, like I didn't steal that bit from SNL...)
In the forrest, Xena, Gabriel, Joxer, and Meleager are cleaning up the camp site after last nights slumber. While Xena's back is turned, a hooded man leads Argo away...Others load eggs on to catapults.
Gab: You know, Xena, I'll take this outdoor sleeping over an inn any day...
Xena: The reason why we sleep outside is because Meleager tries to play "Pull my finger" with the children that stay at the inn...Their parents complain and we get thrown out!
Mel: Hey, now! They like it and they know it! Jox: Yeah, but you play it in your sleep...I should know: I have to stay in the same room as you! (Fanning hand)Shew... Gab: Yep, at least we don't have to worry about pranksters... (Egg splats on Gab's forehead)Argh! OH!...What the f-(another egg)...Aaaaaaaah! Xena!
Xena: Hey, I didn't do it! (Egg splats on the side of Xena's head. She cleans herself off. Her big blue eyes widen as she draws her sword.) ...Who ever is throwing the eggs, has exactly 5 SECONDS TO LIVE!!!
A barrage of eggs hits our fearless friends. Xena draws her chakram and Meleager and Joxer draw their swords. Joxer and Meleager are swinging at flying eggs like baseballs to no avail...Xena throws her mighty round killing thing...It strikes one of the vandals in the rump knocking him out of the tree, knocking him unconscious. Xena whistles for Argo...Argo comes back all covered in purple pain...Xena is PISSED! Her eyes widen at the site of her victimized horse. The band of vandals take off in a horsedrawn wagon...Laughing and howling...The egg attack stops...
Gab: Xena, take it easy...I know how to take that stuff off... Xen: I'M NOT WAITING! THEY'RE DEAD! THEY'RE DEAD! THEY'RE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD! (Gab slaps her. Xena gets that same wide eyed "Somebody is gonna get it" look on her face.) Gab: Calm down!
Xen: (Huffing and puffing) Yeah, I'l catch up with them later. I'll pull their spinal columns out through their asses...I'm gonna pull their toungues out with a ROPE!!!
Gab: XENA! Get a grip...The best thing to do is not to get mad...But, to get even...
Xen: Yeah...You're right...Let's draw and quarter them...AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
(Gabriel slaps Xena...Then Joxer slaps her...Then Meleager slaps her. Xena's eye's go in opposite directions. She shakes her head to clear it.)
I needed that...
Gab: What I mean is give them a taste of their own medicine...
Sal: Guys, they have terrorized the village! Look at my new sandals! They painted obscenities on the temples of worship...It's a mess...Rubbing parchment in the trees and on the houses (It's like toilet paper.).
The young vandals arrive at their hideout. Otto Eroticus, the leader, is waiting. They subordinates enter...
One:(Bowing to leader)My lord...We have carried out the task...You should have seen the look on their faces... Ott:Who's faces?
One: Well...These people in the forrest, I think one of them was Joxer...
Ott: Hmm...(smiling) Yes, Joxer...I used to play pranks on him when we were children...One prank he fell for three times...You know, the one where I would tell him he has cancer if his hand is bigger than his face?
One: Really? (Puts hand in front of his face. Otto pushes it causing him to slap himself in the nose.) OW!
Ott: Really...Who else was there?
One: (Rubbing nose) ...There was an old man, and two women...One woman was a redhead and the other was tall with dark brown hair...Boy, did we cover her with eggs!
Ott: Really? What was the tall woman wearing? One: Ah...Nothing...She was probably going to a costume ball or something...She wore leather studded armor... Ott: You IDIOT! What else did you do to her?!
One: ...Uhhh...Painted her horse purple?
(Otto smacks One...)Owch...
Ott: THAT WAS XENA!
One: (gulp)...The warrior princess?
Ott: No, the yellowbellied sap sucker, OF COURSE, XENA THE WARRIOR PRINCESS, YOU DOLT!!!!
One: Oh, no...We're dead...
Ott: Noooooo, YOU'RE dead, not me...If she does track us down, I think I can gain her mercy...For me, of course...We were in the same army together...We were like brother and sister...Until, one day...I catapulted her horse...It was a beautiful black stallion...She found it stuck in someone's chimney...It suffocated to death...But, that was years ago...I'm more careful now...She's probably forgotten it by now...
Little do the vandals know, that Xena and the gang are outside. Xena is listening to the conversation on a freshly cleaned Argo....
Xen: (To herself) Noooooo, YOU'RE dead, too, Otto...(She draws her sword, but pauses and thinks about what Gabriel said. She gets an idea. A smile washes away the anger...Puts sword back in scabbord. She eyeballs the getaway wagon and rides Argo to it) Gab: Xena, what are you doing?
Xen: Watch and learn, Gabriel. I've been thinking: You're right...Bloodshed isn't necessary for them...(She draws Argo's butt toward the driver seat. Argo lifts her tail. Xena whisper's in Argo's ear.) Doo doo...Come on...Make doo doo...
Gab: Much better than swinging a sword...
