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Xena, Gabrielle and Salmoneus enter the grounds of The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club where the Wimbledon Tennis Championships take place
Gab: What are we doing here Xena?
Xena: Don't look at me, it's not my fault
Sal: Maybe we can turn this into our advantage
Gab: (Tapping a spectator on the shoulder) Excuse me, what is going on here?
Spectator: Are you for real?
Gab: No, but that's another issue
Spectator: They're playing tennis matches
Gab: Is it a game of skill?
Spectator: Why yes, it's quite difficult hitting a fuzzy yellow ball over a net between some white lines painted on grass
Gabrielle, Xena & Salmoneus burst out laughing
Gab: Are YOU for real?
Spectator: If you think it's so easy, why don't you try it sometime?
Sal: Is there prize money involved?
Spectator: You must be living in a time warp!
Sal: Where do we sign up?
Xena: Hold on Salmoneus, I'm not so sure about this
Gab: C'mon on Xena, it might be fun
Xena: A professional sport - fun? - we'll see...
Xena and Gabrielle meet with the tournament referee, Alan Mills
Ref: (Aghast) I believe the tube for Piccadilly Circus is 10 kilometers east!
Xena: I'm here to compete
Ref: Are you for real?
Gab: Why does everyone keep asking us that?
Ref: What's your name?
Gab: (Proudly) The warrior princess
Ref: We do have a player named "Zina" but unless you underwent the same cosmetic surgery as Michael Jackson, you're definitely not her - What country do you come from?
Xena: Greece, New Zealand, take your pick!
Ref: Well, that explains many things - where are your rackets?
Xena: I'll use my sword
Ref: That's preposterous! - I won't allow it
Xena unsheathes her sword and swings it above his head a few times
Ref: If you are trying to intimidate me, Ms. Xena, it won't work - I eat British food daily, do you think the threat of decapitation scares me?
Gab: He has a point
Xena: What if I switched my allegiance to England?
Ref: All hail Xena, Tennis Princess!
Salmoneus comes running over to Xena
Sal: Xena! - I've just nailed down a multi-million dinar deal with NIKE for you
Xena: How dare they desecrate the Goddess of Victory with this "swoosh" thing?
Sal: Maybe we can get them to switch it to a chackrum later, right now IMG's Mark McCormack himself is demanding to meet with you!
Xena: Who does he think he is, Zeus?
Sal: In the tennis world he is
Gabrielle brings over a dress
Xena: What's this?
Gab: It's your tennis outfit
Xena: It's all white!
Gab: It's the rule
Xena: Hey, you're the virgin
Gab: At least that's what we tell everyone
Beginning with the first round, Xena promptly demolishes BOTH women's and men's fields in hours The committee, desperate to keep their fortnight gate receipts, searches high and low for a worthy opponent - Callisto takes the challenge
The day of the final
Gabrielle walks into the players' lounge
Gab: (Giggling) Xena, get a load of these headlines!
Daily Sun: TENNIS PLAYER, WARRIOR PRINCESS OR PAGE 3 GIRL - YOU DECIDE
Daily Mail: CALLISTO TO XENA: YOU'RE GONNA BURN
Daily Telegraph: XENA AND GABRIELLE MORE THAN JUST PLAYER AND COACH
Daily Express: SALMONEUS NEW LORD OF WIMBLEDON
Daily Herald: XENA: LOUDER THAN SELES, MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN SABATINI AND CRAZIER FANS THAN GRAF
Xena: Why did you buy such garbage?
Gab: I bought fish n' chips and this is what it was wrapped in
The referee and Salmoneus come in
Ref: It's time, Ms. Xena - Her Highness Princess Diana is in the Royal Box today...
Xena: Not HER again!
Gab: No Xena, the REAL Princess Di
Ref: Please remember to curtsy
Xena: I bow to no one
Gab: You forget about last night?
Xena and Gabrielle pause and read the passage of Rudyard Kipling's "If" just above the players' entrance to Centre Court...
"If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat these two imposters just the same"
Gab: What wisdom!
Xena: What inspiration!
Sal: What a bunch of crap! - Now, get out there Xena and whomp some blonde butt
Dick Enberg, John McEnroe and Chris Evert are calling the match
Dick: OH MY!
Mac: I've never seen anything like it...amazing...unbelievable...I wonder if I can get dates with them?
Chris: They're OK...I've seen better
Gabrielle and Salmoneus watch from the stands
Gab: (Shouting) Now remember Xena, her backhand down the line is her weakest shot, try to draw her into the net...
Xena flashes a look of "SHUT THE %&@# UP" at Gabrielle
Gab: Heh, just trying to help (Starts to eat some strawberries and cream)
Sal: Nice berries!
Gab: Hey! - They're not THAT small
Xena and Callisto get into a 70 set marathon that lasts a month, they play through rain and darkness, all the spectators have left except for Gabrielle, Salmoneus and Xena's NetForum Fans - It's deuce when Callisto's ball is called wide...
Cal: Out? - You can't be serious...YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS - IT HIT THE LINE...CHALK FLEW UP...THAT BALL WAS CLEARLY IN!
Umpire: Ms. Callisto, if you keep up with these outbursts, I'll have to default you
Cal: (Hissing) Default this!
Callisto takes her sword and chops down the umpire's high chair into a regular chair
Ump: Correction - the ball was good - replay the point!
Xena: That's not fair!
Cal: Oh look, it's Xena and her doubles partner, Self Righteousness...big surprise!
Ump: Ladies, please!
Cal & Xena: (Unison) Shut your bloody hole!
Xena: You know what Callisto?
Cal: I'm sure you'll tell me
Xena: I'm tired of you, I'm tired of this game and I'm REAL tired of this spoof
Xena takes the winner's silver plate and chucks it like a chackrum right through 2N10DRE's computer screen...THE END?