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by Melody aka Ripley
chartier@atla.atla.com
GAB: So, where are we and why are all these people rushing around?
XENA: I'm not sure but look, there's a tavern ahead (pointing to MONK'S RESTAURANT). Let's stop in there and see what the innkeeper knows.
INT MONK'S RESTAURANT. Jerry, George, and Elaine are sitting in their usual booth.
GEO: (holding a bottle of ketchup) I'm telling ya, they just don't make ketchup the way they used ta. I mean, look at this stuff (holds bottle upsidedown and the red stuff runs out all over his plate). See? See? (uses both hands palms up to point to his fries).
JERRY: Yeah, what happened to the good ole' days of "anticipation" when you really had to wait for ketchup. There's just no waiting. What we've got here is ketchup that can't wait.
<<canned laughter>>
ELAINE rolls her eyes. Seeing X & G, she nudges Jerry.
ELAINE: (snorts) Hey, get a load of those two (flips her hair over her shoulder).
GEO turns and smiles appreciatively.
JERRY: (sotto voce) Must be on their way to a party.
GEO: Girls, girls, come sit with me and my friends. We're a friendly sort of bunch. (GEO winks at JERRY).
XENA gives him "the look." GEO rubs his eye.
GEO: Uh, I've got an eye twitch, I haven't been getting much sleep lately, you know.
JERRY: (smiling slyly) Yeah, he's just a twitchy sort of guy. In fact, we call him "Twitchy." Snapple? (JERRY holds a strawberry-kiwi snapple out to everyone. No one takes a sip. He shrugs his shoulders)
<<canned laughter>>
XENA looks around for the source of the laughter, her long dark hair flowing and swishing.
GAB: I'm Gabrielle, this is my best friend Xena. We're sort of lost.
ELAINE: I'll say you are, honey. (stares at Xena's hair) Say, what do you use on your hair? (looks at JERRY) Does she or doesn't she?? (laughs at her own joke).
XENA: (menacing) Do I or don't I what??
ELAINE: (choking down her laughter, recovers) You know, do you or don't you dye?
GAB: (defensively) Hey, I've died before and so has she so that should answer your question. (sees George's plate of french fries smothered in ketchup). Those look good, may I? (reaches down and plucks a fry from his plate). Mmm, this is really good. (puts her hand on XENA'S arm) Xena, you really should try this (pops a fry into XENA'S mouth).
XENA still chewing her fry, meanwhile has been searching the booth for the source of the canned laughter.
GEO: (looking at GAB, then to XENA. nudges JERRY) You don't suppose those two are . . .
JERRY: (quickly) Not that there's anything wrong with that.
GEO: (sucking air between his teeth) Noooo, not at awl. Doesn't matter one bit.
<<canned laughter>>
ELAINE: (still staring at XENA'S hair) You know, Miss Clairol #5 would work wonders on you. You really should lighten up your look. A nice gabardine blazer would accent your shoulders and . . .
XENA: (teeth clenched) I don't need lightening up. (lightens up and breaks into kiwi accent) After all, really I'm a natural blond. This is just for effect, luv, so you can see my beautiful baby blues.
<<canned laughter>>
XENA: (frowning getting back into character) Who's laughing at us?
JERRY: (nonchalontly) I don't hear anything. George, do you hear anything? Elaine?
GEO and ELAINE shake their heads.
JERRY: Nope, we don't hear anything.
KRAMER comes whirling into MONK'S. He trips over his foot, falls, and recovers nicely.
KRAMER: Yow. Well, what have we here. Two Amazon beauties. (looks up and down XENA then GAB). G-Giddyap, yeah. (gives "thumbs up" sign).
GAB: Actually, I'm an Amazon princess. She's the warrior princess.
GEO: (sarcastically) Sure you are sweetheart, and I'm Conan the Barbarian!
XENA draws her sword and pushes GAB behind her.
XENA: (protectively) Gabrielle, get back--we've got a barbarian here.
KRAMER: (addressing XENA) You're a tall one aren't you? I LIKE that. Whaddya say we . . .
GAB: (from behind XENA) Hey, she's with me, o.k. We've got places to go, people to see, things to do.
JERRY gives GEO a look.
JERRY: (holding his hands up) Not that it matters.
GEO: No, not at awl.
<<canned laughter>>
XENA turns her head quickly (insert cartoon sound fx here--whoosh would work nicely). She narrows her eyes to slits, checks behind her to make sure GAB is still there.
XENA: You didn't hear that??
EVERYONE shrugs their shoulders
XENA: I don't like this.
Suddenly NEWMAN appears at MONK'S.
JERRY: (clenching teeth) Hello, Newman.
NEW: (clenching teeth) Hello, Jerry.
<<canned laughter>>
JERRY: (grouchily) Newman, whaddya want?
ELAINE: You know, I haven't had any lines in a while. What am I chopped liver?
NEW: Do I have to answer that?
GAB: Yeah, well, you think you have it rough, this is OUR parody, XENA'S and mine, and we still don't know where that laughter is coming from.
XENA: She's right you know.
JERRY starts to look at GEO
XENA: (menacing) Don't even think about it saying it again!
<<canned laughter>>
XENA scans MONK'S. She spots a gaffer behind the counter.
XENA: Aha!
XENA grabs the gaffer by the collar. He looks to JERRY helplessly.
SALMONEUS enters the scene.
SAL: People, people, what's going on here?
XENA: (emphasizing first syllable) Sal-moneus!
SAL: Ixnay on the AlmoneusSay, Xena. Here I'm known as Larry David, the co-executive producer of the hit show "Seinfeld." (aside to XENA) Y'know, I sold 'em the canned laughter. It seems to be in pretty high demand. I've made a bundle--'course I'm not really sure what the exchange rate for dollars to dinars is but still it beats selling SunX wrist sundials.
XENA pulls SAL aside, interrupting his long-winded soliloquy.
XENA: Salmoneus, we're getting out of this corny parody. Are you with us?
SAL: But what about the greater good? Don't we need to stay for these people? (indicates JERRY, ELAINE, GEO, KRAMER, hesitates on NEWMAN).
XENA: Geez, you tell a guy something once and he doesn't let it go. Naah, these people aren+t worth it. They're too whiny--let them stay and bore everyone else to death with their inane chatter.
SAL: (nodding) I agree with you there.
XENA pulls GAB, who was explaining to ELAINE that she didn't have a boob job, into the circle with SAL. After conferring briefly--
GAB: (closes her eyes and starts clicking her heels together) There's no place like ancient New Zeal--er, Greece, there's no place like ancient Greece . . .
XENA, GAB, and SAL disappear in a whirlwind.
JERRY: Well, we'd better get back into syndication so we can do this again sometime.
GEO: Ok, but let's go to the movies first. I hear "Beastmaster" is playing down the street.
FIN
DISCLAIMER:
No star egos were harmed during this parody but the gaffer did need to see
the chiropracter the next day.