Xen: Much better than intercourse. (Giggling) This is an old trick we used to play on each other in the army...Come on...Doo doos...Doody...(Plunk! Plunk! Splat!) Good girl...
Salemonius sets up bags of horse manure (Boy, Argo's colon must be burning by now!) by the door...
Joxer and Meleager set up an egg trap where eggs drop down on someone's head when someone trips the rope. Gabriel removes the bolts from the wagon wheels so when it is moved, the wheels fall out from under the wagon.
They had a plan...
O.k, here's the plan: Xena does her warcry. Otto Eroticus recognizes it. He comes out and steps on the burning bag of horse dung...Wrecking his boots. Some of Otto's goons follow suit. They chase Gabriel into the forrest after she splashes them with horse urine (Enough bathroom humor?). As they chase her into the forrest, they hit a trip wire and a bunch of eggs come crashing down upon them...Otto is expected to follow suit with them. Xena knows him...So, when he does, he's going to hop in the wagon and park his rump on a big pile of horse crap. He'll notice the warm gooey pile on the trapdoor, but that won't stop him! He'll command the horse to "Giddy up! YAH!" ,then the horse will end up dragging him on his can (See, Gabby also removed the bolts on the seat.) Then, finally, the egg covered goons get covered in rubbing parchment...A safer version of tar and feathers... Now, the moment of truth...
Xena does her warcry. Salemonius lights the horse doo bag.
Gab: Xena, how do you know this is their hide out?
Xen: They were in a wagon, I just simply followed the tracks...
Otto: ...Xena...(He runs for the door with sword in hand. He opens the door: Squash!) YOU HARLOT! I'LL KILL YOU!
(Xena takes off laughing on Argo. Otto climbs into the wagon. Sits down:
Squash..His eyes widen. He commands the horse.)YAH! (The horse gallops dragging him by his behind) YAH! YAH! STOP! HALT! WHOA! AW, COME ON HORSEY, WHOA?!?!?!! OWWWWW!
Gabriel then whistles...The goons look over at her. She aproaches with a bucket.
Gab: Oh, boys...(Splashes them) That's for the eggs! (She takes off running into the forrest.)
One: YOU LITTLE WENCH! (Takes off after her with the other goon following. They trip the rope and eggs rain down upon the two goons. Gabriel then tosses the rubbing parchment on them with Joxer doing the same. Meleager aproaches with a big grin on his face. Gab and Joxer take off.)
Mel: Here, young men, let me help you up...(He extends his index finger...The one goon grabs and pulls Meleager's finger...Yep...PLOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! Meleager starts to "fan it" towards the goons.)HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA! YOU LIKE IT AND YOU KNOW IT! (The goons are passed out...)
Xena is on Argo looking for Otto. She hears a man moning in pain. Xena gets off of Argo and proceeds to the bushes. She sees Otto prone on the ground rubbing his now bare posterior. She draws her sword. Grabs him by the back of his head...
Xen: Hello, Otto...Kill any horses lately, you bastard!
Ott: (Wimpering) I was a kid then! I didn't know! Please...
Xen: YOU KNEW ENOUGH!
(Gabriel, Joxer, and Meleager catch up to her.)
Gab: XENA! NO!
Xen: Stay out of this, Gabriel! This is between me and him!
Gab: Xena, don't you see? He's begging for mercy!
Xen: Let him beg in Tatarus! That's where all horse slaughterers end up!
Gab: What do you mean?
Xen: He killed my first horse...A beautiful black stallion...
Gab: There was one before Argo?
Ott: Please, Xena! That was long ago! I've changed! Xen: It wasn't long enough, Otto. You've changed? Yeah, right, still playing pranks! Salemonius could have been hurt with that burning bag of horse dung! Argo could have gotten fatally poisoned by that paint! You could have blinded Gabriel with those eggs if you hit her in the eyes! Now, I must kill you!
Mel: ALL RIGHT! You win, Xena...(Shackles Otto's hands together, winks at Gabriel.) Kill him...But, after you do, I no longer know you... Sal: Same here...
Jox: Me too...
Gab: ...Same with me...
Xena pauses...Thinks...Scabbords her sword...
Xen: Gabriel...
Gab: ...What?!
Xen: Let's take him to jail...
Gab: That's more like it...
Xen: (To Otto) Don't dish it out unless you can take it...
Later, the gang is sitting around the camp fire.
Gab: What made you change your mind about killing Otto? Xen: I figure: Friends that are now living are more important than friends that are no longer with us...I loved that horse...But, I'll always love all of you the most...I couldn't live with myself if you guys abandoned me...A fair and just trial is better than death for someone like Otto...I think he can change... Jox: Yeah, he'll definitely change in prison when he drops the pumice bar in the wash stream...When bends over to pick it up: WHOA! Xen: Believe it, or not, I was thinking that too ,Joxer...
Everything is quiet. Then Meleager breaks the silence with breaking wind...He laughs...Until everyone looks at him with a disgusted look on their faces...
Mel: Aw, come on! That was funny!
Everyone then looks at each other, smiles, then proceeds to whip eggs at Meleager...
FINIS...("The end", just in case you don't understand spanish.)
