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The Warrior and the Bardolator*
"The time has come," the Warrior said,
"To talk of many things:
Of swords-- and chakrams-- ['Bless you, child']
Of princesses-- and kings--"
"No talk;" chimed forth Bardolator,
"Let's chow down on some wings."
[Ed. Apparently, they had exhausted their supply of rosarita refries.]
The Warrior and Bardolator ate
While walking 'long the trail
(With Argo following close behind,
While feeding from a pail),
When, suddenly, upon them both,
Showed up, 'most without fail,
A band of thieves, from Athens-way,
Led by Ulysses' cousin,
With Ajax, Nestor, Hector, and
At least another dozen.
They came at them from all around,
To leave them without nuzzin.'
[Ed. All right, all right--you can gag now.]
"Give us your dinars-- then you may pass
To Potadeia and back.
Or would you rather try your luck
Against my ruthless pack?
Answer me now, or else you will
Be strung along the rack!"
[Ed. I, too, "...have no respect for chronology."]
But, oh, they chose the wrong twosome
To pillage and plunder.
What follows now, make no mistake,
Will cause you all to wonder
How much regret they shortly felt
About this awful blunder.
"Yi-yi! Yi-yi!" The Warrior screamed,
While reaching for her sword.
Bardolator, with staff in hand,
Quickly proceeded forward
In order to dispense of them
In ways that might seem horrid.
With moves as swift as lightening,
The Warrior fought them off.
With kicks and lunges, cries and punches,
She sent them flying aloft
To the Bardol'ter's waiting staff,
Which turn-ed their lights off.
[Ed. Don't worry, I'm almost finished.]
"I weep," sobbed the Bardolator,
"For poor men such as they;
For how could they have realized
They just faced Xena?" "Hey!"
Responded Warrior, "Don't regret;
We've sent them on their way."
"O, come now," said the Warrior,
"We've had a pleasant run.
Come with us, boys"-- she called to them,
But there was answer none.
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd beaten every one.
* With mega-apologies to Lewis Carroll's "The Walrus and the Carpenter" from
which I was inspired (Maybe you all would have preferred if I had ex-pired, instead?).
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